Author's Note: Feeling depressed + Lifehouse + a yearning to recapture the careless days of youth = this. The O.C. was one of the most popular shows of the decade for a reason, but if you'll forgive me, Luke/Seth was always my OTP. I don't even know what this is, nor what inspired me to work with prose, of which I know nothing about. All I know is, I wrote like a madman over the period of maybe eight hours with Lifehouse's song, You Can Shake The Mountains (back when the band was known as Blyss), on repeat.
Can I just say, Chris Carmack has got to be one of my favorite actors of all time, even though I've only seen him on this show. His departure from the show after the first season, and his cameo in the second season's first episode represents the idea of innocence lost more than Ryan or Marissa could have ever hoped to personify. This was written years after the show has ended and makes gratuitous use of artistic license in fucking up with certain details (which includes timeline, I'm sure) and relies heavily on information found on Wikipedia.
Disclaimer: The O.C. and all its characters are the property of Josh Schwartz.
Contrary to popular belief, nobody has Luke Ward pegged.
He spends his days around people who smile and think they know the thoughts that run through his head and hates it. Then he looks over and sees people who smirk and think they know the thoughts that run through his head and hates it even more.
Still waters run deep, but it's the rapids that knock you down for the count.
He waits until they are twelve and then asks Marissa to be his buddy on their excursion to the Museum of Tolerance, and she acquiesces happily. Afterwards he holds her hands and asks for a kiss, and she gives willingly. He brags about it to his father that very evening, and feels a glow of pride when he claps a hand on his shoulder. He doesn't say anything to his friends, but it's okay because Marissa has already told Summer Roberts and everyone already knows the next day.
There is an odd thing that happens as you grow up; the people you don't want in your life disappear, shifting and losing all manner of distinctiveness until they become faceless and get pulled away into the background. It happens in that magical time between third and fourth grade, when you stop classifying your friends as everyone in class and bestow the honor upon a select few. The first time it happened, it scared Luke to think of the possibility of losing someone he cared about simply not caring anymore; now, he decides that if it's going to happen anyway, then he might as well embrace it.
Luke likes Marissa, he really does. The small grin he gives her from across the room means more to him than the meeting of rubbery lips ever could. That's why he chooses to wait until they're fourteen and about to launch into stratosphere to ask her to be with him. But by then he hears whispers from people he doesn't know that Marissa has been eyeing that sixteen year old dude who thinks he's all that and has the muscles to back it up.
He goes home that day with a bottle of dye and spends the afternoon rubbing it over his already blond hair. Just because you've already captured the devotion of the nameless masses doesn't mean you can't reach for the stars.
When he comes through those double doors one morning fingers linked with Marissa, he soaks in the appreciative grins and rolling eyes with detached candor. Marissa kisses him on the cheek and goes to find her friends and they spend the rest of the day apart.
When he tries out for water polo, he can see the anticipation in the eyes of the team. He knows they want him, might even go easy on him, because this is the way it goes. They have waited a year to see who the next stud of Harbor High will be, and he took the challenge upon himself, to fulfill the story the way it's meant to go.
He sees the way the others sneer when he sits at the popular table and tells himself they know nothing. To them, he's just another statistic – another number in a roll call that has been established along with the school as it raised itself from its very foundation. They know nothing about him that he doesn't choose to share; they don't know how much he loves to watch the sun rise and bathe him in its golden glow.
Contrary to poplar belief, Luke Ward does not hate Seth Cohen.
He likes Seth, perhaps as much as he likes Marissa if the blurring is any indication.
He's not so sure this is normal now. He sometimes wonders if there is something wrong with his eyes, but it can't be so, because even though every day the world seems to be sinking into grey, Seth Cohen and Marissa Cooper are glowing, as clear as the sky that hangs over Orange County.
Then he wonders if there is something wrong with his brain, but it can't be so, because he likes it this way, likes that its written so plainly, the people who are important to him.
He remembers the first time he ever met Seth, in first grade. The little boy sitting three rows ahead of him; he can't comprehend how he can recall such a clear shot of the way the boy hunched over doodling when there are two rows of people meant to be blocking his view, but it doesn't matter. Even back then, Seth had driven Luke blind to most others.
He and Seth had never mixed beyond their mother's skirts; Luke recalls staring with wide eyes at the boy standing shyly behind Kirsten Cohen and chewing on his thumbnail while both women forced polite talk at his birthday party when they were eight.
He can see the blame in Seth's eyes with every punch he takes. His eyes shine with accusation, and Luke doesn't want to meet them. How can he say that he is not responsible for this? That Seth had been the one to put himself in this position. He had offered him a chance out, once, holding his hand for the other boy to take, back in the days when it didn't matter how scrawny you were. Seth had chosen to live in his own world instead, chosen to suffer every time he walked into this place.
The fact that he took his part in his tribulations was entirely beside the point; they each had a role to play, and had no one to blame to parts they were cast but themselves. He watches as a guy twice Seth's size lays it into him and thinks that at least the bruises will stand nicely against his translucent skin.
Luke is crushed the first time Marissa tells him it's over. He wants to hide, he wants to scream, he wants to cry. All his work, and it still wasn't good enough. He stands in front of the mirror in his bathroom and caresses the still-developing muscles and wonders if it was because she could not appreciate a work-in-progress. If that's the case, he can't help that, and maybe that just means they weren't meant to be.
But then, what does that say about him in this culture of instant gratification?
All his fears are assuaged when his teammates, his comrades, circle around him and tells him it's only the beginning for them. They help him it for the game it is, and Luke wants to slap himself; his whole life is a game, how could he have thought this was any different? He asks for the next play, because he's still learning, and they're only too happy to help him up, take his mind off it, and show him what the world is like.
He grinds his hips against a girl who only wins his attentions because she chose the right shade of lipstick, pink, wet, illuminating on the dancefloor and drawing him closer. He leans in, wanting to know if it feels as good as it looks, and she leads him away to a darkened room.
He sits himself on a bed and discreetly pulls out his phone while she wiggles out of the straps of her dress. He skips the show in favor of glancing down at his phonebook highlighting Marissa's name. He wants to hear her voice. Sadly he thinks of how different things could have been if only they'd decided to skip this one ploy, dedicated themselves to being together, a sturdy presence to stop the other when shaking. He pictures the first day they walked into school together with their hands linked, and wishes he never let go. Then he tosses the phone away because she's ready and waiting, this complete stranger, for him to play this game Marissa has started between them.
Afterwards, he feels as numb as he ever did, but the guys are cheering, and the days go by, one after another, with more and more girls coming to murmur appreciatively about how well he's coming along.
Marissa comes back, and he wants to stop, but reminds himself that a response to a challenge is not the end, that he must issue a challenge of his own as well. So he keeps letting friends whose names he does not remember lead him to places he does not want to go to and girls whom he cannot see at all.
Marissa breaks up with him again, various points throughout the year, her decisions seemingly arbitrary. Luke does not resent her for it, he understands; once you start the game, it can't be stopped.
She will always be the girl he dreams about, but they will never be the thing he'd pinned his hopes on.
Everything changes when Ryan comes into view.
Luke first meets him at Holly's party, only sees eyes twinkling blue; doesn't know who he is, doesn't care; wouldn't have even realized this was a newcomer had they not started fighting, feeling his body under his fists, strong and unfamiliar. It's a surprise, but it's not important.
What is important is that when Seth touches him, he becomes clear. Luke blinks, but it's still happening, blurry features coming into focus. It is as though Seth is bringing him to life.
Never in all his sixteen years of life has this happened before. Luke turns tail and runs.
The next time Luke meets Ryan, he wants to lash out. He sees him with Seth, and hates the skinny Jewish boy for this, for bringing this outcast into such sharp focus. Marissa adores him, and isn't it just so convenient that all the people who bring the light into his world are dancing together, ever closer to this nobody, this boy who only matters because he matters to the two people Luke holds closest to his heart.
Marissa calls it off again, and for the first time he resents her for it, knows it must be because of this new guy, the one who doesn't belong, the one who dragged the dirt of the earth into their closed little bubble and showed his girlfriend that, yes, there is life out there, a whole world just waiting for her to fall into its arms.
Perhaps for the first time, his heart is not pure when he lays down next to a woman. It is closed, and it is scarred, and all he wants is to find a way to be open again. So when Holly comes around and squeezes his face between two hands, all he can see is white teeth in a lascivious grin, and he says yes, yes you can.
Because Marissa – Marissa is work. He breathes into Holly's ear and tells himself, it shouldn't be this hard, shouldn't take this much effort to get it right, because it's really only been a year, and he's stretched too thin. Marissa is dramatic and chaotic, and maybe that's the life he signed up for, the life he knew would lead to the best results at the end of the day, but it's just too hard and he doesn't want it anymore.
When he's found out, it's almost a relief. He'd been planning on straightening up anyway, flying right – and for him, he's been so corrupted, led down so far – to him, that means taking what he wants, what is expected for him to devour, from Holly. No others. Because he was starting to doubt Marissa would be there for much longer anyway, not after that first time, the first time that let off the leash and free to run wild, and Luke is too tired to run after her anymore, especially since he keeps finding her running to the one place he doesn't want her to go to.
He snarls at Ryan, lets him know he's not wanted, no matter what is said and done. It's Seth and Marissa keeping him tethered here, and he better not forget it, damn the little favors Luke has granted him – going with him to jail, for instance, because when all is said and done, no matter how dark he's become, Luke Ward was raised to know right from wrong.
Ryan bites back, Seth and Marissa look at him amazed, but Luke already knew it would happen. The strays always know what's worth fighting for, and Luke acquiesces, slinks back into the shadows, waiting, because its obvious that while Luke only has the ability to watch, Ryan has the power to touch, and that just makes him all the more necessary.
So he shifts back to the sidelines, the place where he has always been, the only one left sitting in his chair when everyone else is on the coliseum floor brawling it out. He waits and prays someone will tell him he's useful again.
He sits in the back row in class and with the jocks that have adopted him as their own at lunch and lets their conversation swirl around him, never really paying attention as his eyes search out for Seth Cohen's face. He finds him talking animatedly with Ryan, Marissa hanging on close by, and lets an easy smile come over his face as he takes in the Jewish boy's form, the world narrowing to focus only on the three of them, the only ones who matter here.
He gazes down at the meatloaf sitting untouched on his tray and pushes it back, no longer hungry.
He approaches Marissa one morning, no longer able to contain the loneliness bearing down upon him, begs her for another chance, an opportunity to forgive the past and try fresh. She rebukes him, and he slithers back, watching emptily as Ryan takes her hand.
He restrains himself from reaching out to touch Seth; he sees him in the morning, sees the wanting he feels mirrored in dark pools every time Ryan guides Marissa into the distance where no one else may stand with them. He watches as Seth shakes his head before turning to smile at the shadowy blur of Summer.
When it is Ryan that offers him a path back to the side he longs to be on, Luke nearly turns away; but pride is never a good enough excuse when all your desires are dangling before your very eyes, and he takes the proffered hand and promises himself that if this man can help him stand up again, he will forget the fact that he made him fall down in the first place.
The world comes to an end only a few days later, when, giggling, Luke and Ryan dart into a car dealership and stop dead when they find more. Carson Ward pulls away from an unnamed man, and Luke shuts his eyes in attempt to block out what he is seeing; for the first ever, things are too, too clear.
Ryan offers him solace, shields him when the floor disappears from underneath his feet. Luke almost wants to push him away and stand tall and proud. At night though, burying himself under the covers trying to make himself as small as possible, listening to his mother scream and his father beg, he tells himself he is not strong enough to do this alone.
He surveys his brothers with sad eyes, the ones who will truly suffer, who are already suffering, having grown out of the blissful ignorance of childhood and only just discovering how the world truly works., and wishes he could do something. In the end though, the only thing he can do is try to forget.
Seth hates him for accepting Ryan's salvation, almost as much as Luke hates himself for it. Luke doesn't understand it. True, he can make no restitution for the things he has done to the other boy, but didn't he understand that he never wanted to do those things? That the world had directed his hand, and what could he do with such power urging him on? This is how it's done in Orange County. It was the natural order of things, and he could stop himself from following it out no more than he could stop himself from wanting to breathe in Seth's scent, kiss Marissa's shoulders, and hold on to both of them, pale and tan, and never let them go again.
He is never going to have Marissa again. Luke thinks that maybe, maybe, if he tries hard enough, he could convince her again, but he can't anymore, not after all that Ryan has done for him. In payment for his protection, for making him feel safe when all the world wanted him in pieces, he decides to give him Marissa. And if she is not his to give anymore, then he was simply agree to let her go, because that has always been his right to choose, as the man who loved her first.
Yes, he is still lonely; yes, he still stands by the sidelines with his hands in his pockets while Marissa dances with Ryan and Seth sways against Summer, but watching four content smiles, he almost thinks it's worth it.
Oliver blows in like a gale storm, and everybody wants to throw their hands up and feel the wind blowing against their clothes, but Luke eyes him with mistrust.
Oliver is like nothing he has ever seen before. The edges are blurred, as though he is not yet complete, but he still burns too bright in his eyes for Luke's liking. He closes his eyes and pretends he does not see his face.
It is an odd choice, siding with Ryan over Oliver; Ryan, whose face he only knows because of Seth, instead of Oliver, whose features were sharp from the very beginning, whose earnest eyes, limpid pools of black, are asking for Luke to choose him. In the end though, Luke has made the right choice, and he feels lifted as Ryan cuffs him on the arm. It tells him that even though he may not know what to make of his life, sometimes, sometimes he takes the correct path.
Finding Julie Cooper probably has nothing to do with Marissa; somewhere along the lines their hands broke apart and they chose separate roads when they came across a fork in the road. Luke is enough of a man who admit to himself that he has taken the wrong one. Finding Julie Cooper is finding a gold coin that stings his flesh when he picks it up.
He was drowning in himself when she reached out and cupped his face with a firm hand, grasped his chin and forced his eyes to meet her own, and he is shocked to discover that he can see her, burning bright like the hair that flows and frames her face. He reaches out too and meets her halfway.
It is morbid and it is wrong, and he knows that if it ever comes out, everything that has been granted to him thus far will evaporate, and knows that eventually, all will be revealed. It is almost a relief when it is Seth and Ryan who come to him with faces drawn and repeats his secret back out for him to hear, and he blanches, because listening to it back, it sounds so disgusting. He agrees, and complies, because they only want what is best for him, and calmly brushes away at Julie's face until it is indecipherable again.
It is too little, too late, too stupid, and Marissa finds them out anyway. He sees the pain and the disbelief written on her face, and wishes that he could not see her now. She marches forward to pierce his eyes, then rears back and delivers her stinging blow, and it burns, it burns.
In the distance he can see them shake their heads, in sympathy, in pity, in abhorrence, and they walk away in unison, and he is left alone again.
He has nothing left and is only trying to find an anchor to keep him tethered to this place when he seeks Julie out again, wants to feel her pressing against him, her misery coupled with his to make him whole again. It is as though he is driving himself into a corner he can't back out of, as though if he pushes himself far enough, he will die, and be able to start all over again.
As it turns out, he does drive himself to a corner, one from which there is no return, and he does almost push himself to the breaking point, and, miraculously enough, does find a way to start again, and there is Ryan once again, his hand reaching out to help him out of ruined metal, tantamount to the final steps needed to close his eyes to the antics of Orange County once for all, and find new release. Gratefully, he accepts.
His mother's heart breaks when he tells her he is leaving. Her face has slowly been clouding over as Luke revulsion over her mistreatment of his father turns him on to his side, but he can still see betrayal in her eyes, the only part of her that is left glimmering in the dark.
He looks to his father, and sees him for the first time.
Luke appears at the Cohen house to bid Ryan goodbye. He doesn't go to Marissa, has already begged for her forgiveness, telling her he needs it before he leaves for good in the chaos that envelopes night. Seth is standing there as well, and Luke simply stares at him, taking it in his beauty wordlessly.
He steps out again and breathes in morning air.
It is on one disconcerting day when he opens the door to find Seth in desperation and takes him in. The sun is shining too bright and they sit at the table over breakfast and Seth tells him how the world has fallen apart.
Luke likes Portland enough, but it will never be home. The air is too muggy, the sun is too bright, and maybe he hasn't been here long enough, but it looks to him as if the sun breaks the dawn in an entirely different way here. Luke likes Portland enough, but it will never be home.
Seth puts it in the right way. Luke knows eventually he will go back – no one leaves the O.C. until it is done with them, chewed and spat out, but he sees Portland the way Luke wishes he has the luxury to see it, as a resting place, a sanctuary to hide his face in until someone meaningful comes to pull him back where he belongs again.
Seth is more quiet, more contemplative, and although it is not the Seth he knows, Luke remembers. He's beginning to scab over the way Luke scabbed over years ago, having discovered life and falling down. One day, he knows, Seth will look back on all this and console himself that at least he did something. These battle wounds are victory badges for jumping off the sidelines and throwing himself into the brawl Luke took himself out of a long time ago.
So Luke takes his hand, takes him outside, and shows him what paradise is like.
Seth opens up to him finally, and Luke is glad, because this is what he's become now. He's gone from hostile animosity, shot past human, and become a sounding board, someone Seth considers wise enough to trust with his issues.
He is in love with Ryan; Luke knows it, doesn't need Seth to say the words. He's leans back and contemplates that perhaps he has felt every emotion there is available to feel, and truth be told, he would not spare Seth from this pain for anything, this wonderful, terrible pain that is like opening your eyes and seeing the forest overhead for the first time.
He finds dark hair bathing softly in the moonlight, watching the stars through the barrier of a window, turns him around slowly, and they match eyes.
Together their lips meet, and Luke falls backwards, pulling Seth on top, and slowly removes both their clothes and offers himself for both of them.
In the morning Luke opens his eyes and sees a skinny frame encased in a robe too big wrapped tightly around him watching the sun break over the horizon. It is the sunrise Luke has been waiting for, but he ignores it to stare at black hair and white skin.
When the sun has risen high against the clouds, he pushes himself forward and kisses Seth under his ear, and leads him back to bed.
They laugh, they have fun, they make love, but once again everything changes when Ryan comes into view.
Luke watches with his lips parted when Seth leads his brother and soulmate out to talk. He watches from the window in the kitchen above the sink under the pretense of filling water and doesn't notice when the cup overflows and soaks his loose fingers.
He doesn't blink, doesn't breathe, and then Seth comes to say goodbye.
He watches from afar as haul Seth's momentary lifetime with him away.
He follows them outside, and watches from a distance as they get into the car and pull away.
He raises his hand in goodbye and doesn't drop it until long after they've faded from the distance.
He consoles himself, tells himself that one day his life will consist only of the things he wants inside it. But he also tells himself that he will never forget the shape of Seth's face.