Title: I'm in ur Hallway...
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I only wish I were British and I owned them.
Author's Notes: This comes from weird conversations had at Comic-Con while waiting in line for Noel Clark's autograph. I apologize in advance for the silliness.
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The Doctor and his companions, with the help of Torchwood, had just finished saving Earth from another alien race determined to subjugate the human race. Ianto made the coffee. Mickey and Toshiko worked together to hack into the alien's communications frequencies and determine the precise location of the attack. Jack supplied the weapons and he Sarah Jane, Owen and Gwen had lain in wait. Rose offered to be the bait, luring the aliens out of their hidden spaceship and into the open.
Once the aliens realized they were surrounded it had been quite easy for the Doctor to convince them to try their luck on another planet. In another galaxy. Far, far away.
With the world once again saved, Owen's suggestion of a celebratory round on Jack was met with resounding approval. A few drinks later, Jack was flirting with Mickey and the Doctor simultaneously while Owen attempted to unsuccessfully pick up a woman at the bar. The Doctor had challenged Mickey to a drinking game while ignoring Jack and was relishing his apparent victory when Mickey suddenly bolted for the loo.
"So, Doctor," Jack said conversationally as they waited for Mickey to return, "Anyone in here strike your fancy?"
"Not you," the Doctor muttered as he downed another shot. "We Time Lords are above such things. Ask Rose!"
"Believe me, I've heard about it." He tapped his chin thoughtfully as he looked around the bar. "Done her, done her and him...at the same time, haven't done her, could do him, definitely want to do her."
"You'll do anything with legs," Owen said as he sat down. "And the last part's debatable. You should at least have some standards. Take Gwen, for example. So long as she's not speaking, she's got a pair of zepplins worth trying for."
"This is highly inappropriate," Ianto said as he took a sip of his gin and tonic, neat.
"Oh like we haven't seen you ogling Tosh when you think no one's looking!" Jack replied.
Mickey returned to the table looking slightly green around the gills and gratefully sank into his chair.
"There's no point in asking Mickey," the Doctor said. "We all know what he likes."
"Dashingly handsome Americans?" Jack asked.
Mickey glared and reached down to remove Jack's hand from his thigh. "What are you lot on about?"
"Women, men, the attractive people we know that we'd secretly like to snog," Jack replied.
"Owen thinks Gwen has nice breasts," the Doctor supplied.
Mickey nodded. "Well sure, but I still don't think they're as nice as Rose's."
"You two are overlooking something just as important as looks," said Jack. "Experience. Now Sarah, there's a woman I wouldn't mind learning a few things from."
"Oy! That's my companion you're talking about!"
"I was your companion too, in case you've forgotten. We can talk about each other. It's in the companion handbook."
"There's no such thing!"
"Sure there is. Rose wrote it."
"She did not! Rose! Rose!" The Doctor walked over to a long-haired blonde woman and tapped her on the shoulder. The woman turned and glared at him.
"You're not Rose."
"No, she's not," Jack said as he dragged the Doctor back to their table. "Doctor, have you noticed anything...missing?"
The Doctor took another look around the pub. "Oy! Where did all our women go?"
"That's a good question."
"Well, don't you have an answer?"
"Not as such, no. But since they're all missing, I think we can assume they're all together. And what better place to begin our search than back at the base?"
When they arrived, they found the underground rooms deserted. "Maybe they're in your space ship," Owen said. "Aren't females supposed to bond together in large groups? While watching movies like Steel Magnolias?"
There was something wrong with that statement, but the Doctor couldn't quite put his finger on what it was. Instead, he headed deeper into the halls, trying to remember where he'd parked.
Jack and Mickey followed, watching as the Doctor frantically patted his pockets. "Key...key...where did I leave that blasted key?" he muttered. Finally he turned to Jack and held out an expectant hand. "I need to borrow your key."
"Of course." Jack reached into his pocket and then frowned. "That's weird. I could have sworn I'd put it in here." He turned out his pockets to reveal a watch, two paperclips, a wad of used chewing gum and a piece of tin.
"Mickey!" the Doctor yelled impatiently as he watched Jack sort through the debris in his pockets.
"Well don't look at me! You never gave me one!" Mickey replied.
As they rounded the corner, the Doctor hopped onto one foot and pulled off his shoe. He shook it, hoping his key would fall out. Instead, a few small pebbles bounced across the floor forlornly until they the edge of a blue police box.
There was a sign hanging on the TARDIS door. "No Boys, Time Lords or Omnisexual 51st Century Beings Allowed!" Underneath, in small letters a postscript read: "This means YOU, Jack!"
The three men boggled.
"What?" said the Doctor.
"What?" asked Jack.
"What?" said Mickey.
The door opened a crack and Sarah Jane stuck her head out. "I thought the sign was pretty clear."
"Sarah," the Doctor growled warningly.
"Oh posh, Doctor. The girls and I are just going to take it for a small spin. Back before you know it! You boys have fun getting rid of that Weevil infestation!" she grinned as she slammed the door.
The Doctor looked stupefied. "Sarah Jane Smith! Rose Tyler! You cannot just...just hijack my TARDIS!"
When the door opened this time it was Rose who stuck her head out. "Sure we can. We're about to. And don't bother looking for your keys. We stole them while you were all getting sloshed. Toodles!" The door slammed again.
The Doctor looked even more astonished than he had before. Jack took pity on him and turned to face the TARDIS. "Gwen! Toshiko! As your commander, I order you to come out of there!"
Toshiko peeked through the door. "Oh, come off it, Jack! You just wish you'd had the idea first!"
"Don't worry," Gwen added. "Sarah and Tosh are pretty sure they can pilot this thing better than you can, Doctor!"
The door slammed for the final time and the Doctor looked on with horror as it began to dematerialize, filling the corridor with a loud whooshing sound. "My TARDIS! Come back with my TARDIS!"
"Well, look on the bright side, Doctor," Jack said as he slung a companionable hand across the other man's shoulders, "they actually probably can fly the TARDIS better than you can."
The Doctor turned on him, a murderous glint in his eyes. Jack took off running, laughing as the Doctor gave chase. Mickey sighed and decided to see if Owen wanted to pop off for another pint.
And on Florana, four women emerged from a blue police box in swimsuits and towels and proceeded to spend a grand afternoon doing absolutely nothing at all.