Title: Two drunk men, a tree and a cat
Author: Gumnut
May 2019
Fandom: Thunderbirds Are Go 2015/ Thunderbirds TOS
Rating: Teen
Summary: International Rescue to the rescue.
Word count: 1731
Spoilers & warnings: Virgil/Kayo, crack!fic, poorly written drunkedness
Timeline: standalone, not Warm Rain
Author's note: This crazy fic was an exercise in writing in both a hurry and with little care. It took four lunchbreaks to complete, around fifteen minutes of each and was completely slapped down with no plot consideration at all. I've polished it for publication, but not much. Please note: this is not related to my Warm Rain series in any shape or form. I would really hope that I'd put far more effort into Virgil's bachelor party for that. I hope you enjoy this little bit of fun anyway.
Disclaimer: Mine? You've got to be kidding. Money? Don't have any, don't bother.
-o-o-o-
"This is ridiculous."
"Why? We're International Rescue."
"This is my bachelor party and I'm up a tree."
"You expected any less? Hell, on your last birthday, we had to pull you out of six metres of quick sand."
"That wasn't my fault."
"You've said that several times. Kayo thinks it's funny."
"What?"
"Hey, she has a point. You were upside down and covered in purple paint."
"It was not my fault."
"And there it is again."
"Scott."
"Virgil."
"If I damage this suit, Kay is going to kill me."
"I see no purple paint anywhere."
"Scott!"
"So, you going to do the rescue or not?"
From high up in the branches of some random street tree at two in the morning, Virgil stared down at his brother. They had both had just a bit too much to drink, a rare state of things as they hardly ever drank these days, and vertigo was a pretty sure thing.
But there was a cat.
A goddamned cat mewling in the tree.
They both stood there for a good ten minutes staring up, half blinded by the street lamp. John, Alan and Gordon had equally stared at them while they were staring up at the tree until Gordon fell over laughing. The laughing lasted a whole minute and quickly became snoring and the world's foremost aquanaut curled up on the pavement asleep.
Alan thought it was hilarious. John, who had imbibed the least, sighed and with a stern look at his youngest brother, picked Gordon off the street and with Alan's help, dragged their unconscious brother around the corner to their hotel.
That left Scott and Virgil staring up at the wailing cat in the tree.
Of course, they were both dressed to the nines. It was a party after all and it never hurt to dress up. But dressed up wasn't what was usually required for climbing a tree.
In the end, Virgil volunteered, claiming he was specialised in rescue and recovery. Scott snorted and told him he was welcome to it.
It took two attempts to actually find the tree.
Once he did, it took five attempts to climb onto the first branch. There was much grunting from Virgil and a considerable amount of snickering from Scott.
"You're an ass."
"And so are you."
Virgil glared at him. "Is that all you've got?"
"What?"
"Run out of one-liners?" This tree was an elm. Or was it an ash? It wasn't a eucalypt; it didn't stink that way. In any case, it was scratchy and tall.
"Do I need a one-liner?"
"Don't you usually have the answer?"
"I have answers. You just need to ask the right question."
"Definitely a smart ass."
"Better than being a dumb ass."
Why was he up a tree again? The answer was likely closer to the dumb ass end of the scale so he wasn't going to ask the question.
"Why am I up a tree?" Oh, yeah, he was going to ask that wasn't he?
"There was a cat."
"A cat?" And as he reached for the next branch, his hand came down on something fluffy. There was a screech and the fluffy was replaced by sharp and nasty and ow! Virgil yelped and yanked his hand back, overbalancing just a little. Enough for his foot to slip and..."Oh shit!"
"Virgil!"
Tall and scratchy. Definitely tall and scratchy and hard and wow. The lamplight was suddenly in his face and his brother...yes, that was one of his brothers..."Scott, why are you upside down?"
"I'm not upside down, you are! Hang on, I'm coming to save you!"
"What about the cat?" Was he actually dangling? The world wobbled. His ankle hurt; it was caught somewhere above him. He wiggled it.
"Don't move! John, we have a situation!"
"Are you wearing your comms?" His head was hurting. Everything in his body appeared to want to climb into it.
"They are built into our suits, you know that, Virg."
"Ooh, oh, yes." He blinked. "Scott, I don't think that tree is part of this one." Were there one or two trees? Four? Augh, his stomach wasn't happy with any trees. "I think I need help."
"I'm coming!"
"That's a trash can. Your help is lacking."
"Hey."
"I'm calling in the big guns." Two pokes and he hit his collar comms. "Oh, honey..."
No response.
He frowned up at his shirt. "Kay?"
"Virgil?"
"Oh, honey, sweetheart, love, most adorable..."
"What? Virgil, are you drunk?"
"Drunk on love for you."
Beneath him Scott cracked up laughing and walked into the tree trunk. "Ow, stupid tree."
"Where are you?"
"In a tree."
"What are you doing in a tree?"
"We're saving a cat." A blink. "But it scratched me and I fell."
"You fell?!"
"A bit."
"Who's we?"
"Scott's saving me, but he can't find the tree, hee, hee." A more sobering thought. "He's an ass."
"Where are your other brothers?"
"Gordon was snoring." For some reason he found that absolutely hilarious and starting laughing. "The little squid snores."
"We know that, Virgil. Where is John? I was counting on him to be the sensible one in this."
"John is always sensible." Nodding upside down was weird.
"Yes, he is, which is why I want to know where he is."
"Um...Scott, where is John?"
"John is with Gordon."
"Where is Gordon?"
"Asleep."
It took a moment for the dots to connect. "Kay, John is sleeping with Gordon." A frown. That didn't quite sound right.
"Virgil, I am going to contact John. You are going to stay where you are and stay safe."
"I'm safe. Scott's the one who is upside down."
"I'm not upside down, you are!"
"Am I?" His ankle was still hurting. "Then why aren't you saving me?!"
"Because this damn tree keeps moving!"
He could see his brother scrabbling at the bark of the tree as if attempting to keep the trunk still. "Uh, maybe we should wait for John?"
"No, I need to save you." And with a leap of faith in more ways than one, Scott launched himself into the tree, grabbing a lower branch and leveraging his legs up until he was hanging like a sloth.
A drunk sloth.
Virgil expected him to clamber up higher, but his big brother didn't move.
"Scott, you okay?"
"I don't feel so good."
"At least you're up the right way now."
"Virgil, you're an idiot."
"Hey!"
"I think you're both idiots." John appeared below them, hands in his pockets staring up at them. "What the hell do you think you are doing?"
Both at once. "Saving a cat!"
"This cat?" And John pointed to a cat that remarkably resembled the one that had been mewling earlier. It was weaving in and out and between John's ankles.
Virgil stared at it. "Um, possibly." His stomach chose that moment to rebel rather vehemently. Everything doubled and he had to swallow hurriedly. "Ergh."
"Virgil, you okay?" Scott below him.
"No. You might want to move."
"Shit."
That was how Scott fell out of the tree. But John had good reaction scores and a step in the right direction prevented his biggest brother from dating the concrete and instead they ended up in a pile on the ground.
"Ow."
"The feeling is mutual, Scott. Get off me."
"Guys..." His voice was shaky. "Uh...oh god."
"Hang on, Virgil. We're coming!"
"You're not going anywhere, Scott. Stay on the ground."
"But Virg-"
"Stay!"
A breeze picked up and shook the leaves around him. Oh, he so didn't feel very good.
But he was distracted by a quiet and familiar sound. The almost imperceptible thrum of a Thunderbird engine.
"Kay!"
He couldn't see her, but he knew she was there. "Kay!"
"Virgil, what the hell?" Scott had managed to scamper out from under the tree and was now staring up at his brother while John held his arm. The arm holding him was obviously necessary as Scott was canted a good thirty degrees to the left.
"Now you're upside down and crooked."
"I'm not upside down! You are! And if you don't get down from there soon, you're going to puke."
Puke. Ugh, yes, that. He swallowed hastily.
"Well, I don't see either of you trying to help me. Feedback on this rescue is definitely going into the negative. I'm taking your star rating and shoving it in the trash." He was pointing rather vehemently and his gesturing turned out to be just enough to dislodge his ankle.
"Aah, crap!"
"Virgil!"
The concrete loomed fast and he scrunched his eyes shut. Something grabbed him around the waist and yanked. He swung sideways, out from under the tree into the middle of the road. His stomach protested madly.
"Kay?"
"You're going to pay for this, you know that don't you?"
He opened his eyes to find the love of his life wrapped around him. They swung, no doubt, from an invisible Thunderbird S. He grinned like a loon. "Oh, what did you have in mind?"
She sighed and they were moving towards the footpath, avoiding the trees. Her remote was lit and active. Above them he heard the soft clunk as Shadow roosted on the side of the building. She gently lowered them to the pavement.
But she didn't let go of him.
"Virgil Grissom Tracy."
"Yes?" He still had a foolish grin on his face.
She was exasperated. He could tell. It lit up her beautiful green eyes and made them all sparkly.
"I'll give you sparkly."
"Sparkly."
"Okay, Virgil, step away from the fiancée." John was behind him. Scott was snickering again.
"Don't want to." He touched her cheek. She was so beautiful and warm. "Gonna marry her."
"Yes, you are, but not tonight."
"She's gorgeous."
Kay's expression of exasperation was definitely beginning to crack.
"And she's all mine. I get to keep her."
Scott burst out laughing. That thirty-degree cant became closer to ninety degrees and John had to grab him to stop him from falling.
"Okay, Virgil, time for you to go to bed. We will discuss this in the morning." Kay cupped his cheek and grabbed his hand.
"Aww." And he pouted.
Now John was grinning. "I'll take care of him, Kayo."
"No more trees."
"Had to save the cat!" As if on cue, an aggravated meow wafted out of the tree.
Kayo grabbed Virgil. John grabbed Scott.
"No!"
"But-"
"No!"
-o-o-o-