All Colors And Lights, a victorious fanfic

Disclamer: If Victorious was my show, it would likely be cancelled by now. Or at the very least put on a different channel and given a different rating. But it's not my show. So there. I also don't own the songs whose lyrics are used. Myah!

Author's Note: This is my first ever fanfic, and I'm not entirely sure why I decided to write it, other than for some reason I wound up looking through this site a bit when I was bored on my phone and ended up reading a number of awesome fics. Most of them have been Cat-centric since she's my favorite, though almost all of them so far have been absolutely heartbreaking, to the point of nearly having me in tears by the time I'm done reading them. Hopefully that doesn't happen to anyone who reads this, but hey, I don't really expect anyone to read this anyway. I just had a couple of hours to burn and this all popped into my head.

You won't find a ton of purple prose in here, but that's intentional. It's all through Cat's POV, and I decided to keep her thoughts simple and fairly to the point, well, as much to the point as you can get with a character who's defining trait seems to be her spontaneous oddball tangents (as well as enormous, gigantic, overwhelming cuteness). But still. Hope y'all like it.

Part One "I Found It!"

I'm going to sing it. I have to. It's not what they expect from me, it isn't bright & cheery, but it's how I feel. It's so perfect. She says in just a few lines what I think every day. It's not that I don't like singing songs about being happy & having fun; I so do! Really, I do! There's times when I'm up there on the stage, dancing, singing my heart out, and I can see all my friends watching me, smiles on their faces, knowing that I'm doing something to put those smiles there. That's almost like my job; Tori even told me so!

We were at lunch, and I wasn't saying anything, I was just thinking about... well, I don't remember what I was thinking about then, how could I? But I guess I didn't have the friendliest look on my face, 'cause Andre nudged me in the arm with his shoulder and said "What's'a matter, Lil' Red? Why so down today?" "Oh! Hi Andre!" I squeeked out. "Cat" he said, rolling his eyes just a bit "I've been here this whole time. Heck, I was sitting at the table already when you came up and sat too. You seriously didn't notice I was here 'til now?" he laughed to himself a little. "What? No! Well, I mean, yeah. But it wasn't your fault, I'm just... thinking. I don't know, I don't feel that good today, maybe I need to go to the nurse." Tori sighed, not in that annoyed kind of way Jade does a lot, but like she thought what I'd just said was funny. I don't really know why, though. She looked at me with that warm smile and patted me on the shoulder "Aw, Cat. You can't feel bad. If you're not in a good mood, what hope is there for the rest of us?" They all give a short laugh, except for Jade, she's poking at her lunch with a fork and trying to act like she's not paying attention. Oh, and Rex. He's just kind of sitting there.

I have to stop myself from blurting out 'What's that supposed to mean!' 'cause I know I do that a lot, and really I don't mean to, it's just sometimes it takes me an extra second or two to decide their intent. I don't stop myself quick enough most of the time, though. Instead I go back to thinking, this time about what Tori said. Was it true? Does it mean I have to be happy for them to be happy? That doesn't seem very fair! Why should it be up to me to keep everyone's spirits up? Not that if it was my responsibility to that I wouldn't do my best. I always do my best, or at least I try to. And they're my friends, they should be happy. It's not like there are too many other people besides them who are willing to put up with me. Other kids at our school think I'm some kind of nutcase, just because I'm not all woe-is-me all the time. What is a nutcase, anyway? I mean, who has a case for the sole purpose of storing nuts? I guess a squirrel or something could find good use for it, but the average person? I doubt that. I laugh to myself. And what about basket case? Isn't that such a weird term? I mean baskets are for holding things, and cases are for holding things. So wouldn't a basket case be something that holds something that holds something else? Whoa, that kind of made me dizzy. What was I even thinking about? "Hey, what was I just thinking about, you guys?" I say as I look up. Oh. I let out a sigh. I'm in my room. I thought I was still at school, having lunch with my friends. No, I was just thinking about them and got caught up. It's like my thoughts become an entire world around me, one I can look around in and feel until reality comes rushing back to me. I daydream and just get stuck in there. That happens so much.

Aside from thinking I'm crazy, people assume I'm stupid. Well, when you assume you make a... butt out of you and me. I'm not gonna say that word, even to myself. It's not nice. I'm not stupid, though. It's so frustrating that I can do so well in so many of my classes, keep good grades; in most classes better than a lot of my friends even, and they'll still look at me like I'm an idiot. A lot of times they don't even try to hide that it's how they think of me, I guess 'cause they think I wouldn't catch onto it. I do, though.

But, they're still my friends, and they're still there for me, for the most part. Other people, though, not so much. My parents love me, they tell me so. But they seem tired now, not like when I was a little girl. These days I have to ask them if they love me before they'll say it. I don't know, I guess they just forget to sometimes. But that's it, friends and family. That should be all I need, right? I'd be greedy if I didn't feel that was enough. But it isn't. I want more. I want to feel the kind of love from another person that I know I can feel for them. I want to be in love. Real love. The kind that feels right. Lots of boys seem to like me, but it's never real. It's never more than like. It's never love. And really, none of them seem to really like me even. They think because I'm so quick to smile at them, that it means I want them. I can't help it that I'm just as quick to touch. Nothing bad. Just holding onto their arm, or running my finger in a little circle in their palm, they think it means I want them to touch me back. I guess maybe I do, but not in the way that they try to. I want to hold hands, whisper to each other, maybe kiss a little. There's always this point where they change. Suddenly they're not okay with just holding hands. They think 'cause I touch them at all, that it means I want them all over me. Lately, I don't even bother. Why let a boy get so close, get my hopes up, and then change like that again? Getting all sweaty, trying to reach up my skirt, saying they want to... I don't even want to think about it. I just want someone to take the love I give them and reflect it right back at me. I'm so tired of having no one that I can stop pretending with, even for a moment. I want my friends to be happy, and I'll keep on smiling and laughing for them if that's what it takes. But don't I deserve a break? Don't I deserve a guy who'll let me be me, happy, sad, everything? Just me. And when I'm in those sad moments, that's exactly what I have, just me.

This brings me back to the song. Wow, how long was that train of thought? I was just trying to pick out a song for the next student showcase and there I go again, thoughts running away from me in a dozen different directions, all of them teasing me to chase. And I did. I laugh to myself before the loneliness creeps back in. That's right, the song. It was so perfect! Like she was singing my thoughts right to me through my headphones. I flip open my laptop and look up the lyrics. I'm definitely choosing this one. Maybe they'll see how much I mean it when I get up there and let these words out. They'll know I need someone, that I can't keep living in my own head all the time. That I want someone. If they're in that audience and they hear me, they'll know, and they'll come to me. He'll be handsome and sweet, he'll tell me he feels the same and I won't have to keep pretending. I don't wanna be by myself anymore.

Part Two "Make Them Feel"

I love watching Tori perform. She can get a little nervous before she goes on stage, but once she's up there and doing her thing, it's obvious that she's happy, that she's doing what she wants. Sometimes it takes everything I have not to run up in the middle of her songs and hug her and tell her that she really does shine. It's hard to believe that, even though it didn't last, she doubted that she had what it takes to be here at Hollywood Arts. I always have such a good time when I watch her, my heart races and I can't help but get all giddy when she looks at me. She always does. Every time she gets up there and performs she makes sure to take a second and give me a look, almost like she's singing right to me. Maybe a wink, or her smile will brighten just a bit more and there I am, my hands shooting up to my cheeks feeling them heat up as I blush, letting out a little yelp of happiness and a giggle that I just can't hold in, because she's my friend, and I can feel her excitement and how much she loves being up there. That she would spend even those split seconds ackowledging me during her moment just makes me... I don't even know. I just get so happy! During those quick glances and smiles, she makes me shine. I forget about being nervous about my own performance later and it's replaced with warmth, all colors and lights. She's singing "California Gurls" by Katy Perry, and it makes me think even more how it's like she's singing to me. I'm a girl and I'm in California, aren't I? I laugh to myself.

I can't help it, I get up and start dancing in front of my seat. I hear a couple of people laughing but I don't care, this is just too much fun. And, really, it's their loss. I bet they wish they could get up and dance too. Then I see that Tori's barely holding back a laugh of her own seeing me dance. It doesn't feel mean the way the other laughs did, I can tell it's making her happy. She finishes the song with the cutest wink right at me, or I think she did, maybe I just imagined it, and I hop up and down clapping and cheering for her. She's so awesome. Tori and the her dancers make their way off stage as Sikowitz walks out to continue hosting duties and spends far too long adjusting the mic stand. "Well now... uh, everyone, that was a, uh... song and dance routine! By... uh" he fumbles around in his pocket and pulls out a slip of paper "Ah, yes. Tori Vega." Backstage, Tori groans loud enough that I can hear it all the way out here and it makes me laugh. Sikowitz continues to stand at the mic for an uncomfortable amount of time before remembering that he's the host. "Oh! Uh, yes! Ha. Next up is an original piece by Jade West entitled... now let's see..." he looks back at the slip of paper "Oh, yes here it is! An original piece entitled 'Love Is A Four Letter Word' now how exciting. Right... Now, if you'll all excuse me I need to go take my weekly dirt bath. Enjoy!" He bolts out of the theater and I make my way backstage to get ready, I'm up after Jade. I change as quick as I can and rush back to watch the end of her performance.

I don't get it. The entire theater's dark except for a red spotlight on Jade, who's sitting on what looks like a throne made of garbage. There's a large man with lots and lots of tattoos and an electric guitar but he doesn't seem to even be trying to play any chords, he's just banging out distortion so loud that it's like the buzz of chainsaws. This goes on for a few minutes until Jade opens a phone book and starts reading from it, just names and numbers. What? Jade is so weird, she calls this "Love Is A Four Letter Word" but there's nothing loving about this at all. But I'm sure she worked really hard on it, so I smile anyway and try to wave to her but she's so focused that she doesn't notice me. After a few pages Sikowitz comes running across the stage, completely filthy, screaming at the top of his lungs "There were ants in the dirt! Why didn't I think this through! Ahhhhhhh!" and slams into Jade's weird garbage throne, knocking her over. She yells out some really really bad words and stomps off backstage, pushing me out of the way. I follow behind her. "Jade. Hey, Jade! Jade!" She stops and glares at me, "What do you want, Cat?" making sure to stress each and every syllable. "Well" I say "I don't really get what that was supposed to mean. How does that have anything to do with love?" and look at her, trying to smile, hoping it will cheer her up some. "Cat, it's art. Art doesn't have to make sense." Jade's smart so I take her word for it, but then I can't help myself "Ew, Jade. You've got some of Sikowitz's dirt on you, you're covered in-" the glare she was giving me gets more intense, and I don't know how she does it but I can tell what she's going to say. "I know, Jade. Never speak of it." She gives a nod, and even though she's obviously mad, wishes me good luck. I start to feel a little better, and prepare to go out for my song. Jade shoves Sinjin down on her way out. He wasn't even really in her way. She's so funny sometimes. Poor Sinjin. Before I can help him up, the school counselor Lane begins speaking to the audience "Okay, well, for obvious reasons, Mr. Sikowitz will not be joining us as host for the rest of tonight's program. I'm sure you're all devistated." a couple of half-hearted laughs, I don't get why they're laughing, he was covered in ants! That's so mean! "Anyway" he continues, "up next we have Catarina" just Cat please "Valentine singing Beyonce's 'Scared Of Lonely' so give her a round of applause while the janitor and I clear the stage of debris from that last performance."

I walk out onto the stage and there's that rush. It's quickly brought back down when I remember what I'm here to accomplish, but I look out in the crowd and see my friends, minus of course Jade, and Beck, who I guess went to calm her down. Andre's smile is so genuine, and he yells out "Get 'em, Red!" and I shake my head and giggle. Robbie has Rex's left arm in his hand, helping him wave to me. Ugh, I really hope Rex doesn't make fun of my singing again when this is done. I look for Tori but, where's Tori? Oh, my God. Did she not want to stay? She couldn't have been that irritated by Sikowitz forgetting her name, could she? Where is she? I hear her from the side of the stage "I know you're gonna kill it, Cat! Woo!" she holds up her phone to record. Oh, thank God. She stayed for me! And there it is again. All colors and lights. Hey, isn't that the janitor who gave me and a few other girls those chocolate mops? That was so nice of him, I wond-... I have to focus. I wave to Tori and smile, then wait for the last of the garbage and dirt to be pulled off stage before looking to Sinjin, nodding to let him know to play the music, I take a deep breath. They have to know. They're my friends. They'll understand this. They have to. The music starts up, I face the audience and close my eyes.

I'm in this fight
And I'm swinging
And my arms are getting tired

I'm trying to beat this emptiness
But I'm running out of time

I'm sinking in the sand
And I can barely stand

I'm lost In this dream
I need you to hold me

I'm scared of lonely

I try to be patient
But I'm hurting deep inside
And I can't keep waiting
I need comfort late at night

And I can't find my way
Won't you lead me home

I'm lost In this dream
I need you to hold me

As I sing I barely, just barely, open my eyes back up and look to my friends and they're... smiling? No! Can't they hear the hurt in my voice? Aren't they listening to the words? How can they smile? Oh, God! I need them to feel this, please! Please! I close my eyes again, lift my hands up to my heart and give in as the strings begin to swell, making my voice boom out of me, desperate that any of them will feel what I feel.

I'm scared of lonely
And I'm scared of being the only shadow I see along the wall
And I'm scared the only heartbeat I hear beating is my own
And I'm scared of being alone
I can't seem to breathe

When I am lost
In this dream
I need you to hold me

I'm scared of lonely

It all becomes a blur. I sing and sing. Please feel it. Please! Every molecule of air in my lungs goes into my voice. I don't open my eyes back up until the song is done, and I feel like I'm shaking, but I look down at my hands and they're still. My insides feel like they're falling apart and that I'm going to be sick, but I smile. Keep smiling. They are, so I should too. Andre's standing up clapping, Robbie has a huge grin on his face and Rex even seems to be nodding in approval, Beck's returned and he's with Jade; they're in the back of the theater. He's clapping and nodding, and Jade seems to be smiling a little. Usually seeing Jade smile is enough to make me fill with energy and be happy enough for the entire world. But that's not what I wanted. They're all happy, and here I am on the stage putting everything I have into not collapsing to my knees and crying into my hands. Please! One of you! Please! Please!

Lane comes on stage and taps me on the arm to let me know I need to get off for the next act. "You've got some voice, girl! Nice going." I thank him, but I just want out of here now. I turn, and walk off, waving to my friends, but as soon as I'm past the curtain my head is down and I'm hurrying to get somewhere by myself. Then I run right into Tori. "Oh, my God! Are you okay?" she says as she wraps her arms around me and squeezes. I was so busy looking into the audience after my song to remember that Tori was only a few feet away recording me, and... Wait. She asked if I'm okay. She asked if I'm okay! I look up into her eyes, and I can't decide if I want to cry or laugh, I think someone understands. "Let's get you outta here, okay?" she says as she looks into my eyes, "I gotcha, Cat. C'mon." I grab onto her arm and walk with her "Kaykay." All colors and lights. Please don't disappoint me.

Part Three "Best Friend"

Tori's on her phone arguing with Trina as we step out into the parking lot. "Just get Andre to drive you home, I need to use the car." I can't tell exactly what Trina's saying on the other end, but it doesn't sound too nice. Tori ends the call and turns off her phone, "There, much better. Come on, let's go somewhere we can talk. Don't worry about Trina, she left me at the mall a couple weeks ago and I've been meaning to get her back anyway." she says with a mischevious look. I love that. Even with how bad I feel, I give out a laugh. We get in the car, and as she drives neither of us says anything at first. I watch the strips of streetlight move across the dashboard and get caught up in their rythm. She pulls into a drive-thru and finally speaks. "I think I might know a way to cheer you up." Her smile sends a wave of comfort through my body, I already know where she's going with this but I play along anyway, I can't help it "What?" She pokes my side with her fingertips, tickling me a little and laughing "I think a certain Kitty Cat needs a little treat." I'm loving it. Not even the part where I'm gonna get a treat, but just having Tori be playful with me. I've been so stressed, I just need things like this to remind me why I usually keep my smile. "So, what flavor you want?" she asks, "Um... I dunno" I reply, "you pick!" It's not really true, not that I'm wanting to lie, I just wanna see if she knows me well enough to pick a flavor I'll like. I think I want blueberry. "Okay, fine. Silly..." she laughs as she presses the button on the drive-thru speaker.

"What d'ya want?" a weird voice asks, or almost demands through the speaker. Tori and I both look at each other and shake a little as we hold in our laughter. "Uh, well, if I might be so bold, sir" she's so funny "would you be ever so kind as to provide us with a couple of ice cream based beverages?" She adds some extra emphasis on the words ice cream, knowing it gets a little rise out of me. I have ice cream all the time, and somehow, I still get all worked up when I know it's coming. I laugh to myself and Tori pokes my side again, giving a little wink. All colors and lights. "Wow, lady, that's real funny you mockin' me & everythin', how 'bout you give me the order and we get this over with, eh?" Jeez, what is this guy's deal? Tori's still laughing, I guess it doesn't bother her as much. She leans over and pushes in the button again "Okay, uh, I'll have a medium blueberry shake" Ohmygod she knew! "and, uh, hold on." She looks over at me "Lemme guess." What? What's she mean? "You want a..." Oh, the blueberry one was for her. Well, let's see what she picks for me. "...chocolate fudge?" Hm, well it's not blueberry but I do love chocolate fudge. I guess that means she does know me, at least as far as shakes. What am I even thinking about? Is it really that big a deal if she knows exactly what kinda shake I want? "Ooh! Wait, no! Scratch that last one!" Tori suddenly exclaims "Instead of the chocolate fudge, make that a" please pick a good one please pick a good one "birthday cake shake." What? Wait, they have birthday cake flavored shakes? Since when! That sounds amazing! Oh, my God, she nailed it! She picked a flavor I didn't even know I want and it's perfect! All colors and lights. Tori can barely keep herself from busting out laughing seeing how excited I am, I realize she could have chosen any flavor on the menu and I'd have been happy with it. "Tori" she looks over at me again "you're my best friend." I grab her hand and look at her with all my admiration. She bites her lip a little and just pulls the car around to get our treats. She didn't say anything back, but she's still holding onto my hand and it's all I could ask for.

Part Four "Something About Certain Songs"

Why aren't I telling her? This is what I wanted, right? Someone to listen to me and let me tell them what's wrong. And here she is. I'm even lucky enough for it to be my best friend; imagine having to do this with someone else. Yikes. So why am I just looking out the window, watching the city roll by, nursing my shake? This is my chance, why aren't I saying anything? God, why does my mind have to work like this? I bet Tori doesn't have these kinds of problems. I look over at her. Again I'm caught up watching the strips of streelight, only this time it's them going across her face. She's focused on the road, she must still be trying to get good at driving 'cause I can see how tight her hands are gripping the wheel. I guess she does get nervous about things. Not the same things I do, but she's not perfect and I like that. Why do I feel like she's perfect, though, if I know she's not?

At a light, she finally loosens her grip and looks over at me and blushes. What happened? Oh. I guess maybe it's weirding her out that I've just been staring at her this whole time. I don't wanna scare her, she's been so cool with me tonight already so I speak up "Where are we going?" "Honestly?" she kind of bites at her lip again "I'm not sure." She laughs nervously. "I was kind of hoping you might have an idea. Do you wanna go back to your place? You think we could get some privacy there to talk?" "Well" I reply "we could, but I don't know if my brother's gonna be up still and if he is he'll probably still be working on his project. He's trying to make a Shirtzooka, and he-" she cuts me off "A whatnow?" "Oh, a Shirtzooka. You know how you go to events sometimes and theres a guy who comes out with the big gun thing that shoots out free tee shirts into the crowd? Well we went to a Lakers game and he decided he wanted one for himself 'cause his friend Big Remo, well, not really his friend, but the guy that my brother gets his special secret herbal medicine from" she laughs at that part, I wonder why, what's so funny about him buying medicine? "decided that he didn't want to sell it to my brother anymore after he caught him trying to break into his apartment. So my brother figures he can make a Shirtzooka and shoot Big Remo with it and he won't go to jail 'cause it's not a real gun, it just shoots tee shirts. But the thing is is that he-" I can tell I'm rambling now and Tori's got this confused look on her face. "Sorry, Tori. Um, let's not go to my place." "Yeah" she says "let's not."

She continues driving on and I'm starting to panic a little inside. If I don't say something soon she's gonna just drop me off at my place and go home. She wouldn't do that, though, would she? Probably not. She's too nice. But she did get me away from the showcase so we could talk about what's bothering me, and if I don't she might think I'm trying to waste her time, and I'm not. Really, I'm not! I mean, maybe I am wasting her time, but it's not intentional, I promise. God, why can't I just say it? I look over at her and start playing with my hair, I do that when I start getting nervous. I watch the streetlight glide over her face, then back down to my hair, then back to her, back to my hair... Say something! Just... anything! Don't lose her. "I... liked your song tonight." She still has her eyes on the road, but she smiles. It's a big big smile and it makes me happy that she's happy. "Your so pret-... your voice is so pretty, and" what was that? "you and your dancers were so good." She's blushing and I think I am too, I feel my cheek and sure enough "Um, why'd you pick that song?" Maybe if I ask her why she picked hers she'll ask me why I picked mine. "Oh, uh, well..." Wow, she's really blushing now, she's so cute "I just... well, heck, you've seen the inside of my locker. I love Katy Perry and that's such a fun song." Something stings in my heart. It's not that I really expected her to pick that song 'cause I'm a California girl, I laugh to myself again at that, I am a California girl, but still, it would have been so awesome if it was. "I don't know, but you seemed to enjoy it too, Cat, I saw you dancing around with your adorable little self." She laughs again at this and I'm shaking my head and grinning. "I love when you get up and dance to my songs, it makes me feel so good, did you notice that little wink I threw in at the end?" All colors and lights. "Yeah I did!" I shout out a bit too loud. I start fidgetting with my hair again.

"What about you miss red head?" she asks "Why'd you pick yours?" Here it is, I can finally say it "Oh. Well... It's a really nice song and I thought it could be a change of pace from what I usually do." What? Why did I say that? Just tell her! Tell her! Oh, God, why am I doing this to myself? Why can't I say it? "Oh, okay." I guess she bought it "You just seemed really upset when you were up there singing it-" I cut her off, not meaning to, nearly throwing my shake "Yes! I mean... well... yeah, I... kinda was." She actually takes her eyes off the road for a second to give me a worried look, then back to the road again. Wow, she seems really concerned. Isn't this what I was looking for? But now I feel all bad, I don't want Tori to be upset. "Here" she says, pulling up to a small park "there's no one here right now, let's go sit down at one of those picnic tables over there. I'm gonna run out of gas here after a while if we don't quit driving."

We head over to one of the picnic tables and she sits across from me. "Aw" she says with a little pout in her lip "I left my shake in the car. Can I have a sip of yours?" the car's right there a few feet away but alright "Sure! It's reeeal good, Tori! Thanks again for buying it for me. I coulda paid, though. I have mon-" "Cat, chill out" she says, laughing "It's okay. I wanted to get it for you. Now can I please have a sip?" "Oh, yeah! Sorry." I hand the cup over to her and watch her try it. Oh, wow. I'm watching her lips wrap around the straw and it's like my vision just zoomed in on it, it's all I can see. Her lips moving a little, her jaw working just a bit to get the shake moving up the straw. God. What is... All colors and lights, so bright this time. Ohmygod. What is this? I... "Wow, that's really good! Thanks! I'll have to pick that one next time for myself." I feel like the bench under me just fell about a hundred feet with me on it but I haven't moved a bit as she hands the cup back to me. What was that? She's looking at me now and I feel like we're all alone together. I mean, I know we kind of are, no one else is around us right now, but I mean really alone, just me and her, and she's able to look past everything. I'm naked in front of her, and... what? I look down and I'm not naked. What is this? I'm really playing with my hair now, spinning it around my right index finger, looking everywhere but at Tori. But then I do. I look up at her, she's sitting there waiting for me to say something. I take a sip of my shake and I, whoa, oh wow, that's... blueberry? I can taste... it's from her mouth... her lips were on... I can... All colors and lights. I bite the straw. Hard.

"I think you're the only person there who noticed I was sad" I have to just go for it "everyone else was smiling and clapping when I was done except for you." She gives me an understanding look "Aw, you can't blame them for that, Cat" she made a rhyme "it's hard not to be happy when any of us hear you sing. Your voice is... just, Cat..." she sighs "They just got lost in your singing. I do it a lot too." She looks down and bites her lip again, brushing a bit of hair out of her eyes. I like that they enjoy my singing but it's not what I was going for "But, Tori, wouldn't they pick up on what I was feeling? I wanted you all to feel it. I thought it would be so clear." Say something Tori "I noticed." She's looking right into my eyes. All colors and lights. I feel like I'm going to cry again, not in a sad way though. I take another sip of my shake, and I'd already forgotten... blueberry, right there on the straw. I'm not even sucking my shake up through the straw now. I'm just tasting the straw, taking in all the flavor "Do you want another sip of my shake?" She blushes, both of us have been blushing so much tonight "Yeah, can I?" Yes! "Sure, Tori." She puts that blueberry flavor right back on the straw and I can't wait for her to hand the cup back to me. She does and I immediately go for a sip of my own. I bite the straw again. Harder.

It's not even like blueberry is my favorite flavor or anything, I just chose at random back at the drive-thru. But suddenly I want everything to taste like blueberry. It's almost as good as red velvet cupcakes. Almost. "Do you think my hair would look cute if it was blue?" She gets a look on her face like she smells something bad "No. Well... yeah. I mean you'd look cute regardless of... I mean that... you... you'd look amazing with blue hair" Hm, maybe I should. "But, Cat..." "Yeah?" "Please don't. I mean it, please don't. The color you have now is so h-... so cute. I'd be sad if you changed your color. You don't wanna make me sad do you?" She gives me the same look I use to get my way and, well, it's working "No! I'd never want to make you sad, Tori!" I almost feel tears forming just at the thought.

"You don't know how great of a singer you are, do you, Cat?" she says, getting up from her bench "Here..." she comes over and sits on my side, right up against me. All colors and lights. She pulls out her phone and turns it on. There are a bunch of missed messages from Trina, I don't even wanna know what they say. "What'cha doing, Tori?" "I want to show you why everyone got caught up." She swipes at the screen a few times and pushes on the videos button and scrolls down to the newest one. Oh, yeah, she was recording me at the showcase. "Here it is. Listen." Tori presses her screen and turns her phone so the video takes up the entire display. I lean in closer to her... so I can see the video better. Right? She lets out a breath that's almost a sigh when I do. Then the image of me starts going and I'm back in that moment, I'm on stage, my hands up to my chest, my head leaned back a little, singing my heart out. But I'm focusing more on Tori's fingers around the phone. Her nails are so well done. I look at her and she's watching the video, entranced. Am I really that good? I don't know. I mean I guess I have to have at least some ability if I made it into Hollywood Arts to begin with, and I try my best, but it's like she's witnessing something amazing. She leans her head a little so it's resting against mine. All colors and lights. I lift the straw back to my mouth again and bite down on it as hard as I can and take in Tori's perfume. It's like this cinammon vanilla scent and, God, I hope the video never ends. I hope we're here forever. Blueberry, cinammon, vanilla... Tori, me. I want so bad to be her California girl. Wait. What? Nonono. I must have meant like, as far as her friend. She likes the song, and I want her to like me. Right? But just as... Oh man.

"See what I mean?" she asks. "Huh? Oh... I guess. I don't know." She's giving me a weird look again "What do you mean you 'guess'? Good Lord, Cat, your voice is beautiful. I'd listen to you sing anything. Heck, I'd listen to you sing from Jade's phone book." she gives a laugh, but what she said is making my heart feel like it's growing in me, like it could burst through my chest and float up into the night sky. We're looking at each other and it's like the air around us has stopped moving. It couldn't have been for more than a second, but it felt like an hour. Time stopped. Did it? What? No. Stop being silly, me. But, I start to wonder, if my straw tastes this good, would her li-... we both nearly jump off the bench as Tori's phone goes off. "Ugh, it's... Trina. Hold on, Cat." She gets up and starts walking and before I know it they're arguing with each other again. But I'm still here at the picnic table and time feels like it's slowing back down again. I sit my cup down on the table and look at the straw, wow I really mangled it with all that biting. I sigh and play with my hair a little. She really really seems to like my hair. I hold up a lock to my eyes and take it in. I like the color too, but she seems to love it. She seemed almost mad that I'd consider changing it. Why did I suddenly want blue hair? Hm. I look at my shake, back to my hair. I don't know why I wanted to. Oh well. I'll keep it like this.

"You could probably tell from the screeching that that was Trina." Tori says with a sad sigh as she plops back down on the bench with me. "I think I gotta get back to the school & pick her up; she's refusing to go home with anyone else. God, what a brat. She's supposed to be the older sister here." "It's okay, Tori. I know we didn't exactly get a lot of talking done but you made me feel so much better, anyway. Tonight was... thank you." She leans into me again and we're hugging. I'm breathing in as much of her scent as I can while I have the chance, and I notice she's spinning a bit of my hair around her index finger like I was earlier. All colors and lights. "C'mon, Cat." she says as she stands up "Let's go drop you off before I get back to Hollywood Arts, I don't want you to have to ride with her bitching me out on the way home." Ooh, she sad a bad word. "Kaykay."

She holds my hand as she drives me home, and I'm glad about that, but my stomach's sunk so far because I realise I left my shake back at the park. I can't ask her to go back so I can get it at this point, we've been driving for too long. I try and fight it, but I can feel a pout forming on my face. This stinks. Oh... but her shake is still in here in the cup holder! And hers is all blueberry, not just the straw! The straw. Ohmygod. She had her lips on this one way more than on mine. I want it. I almost blurt out that I want her shake but stop myself, I'll look like a lunatic. So I don't, for all of about ten seconds, then I'm getting really antsy. "Tori?" "Yeah?" "Can I... ?" She laughs really loud this time and I do too "Sure thing, cutie. Can I just have one more sip before I hand it over, though?" Oh, my God. "Yes! Of course, I mean it's your shake. Take a lonnng sip, though. I... don't want you to miss out on any more of it." She gives me this look that's just, oh man, you're killing me Tori. She takes a long long sip and I'm practically melting. I don't want this night to end, but now that we're pulling into my driveway I really want to be up in my room now.

Tori hands me her cup and leans over to give me another hug. All colors and lights. "I really do hope you feel a little better, Cat. I can't stand seeing you sad." My mind rushes back to that lunch where she told me I have to stay happy. "I do feel better, Tori. Um, what kind of perfume are you wearing? Just, 'cause... it's nice. I kinda wanna get some like it." My eyes are darting back and forth, God, stop being such a creep, she's gonna know. Wait. What? She's gonna know what? I don't even know what that 'what' is! Ugh, now I feel dizzy again. "Oh, uh, I don't remember. I got it as a gift. I'll try & remember what it's called though and let you know. You sure you're alright?" she's reaching over to my hair again as she says it, but then gets a look on her face and stops herself. Why? "Yeah, no I'm good, Tori, and... thanks again." I open the door and have to tell myself again and again not to look back at her as I go up to my door, but then I run back over to her car and knock on her window. She rolls it down. "Tori, I really did mean it when I said you're my best friend. I just... wanted you to know. I just... you know, right?" She grabs my hand and I nearly buckle, "I do, Cat. I love you. I mean... like... Oh, uh... Wait. Yeah! You're my friend, I love you." she has a smile on her face but she's blushing so red. I am too. I don't even need to touch my cheek to know for sure. "Goodnight, Tori. I... loveyoutoo!" Ooh, that came out a little loud and fast. We both giggle and look down. I hate it so so so much but I slowly pull my hand from hers and walk back up to my house, I look back and she darts her eyes away. I think she was watching me. God. All colors and lights. I open the door as quick as I can, wave to Tori, then make sure to try and look casual as I go inside and close the door. But as soon as it is, I'm running up to my bedroom. Oh, my God.

Part Five "I Don't Even Know"

I wake up and, ew, I fell asleep with Tori's shake in my hands and I guess I held it a little too hard in my sleep 'cause the cup burst and now my night shirt & comforter are all blue and sticky. Boo. I sigh as I sit up and toss the cup over into my trash bin. I look around a bit, like there would be anyone else in here anyway, and lift up the comforter to smell the melted drink. I sigh again. Ugh, I'm all sticky now.

I get out of the shower and pause as I dry myself off. I look in the mirror at my hair. She loves it, and I do too. I thought it was cute before, but right now it feels like something I need to protect. I need to keep my hair just like this, I can't have Tori sad. I get dressed and take my time brushing my hair as I wait for my comforter and sheets to finish washing. I reach over and give Mr. Longneck a squeeze "Eewweghe!" I giggle, he'so cute. My brother asked me why I named him after a beer bottle, but I don't get it, what do beer bottles have to do with giraffes? God, I'm just restless this morning. Good thing it's the weekend now or I'd not be able to pay attention in class, well, even less than normal. I think about the park last night and sigh again. Jeez, stop sighing. But I can't help it. I close my eyes and remember Tori's perfume. Wow. She was-... it was so beautiful. I'm hungry, maybe I can get Mom to make me some cinammon rolls for breakfast. She won't even know why I'm asking. I'm so clever. I laugh to myself. "C'mon, Mr. Longneck, let's go get something to eat." "Eewweghe!" I giggle again.

"Why not?" Darn it, this stinks. "Because, honey, we don't have any cinammon rolls, okay?" Mom says with an irritated look on her face. "Well, can't you, like, make some from scratch? You're a mother!" "Honey" she's sighing now, lots of sighing going on lately "look, here..." she goes to her purse and hands me a few dollars. "Go to the store and see if they have any if you want them so damn bad, I need to get going, okay?" "Kaykay." She said a bad word, but I'm kind of used to it from my parents now. I go and get ready to leave, and press the screen on my phone so I can check messages while I put on my shoes. Lots of congratulations on my performance last night. Hm. I don't even feel upset about it anymore. I'm kind of glad they liked it now. I send a mass-reply of smiley faces and thank you's, then double check my inbox. None from Tori. Hm. Ooh, I have an e-mail from the Skystore mailing list, though. I'll have to check that out later. I can already see they have a plush cactus that wears a chef's hat and plays "We Didn't Start The Fire" on its own flute. Amazing! And a bargain at just a hundred bucks. I leave the e-mail open and make my way out the door. My brother's out in the yard trying out his prototype Shirtzooka by firing it at passing cars. I run up and give him a peck on the cheek before I head out for the store.

"You're sure you don't sell cinammon rolls?" I even give the attendant the puppy dog eyes, or maybe kitty cat eyes, I laugh to myself "No, young lady. You and your crazy hair need to try a bakery or a grocery store instead of a gas station. Y'might have a bit more luck there." More sighing. I go to leave but then get an idea. I run over to the snack aisle and, yay, sure enough they have cinammon gum and blueberry gum. I grab a few packs of each and pay. I don't know which to have first. I decide on cinammon, but it's really spicy, it's not smooth and light the way it was when I was... Wow, I was really smelling Tori last night wasn't I? I laugh at instead of to myself this time. I spit out the gum and try a stick of blueberry. Oh, yes, there it is. My head is in the clouds, enjoying the blueberry and remembering... and I'm not even paying attention as I walk and walk. I've been going forever, it seems, when I finally get brought back to Earth when a car honks at me as it passes by. "Hi!" they sure seem friendly. "Nice ass, little girl!" one of the guys shouts as they speed on. Hey! Jerk. I mean, I guess he said something nice so I shouldn't be mad. But it didn't feel nice. He also said a bad word. Do I really have a nice butt? I try and look at it and end up spinning in circles. Boo. I wonder if Tori thinks I-... God, I have to stop this. Oh, wow. I walked all the way back to the park we were at last night without even realising it. The table we were at doesn't have my shake on it anymore, though. I go over and sit down and... I wish she was here too.

I take out my phone and check my messages again, nothing from Tori still. It's not that I'm sad or disappointed, it's just... I don't know. I think about calling her, but she'd call me if she wanted to talk, right? Maybe she's thinking the same. 'Oh, Cat. She'll call when she's ready.' I laugh to myself, because I thought of that in Jade's mock-voice for Tori. She's so funny. I swipe at my phone and press on the browser button and go to watch a video for "Scared Of Lonely" and only find one that some kid made that just has the words up on a plain background. But I listen to it anyway and, hey, it doesn't hurt quite as bad. The words still make sense to me, and they still fit, but I'm not filled with sadness the way I was before. I scroll over to the side and go through playlists and push my screen to choose "Luvsongz" it has almost a hundred videos added to it, I'm sure there'll be something in there to match this new mood that I'm feeling. I sit there for close to an hour, chewing that piece of blueberry gum, looking around a bit before holding up one of the cinammon packs to my nose to breathe it in, listening to the songs, singing along to some of them. A lot of them come close to how I feel, but none of them so far have been home runs. Wait. Why am I listening to love songs right now anyway? I get this feeling in my chest, that swelling feeling again like my heart's lifting. More sighing. Wait. This song now. This one! It's perfect! My eyes go wide as I sit there at the picnic table and replay it over and over. Chewing and smelling those sticks of gum. Wow. Who knew? Another song that's just... perfect. It says exactly what I want to say, and... What? Why this song? I... Ohmygod. Oh. Mygod. Oh. My. God. This doesn't mean that I... it does! No. It so does! Ohmygod. I replay the video 'til my phone runs out of power.

Part Six "...And I Promise I'll Never Wish For Anything Else Ever Again"

We're back at school, it's lunch time. No, for real. Things haven't gotten too awkward between Tori and me so far, but I can tell she's almost as nervous as me when we're both around all our other friends. Could she be having the same thoughts as me? I flip my hair a little, acting like I'm just moving around, stretching a bit. Sure enough, she sees my hair moving and her mouth opens a bit before her eyes dart away. She pokes at her food, I don't know if she's eaten a bite of it yet. Andre notices too. "Hey. Tor. You, uh, gonna eat that, or just play with it?" he gives that smooth laugh and Tori fakes a smile to him. "Want some? I don't want... I'm not that hungry today, I guess." "Hey! Sure thing, Tor! Free food!" Andre laughs, Jade rolls her eyes and goes to get up but Beck stops her. Andre goes to grab one of Tori's extra salty french fries then stops himself "Why don't you feed one of 'em to me, huh?" he gives her a little wink. Oh, God. I felt a little panic rush through me right there. What was that all about! Rex chimes in "Heh heh, yeah and while you're at it, feed me a couple too!" "Quit it!" Robbie shoves Rex a bit. I like Robbie. "You people are going out of your way to get my blood boiling aren't you?" Jade butts in "For once, Tori's not running her stupid mouth and you guys have to talk to her anyway." Hey! "Beck, let go of my arm, okay." she says as she stands back up again. "Alright, babe. Sorry guys." Beck gives a nod and shrugs his shoulders as he follows after Jade. Jade's little blow up seems to have distracted Andre and Rex from getting fed by Tori. Thank you, Jade! The bell rings and I pop a stick of blueberry gum into my mouth and skip off to class. Tori's watching as I go. I can feel her eyes on me. All colors and lights.

Making sure none of our other friends are around, I go up to Tori at her locker after the final class of the day. Let's do this. Just... go for it, Cat. You can do this. She understood last time, she'll understand this one too. Even more, because I know she feels it just as much. "Tori! Hi!" she drops her books "Oh, my ! You can't do that to me!" she laughs as she picks her books back up. What does she mean? I come up to her at her locker like this all the time and she doesn't really freak out over it this way. "So, uh, we haven't really talked since the other night." I'm trying to keep my cool as I say it. "Oh." she says "Yeah. Sorry, I just... Trina took my phone to get back at me for ditching at the showcase, and..." what is she talking about? I've seen her use her phone since then. In fact, I've seen her watching the video of me singing on it. So weird. "...so I was like, well, maybe I'll talk to her later, and now we are!" She's smiling though, so I can't be mad. "So, Tori, I was thinking, like, you understood what I was feeling from that song, right?" "Yeah! Totally, it made perfect sense, Cat." "Well, I was wondering, can I come over after school, and... I found another song and I want to see if you'll get this one too." I make sure to play with my hair more and bat my eyelashes, let's not take any chances on her saying no. She's staring, it takes her a moment to gather herself. "Uh, yeah! S-sure! Wait. You're not all sad again are you? Please tell me you aren't." I grab her wrist "Nononono. I told you, you made me feel better after our talk. I just... wanna listen to this song with you. You get me. I think that maybe... I get you, too." She brushes her hair out of her eyes and has this look of panic on her face as she stuffs her books into her locker. "Um, sure, come over this afternoon and we'll hang. I need to go, Cat." "Kaykay!" This time I'm watching her leave. I don't know if I have a nice butt or not, but I know someone that does. I laugh to myself and blush blush blush.

I've been standing at the front door of the Vega household for Lord knows how long, it's gotten dark already. I've checked my make-up, my hair, my clothes, my breath, everything. Breathe, Cat. Breathe. Come on. It's obvious she's got things on her mind, just like you did, and still do. She helped you, and it led to one of the best nights of your life, you should try and do the same for her. God, what if I've been misreading everything? No. Shut up. Stop doubting yourself. Also, it's not nice to tell people to shut up, even if it's yourself. I giggle. More sighing. Alright. It's go time, Valentine. Knuckle up! Grrr! I can do this! I spit out my blueberry gum and knock on the door. Ohgod! I run down the sidewalk, away from her house. No! Nononono! Go back! I'm running towards the door and get there right as Tori's opening it. "Hey, Cat... why were you just ru-... Come in." I step through and into her huge living room. Breathe. Breathe. Darn it, Trina's here. I was hoping we'd be alone, but no, she has t-... Ooh! She has a Skystore catalogue too! "Have you bought anything?" I ask as I run over and hop onto the couch next to her. "Well" she looks up "not yet, so far all they have is stupid crap in here." Whaaa? How dare! I can't even! Ugh! "Shut up, Trina! Come on, Tori, let's go up to your room." I don't even feel bad about telling her to shut up, and I slap her catalogue out of her hands before Tori and I run upstairs.

We're alone in Tori's room now. Wow. We're alone in Tori's room now. Ooh. I just like thinking it! Wait. I don't have to think it now, I'm living it! I laugh to myself. Tori gives me a look. I laugh again. "Ooh! Oh, Tori, I wanna ask you something real quick and don't laugh!" "Ah, okay..." I turn around and look back at her "Do I have a nice butt?" Her face turns bright red and she looks like she's about to jump out of a plane. What's that supposed to mean! "Cat! Jesus!" I laugh to myself, I think that's a yes. I jump over onto her bed next to her and... Ohmygod. I just jumped into Tori's bed. Oh, wow. Why am I so flustered? I've been in her room. I've been in her bed. But this time, it's different. "You didn't have to answer, I was just curious." We both laugh, her's is nervous. We're both blushing. Silence. It's so strange, but it's not bad. We sit there. She picks up a pencil off her night stand and is twirling it around in her fingers, anything to keep her mind occupied. She has to be feeling this. There's no way this one is all in my head. If it is, I'll take up Jade's offer to get checked into a looney bin. "So..." Tori eventually breaks the quiet "you had a... song? Wanna listen?" Okay, go time. Don't chicken out. Do this! Do it. Do it. Do it. Doitdoitdoit. "Kay. But you have to promise me you'll really really listen. Listen to what she's saying." "Alright, Cat! Jeez!" she laughs, then that nervousness comes flooding back into the room. I grab her computer off her table and flip it open, head to the browser and load up the video, Alicia Keys' "Unthinkable." Hm. She was watching a video before I was over here, The-Dream's "Playin' In Her Hair" I like that song too. I close my eyes. Please, Tori. Don't disappoint me. I need this. We both do. Please. Deep breath now. I click play and the fear in me starts to build.

Moment of honesty
Someone's gotta take the lead tonight
Who's it gonna be
I'm gonna sit right here
And tell you all that comes to me
If you have somethin' to say
You should say it right now

You give me a feelin'
That I've never felt before
And I deserve it
I think I deserve it

My God. The fear. I don't wanna open my eyes. I can practically feel the fear radiating off of Tori, too. God. Please, God. Make this work. It's too perfect, too right not to.

It's becoming somethin' that's impossible to ignore
And I can't take it

Here it comes. Oh, God. Open your eyes, Cat! No! Nononodon't! Just let this play. She'll know, she has to.

I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable
Would it make us go crazy

If you ask me
I'm ready
If you ask me
I'm ready

I know you said to me
This is exactly how it should feel
When it's meant to be
Time is only wastin'
So why wait for eventually
If we're gon' do somethin' 'bout it
We should do it right now

You give me a feelin'
That I've never felt before
And I deserve it
I think I deserve it
It's becoming somethin' that's impossible to ignore
And I can't take it

I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable
Would it make us go crazy
Or would it be so beautiful
Either way I'm sayin'

If you ask me
I'm ready
If you ask me
I'm ready

At this point I feel so sick to my stomach. I still can't open my eyes. Tori, I know you feel this. Feel this with me. God, I'm putting it all out on the line right now. I'm giving you my heart to break and trusting you not to. Tori. Tori! I start to sing along. She told me my voice is beautiful, I want it to be as beautiful as she is.

Why give up before we try
Feel the lows before the highs
Clip our wings before we fly away

I can't say I can't compare
I'm suspended in the air
Won't you come be in the sky with me

I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable
Would it make us go crazy
Or would it be so beautiful
Either way I'm sayin'

If you ask me
I'm ready
If you ask me
I'm ready

The music fades out. Tears are running down my cheeks, I'm shaking so hard from the fear. Really shaking this time, not like when I was on stage. I still can't open my eyes. She's not saying anything. Was this wrong? She's never said anything about liking girls before. Ohmygod. Okay, wait. I've never said anything about liking girls, either. God. I never even stopped to think this through. Do I like girls? I mean, I know I like a girl, the girl, but do I like girls? I think about Jade. She's so pretty. She's mean, but she's pretty. Would I? Hm. I don't know. Well, maybe. No. No, just Tori. Would I, though? Oh, shut up. That's not what I'm here for. Cheese and crackers why won't Tori say anything? I just hear her breathing. Screw it, I'm opening my eyes!

"Tori! Say someth-..." Her hands are in my hair and she's kissing me. All colors. All lights. Every last one of them. As vivid and as bright as my imagination allows. All colors and lights.