Disclaimer: We only nothing but Posy the giant cat.

I wrote this with a friend who has nothing to do with the Hitler story. It starts out pretty stupid, but I promise it gets better once the invisibility pillowcase shows up.

Oh and please read it in a British accent. It will make it better.

One day Voldemort, aka Baldy, was like, "Yo, this shit is going dowwwwwwwwn." So he killed Lily and James Potter, then he was like, "Man, I should totally kill this baby!" So he was all, "Avada kedavra!" but he didn't die! "WTF?" screamed Voldy. "I'm losing my coolness, nooooooooooooo…"

10 years later…

Harry woke up in his cupboard under the stairs. "Get up!" his aunt yelled. "I wish I had parents," Harry thought.

It turned out it was Dudley's birthday. "The crazy cat lady broke her leg, so you can come to the zoo." Harry's uncle said. "The zoo the zoo the zoo!" Harry yelled. "Zoozoozoozoo!"

So when they got to the zoo, they saw a snake in a glass cage. Dudley had his nose against the glass. "Wow, I sure wish that snake would swallow my cousin whole." Harry thought. Then all of a sudden the glass disappeared.

"Blimey!" said Harry.

"Bloody hell!" said Dudley.

"You'll be in your cupboard until you find a girlfriend!" Uncle Vernon yelled. "Which will be forever!"

Eventually they let Harry out.

"Did you find me a girlfriend?" Harry asked.

"No," said Uncle Vernon, "We're running away."

"Why?"

"Because a letter came for you."

"So?"

"So I'm deathly afraid of stamps."

So they drove until finally on Harrys birthday the found a house on a rock. Then a storm started.

"We're gonna float out to sea and die!" Dudley yelled.

"We're on a rock." Harry said.

Suddenly a giant dude kicked down the door.

"Crikey!" yelled Uncle Vernon. "Who the bloody hell are you?"

"Hagrid," said the dude. "Let's go Harry."

"Why?"

"You have to go to Hogwarts."

"What?"

"No one told you? You're a wizard, Harry."

"…YOU'RE A LIAR!"

"N-n-no I'm not… oh fine, I'M A TRANSVESTITE!"

"Yeah, wait, what's that?" asked Harry.

"What?" asked Hagrid.

"So…I'm a wizkid?"

"Yeah," said Hagrid. "And we have to go to Hogwarts right away."

"How?" asked Harry.

" The Hogwarts Express."

51 minutes later, on the Hogwarts Express, Harry is sitting by himself. Then – the door opens, and a red haired speckled mug is looking down at him.

"I'm Ron." It said. "Do you have any BEANS?"

"Umm….no?" Said Harry.

"Then we must go find some!" Ron exclaimed.

"Food trolley!"

"BEANS!"

Once Ron had his beans, he sat down.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Harry Potter." said Harry.

"Blimey!"

"No…Harry, you idiot."

Just then, some girl came in.

"Have you seen a toad?" she asked.

"No. Leave us alone, you seem too smart." said Ron.

When they got to Hogwarts, they had to be sorted into four houses. Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin. For them to be sorted, they had to test their skills by facing their fears. Ron had to eat a spider.

" I-I-I don't want to." Ron said.

"You have to." said Dumbledore.

"I don't want to."

"Do it."

"I can't!"

"EAT IT."

Ron starts to cry, but eats it anyway.

"Now was that so bad?" asked Dumbledore.

"It was horrible!" said Ron. "It tastes like Dobby's socks!"

The smart girl they met on the train had to be beaten by pimps, for some reason, then it was Harry's turn. He walked up and all of a sudden Uncle Vernon appeared.

"You'll never get a girlfriend!" he yelled.

"No hway!" Harry yelled back.

"You win!" Dumbledore said.

So Harry went down and sat next to Ron.

"Do you think it's true, that I'll never get a girlfriend?" Harry asked him.

"No," said Ron. "I can set you up with my sister, she's a whore."

The next day they met a boy named Neville Longbottom, his head was stuck in a faucet.

"Wow, thanks for getting my head out of the faucet guys."

"No problem," said Ron. "What was it doing in there anyway?

"I was looking for Trevor."

"Your toad?" asked Harry.

"No, my boyfriend. I'm always losing him. I'm thinking I'll have to put a leash on him."

Ron backed away. Suddenly a guy in a turban ran by.

"Troll in the dungeon!" he screamed.

"What does that mean?" Neville asked.

"I dunno, sounds Indian." said Harry.

Suddenly they heard a girl scream. "OMG, someone's being raped!" Ron said. "And I wasn't invited!"

So they found out it was Hermione who was screaming, but she wasn't being raped, she was being eaten by a troll.

"Oh my God, Hermione!" Harry said. "You're being eaten!"

"I know!" Hermione replied. "It's painful."

"I'll stick my wand up its nose to distract him." Harry said. When Harry stuck his wand up the troll's nose, it let go of Hermione, but she was missing an arm.

"Oh my," said Ron. "You seem to have had your arm bitten off Hermione."

"Oh no," said Hermione. "Now I won't be able to flail it!"

The next day Harry had his first Quidditch game. He woke up early because he was nervous and went down to breakfast.

"HEY HARRY!" yelled Oliver Wood, the captain. "WANT SOME BACON?"

"No," said Harry, "And why are you yelling?"

"JUST FOR THE HECK OF IT!"

So then they went down to the Quidditch pitch.

"!" Harry chanted until Oliver hit him with an abnormally large strip of bacon.

The game lasted about two minutes 'cause Harry's broom went wonky and he almost swallowed the snitch, winning the game, and yeah…

For some reason when Harry woke up the next morning it was Christmas, even though it was spring before and they were playing Quidditch. Harry opened his present from Ron. It was-

"BEANS!" cried Ron.

Then he opened his present from Hermione. It was a prosarrythetic arm, and there was a note attached that said: 'In case you ever get your arm eaten by a troll.'

"How thoughtful." thought Harry.

"Huh," said Ron. "Do you think we should have got her one of those?"

"Nah," said Harry. "She's okay." Then Harry opened his present form Hagrid. It was-

"Fishnet stockings?" Harry and Ron said. Harry put them in his trunk. "I'll save those for your slutty sister." he said. Next Harry opened his present from… no one.

"It's a pillowcase."

"That's not just any pillowcase." said Ron. "It's an invisibility pillowcase! Put it on!" Harry put it over his head. "It works!" said Ron.

"But I can't see anything." said Harry as he fell down the stairs. "Ouch," he said. "Whoops, I fell on Neville. Sorry Neville!"

"That's alright talking air." said Neville. "Look at what Trevor got me."

"I can't see it Neville, there's a pillowcase on my head. I'm going to go explore the castle and-"

"BEANS!" cried Ron. "There are lots of beans to be found around the castle."

"Okay." said Harry. "But we should also see if we can find a mirror of some sort, to see if I look as stupid as I feel with this pillowcase on my head."

"Okay, but I need to fit in the pillowcase too, since it's randomly night now and we're not allowed out." said Ron.

So they walked around the castle until they found a big mirror. They took off the pillowcase and Harry looked in the mirror.

"Holy crap!" he yelled. "There's a couple of child rapists behind me!"

"N-n-no, there isn't." Ron, who was behind him, said.

"Blimey," Harry said. "They look just like me."

"No, no." said Ron. "It's just me, and I look… cool. I look like that guy from… 'Grease'. Yeah, 'Grease'."

"I think it's my parents." said Harry.

"No, it's me!" said Ron.

"Me!" said Harry. Then they got into a slap fight.

"Ladies, please." said Dumbledore. Harry and Ron stopped.

"What are you doing here?" Ron asked.

"Not spying on defenseless young boys, that's for sure." said Dumbledore.

"Yo, Dumbledore, what can you tell us about this freaky mirror?" Harry asked.

"Well, it shows you how you aren't." he said. "Ron, in real life you're a loser, so the mirror makes you look cool."

"Oh…" said Ron.

"And Harry," said Dumbledore, "In real life you're a poor little orphan boy, and the mirror shows you with parents."

"Oh…" said Harry. "What's the point of the mirror then, if what you see isn't real?"

"The point is… look over there!" said Dumbledore. Harry and Ron looked, and heard running and a door closing.

"Whaaaat….is it?" asked Ron.

"I dunno, but I don't think we should stop looking, Dumbledore told us to."

So they continued looking all night. Finally Ron turned around.

"Hey! He's gone!"

So they went back to the dormitory.

"Where were you?" asked Hermione.

"Umm…looking at…stuff." said Ron.

"Oh, well Hagrid sent a note up, he said he had something awesome to show us."

"Let's go!" said Harry.

When they went down to Hagrids, they could hardly see it because of the giant egg in front of his house.

"WOAH." they said.

"Hagrid, is that a dragon egg?" asked Hermione.

"Now why the bloody hell would it be a dragon egg?" Hagrid said. "It's a cat egg."

"Um, Hagrid, cats don't lay eggs."

"Soon it will hatch, and be a giant cat named Posy." said Hagrid. "Anyhoo, ya'll have detention, so we're going into the woods to look for unicorns."

"Pretty!" said Ron. "I mean….gross."

They all go into the woods, and Harry sees Voldemort.

"It's VOLDY. RUN!" screamed Harry.

"Let's blow this popsicle stand!" yelled Ron.

They next day was the start of exams. Everybody failed all of them except Hermione. They decided to celebrate by going to sit under a tree. The tree took one of its branches and hit Ron in the groin.

"OW MY WEINER." cried Ron.

"Oh no," said Hermione. "This is the Whomping Willow."

"I feel like this will be relevant at some point." said Harry. "Oh well, let's go."

So they found another tree that was less violent. "Listen, I've been thinking," said Hermione as they sat under the tree.

"OH GOD." said Ron. "YOU'RE ALWAYS THINKING. PLEASE TELL YOUR BRAIN TO SHUT UP."

"No, I`ve been thinking about where Hagrid got that cat egg. We should go ask him. Let`s go down to his hut."

"No need." said Harry, pointing. Hagrid was across the courtyard riverdancing. "C'mon."

So they went to Hagrid and asked him where he could have got the egg.

"Some sketchy guy in a cloak gave it to me, why? I completely trust sketchy guys in cloaks; in fact, they're the only people I trust. I DON'T TRUST YOU, I CAN SEE YOUR FACES!"

So the trio pulled their cloaks over their heads so Hagrid would keep talking to them. "What did you give him for it?" Harry asked.

"Why can't it just have been a gift?" Hagrid roared. "Why couldn't some trustworthy stranger have given me what I wanted out of the kindness of his sketchy heart?"

"Dude…" said Harry. "Chill."

"It's cool, I just told him how to get past my giant three-headed dog Fluffy." said Hagrid.

"Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa." said Ron. "You have a giant cat and a giant dog? Are you gonna breed them?"

"That's the plan." said Hagrid. "I think they're gonna have giant fire-breathing scorpion-crab babies."

Hermione opened her mouth like she was going to point out how ridiculous this was, but then decided to just go with it.

"Well," said Harry, "We're gonna go snoop around where we have no business snooping, lata."

"Wait," yelled Hagrid. "My egg hatched! I named it Norbert, come meet him!"

"Oh hellz no!" said Hermione. "I already lost one arm in a stupid accident."

"LETS GO BACK TO THE COMMON ROOM!" yelled Harry.

"Why are you yelling?" asked Ron.

"I'M JUST SO ANGRY BECAUSE MY PARENTS ARE DEAD, I'LL NEVER GET A GIRLFRIEND, AND NOW I JUST FOUND OUT THAT MY BEST GIANT FRIEND LIKES TO BREED SPECIES OF A DIFFERENT… SPECIES."

"Hey now," said Ron. "Yeah, your parents are dead, but I'm pretty sure mine like you better than they like me. And as for you never getting a girlfriend- slutty sister? Yeah, you'll be stuffing pounds down her G-string someday, and I'm sure there is an Asian girl that speaks with an Irish accent just waiting out there to give you your first kiss. And I mean Hagrids old. Really old. Like he is like what, sixty something now? By the time your children come around to have tea with him, he'll be at least 87, they will probably have to feed it to him through a tube. So chin up, Harry."

"You're a good friend Ron." said Harry.

"I know. That mirror was totally lying, I'm awesome." Ron said.

"Totally awesome." Harry agreed. Then he walked into a door. "What the what?" he cried.

"This is the forbidden third floor corridor!" said Hermione. "I don't know how I knew it was forbidden, but it is."

"Not for me, I'm Harry Potter." said Harry. He tried the door, but it was locked. "You stupid door, don't you know who I am?"

"Alohomora." said Hermione.

"SHUT UP!"

So then they went inside and saw Fluffy.

"Aw shit!" exclaimed Ron. "Hagrid never told us how to get past this mofo!"

"I have an idea!" said Harry. "Fetch!"

Then he pulled out the prosthetic arm Hermione had given him and chucked it. Fluffy ran after it.

"That was brilliant, Harry!" said Ron.

"I can't think of any better use of my gift!" said Hermione.

"What now?" asked Harry.

"Well, there's a trapdoor." said Hermione, pointing.

"Neato." said Ron. "Let's go!"

Nobody moved.

"Well, I'm Harry Potter, I can't go first."

"And I'm Harry Potters speckled ginger bestie!" said Ron.

"I've already lost an arm!" Hermione exclaimed.

"So maybe you should lose a leg too, even you out a little." said Harry.

"But I'm a girl! I shouldn't have to go first!"

"OMG, Hermione!" said Ron. "There's a book down this trapdoor and it's in trouble!"

"I'm not that stupid Ron." said Hermione. "I'm not falling for that."

"It's a book on how to be less repulsive."

"No way!" said Hermione, jumping down the shaft.

"What do you see?" asked Harry.

"This isn't a book on how to be less repulsive; it's a book about thrusting cows!"

"Ooh, keep that!" yelled Ron as he also jumped down the shaft.

"Okay," said Harry. "Now you two make a sort or landing pad with your bodies, so Harry Potter doesn't get hurt."

When Harry jumped, he landed on something long and spiky. "Ow!" said Harry. "What happened to my landing pad?"

"Oh," said Ron. "I thought you said handsome Chad."

"No such thing, Chad's a stupid name." said Harry.

Just then Hermione screamed. "Hermione, what's wrong?" yelled Ron. "Did you find a mirror?"

"No! We've landed on Devil's Snare!"

"Oh no! How do we get out of it? Also, Holy crap, it's grabbing me!" said Harry.

"I don't know!" cried Hermione. "The only thing I remember from Herbology is Angel's Timpani."

"That's clever, but useless." said Ron.

"Oh no!" said Harry. "What will Harry Potter and his sidekicks do?"

"Plan B." said Hermione, and she pulled out her decomposing and partially devoured arm and beat the Devil's Snare away.

"Eeeeew, you carry that around with you?" Ron asked.

"Hey, I freed you, douche. Leave me unwillingness to get rid of my arm out of this."

So they got up and started walking. Soon they came to a room full of birds. Only they weren't really birds, they were-

"Butterflies!" yelled Ron gleefully.

"No, they're flying keys!" said Harry.

"Yes, because that makes way more sense." said Hermione. "So what do we do?"

"Harry Potter, best seeker ever, must catch the key to open the door to the next room." said Harry.

"Or he would, if the door weren't already open." said Ron.

"SHUT UP! You're just bitter because you're a terrible keeper!"

"YOU DON'T KNOW THAT YET!"

They went on through the door.

"Wow, what is it?" asked Hermione.

"It's… a ping pong table." said Harry.

"Well, what do we do?" inquired Hermione.

"Isn't it obvious?" said Ron. "We have to be the ping pong balls!"

"Wait, what?" said Hermione.

"Okay, Hermione," said Ron, "You be the human ping pong ball, and me and Harry will join together and be the paddle."

"No!" said Hermione.

"DEAL!" said Harry, and he whacked Hermione across the room with the power of a magnificent thrust. The other side whacked her back.

"I got it!" yelled Ron. He sent her soaring back through the air and it went on like this for a good three hours.

"We won!" yelled Ron, as Hermione crashed down on the opponent's side.

"Decent!" yelled Harry. They went over to Hermione, who was unconscious on the floor. `Hermione, get up, we have to go through the next door." Harry said. Hermione didn't move.

"Lazy bitch!" said Ron. "Okay, let's carry her." he said, putting her over his shoulders in a fireman's carry. "Onward!"

Through the next door was a huge troll that was bigger than the one they fought before.

"Oh no, how do we get past him?" asked Harry.

"Same way as before!" said Ron, using Hermione as a human shield. The troll tore off Hermione's remaining limbs, but at least that caused her to come to.

"OW!" yelled Hermione.

"SHUT UP WOMAN!" yelled Ron. "Run Harry!" Harry ran behind Ron and they both made it to the other side. "Through the next door!" said Ron, dragging Hermione behind him.

The next room had seven bottles of liquid in it, and when they walked in the doorways in and out burst into flames. Ignoring this, Harry picked up a piece of parchment from the floor.

"What does it say?" asked Ron. Harry read it out loud:

"Yo, yo, yo, this shit is going down.

If you wanna move forward, don't be a clown.

One of these here bottles will haul yo' ass back,

One will take you forward, a-wiggedy-wack.

Two will get you crazy ass drunk,

And three will keeeell you.

But it ain't all bad, Imma give you some clues.

Pay attention now, so ya'll don't get confused.

The ones on the ends are different, yo,

But won't get you where you want to go.

The poison always hangs out by the alcohol,

Usually on the left, just like my Uncle Sol.

The second on each end are the same.

Now we're almost to the end of this little rap game.

Here comes the final clue now, bruh-

The midget and the giant ain't gonna kill ya."

"What the fuck?" said Harry. "How do I get through?"

"Drink that one." said Hermione.

"Which one?"

"Oh, sorry, I was pointing with my missing limb. WHICH IS ALL OF THEM!"

"Bitch, stop whining and tell me."

"The little one." Hermione sighed.

"Hmmm. There's only enough for me, Harry Potter. Lata, fools." Harry said, as he drank the potion and ran through the fire.

In the next room was-

"Hey! Guy in the turban! I've seen you run by!"

"I've been your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher all year, Harry." said the guy in the turban.

"No way!"

"Yup." said the guy in the turban.

"Hmm. Well, I haven't really been to class all year, that's probably why I failed all my exams." said Harry. "But anyway, what are you doing down here? Me, my ginger bestie, and my limbless friend just sort of stumbled across this door and have just kind of been going through these doors even though we've been risking our lives this whole time, and we've never really established why we've kept going."

While Harry was rambling on, the guy in the turban was unravelling his turban.

"Oh, you're just a guy now." said Harry.

"A GUY WITH ANOTHER GUY STICKING OUT THE BACK OF HIS HEAD!" said the guy with another guy sticking out the back of his head.

"WTF?" said Harry.

"That's right!" said the guy with another guy sticking out the back of his head. "Now, come look in this mirror, and tell me what you see."

Harry realized that the super cool mirror was behind him. He went to look at it.

"What do you see?" asked the guy with another guy sticking out the back of his head.

"I see me doing Ron's slutty sister." said Harry.

"LIES!" bellowed the guy on the back of the guy with another guy sticking out the back of his head's head.

"So who's this guy sticking out the back of your head?" Harry asked.

"It is I!" proclaimed the other guy.

"Wow, that helped." said Harry.

"You didn't let me finish!" the other guy yelled. "I was saying, it is I! Lord Voldemort!"

"Who?"

"I killed your parents!"

"YOU BASTARD!"

"I also gave you that funky fresh head wound."

"Well… thanks, it is pretty radical."

"I know. But anyhoo, I'm going to kill you now." The guy with another guy sticking out the back of his head ran over to Harry and tried to grab him, but as soon as they touched the guy with another guy sticking out the back of his head got a flaming rash all over his face.

"Eeew, herpes!" Harry yelled. As he was fleeing from the herpes guy, he happened to glance in the lying mirror. Then he felt something fall into his pocket. "Something has descended in my pants!" Harry yelled.

"That's what she said!" said the guy with another guy sticking out the back of his head as he walked into a wall.

"He's got the stone!" yelled Voldemort.

"I'm not high!" Harry said. Just then he tripped and knocked himself unconscious on the stairs. His last thought was: 'Why couldn't this have happened to Hermione?'

Harry woke up a couple of days later in the hospital wing.

"Harry, you're alive!" yelled Dumbledore, who was standing next to the bed.

"Yes, but not deaf." said Harry. "How long have you been there?"

"A few hours, but only because I'm concerned for a student, not because I'm sketchy or anything."

"So Dumbles, what went down?"

"Well, perhaps I should have mentioned this at the beginning of the year, but this Voldemort character wants you dead."

"Why?"

"I…can't tell you." Dumbledore said. "What I can tell you is that when your mom died, it did some weird thing that prevents Voldemort from being able to touch you, which is why turban guy got all icky when he grabbed you."

"Does that mean I'm invincible?" Harry asked excitedly.

"No," said Dumbledore. "It just means your mom loved you."

"Oh." said Harry. "Lame!" Just then he remembered something. "Wait. Something fell into my pants when I looked in the mirror. What was it?"

"Ah, Harry, 'tis a part of growing up…" Dumbledore began.

"In my pocket?" Harry asked worriedly.

"Oh, that." said Dumbledore, looking relieved. "Give it to me, Harry, please, the last time I came near a student's pants there was a lawsuit."

Harry reached into his pocket and pulled out a red crystal. "What is it?" he asked.

"It's the Sorcerer's Stone," said Dumbledore, waving his fingers spookily. "The second most fabulous stone in the world."

"What does it do?"

"It just sits there being sparkly and fabulous. And also it restores missing body parts."

"That would be cool if I knew anyone who needed it." said Harry. Just then Ron walked in carrying Hermione.

"Hiya, Harry!"

"Ron!" Harry cried. "Boy, I sure missed your speckled gingerness. Oh, hi Hermione."

"Hi," she said. "I'd wave if I wasn't a quadruple amputee."

"OH. EM. GEE." said Ron. "WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT THAT ALREADY?"

"Yeah, shut up." said Dumbledore, and he threw the Sorcerer's Stone at her. It hit her in the forehead. Suddenly there was a 'Pop!' and all Hermione's limbs reappeared.

"My limbs!" she screamed. "I missed you guys!"

"NIPPLES!" screamed a voice.

"What the hell was that?" Harry asked.

"I think it came from over there." said Hermione, pointing with her freshly grown limbs.

"Where?" said Harry.

"The stone." replied Hermione.

"That's absurd." said Ron.

"You're absurd!" yelled the stone.

"The stone…talks?" asked Harry.

"That's new." said Dumbledore.

"Neato." said Ron.

"Shut your God-forsaken ugly speckled mug!" yelled the stone.

"Ouch." said Ron.

"Your sister is a whore and you're a pussy!" it screamed.

"Hey," said Ron. "Only one of those things is true."

"It's all true! And what's more, you dress like a poor boy!"

"Make it stop!" Ron whimpered.

"YOU'LL NEVER BE AS COOL AS HARRY POTTER!" the stone bellowed.

Ron ran from the room sobbing.

"Well…" said Hermione. "I'm off to enjoy my limbs. Bye!"

"Yes, I should be going too." said Dumbledore. "I have to destroy this stone, fabulous though it may be." He picked it up and put it in his pocket as he moved towards the door.

"Yo Dumbles, Harry Potter has a question." said Harry.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" said Dumbledore.

"What's the first most fabulous stone in the world?"

"The Blarney Stone."

"Why?"

"Are you kidding? Do you know how much action that thing gets?"

Anyhoo, Harry went to the end of term feast.

"Okay, so house points." said Dumbledore. "We haven't actually given any out that I remember, so I'll give some out now. Neville, since you have an awesome boyfriend, ten points to Gryffindor. Gryffindor wins."

"Huzzah!" yelled Gryffindor.

So they ate their feast of nachos, beef jerky, whole pumpkins and Smokey mountain gourmet dips, then got on the Hogwarts Express to go home.

"I really hope my aunt and uncle bought me an Xbox while I was away." said Harry.

"And I hope I finally have my own bed." said Ron.

"And I hope we'll all be friends forever." said Hermione.

"Oh my God, shut up!" Ron said.

When they got off the train, Mrs. Weasley was waiting for them.

"Wow, Ron, your mom's a MILF." said Harry.

"Did any of our dreams come true while we were away?" asked Ron.

"No," said Mrs. Weasley. "If anything, more have been crushed.

"Oh…shit."

When they ran through the barrier, the Dursleys were there.

"Where's my Xbox?" Harry asked.

"With your parents." they answered.

The End