Title: Harlequin Blue
Rating: T
Characters: Patrick Jane, Blueberry Muffins (yes, as in the food), Teresa Lisbon, Wayne Rigsby, Grace Van Pelt, Kimball Cho and Luther Wainwright.
Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing.
Summary: Patrick Jane/Blueberry Muffins + things you said when you were drunk.
Warning: This is COMPLETE crack!fic. All ye who enter looking for plot should probably abandon ship (and hope) because blueberry muffins is not the name of Red John's girlfriend/goat/ and or lifeline here. There's also a penguin somewhere in this fic, and I'm not quite sure why...
Uh, so this fic was written for a Tumblr fic thing. I don't think the prompter thought I would take it semi-seriously, but I did...and this is exactly what happens when you give me pairings like Jane and blueberry muffins.
Jane grinned at the lone object, all dressed in blue. Smelling divine of blueberries, Jane couldn't help but admire how pretty she looked in her shimmery outfit. "You, my dear, look amazing." He moved his hand toward her, hesitating only slightly. It was, after all, impolite to touch unless he had permission first. Jane was many things, but he knew he had better manners than a creep did. "Do you mind if I touch you?"
"Why would I mind?" Jane heard her reply and he quickly brushed his hand across her fluff, feeling how soft she was. Maybe it was wrong of him, but he felt attracted to the young thing before him. "Oh, don't act so bashful. We both know there's something here, between us both. I'm crazy for you, Patrick." He caught her blue eyes.
"I didn't know you could talk," he replied, confused. She smiled. "You've always been so silent."
"Of course I can, Patrick," she answered laughing. His smile brightened; why hadn't he tried to hold a conversation with her before? "I can do plenty of things too. Like, melt in your mouth." He stared at her, aghast. "Don't look so sad. You don't have to try me, unless you truly want to." He kept his fingers on her, feeling her crooked smile and he sighed. "Oh, you know exactly how make a girl happy."
Lisbon jerked Rigsby into her office. "What in the hell did you do?" He tried to act innocent, his shoulder shrugging at her question, but her firm glare quickly had him attempting to excuse himself from her office. He honestly should have known that Lisbon would (eventually) come sniffing them out at the Christmas party, especially with the fact she hated all of the bureau's get-togethers. "He's talking to an entire tray of blueberry muffins, as if they're…"
"People? Women?" Grace offered, sitting on Lisbon's couch. Cho sat on her left and Rigsby eyed them, wondering when they had been pulled into Lisbon's office for an interrogation. He had been so amused by Jane; he supposed he hadn't even noticed their disappearance. Rigsby turned away from Lisbon, staring into the bullpen where Jane was. "At least he's not giving Wainwright grief, boss."
"That's not the point," Lisbon corrected, visibly annoyed. Rigsby glanced at her again. For the first time in years, the annual CBI Christmas party had actually been a quiet affair because of Jane's sudden attraction to the muffins. "Getting him drunk is asking for an eventual disaster. Nobody will tell me who spiked his tea, but I can only guess you're the ringleader of this escapade?"
"I just gave voices to the muffins," Rigsby replied, throwing his hands up.
Lisbon sighed. "If Wainwright found out…"
"Does he seem drunk to you?"
They all glanced at out at Jane, who continued his conversation with the muffin as if nothing were amiss.
After a moment of silence, Rigsby turned back to Lisbon. "He's a man, who just really appreciates his baked goods apparently." They all kept staring.
"Don't be shy," Jane attempted to coax words from the object, his mouth watering. "I know I'm not the most put-together guy, but your abrupt silence is upsetting." He tilted his head. Had he truly insulted her by not trying her? Wasn't there a certain type of decorum in first dates? Jane was just trying to be a good person. Staring at her for a moment longer, he abruptly decided to screw decorum. If she wanted him to try her, he would. His hands slid under the shimmery material, before he maneuvered her to his mouth. "Why won't you talk to me, beautiful? I promise I'll be better. I'll make you feel again!"
He placed his tongue against her fluff-head. She tasted as good as she smelled.
"I think we've got a bigger problem now, boss," Grace caught Lisbon's attention again, as the group quietly argued amongst themselves about Jane's current state. Lisbon glanced at her subordinate, a headache already forming between her eyes. She honestly hadn't signed up for this, when she had agreed to attend Wainwright's stupid holiday party. God help me, she thought silently while she waited for Grace's answer. "Jane's moved on from simply talking."
Once again, they all redirected their attentions to Jane.
He and the muffin were sharing a little one-on-one time.
"You owe me twenty dollars," Cho suddenly spoke up.
Still left without words from his precious being, Jane sighed.
He obviously had done something wrong in his appreciation of her.
"You bet on him?" Lisbon asked, outraged at the idea that anyone would make a game out of Jane. Cho seemed unaffected by Lisbon's yelling, while Rigsby held out his hands. "You bet on whether or not Jane would kiss a muffin?" The words had Grace attempting to hide her snicker. Although nobody would admit it, there was a certain amount of humor in Jane's drunken behavior. "Why would you do that?"
"Why wouldn't we do that?" Rigsby asked. "The party sucks; so, someone obviously spiked his tea for a little entertainment." He shrugged again at her look. "I didn't do it! I can't even make his tea properly. I only placed an innocent wager, I promise!"
"I refuse to make him tea," Cho answered at Lisbon's stare.
Grace shrugged. "I had no idea anything was wrong, until Rigsby started giving voices to the muffins."
Lisbon sighed again, pinching the bridge of her noise. Wonderful.
Jane tentatively sucked on her fluff, humming at the richness.
"Look," Lisbon eventually said, eyeing Jane's sudden decision to porn out the baked goods. "Someone needs to fix this, before Wainwright pops in."
"Did someone say my name?" Wainwright asked, effectively popping up in her office. Lisbon glanced at Rigsby, who glanced at Wainwright. "I'm surprised to see you all in here, especially when it's party time!" Wainwright's ugly penguin sweater had everyone attempting to glance away from him. The idea of a CBI Christmas party had been fun at the beginning, but after Wainwright's addition of Christmas lights and an ugly sweater party; it had slowly grown more and more taxing. Still, Lisbon couldn't help but admire his odd holiday spirit. "I see that Jane's enjoying the baked…oh god, what is he doing?"
They all took one more look at Jane, who was attempting to strip the baked good.
"Uh…"
"He's…"
"Someone spiked Jane's tea," Cho answered Wainwright. "And no, it wasn't us."
"Oh," Wainwright replied, still staring. "Uh…I...I'm just going to leave." Without a second word, he hurried from the office leaving the entire SCU team (minus Jane) surprised.
Rigsby glanced at Grace. "He'll probably never have a Christmas party again."
Nobody seemed too torn up about that either, really.