Cosmic Mario's A Douche

By: C. Mechayoshi

Created: 5/27/17

Disclaimer: Mario and co belong to Nintendo.

Summary: No one likes this guy, including Mario and friends. Probably because he's a dangerous psychopath, but who knows?

Content warning: Mild references.

Under a sunny blue sky, Mario and friends were enjoying a wonderful picnic. In the grassy field lay a large red Mario emblem blanket, and seated on it was Mario, Peach, and Luigi. Little did they know, someone was watching from the nearby bushes.

"This is such a beautiful day! Teehee!" Peach giggled, leaning close to Mario. Mario looked her way warmly then opened the picnic basket. Inside was bread for sandwiches, ham, pasta, mushrooms, pizza, candy, Peach's cake, Shroom shakes, FungusUp, napkins, more mushrooms, a monkey wrench, a Fidget spinner, a Nintendo DS, a thousand coins, and finally, some mustard.

"Ooh, I think I'm feeling adventurous. I'm going to invent a new kind of sandwich!" Peach said excitingly after peering into the basket. She grabbed the bread as the Mario brothers looked on, wondering what she'd might pick. She pulled out the fidget spinner, Nintendo DS, and ham. "Won't this make the most delicious sandwich?"

"Wait, Princess!" Mario called out. "Uh, well..."

Crunch! Peach's beautiful and expensively taken care of teeth had no issues biting through the hard ingredients.

"I'm gonna miss my fidget spinner..." Luigi sighed.

Mario had a laugh. "Guess we shouldn't have packed all of this other stuff in the basket with the food-"

Pow! The basket exploded as if someone had shot a Bullet Bill at it and it caught on fire. Peach dropped her sandwich in shock as the Mario brothers jumped up.

"Enemy attack!" Mario shouted.

Luigi ran up to Peach and held her tight. "Princess secured!"

Mario shot him a look. "Hey, hands off, okay?" Luigi let go defeatedly. Just then another shot went off, narrowly missing Mario.

"Darn it! Why did I bring a two barrel canon?!" the bushes screamed, with a few extra profanities thrown in.

"It's coming from that bush, bro!" Luigi pointed out.

"Oh dear! I hate when talking bushes attack!" Peach shrieked.

"Paperize!" Mario yelled. The world froze in place and then went flat. Kirsti came out of nowhere and lifted Mario above the flattened world. Immediately the bushes lifted up slightly, indicating that they could be removed. Mario did so and the bush paper item appeared in his inventory. He exited the paperize world and waved goodbye to Kirsti, who rolled her eyes before returning to the Sticker Star galaxy.

Behind the bush was Cosmic Mario! Everyone gawked at the starry blue galactic impostor. Cosmic Mario threw the cannon down in a rage.

"So you found me," he spat in a gravely voice, "Race me then, you son of-"

"Nah," Mario said offhandedly. "Were trying to have a picnic, you know?"

A 'You lose!' Message popped up because Mario refused the race, so he immediately killed over.

"Mario!" Peach called out.

"Oh that's supposed to happen," Luigi said, "but it's okay because- Super Luigi to the rescue!-"

Bam! Cosmic Mario effortlessly tackled him to the ground and walloped him. After five seconds, Luigi was out, cold.

"Ha ha! You lose, loser!" Cosmic Mario mocked. "I beat the Mario brothers!" Cosmic Mario stood up victoriously.

"Please! Don't hurt me!" Peach plead, backing away.

Cosmic Mario looked at her. "What ever, babe. I'm not into women like that," he scoffed.

Peach froze. "Wait, so you're-"

"-Into revenge. Yes, uh huh!" Cosmic Mario nodded. "Nice sandwich you made, by the way. I'll have to try it sometime. Well, I'll see you around. Bwa ha ha-" Cosmic Mario's evil laugh was cut off by a coughing fit. "...Sorry, those bushes started up my allergies. Ha!"

He ran off, leaving Peach and the unconscious Mario brothers alone.

After a while, the Mario brothers woke up, confused.

"Momma Mia! What was that about? What a jerk! And where's the food?" Mario asked, looking at the charred remains of what was their picnic basket.

Peach burped. "Oh teehee! I got...hungry?"

Luigi got up, holding his aching head, and sighed, "I'm still gonna miss that fidget spinner..."

To be continued.