Before he could see their faces of horror and disgust, Barry ran. He didn't go far, just to the Speed Lab, but he knew he couldn't bear to be in the same room as them. Hell, if he was disgusted with himself then what would they think? To know that despite everything he said or did, he was the one who killed Iris…
What kind of monster was he?
Barry wasn't sure how long he spent in the Lab, dark thoughts swirling around in his mind, but barely any time seemed to have passed at all before he heard a voice call out-
"I know what you're thinking mate."
Barry jumped, looking over his shoulder to find Julian standing there. Barry's surprised that, out of all of them, it's Julian who was sent to find him. Ever since he became a part of Team Flash they'd not really spoken much alone outside of their jobs. Unless it was because…
"Before you jump to conclusions, I'm here because, at the end of the day, I suppose I'm the least invested." He gave Barry a wry, almost bitter, smile. "Or perhaps the most objective would be a better way to put it, making you more likely to listen to me. And first things first, no one up there hates you Barry."
"You sure about that?" Barry asked, squeezing his knees tighter against his chest.
"Look, whoever Savitar is, it may wear the same face as you but it's not you Barry and it won't be."
"Clearly it is me," Barry replied. "How else would he know everything I do? Because he lived it before, because he's me…who I'm going to become."
"See, that just doesn't work though mate," Julian said bluntly, coming to sit beside Barry. "The catalyst to this whole mess is Iris dying, correct? Which would mean that for you to become Savitar Iris would need to die. Yet Savitar is the one who kills her which means that, logically, you Barry, the you right here and now can't be Savitar because there needs to be a starting point to everything. You would become Savitar if Iris didn't die. So, therefore, ultimately, the Barry who is Savitar is not you."
"…Which Barry is it then?" Barry asked, for the first time since the revelation feeling the slightest bit of relief.
"Well, Cisco's guess is a time remnant. You said during your trip to 2024 that the Barry there said Savitar beat all of them too. So, why couldn't he be one as well?"
"But then it still is me…just how could any version of me do that to Iris? How could I kill the woman I love?"
"Clearly something happened that we don't know about mate," Julian said softly. "Perhaps it's something like with…Caitlin. We don't blame her for Killer Frost, do we?"
"Of course not," Barry was quick to say, and at Julian's raised eyebrow he sighed.
"And as someone who has done…bad things as well, against my will as they were, you can't let this stop you. So this Barry might know everything that's going to happen, we've already begun to change the timeline by seeing Tracy early. Who knows what else might change. You're a good man Barry Allen. I may not have liked you to begin with but after the things I've seen…the things I've seen you do, you're a better man than most. Remember that."
Though his doubts haven't been eased completely, Barry couldn't help but give Julian a small smile.
"You've gotten better at this," he noted.
Julian heaved a put upon sigh. "With the crises you lot go through on a daily basis I've had to." A bit gentler, he added. "But you're welcome mate. Now go up and see your fiancé. She still needs you."
With a clap on the shoulder, Julian left and feeling more optimistic than he had before, Barry followed him.
[Listen ik this doesn't make much sense but that's because what's going on doesn't make much sense to me cos time stuff kinda messes my mind up but I just wanted to write something and Julian demanded my attention.]