Tag to 10.18. Sam's thoughts during the pizza party at the bunker.

I feel as if I may choke on all the lies I've told and knowing how many more lies I'll have to tell before this is over only makes me feel worse. It's almost more than I can take, just to sit here, trying to act normal while Charlie introduces Cas to the mysteries of the paper fortune teller. I haven't seen one of those things since high school, which suddenly makes me feel extremely old.

And then Dean opens our beers and raises his toward me. I know by the look on his face that he's worried about me which makes me feel even guiltier. He shouldn't be worried about me. I'm not the one with a ticking time bomb tattooed on my arm. I raise my own bottle to his and everything that he doesn't say is there, written on his face. He's sorry for bringing up the past, he knows I didn't mean what I said back then and he wants me to be okay. I attempt a smile, hoping he knows I'd take back every single one of those words if I could. What I said to him last year haunts me every day and now that I might lose him again…..

No. I won't lose him again. I can't. That's what nobody understands. I literally can't. But that's not going to happen. I have the book. I just have to find Rowena. A locator spell should do the trick and if she's not willing to help me…I'll just have to find a way to persuade her.

I've watched Dean closely for any sign that he might know I didn't destroy the book but I've seen none. When he had handed me the book and said it was calling to him, I thought he could hear it even in the case but now I know I was mistaken. The case is the only thing hiding it from him. While Dean was digging a hole for the bodies at the cabin, I stashed the book and the case in Charlie's car…..just to be on the safe side. Later tonight, when Charlie and Dean are asleep and Cas is gone, I plan on borrowing her car and finding the witch.

A cold chill runs down my spine at the thought. Witches have always been something we've tried to avoid when possible. They're too unpredictable and too hard to kill. I don't want to tangle with another one but I don't have any choice. She knew the Mark of Cain was a curse. She's been around for at least 300 years. If anyone knows how to crack that spell, it's her. I can't just let this opportunity pass us by because I really don't know if we'll have any others. I'm not willing to take that chance with my brother's life. Of all people, he should understand my decision. I just hope he can forgive me.

Dean is laughing at Cas and Charlie and it feels so good to see him laugh. He actually looks happy. He said he wasn't going to give up, that he would have his vacation…..

Sand between our toes, Sammy. Sand between our toes.

I have to make sure he has that. My brother will feel the sand between his toes if it's the last thing I do. After all he's done for me, he deserves it….and more.

Tears prick my eyes and I quickly gather empty plates and beer bottles in an effort to distract myself. As I dump everything into the trashcan, Dean and Charlie dissolve into a fit of giggles over Castiel's confusion of the paper fortune teller. The sound is music to my ears but also a dagger to my heart. I use the moment to escape and find a place where I can be alone, to contemplate what I'm about to do.

In a bunker the size of ours, there are plenty of places to hide and be alone but, inevitably, I end up back in my room because for some reason it gives me comfort. I fought the notion of home for a long time but I finally realized home isn't the idealistic setting I always pictured. Home is many different things to different people and for me, home is my brother and if he's gone…..

I sit on the edge of the bed and bury my face in my hands. I'm not losing him. It's become my mantra. I keep telling myself I'm not losing him but I can't quite seem to make myself believe it. I couldn't save him when he went to Hell. What makes me think I can do any better now?

"Sam?"

Dammit. I should know better than to hide in my own room.

"Hey, Charlie." I raise my head and give her a smile but I can see by the look on her face that I'm not fooling anyone.

"You okay?"

Dean or Cas could ask me that question all day long and I could shrug it off, make them think I'm fine but why is it different when Charlie asks? Why does she always seem to be able to make me drop my guard? Is this what it would have been like to have a sister?

Charlie moves toward me and I can see the compassion on her face. She knows what I'm going through. She knows how I feel about losing Dean and she thinks I just destroyed the one chance we might have at saving him. If she tries to hug me, I'm going to lose it. I'll confess everything and then Dean is going to be pissed.

"I'm fine, Charlie." Even to my own ears, I sound anything but fine.

"Sam, I know you didn't want to burn the book…"

"Look, can we just not talk about it?" If I don't talk about it, I'm not really lying, right?

"You shouldn't be alone, Sam." She grabs my hand and tries to pull me to my feet. That act alone should be enough to make me laugh but it doesn't. "Castiel is such a funny angel. I never knew angels could be funny. Come on, Sam, please come with me."

I shake my hand free of hers. "Charlie, I….I can't just sit there and pretend everything is okay."

"We'll find another way to save Dean."

"YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!"

Charlie takes a step backwards and I feel like an ass. I didn't mean to frighten her. "Charlie, I'm sorry."

"No, it's okay. I understand why you're upset."

"I just…." I want to tell her. I need to tell someone. But it would only put her in danger because then she'd insist on coming along and this is something I have to do on my own. I can't involve anyone else because it might end badly. I realize I should be listening to what I'm telling myself. If it could end badly for her or Cas, it could end badly for me. But if I fail Dean, it doesn't matter. I can't go on without him. I just can't.

The sorrow I feel must be evident on my face because there are tears in Charlie's eyes and she once again steps toward me and against my better judgement, I don't resist as she puts her arms around me. Even with me sitting down, I'm almost the same height as her. She's so tiny but I cling to her, desperately wanting just a moment of comfort, anything to dull the ache in my heart at what I must do, the lies I must tell, and worst of all….the thought that I might fail and Dean will be lost. Tears fill my eyes and I struggle to hold them back. I can't fall apart. Not now. I have to hold it together…..for Dean.

"Hey, what are you guys….." Dean pokes his head through the doorway. "Oh."

I release my hold on Charlie and quickly wipe at my face. Charlie pats Dean on the shoulder as she exits the room but doesn't attempt to hide her own tears.

"What was that all about?" asks Dean.

"Nothing."

"Sam, that wasn't nothing. What's going on with you?" Dean pulls up a chair and parks himself right in front of me. "Talk to me, dude."

I stare at my brother a long moment before speaking and I realize just how far our relationship has come. There was a time when Dean never wanted to talk, but now, here he is asking me to talk to him and he's done his own fair share of talking lately, letting me know exactly what's going on in his head. Here's my chance to come clean…..to tell him everything that's on my mind. He's the only person who knows what I'm really going through, the only person who would understand the choices I've made but he's the one person I can't tell…..not yet. I choose my next words carefully because I don't want to lie any more than I have to.

"I don't know what's gonna happen, Dean, but when I think about losing you…"

I can't even finish the sentence without choking up. God, what is wrong with me? I can't keep letting my emotions get away from me. Dean is going to figure out I'm up to something.

"Sammy, you're not going to lose me, okay?" He reaches out and puts a hand on my shoulder. "This isn't over. I'm not giving up. You won't let me, even if I wanted to."

I try to smile….for his sake. He doesn't need to be comforting me. His life is the one on the line, not mine. Why can't I be just half the brother that he is?

"Come on, let's go back out and visit with Cas and Charlie. Watching those two together is just the medicine you need and besides, I'm not leaving you in here to mope alone."

"I guess I don't have much choice then, do I?" I manage a genuine grin and he smiles at me.

"That's my boy." He jumps up from the chair and heads toward the door, glancing back at me. "I meant what I said earlier."

"What's that?" I ask.

"We're taking that vacation." He thumps his arm where the Mark lies. "Soon as this thing is gone, it's sand between our toes, Sammy."

He heads back toward the kitchen and I follow. As we join Cas and Charlie again at the kitchen table, Dean places another beer in front of me and then bursts into laughter at something Cas says…..something I totally missed because all I can think of is how happy Dean looks every time he mentions the sand between our toes.

Dean is going to have that vacation…he's going to lay on a beach, get drunk in the sun and flirt with every woman within a fifty mile radius. I'm going to make sure of it. I've always heard it's easier to beg for forgiveness than to ask for permission and that's exactly what I'm going to do. When all this is over, I'll beg my brother to forgive me for the lies but until then…I'm not asking for permission. I'm saving my brother, whatever it takes.

Sand between our toes, Sammy. Sand between our toes.

Thanks for reading! Comments are always welcome and greatly appreciated!