Stupid thoughts

So I sat there. Cold and alone. It hardly ever gets cold around here. It was raining outside and I got bored from editing videos all day. She was gone. To do I don't even care what. You know what though? It was great to have some space. Why? It's not the same, I don't get it. I love her and it's been that way for a long time. Longer than my last serious relationship. A relationship that to the person, never even happened. It bothers me to know old highschool 'friends' have said something or when people guess it. I mean, is it really that obvious? I don't know... I don't...Asking a person to be friends after breaking up is like, a burglar asking to keep in touch. Okay so it's worked out, I mean we're best friends and by letting our " comedic genius" get the best of us, we're practically Internet famous. It's hard not to feel hurt or disgusted when we joke about us... In a non friendly way. It just brings back too many memories and buried emotions we've kept locked up inside. Even thinking about it turns my face a new shade of color. What's worse is looking up all the fanfiction and fanart about us. In little rare Times I find something we 'used' to do. It... Stings.
-knock knock-
Crap.
" Hey man I'm home."
Anthony. Just Anthony. It's interesting to know we both call this place home even when we don't even sleep here anymore.
"Hey, why are you here?"
"Just stuff with Kalel, didn't expect to find you here, what about Melanie?"
"She went out of town."
"Hm."
He sat down on the other side of the couch.
It was awkward, more than it should be. After some moments of silence he pulled out his phone, out of sheer boredom. I just kept to myself , drifting from my stupid thoughts.
A little quizzical expression from him made me curious.
"So what're you doing there?"
"Huh? Oh, just surfing through some twitter questions, we have the weirdest fans you know?"
"We sure do."
"like the hardcore fangirls just, what? Do they ask the CIA to help them search information or what?"
That was funny,
"Hah, why?, Did a question guess right?"
"well- ok, listen to this one,
- smoshAnthony and SmoshIan, just realized they practically have a lunchdate each week."

Ouch.
"...Okay... It's just two guys having lunch together, not a big deal."
"I know right? It's damn hilarious to read comments after we tease them though, that I admit is funny."
He did have a point, but that was true too... We do kinda have "dates"

Okay...That stung like a bitch.
"Dude you okay?"
"What? Oh yeah man, just...thinking."
I folded my arms for warmth. Damn rain.
"You sure? You look sick."
"Nah dude just, cold, weather is shit today."
"Yeah man no kidding, I got soaked earlier today."
"Ha would've loved to see that."
"Bet you would."
It got quiet again and Anthony kept scrolling through his phone. I pulled my legs up on the couch to hug for a ball of warmth. Too damn lazy to get a blanket. He broke the ice this time.
"Oh my god dude."
"What?"
"just-ha-just listen to this, a tumblr one this time,
-I believe that Smosh is almost number 1 on YouTube, I think it's fair that when they reach it, they should give something to us fans what we have been waiting for, they should finally kiss!"

Say what?
"Are you frickin kidding me right now?"
Anthony started laughing his Anthony laugh and turned a little shade redder.
"No man, it's what they want and-
87% of voters agree."

We must act really gay.
"Well like what kind of-"
"Well they obviously want-"
Anthony gestured toward his mouth.
"Lips like back when we-"

Okay so I looked down, I really couldn't tell what my expression was but it seemed like Anthony could.
"Sorry man I-"
"Why apologize?"
Anthony didn't say anything. He just looked at me. I looked down at my socks suddenly entranced in them trying to steer clear of the shit that's going down. Then-

"Do you think things could have been different?"
I contemplated whether if I should answer or not, so instead I said,
"What are you talking about?"
Anthony suddenly turned on his serious mode which he hardly ever does with me.
"Ian you know what I mean, do you think things would have been different?"
"Come on dude. Are you serious? Obviously they would have. We'd still see each other in the morning, we'd be able to do more videos, hell, we would still live together in this damn house."
Okay... That slipped.
Anthony just stared at me, emotionless.
"I never meant to-" he started.
"Look man I know we tried but becoming famous meant more to you than-"
I really didn't want to finish that.
"You know that's not true."
"Right, it's because being with a guy and being famous is a frickin rare occasion."
I was right and he knew it.

Silence.
"Anthony... Dude, I'm sorry I'm just, lately I've been having stupid thoughts and-"
"It's fine. I know..."
He wouldn't know.

"Ian if you don't want to do it we don't have to."
"Anthony, I think that question belongs to you too."
I couldn't read him right now, suddenly I felt like we were teenagers again...When All the pain came crashing down on me when he...At that time in my life,even through the pain I was glad I would still be friends with him. Even if I knew it would cost me and frankly, it has.
"Did you ever get over us?"
That caught me off guard and it was unfair.
I didn't say anything. I mean seriously, what could I say?
He looked dead on at me, his eyes burning into me and I wanted get up and walk away but I couldn't. He waited for an answer that surely would never come. He leaned toward me.

He better not try anything, I swear to god I'll kill him.
"Ian remember what I told you at that dance, when we left to the lake."
I'm going to stab him.
"Yeah and?"
"I never lied about it you know."
I'm going to kill him.
"Lied about what?"
He casually moved some hair away from my eyes.
Bastard.
"Ian to me, your eyes are blue like the ocean and I'm lost out at sea."
Fuck you.

I don't want to. I don't want him To make me feel like that. It's never going to change anyways.

He got up and out of nowhere kissed my cheek. I was about to punch him in his fucking face.
He quietly said words left unsaid after 10 years,
" I still have feelings for you."
Immature idiot.
He stood up and headed towards the closet where we keep the blankets, he looked back at me.
"You know what?
-I do wish things were different."

So do I but you know what, it's a wish and wishes don't always come true.

Things won't change even if I dared say,
-He came back and put the blanket on me,-

-"I love you too."
I barely even made sound but he smiled.

Things will never change and I'll be stuck with,
stupid thoughts.