Rat, Dog and a Ford Anglia
A/N – This started out as a what-if Remus encountered the car from CoS when he was in the forest as a werewolf, and then it just got sillier and sillier. Hope you enjoy.
…
"Pettigrew! Come back here you filthy little-"
The Wolf perked up. It smelled human. One grown one child, both delicious. Then, without warning, something rammed into him.
A car, some buried part of his human mind noted, like Arthur Weasley's old thing.
The smell was strange. The Wolf would not bite it if it could help it, but the strange creature did not react to his claws. Then was light, too much light. The Wolf was blinded. He growled, did the strange creature think that would stop him? The Wolf couldn't see but that was no matter. He could smell.
"Sirius – Sirius, I've got him."
"Harry – Dementors – run!"
The tasty man-flesh called, but first he would kill this pitiful creature that attacked him.
"Harry, Harry, your patronus is a stag."
"Is that…?"
"Yeah. It's your Dad, Harry."
The creature escaped whilst The Wolf was distracted and the humans were gone. The Wolf howled.
…
Remus staggered up to Hogwarts, hoping no student saw him. He would have sent a Patronus to ask for help, but he didn't have the strength. He slipped into the Hospital Wing, hoping that Madam Pomfrey would be able to quietly take care of him, as she had all those years before but he was destined to be disappointed.
The scene that greeted him was chaotic. Harry, Ron and Hermione were all standing up (though Ron had to lean on Harry), arguing, with Sirius joining in cautiously (and who would've thought that Sirius Black would ever do something cautiously?) Harry held Pettigrew in an iron grip, his wand steadily pointing at Pettigrew at all times. Fudge, accompanied by two Aurors, was shouting back at the Trio. Dumbledore was standing off to the side, seeming faintly amused by the whole thing and Snape was standing to another side, sneering.
"Ah," said Dumbledore as he came in, his eyes on full twinkle, "perhaps you can shed some light on our little debate here?"
Remus, who due to his injuries and the stress of the change, had expended a huge amount of energy to get to the Hospital Wing, collapsed. It seemed the only sensible thing to do at the time.
…
Remus slowly drifted into consciousness.
"Typical, shirking his duties, even to his friend," said Snape, of course.
"Severus, please," and Dumbledore, ever the judicator.
"Don't you dare insult him, Snivellus," Sirius, always acting, never thinking. A fond smile twitched at his lips.
"Is that a threat, Mr Black?" Unknown, probably one of the Aurors.
"I apologise," Remus managed to croak out, "If you could, Poppy?" Madam Pomfrey handed him a strengthening potion and pain-relieving potion, a stern look on her face. Remus knew she wanted him to rest, but then, if he rested as much as she wanted him to he would never get anything done.
"You wished for me to shed light on the situation, Albus?"
"Indeed Remus. Should the good gentlemen decide there is sufficient evidence, Sirius will be granted a retrial," said Dumbledore, his eyes now on 'serious mode twinkle.'
"Never got a first trial," Sirius muttered.
"Well, I – er – suspected that Harry, Ron and Hermione might visit Hagrid to comfort him over the death of his Hippogriff – er"
"Buckbeak, Professor," said Harry, then turned to Fudge and said helpfully, "who was clearly being unjustly sentenced. Funny how that happens."
"Buckbeak, thank you Harry, and I – received information that Harry and friends were out on the grounds. I was sympathetic and so decided to go out and meet them myself. I saw all three slip into the Shrieking Shack, for what purpose at that time I did not know. So I followed them. There I saw Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew."
"And you immediately switched to Black's side?" asked Fudge.
"No," said Remus. Dumbledore twinkled at the slight lie, "but I knew that the facts I thought I knew were incorrect and that, at the very least, Sirius could not have committed all of the crimes he was accused of."
"Namely?" said Fudge, desperately trying to keep his dignity. After all, this was just embarrassing. Remus gave him a look of derision that put Snape to shame. Snape pouted. Harry smirked. Snape started to think of all the various and painful ways he could poison Potter, it was a technique he often used to keep himself calm.
"Why, the murder of Peter Pettigrew, of course. The scene continued as you might expect, accusations and threats were thrown about. Sn – Severus stepped in at one point, but he was very soon unconscious, so his accounts of the events cannot, I'm afraid, give any veracity." Snape glared. Dumbledore twinkled. Sirius patted Harry on the back. "At any rate, as events proceeded Pettigrew confessed to the crimes previously attributed to one Sirius Black," Sirius gave a small, mocking bow, "as well as deliberately framing Sirius for those crimes."
Fudge struggled, obviously still desperate to find his way out of the situation.
"Think of it this way, Minister," Harry said, "you'll be correcting the mistakes of the previous administration. You could've swept it under the carpet, but here you are, fighting for truth and justice."
"Truth and justice," Fudge muttered.
"You'll be revered, Minister."
"Revered," said Fudge, his eyes alight with hunger, "Rosworth, Serkfor, take this Pettigrew fellow. We have work to do."
Dumbledore's eyes twinkled so much Harry was afraid his eyes might pop out, "You could be Slytherin, my dear boy, if I didn't know better," Dumbledore said.
"The Hat did consider me for Slytherin, but it chose Gryffindor in the end," Harry admitted. They glanced at Snape who was frozen in horror at the thought of Harry Potter in his House. Madam Pomfrey poked him experimentally. He didn't move. Harry shrugged, "Probably for the best. Besides, Fudge is so easy to manipulate Malfoy probably doesn't even have to try."
"I'm so proud of you, Harry," said Sirius suddenly, "Only thirteen and rescuing fugitives and manipulating Ministers," he paused, "that came out wrong didn't it? Blame Azkaban." Dumbledore's twinkle dimmed slightly at the mention of Azkaban
"You've always been crazy, Padfoot," said Remus.
"And now I'm responsible for a young, impressionable mind. Fear me, Moony."
Remus sighed and settled into his bed, everything should be fine as long as the Ministry weren't idiots and were prepared to admit their mistakes. Then again, this was the Ministry they were talking about, the epitome of Murphy's Law in one building. Remus drifted off to sleep as Snape, who was still statuesque, fell over, Harry and Sirius started chatting enthusiastically and Dumbledore twinkled.
…
"Professor – Albus, when I was in the Forest I think I saw a car. Got into a fight with it actually." Snape snorted. Sirius hexed him for old times sake. Snape fell over again.
"Ah, yes. The newest addition to the Forest. The car is a Ford Anglia, to be precise, and seems to have developed quite a life of his own. I wanted to name him Herbie, but the name was vetoed," Dumbledore gave a put upon expression of great pain and suffering.
"But, Professor," said Hermione, "Herbie was a VW Beetle, not a Ford Anglia."
"That's what they said, but all I wanted was to pay tribute."
"Wait," said Ron, "How can a car be a beetle?"
"It's just a name of the type of car, like Nimbus or Firebolt," said Hermione.
"Yeah, Ok, but why Beetle?" Hermione opened her mouth, but found herself completely unable to answer. She frowned, she hated it when this happened. Dumbledore's twinkle gave an understanding look of communal pain and suffering.
"Ok, whatever," said Remus, "Why is there a car in the Forbidden Forest?"
Harry leaned back, "Well it's an interesting story, really. And completely not my fault. But it begins with a House Elf named Dobby. He was trying to stop me going back to Hogwarts because of the evil things were going to happen."
"What evil things?" shouted Sirius, "Remus, do you know?" Remus shook his head.
"Anyway, he stopped us getting onto Platform nine and three-quarters, me and Ron, that is. Believe me, it really hurts running full speed at a brick wall."
Sirius growled.
"So we decided to use the car to fly to Hogwarts instead."
"So the flying car story I heard was actually true?" said Remus, Harry nodded and Sirius looked proud of his mini Marauder.
"So anyway, by the time we got to Hogwarts the car was getting a little tired and we crash landed."
"Into the Whomping Willow," said Ron, helpfully.
"Yes, anyway, the car decided at that point that it didn't like us anymore and threw us out. Literally, and decided to make its home in the Forbidden Forest."
"Treacherous car," muttered Ron.
"Hey, it did save us that one time, remember?" said Harry.
"Save you from what?" said Sirius.
"…Acromantulas." Sirius looked ready to kill, "Anyway," said Harry quickly, "that's how the car got into the Forest."
…
A few weeks later the Ministry announced (as quietly as possible) that the person they had called an insane mass murderer and practically the right hand of You-Know-Who was, in fact, innocent, and so could people please not scream when they saw him because he was actually a very nice man and they were very, very sorry for ever saying mean things about him. Sorry.
At the same time Fudge loudly announced that he was personally involved in the capture of the true culprit. This worked very well for the Ministry until Harry Potter blew the whole story to the Daily Prophet (omitting certain details, of course) making sure he made Remus look like a true hero, who was being pushed from his position through prejudice and spite. Remus was quickly reinstated to the Defence post and somewhere in Albania the wraith that was once Voldemort was maddened when he heard that one of his more excellent curses, if he did say so himself, was defeated by Harry Potter. Again. Sirius very quickly gained custody of Harry and Dumbledore's eyes twinkled so brightly sunglasses were unofficially included in the dress code.