A/N: My first OHSHC fic! Whee! Dedicated to Missy X as an advance thank-you for her future collaboration efforts. Shout-out to Stinzorga, King of Bees, because she is way more awesome than anyone gives her credit for. Virtual cookies for you all!

"Hey, guys, look what we found in amongst the couch cushions!" Hikaru and Kaoru called from behind a plush sofa somewhere in the bowels of Music Room 3.

Haruhi looked up from her English assignment. "Let me guess… more 'commoner's spare change'?"

She was with all of the other hosts in club room, doing homework until they had to head home for dinner. Thankfully, it was an off day for the Host Club, so Haruhi had time to catch up on the buckets of work her teachers were assigning.

"Nope!" they replied gleefully, materializing next to Haruhi. "Mysterious pink pills!"

Without an upward glance from his notebook, Kyoya said, "Well, I don't suggest you take any chances with them. Who knows what sort of prescription they could be?"

Haruhi put down her pencil. "They don't look like prescription meds to me… didn't we see pictures of drugs in Health class? Because these bear a startling resemblance."

A random European blonde popped up from behind a vase full of pretty purple pansies. "DO I DOTH HEARETH THE WORDETH DRUGS?! MY DARLING HO-BAG… ER, HONEYBUNCHES… WAIT. HARUHI! YES. MY DARLING HARUHI CANNOT BE ANYWHERE NEAR DRUGS LEST SHE…" he slumped to the ground, drooling an elusive shade of mauve spittle.

This time Kyoya did look up from his notebook, only to cast a sideways glance at Tamaki, now snoring. "You slipped some in his tea, didn't you?"

"Yep!" they said in unison.

"Hmm."

"Hi, Hika-chan and Kao-chan, what's going on with Tama-chan?" Enter Mori, with Honey on his shoulders. The smaller of the two was looking Tamaki's way, obviously deeply disturbed by the scene.

"Oh, don't even get me started…" Haruhi sighed.

"Say, Honey-senpai, Mori-senpai, would you like some tea?" Hikaru offered two cups for the third-years.

"Thank you, Hika-chan!" Honey beamed, and jumped off Mori's shoulders to take the teacup from Hikaru. Mori also accepted his.

"WAIT SENPAI DON'T DRINK—" Haruhi stood up quickly, knocking her chair to the ground. "DRUGS—"

But it was too late. The two had already raised their cups and taken a sip—just enough LSD for their eyeballs to almost pop right out of their heads.

"PRETTY PRANICING PURPLE ALPACAS…!" grunted Mori, who immediately proceeded to take his pants off and attempt to have sexual relations with an armchair.

Honey scrunched up his face in concentration. "Gotta poop butterflies—I'm out, bitches." He then began doing cartwheels around Music Room 3.

Well, this is a fine how-do-you-do, thought Haruhi, surveying the room. The Hitachiin twins had decided to take one pill each, and were currently on the floor, romantically entangled (to put it lightly). Haruhi grimaced and looked away. At least I'm still sober. Kyoya, too, I'm sure…

But Kyoya was nowhere to be found. Also, curiously enough, the unconscious body of the Host Club President had mysteriously disappeared.

"Oh, might as well." Haruhi reached for one of the pink pills, downing it without water.

Rainbows and homosexual unicorns clouded her vision as her thoughts INSTANTLY BECAME IN ALL CAPS-LOCK.

[Inside Haruhi's head]

HARUHI IS LYING NAKED AMONGST THE PERIWINKLES CONTEMPLATING THE MEANING OF LIFE WHEN SUDDENLY AN ELUSIVE MOOSE JUMPS OUT FROM BEHIND ONE OF JUPITER'S MOONS AND STARTS EATING THE PRETTY PERIWINKLES WHICH MAKES HARUHI MAD AS FUCK SO SHE TAKES A BIG CHOMP OUT OF THE MOOSE AND IT TASTES LIKE RADIOACTIVE GLOW-IN-THE-DARK COTTON CANDY AND YAY AND THEN MUSIC STARTS PLAYING AND HARUHI FEELS LIKE DANCING SO SHE DOES AND IT IS FUN AND THE MUSIC WAS WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-DUB-DUB-DUBBY-WUB-DUB-WUB-WUB-WUBBITY-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-FUCKIN'-WUB-DUB-DUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-DUB-DUB-DUBBY-WUB-DUB-WUB-WUB-WUBBITY-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-DUB-DUB-DUBBY-WUB-DUB-WUB-WUB-WUBBITY-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-DUB-DUB-DUBBY-WUB-DUB-WUB-WUB-WUBBITY-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-DUB-DUBBA-DUBBA-DOO CUZ IT WAS DUBSTEP.

[In reality]

Haruhi ripped her clothes off and smashed the vase of pansies on the ground (say hello to another 8-million-Yen debt). She rolled around in the sad, dejected pansies and, upon spotting a nearby plush armchair, took a bite out of the very expensive mauve upholstery. The twins, who were conspiring in a corner in a drug-induced haze, saw fit to turn on the radio to a popular dubstep station. Haruhi jumped up and wiggled her tush.

-Three hours later-

Haruhi, much to her chagrin, woke up stark naked and covered in pansies and bits of purple sofa. I don't even want to know... She covered herself with a random toga and ventured out to find the other hosts, all of whom were absent from Music Room 3.

But the dubstep moose… nevermind. She shook the thought out of her head.

She found the Hitachiin brothers in a heap just outside the club room. Both were still in a deep sleep.

Most everyone was, actually. Mori and Honey certainly were—she found them at separate sides of the chorus room, under piles of music stands and copies of random Catholic hymns.

But Kyoya and Tamaki were still nowhere to be found. Haruhi hiked up her toga and made for the club prep room. Perhaps they were in there.

[Now, dear readers, if you want to keep reading, know these three things:

Yes, they were indeed in the prep room.

Upon witnessing the two, Haruhi was blinded for two days.

Nobody was ever the same again.

Do you still wish to continue? You do? Oh, good. This makes the author very happy indeed.

~Now back to your regularly scheduled program~]

Haruhi opened the door to the prep room, taken aback by some mysterious noises coming from one of the changing rooms.

"ANGH… UNGH… YEZZZZZZZZ, YEZZZZZZZZ…"

What the actual fuck?

"OOH YES, OOH YES, OH! OH! OH MAH SATAN!"

Only now did Haruhi realize the nature of these pleasured moans. And it wasn't Tamaki's voice.

"OOH YEAH BAD BOY FUCK ME HAAAAARDEEEEEEEERRRRRRR DADDY!"

Daddy? WAIT…!

She paused to vomit in the corner.

When she was finished, she pulled back the curtain to the dressing room, revealing what appeared to be Kyoya in his peak of orgasmic pleasure. And yes, he was fucking Tamaki. Or rather, Tamaki was fucking him.

"MEAAAG… OHHHHHHHH… OOOOHH… AHHHHHH… OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH—"

And then—

"SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EE!"

Haruhi blacked out.

-Six days later-

"Well, that was some bad trip we had last week, huh, guys?" Hikaru asked nervously.

The gang had refrained from any and all discussion of the events of the previous Friday night, for fear of awkwardness. Hikaru and Kaoru were the only ones brave enough to take the first step in conversation.

"Heh, heh, yeah," Kaoru laughed nervously.

Everyone was in Music Room 3 again, doing homework as they had the night of the LSD episode. Haruhi missed her dubstep moose for reasons she refused to disclose. Tamaki had finally come out of the closet. Mori and Honey had both realized their passion for musical theater. And the twins were hooked on acid.

"Oh, well," said Tamaki, trying to be as cheerful as possible. "At least there will be no more unpleasant surprises about anyone here!"

Kyoya looked up from his laptop momentarily. "I'm pregnant."

Haruhi blacked out.

-The end-