Season 7 Episode 1

Riverrun

Arya looked over all the fucks she was about to kill while wearing Walder Frey's mask. It had been the surprise reveal of the last season when she had killed Walder Frey using her assassin ability. Now, she was going to double down on that success and run up the score. Her plan was to poison all the Freys, a woman's preference for mass murder. But first, she was thinking to take some unnecessary risks of being found out, so she could gloat.

Arya thought about telling them why she was holding a feast two nights in a row. But then she realized, she was a lord. She could do whatever the fuck she wanted to do. Who was going to question her? So, Arya said nothing and simply snapped her fingers to the servant girls to serve everyone wine.

Arya then considered she needed to have a toast, so she could enjoy the moment. Then, she realized she would be expected to drink the poisoned wine herself and someone might notice that she wasn't drinking. So, she kept her mouth shut and allowed the men to have their fill on the wine. Now, it was the common belief in the Riverlands that only women and homosexuals ever drank wine. Real Riverland men loved to drink horse-piss beer. However, the poison didn't work on horse-piss beer, so she had to settle with wine. She thought about explaining the situation but then realized she was a lord and no one was going to question her about it.

Arya then considered gloating about how they had killed her family but now she was killing all of them. She was going to use an allegory about wolves and sheep. But then she realized maybe one of them didn't drink the wine or was perhaps immune to the poison, so she kept her mouth shut. One of Walder Frey's daughters partook of the wine, and Arya didn't stop her because that would be suspicious if she did. Plus, fuck her along with everyone else.

Eventually, the men did get sick and started to die on her. "Quick, someone get a physician," Arya ordered the servant girls. As the servant girls left, Arya wrote a note and placed it on the table.

"The North remembers," it read, signed by The Wolf Cub.

The Wolf Cub then casually exited the hall and went on her merry way not saying one word. Once she was far away from Riverrun, she took off her mask.

Winterfell

Jon addressed a crowd of Northerners with Sansa on her left and Davos on his right. "I want all the Northern maestros to look through the records on dragon glass. I have no idea what it is or what it looks like," Jon said.

"All the maestros are dead," Davos said somberly.

"Well...shit," Jon muttered. "Well, I know this. It's in the ground...beneath the snow. We need to mine for it. You know, poke spears in the ground until you find it. Everyone needs to help out: men, women, boys, and girls."

"You expect me to put a spear in my grand daughter's hand?" a Northern Lord spoke up.

"Well, no, your grand daughter is an infant. Don't be a smart-ass," Jon said annoyed.

"I'm a girl. I can do anything you can!" Lyanna stood up to him.

"Holy shit," the Northern Lord backed off.

"Fuck the patriarchy," Lyanna said and then sat down.

"Well, alright then," Jon said moving right along. "I need people to man the castles at the wall to shore up our defenses."

"You want us to man your castles?" Tormund dared him standing up.

"Aye, you have a problem with that, fucker?" Jon asked him.

"Yeah, you didn't say please," Tormund said wide-eyed.

"Get the fuck out of here," Jon rolled his eyes. Tormund smiled and laughed.

"We're the night's watch now, bitches," Tormund said leaving with his people out of the room.

"We need men to man the castles at Last Hearth and Karhold," Jon brought up.

"But the Umbers and Karstarks betrayed the North," a Northern Lord protested. "We should tear down their castles."

"Why the fuck would you do that?" Sansa asked dismayed. "The castles committed no crime."

"Aye, castles don't commit crimes," Jon agreed.

"We should give these castles to new families loyal to the North," Sansa said.

"I was thinking of going with the old way and just having the next in line take over," Jon said to her.

"But their fathers betrayed us by siding with Ramsey Bolton," Sansa pointed out.

"And I kicked their ass," Jon said proud of himself. "If I disqualified from lordship every house I've kicked ass on, none of you would be here today."

The Northern lords nodded admitting this truth. "Lord Umber and Lady Karstark are children," Sansa pointed out.

Jon looked at them both. "God damn," he realized.

"They're not much older than me. I can fight and lead just like any of you," Lyanna spoke up.

"Holy shit," Jon said stunned by her. "Look, I'm not comfortable stripping people of ancestral titles because their father was an asshole. I mean, my father was an asshole and his father was an asshole and so forth," Jon said still oblivious to his true heritage yet accurate none-the-less.

"So, there's no punishment for treason?" Sansa asked.

"I killed the fuckers. Do you want me to kill them again? Do you want me to dig up their bodies, put them on trial, and then hang them again?" Jon asked incredulously.

"Give the castles to those who fought alongside you," Sansa pressed.

"You know what, fuck it," Jon agreed exasperated by her.

Jon walked the walls of Winterfell with Sansa. "What the fuck was that? You undermine me," Jon complained.

"Because you're a dumb-ass that doesn't know how this game is played," Sansa told him.

"For generations, people understood that this castle belonged to this family and that castle belonged to that family. No one dared to question it because it always was. And we had peace because of it. Now, you've opened up the idea that castles can be traded between families, that sins of the father descend upon the son, and that nothing is permanent," Jon said to her.

"We have to worry about now. The Undead are getting closer to the wall and Cersei will march on us from the South and there is nothing to stop her," Sansa warned.

"That bitch isn't going to send an army up North. It's too damn cold," Jon told her.

"You know nothing, Jon," Sansa said condescendingly.

"You want to be Queen of the North?" Jon asked rhetorically.

"Yes," Sansa replied.

"Well...you can't," Jon said lamely.

"I just got this," Sansa said handing him a note.

Jon read the note from Cersei. "Come to King's Landing and bend the knee, or you're fucked," it read.

"Such a nice lady," Jon muttered throwing the note away.

Cersei watched a rather nervous painter in a courtyard. The floor was the entire continent of Westeros, nearly finished. "Hurry up or I'll use your blood to finish it myself," Cersei threatened him.

Jaime waltzed in and noticed the painting. He gave the painter a nod to leave. The painter quickly left the courtyard. "He was nearly done," Cersei said displeased.

"What is this?" Jaime wondered of the painting.

"It's what we have been waiting for our whole lives. For someone to finally paint this map on the floor," Cersei said admiring it.

"Father made me memorize every city," Jaime recalled.

"It's ours. We just have to take it," Cersei said ambitiously. "You've been quiet since you came home. Are you angry with me?" she asked.

"Well, shit, you blew up our son's in-laws killing our Tyrell allies. Now, Olena Tyrell is lending her army and ships against us," Jaime said.

"I'm not apologizing," Cersei said quickly. "You afraid of me?" she asked him.

"Should I be?" Jaime wondered.

"Yes, fucker. I'm the QUEEN!" Cersei shouted at him.

Jaime rolled his eyes. "You let that imp go free and now he's advising Daenerys Targaryen who is now leading an armada against me across the Narrow Sea," Cersei said angrily.

"He's still family," Jaime said to her.

"He killed my son, he killed father, and he'll end up killing us both next. How many more Lannisters does he have to kill before you disown him?" Cersei asked.

"Only some of that is true," Jaime allowed.

"Where will they land?" Cersei asked changing the subject.

"Dragonstone. It's well fortified, deep harbors, and a Targaryen stronghold years ago," Jaime said looking at the map.

"Then its a race to see who gets there first. Euron Greyjoy's fleet is almost here. They can cut off the armada from getting to Dragonstone," Cersei considered.

"That pirate will be no match against that armada," Jaime doubted.

"The dragon queen may split up her fleet as she transports troops to Dorne, The Reach, and Casterly Rock," Cersei figured. "If she does, Greyjoy's fleet can destroy the armada piece-by-piece," Cersei said confidently.

"Maybe," Jaime said uncertain. "We need food for our soldiers and horses. The only way to do that is to reacquire The Reach which spreads us thin."

"Find allies within The Reach that find Dothraki raping and pillaging their villages unappealing," Cersei told him.

"They won't side with us if they think Daenerys will win," Jaime said.

"But we will win and then we'll launch a dynasty for a thousand years," Cersei said insanely.

"With what? Our children are dead," Jaime pointed out.

"Put another one in my belly. I'll claim it belongs to Euron Greyjoy," Cersei said getting close to him and holding his arms.

"God damn, woman," Jaime said stunned.

"Do you find me no longer attractive, brother?" Cersei wondered hurt.

"I had a boner as soon as I walked in," Jaime admitted. "You know, we never talked about Thomen."

"He betrayed me," Cersei said turning away from him and getting a glass of wine.

"Our baby boy killed himself," Jaime pointed out.

"He betrayed us both," Cersei said angrily.

Jaime then took out his sword and sliced her through. Cersei dropped her wine glass staining the floor with the wine and then with her blood. "No, you betrayed us," Jaime said to her.

Cersei gave him a look of shock as she bled from her mouth. Jaime then took the blade out and gently took her to the floor. "I'm sorry it had to be this way," he said cradling her head.

Jaime looked out over Blackwater Bay and saw the Greyjoy fleet arriving. They had indeed made it quicker than the Targaryen armada. The Mountain and Qyburn looked out oblivious to Cersei's death. "Looks like she brought all of the Greyjoys," Jaime remarked.

"Indeed, Ser Jaime," Qyburn replied pleased.

The fleet then started exploding and sinking as three dragons in the distance blasted the fleet. "Holy fuck!" Jaime realized as the Greyjoy fleet burned.

Daenerys rode Drogon as she blasted the defenseless Greyjoy fleet. The sailors put up a minor defense by shooting arrows at them. Euron stared dismayed as his fleet was being destroyed by the three dragons. "We are so fucked," he realized.

What was left of the Greyjoy fleet attempted to flee towards King's Landing. Sailors threw themselves into the sea to avoid the flames. The dragons took multiple passes frying the men struggling in the water. Finally, Euron Greyjoy's ship was hit killing him instantly. Jaime winced as he saw the entire Greyjoy fleet burning and sinking in the bay. Daenerys flew towards Dragonstone with Drogon while the other two dragons continued firing on the survivors until they were all killed off.

"Well...shit," Jaime realized.

At Winterfell, Brienne spent her days kicking Podrick's ass in the square. Tormund came over to Brienne suddenly interested in her manly shoulders, her thick thighs, her square jaw, and muscular back. "I heard you beat the Hound in single combat. That's marriage material right there, lass," Tormund said to her.

Meanwhile, Little Finger came up to Sansa like the creepy bastard he was. "She's a very impressive woman," Little Finger remarked.

"Oh, fuck me," Sansa said insulted.

"You're impressive, too, Sansa," Little Finger corrected himself.

"Damn straight. I've been through hell and back," Sansa said proud of herself.

"I just want you to be happy," Little Finger lied. "I want you to be safe."

"I am safe. I'm at home surrounded by friends. I have Brienne looking after me. What more could I want?" Sansa wondered.

"What about happy? Why aren't you happy?" Little Finger asked.

"Because Jon won't listen to me. He's such a jerk," Sansa said bitterly. "He doesn't respect me."

"He should. You're the rightful Queen of the North," Little Finger told her.

"I do like the sound of that," Sansa smiled.

Brienne then came up to the second level and gave Little Finger the evil eye. "I've assessed the situation, and I'm leaving," Little Finger walked off.

"Why is he still here?" Brienne asked.

"Good question," Sansa muttered.

Arya left a Lannister camp after she had slaughtered the entire squad and stolen their food. She ate rabbit on a stick as she left on her horse. "I do love me some rabbit," she said as she chewed off the rest of the meat on the stick. As she rode off, she sang a little song she had learned from them.

At Dragostone, Daenerys circled the castle to ensure no one was there and then landed on the beach. Her armada arrived at Dragonstone and formed a blockade of King's Landing. Daenerys met up with Tyrion, Missandei, and Grey Worm entering the castle. There, Daenerys eyed the throne room and then the war room. She paid special attention to a table shaped like Westeros with figurine models. Dragon sculptures were everywhere. Tyrion followed her into the war-room as she looked around.

She then faced him resolved. "Shall we begun?" she asked rhetorically.

"I thought we already had," Tyrion said confused.

Daenerys sighed. "I fucking hate you. You ruined it."