A.N: Hello, to anyone and everyone reading this. This was intended as a one-shot, but I know now that I won't be able to leave it as such. It is a personal piece, and while I normally like getting reviews, this isn't written for that purpose. See you downstairs.

He had just walked her out, with her assurances that she would contact him within the week. Not that he craved her company, but after what they had just shared, he found that he was looking forward to her company.

Physical intimacy on its own was a matter that terrified him, but he was well able to swallow his personal discomfort for the sake of others, despite what most others thought. No, it was that he'd chosen to share himself with her, body and mind. He'd shared his deepest dreams and secrets. He disliked that it was punctuated by coitus, of course, but she was his friend. She listened to him when he needed to speak, and he took her virginity because she really wanted the intimacy. It felt a little cold, but he was basking, and refused to ponder it firmly. He believed her, hugged her as best he could, and wished her well. And assured her he was looking forward to seeing her again.

XXXX

A week went by, and she had yet to initiate contact. He regretted that he would send her daily texts, or rather nightly ones, wishing her well, with a cheerful anecdote, and bidding her goodnight.

-I hope you had a pleasant day. I saw a book as I walked past the bookstore this evening. It had a smiling woman on the cover, and she appeared quite pleasing to me. She reminded me of you greatly. Goodnight - S.C

And often, she would reply similarly, though not always the same.

(: Ok. Goodnight lover.

Of course this would bother him, but he would play along, just eager to engage her in conversation.

-No hug tonight? - S.C

(: *hugs* *kisses*

-*blushes* Goodnight - S.C

In reality, he disliked speaking, or even texting, as was the case, in this manner. It seemed insincere on her part, and he felt a little silly, but he swallowed any of his misgivings and gave in. He had begun to feel like this was maybe a little too infatuated, but he was eager to have her in his life, eager to gain a friend he thought understood him so well.

But the week turned into two, into 4, and it was now 2 months past the last time he saw her, he was becoming desolate. Sure, he had other friends. Leonard was his supposed best friend, and Raj and Howard were his friends too. Not to mention his actual best friend, and confidant, most days, Penny. But Penny and Leonard had just broken up again, and they were estranged at the moment. Raj and Howard were of no help that he was expecting, and he was feeling abandoned.

The nightly texts had ceased for the most part; he had suspected she no longer welcomed them, if she ever had. She had become more distant, and after she told him they should terminate the carnal aspect of their relationship, he had been conflicted. On the one hand, he was immensely relieved. He disliked the act, even more so with her, if he were to be completely honest. But the -sex- was the only thing she seemed to want from him. And even that, she only wanted that one time.

He not only felt that he no longer had anything to reciprocate with, but she confirmed this thought with her actions too. She clinically withdrew from him, telling him she was busy with her research, and that she had a deadline coming up. He respectfully kept his distance, wishing her well. It had irked him to no small end when he thought about how all these little bits of news she had, she only threw his way after he attempted to initiate any sort of conversation. But still, he persevered.

She promised she wanted my friendship. I promised her that I would do whatever was in my power to keep her happy. I like keeping my friends happy. I shall give her the space she needs, and when she's ready and available to speak with me, I shall be happy to avail of her company, he thought. Especially considering the current situation in his close circle, Sheldon was not only feeling vulnerable, but a little bordering on desperate for a friend. It felt like his world was collapsing around him, and he knew he was grasping at straws, but he was hoping that despite how badly she was treating him, at least she would be his friend.

The next day, his world came crashing down upon him.

Amy Farah Fowler is in a relationship with Kevin Kendall

He immediately rushed to the bathroom and proceeded to vomit the contents of his stomach. As he brushed his teeth and then swirled his mouth with a vigorous dose of mouthwash, he contemplated the situation. And the more he thought about it, the more violated he felt. Tears streaming silently down his face, he showered, the scalding hot water turning his alabaster pale skin into a lobster pink. He scrubbed himself all over, washing his hair and tugging at his wet locks in desolation. Stupid, so stupid. He repeated these thoughts in his head over and over, like a punishing mantra, meant to remind him of his moments of vulnerability all over again.

He had been holed up in his room for days now. Not that Leonard even noticed, with all how he'd been pouting about his and Penny's latest, and seemingly final, break up. Raj and Penny, however, were not so blissfully unaware. Sheldon had missed Laundry night. He hadn't been over for Spaghetti and hotdogs, Penny's and his break-up comfort food. He hadn't been to the university in days, having taken an indefinite leave of absence, that Dr. Gablehauser was only too happy to accommodate.

Raj had an empty office that he couldn't face, devoid of any of the home-iness that it had when Sheldon's inane chatter filled its walls. And while Howard noticed this too, he was busy planning his honeymoon with his new bride, and regretfully could not spare much in the ways of helping out his friend.

Raj and Penny had agreed to a plan. Raj would go out with Leonard, out to a bar under the pretence of a plot to pick up women. Penny would then sneak into the apartment or simply go in, seeing as how she had no Leonard to avoid. And once Thursday rolled around, the two put the plan to action.

Raj and Leonard safely miles away at some club oozing with desperate females trying to bag a catch, and sleazy men on the prowl for a quick lay, Penny walked over to 4A and knocked gently. Knowing that Sheldon would hear if he were in the living room, and having determined that his lack of answer was due to his absence from the room, she walked in cautiously. She continued on to his room, this time pausing longer after her gentle yet firm knocks, straining to hear a response. She walked in and the sight that met her broke her heart into pieces.

There were bottles scattered around next to his bed, in a box and in a bin next to his bed. Bottles of water, she noted with relief, but concern was still high on her mind. He was slumped over in the bed, face down, or rather turned to the side for breath, she supposed. The room smelled extra sterile, like it had recently been disinfected and wiped down on every surface. Besides the clutter of bottles of water, everything else looked untouched, everything in its place.

She moved closer to him, looking for a spot on the bed she could perch on, and settled in as close as she could. Unable to help herself, she brought her hand to his head, stroking his hair gently. "Sweetie, what's wrong?"

He looked up at her, puzzled. Here she was, his best friend, the one person whom he was missing and she was here. And he knew he would be better. Not completely ok, but better. She never betrayed him, she merely got lost. But she couldn't make it all go away, because she wasn't a replacement for her, no one ever was meant to replace anyone else. It was simply that each betrayal was individual to the perpetrator, and each would hurt independently of how his other friends were around him.

Inwardly, she was horrified. He looked haunted, and, to put it bluntly, like shit. His skin was sallow, cheeks slightly sunken, and his eyes… His eyes always were simply a window into his soul, in Penny's opinion, and she normally liked that she could easily tell his emotions simply by paying attention to them, but right now, in his eyes, she could only see broken. And it broke her heart.

"Penny, what are you doing here? Is anything the matter? Why do you look so sad?" He was panicking even more now. He hated being sad, but at least it was contained to him. When his friends or loved ones were sad, it was painful for him to bear. Which was why tried to keep himself distant, normally. It was easier to be alone and suffer only the loneliness of solitude than to suffer the pain of shared sadness. But this was Penny, friend and loved one, he thought with slight surprise at the latter realisation. And by whatever powers that were, he would fix her hurt for her.

He got up, wincing at the pain. At some point over the past few days, he had developed a pain in his abdomen, and it worried him, but he was in too much pain otherwise to make much of it. Not that this escaped Penny's notice. As he reached to hug her, she rushed into his embrace as well, her tears now flowing freely. Sobbing into his shoulder, she hiccupped out an explanation, or at least tried to.

"You were gone, for days, and it was freaking us out, and we missed you, and we were selfish cos it took us so long to notice you were missing and I can't believe it took us this long to find you, and I'm so sorry Sheldon!"

Thankfully, Sheldon understood at least the sentiment, and patted her back in his awkward way, attempting to comfort her. "There, there, Sheldon's here."

"But that's just it. You are here. And we weren't. And you're so broken, and I've never known you could break like this? What happened Moonpie?"

Sheldon pursed his lips at this. "Penny, please refrain from calling me that, that is reserved for Meemaw." Penny glared at him at this, with an expression that conveyed 'That's what you're going with?' upon which he sighed and recounted the painful experience over the past few months. Penny sat in his arms, watching his face as he spoke, her mind a whirlwind of vengeful intent and shifting emotions.

"She took your virginity, Shel? That's big." She said, a little sad, inexplicably, but more impressed.

"Hardly. I have not been a virgin for years. I have simply been celibate. She was actually the second person with whom I have engaged in intercourse with." He explained dispassionately. "However, I was her first. Which seems to matter more to me than to her, if her actions following were anything to go by." And he went on to explain the events of the past week or so, detachedly explaining his descent into despair and hurt. By the end of it all, Penny was absolutely seething.

"Where is this bitch? I've got a score to settle with her." She fumed. Sheldon held her close, and plead into her shoulder.

"Please Penny, I have written her a missive, following which I have no desire to have her in my life ever again. Do not attempt to exacerbate the issue, for it will serve little more than to prolong her presence in my life."

XXXXXXXX

Don't give me words, they're nothing in the face of your actions. You complained to me about how you disliked your situation. It was my choice to go forward, and rest assured I regret that, but it was you who showed interest to begin with. Did you like him then? Or did you like him when we went to sleep that night, or tried to? Or how about the next morning, when we sat around, and I explained everything to you then? Did you like him then? Was he on your mind when I invited you over? Was he what you were thinking about when you first lost your virginity? Or when you stayed the night that second time? Each of those kisses, were they laced with thoughts of him? Why did you let any of that happen, why did you let me feel anything for you, why did you lie to me and say you felt for me, when that's you went and did?

Why did you give me false hope, and tell me we could be friends? I can't be friends with you, you've filled me with enough regret to last me a lifetime. And all I wanted was to fucking comfort you, bring you any fucking measure of happiness I could. I'm done with compassion for you. I'm done with patience for you. And thank you for showing me the foolish error of my ways. To love, is foolish. To trust, is foolish. To believe you, is one of the biggest mistakes I have made, and I will suffer, until the thought of you and what we did doesn't make me physically sick. And until then, maybe past then, I will regret you.

And I hope our paths never cross again. Because it's taking more than I know I have right now to walk away from you now.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Penny read this with a hurting heart, her hand squeezing at Sheldon's, rubbing her thumb over the back of his hand in a way intended to remind him she was here, she would be his comfort. And her heart broke, because here he was, a beautiful mind and a generous heart, feeling the way he was, reduced to this, by a harlot of a woman who refused to take consequence for her actions.

She put it down and turned to him. "Sheldon, to love is not foolish. Loving her may have been a mistake, but love is not always wrong. I know this. I love the most intelligent man in the world, and he has the biggest heart, and I know I will never be wrong for loving him."

She climbed into the bed, and settled in under the covers, and hugged Sheldon to her, comfortingly. "Sleep Sheldon. The sun will shine tomorrow, and we'll be here, and you'll move on, and be better, and be the best thing to happen to this world. Sleep."

And that he did. And he just knew, with his best friend holding him, comforting him, he would be ok. And while he would always hurt, at least a little, she would help make it not so bad.

A.N: This is basically my confessional. I have lived with this regret, and hurt, and I know, you most likely don't care, and are wondering why you read this, or why I wrote this. I did not write this for pity. I did not write it for sympathy. I wrote this for catharsis. I wrote this because I needed so badly for someone to know, at least in part, the truth, and I just couldn't not put this up. I wrote this because I was silenced by my own design, and I need to speak up, before this regret and hurt kills any hope I have at finding my happiness.

This story is based pretty closely to my own, and I tried so many things, to not feel the hurt, but the only way I could find of letting go, even remotely, is by 1. Telling the story, writing my truth. The rest, while difficult, and slow, is happening, but this was my first step. I'm just hoping that the ones that follow will take me as far as this one has.

The letter, in italics, was more so difficult to share, as they were my own words, to them, but if you're going to move on from a mistake, you have to own up to all of it.

Thank you for reading.

Kiki