He knew she would be there, in the vent. She was sitting on the stoop hugging her knees and with a sad expression on her face.
Teddy had found him some minutes earlier and confronted him about Cristina… "What are you doing here?" he had asked, surprised to see her back. "What are you doing with a woman that would trade you for surgeries?" she had blurted at him. "What?" had been his confused answer; he couldn't understand what was going on. "Weren't you leaving?" he had asked again.
"Yeah, until your girlfriend stopped me and asked me to stay... offering to trade you in exchange for me staying… she literally told me to take you" she continued. "Listen Owen, I know you are not a horse for her to give away, but I thought that you should know that she doesn't care that much…" she had spoken with her sweetest voice, that was lately feeling fake and irked him, and tried to put her hand on his arm. He had instinctively backed off.
He hadn't been able to stay there, or to say anything. He needed to find Cristina, because, if he knew her well, she would be in pain, damned Teddy! He knew her well enough to head directly to the vent.
"Cristina" he said, with a lump in his throat, finding it difficult to find the right words. "Are you OK? What has happened?" he asked, approaching to sit at her side.
She stared at him, aware by his sad look that he knew what she had just told Teddy. Aware that it would be hurting him. The last thing she ever wanted was to hurt him. It broke her heart to see him sad. What had she done? Guilt hitting her once again.
"Have just offered Teddy to trade you for her staying" she confessed, letting a tear roll down her cheek. "I was begging her to stay, to say what she wanted… and when she said she wanted you, it just came out; I didn't think what I was saying" she whispered, her voice cracking. She felt him tense upon her words, but he didn't move away, nor made an accusation.
"OK" he said, hurt obvious in his voice "I know you didn't mean it… we all say things in heat that we regret later" he continued, taking her hand in his.
"But I meant it" she blurted, "that's the problem, I didn't want to mean them, but I did!" she continued, standing up and getting away from him. "I had not realized that I needed to make a choice, and when the choice came, I chose surgery above you. You deserve so much better!" Her pain at her own words raw and obvious, pacing the room like a caged animal.
She heard him take a deep breath, and hated herself even more for hurting him. But she needed to make him understand. It took her breath away, but it might be a good thing if he broke up with her on the spot. At least it would be over, and she could concentrate on her surgeries and on licking her wounds.
"If I have to choose, I will choose surgery… because the day you leave, at least I will have something to hold to… If I choose you, what will I have the day you leave me? It is the rational choice" She stared at him, her eyes tearing up more profusely this time.
He tried to approach her and find the right words, but she pushed him back "And don't, just don't tell me you will never leave me, because one day, you will" She breathed deeply, nearly shouting and on the verge of hyperventilation "You will wake up and realize I am not what you expected, I am not happy, or bubbly, or that I do not love you enough. You will find out what people are already telling you, that I am a cold-hearted bitch, and that I am not worth the pain… and what will I hold to? At least now I can hold to Teddy and the surgeries. At least now I know you will be happy without me and that you will not be alone" She continued, still walking the room up and down, more tears rolling down her cheeks.
"I know you want to stay at my side, but so wanted my father, and he left, Burke wanted to marry me and he left on the wedding day, George is dead…everyone wants to stay, but I end up alone" she sobbed, breathing with more difficulty with every passing second.
"Do not say you would marry me… because you've said it before to someone else, and here we are… because Alex and Izzie got married and it meant nothing… she left him anyway. Marriage is just wishful thinking!" She had just known he was about to propose and ask her to believe that marrying him would make up for everything.
He felt she was on the verge of a panic attack, so, he fought her resistance and hugged her tight from behind.
"Cristina, relax… just relax… you are about to have a panic attack, just let me hold you, and relax your sympathetic system", he continued, just as she had once done with him, whispering in her ear. Nobody could understand panic better than him. She might not know it, but she had her own traumatic disorder.
He could feel her fear of abandonment, she had told him about his father, he had known about an ex-fiancé, but he had never realized how deep it all ran. What a wonder it was that she had been able to stand at his side, even with her misguided certainty that he would leave her sooner or later.
He took a deep breath, and smelled her hair, as she tried to silently relax in his arms. It was not that her mistrust didn't feel like a blow to the guts, but he had hurt her more and she had stood firm by his side. It was his turn to show her that he was not going away. No matter how difficult she made it. No matter her mistakes, and doubts and fears. He only wished he knew of a way to show her. A way to prove her that he was not going anywhere. That she could have his career and that he would support it any way he could; that he wanted to be there gloating with pride as she became a cardio-goddess.
For a while, they stood just like that, hugging, and feeling each other.
"Why are you still here?" she asked against his shoulder, her voice a mere whisper.
"Because I am not going anywhere. You want Teddy to stay? So be it; she stays. But I am not going away. No matter what you do, I stay. As you say, marrying you tomorrow doesn't prove anything, so, no use in dragging you right now to the city hall... I have no way to make you understand that as long as I breathe you will not be alone. I can just show you by being here today and tomorrow and every following day. I want to see you become a cardio-goddess; I want to be proud of your brilliance, even if it means you do not trust me staying. Maybe in 40 years time you will realize I am here for good" He whispered, his own eyes tearing up, but still holding her firm in his arms. Hoping she would at least let him prove his words.
After some seconds of silence, she just whispered, "OK", and he felt her relax in his arms.