A/N: This is the first of my one-shot book for my Hamilton stories! Enjoy!

Universe: Grind to the Rhythm AU

Need to know: Can be read as a stand-alone or companion-fic to GTTR (CH17 SPOILERS)

Warnings: Teen pregnancy, abuse, death, neglect

home, creation, numb, invisible

alex

At age ten, his father leaves him, incapable of taking care of his sick mom and two kids. Two years later, his mom dies and his brother is adopted a year after that. He's stuck in an orphanage for three years before George Washington finds him and instantly decides to make him his son.

In third grade, he meets John Laurens and eight years later he's pressing his lips hard against his while they frantically work to remove their clothes as fast as possible. He loses his virginity to him.

The same year, he meets Hercules because they went to camp together where he gets poisoned by Aaron Burr's shitty cooking. While the others sleep, Alex is the one who stays next to him at the outhouse while he pukes his guts out, writing whatever's on his mind on looseleaf paper.

Alex has never liked Burr. Too passive, too reserved, too quiet, too eager to please the party that would benefit him. So when he hears Burr is going to become a lawyer, he starts studying, starts debating more in class. He joins the debate team, and wins medals, wins trophies, puts their school on the map. He talks too much but why be quiet when there are so many ideas you can say. That's what he says and soon his teachers are saying it too. Witty, they say, he'll go far, that one.

He graduates high school and gets into all the universities he wanted to. John goes with him because he loves Alex and Alex likes to think that maybe, he loves him too. But not in the way John wants (but more on that later). He's had girlfriends before, after the first hook-up, but he always comes running back to John.

Because John, while he doesn't get it, knows that there's no stopping Alex. Alex is a hurricane, he is a mind at work, he is twenty different ideas coming out of one mouth and ten more bubbling in his brain. He is a genius, he is the future, he is the stuff of legends. Hundreds of years from now, people will still be talking about him because he is just that relevant. He was ahead of his time, they'll say.

And Alex will smile, because that means he's made it. He's come from nothing and clawed his way up, bit by by bloody bit. When his fingers are raw, his tongue is dry, and his mind is spent, that is when he will be finished. And he'll be remembered. And it'll be worth it, won't it?

But not yet. He has a long way to go. Until then, he can take what life has to offer to make up for his beginning. It is almost as if life says, at least have a few good chapters in your biography. Which will surely be printed. Because he is the future. He will plant seeds in a garden he will never get to see. He will have a legacy.

It is his sophomore year of uni when he meets her. The one who stops the ticking in his head for more than a moment, who silences the thoughts, who gets it, unlike how her sister does (oh, what could have been). Slender arms wrap around his neck and then pull away, like tides. Cool fingers press against his temple and she will hum quietly for him and he will be reminded of his home in the Caribbean because that is exactly what she is and where exactly he is now.

Because while John is new adventures, and everything he's ever wanted, Eliza is stability, and everything he's ever needed.

She is the warm hearth to the torrential rain in his heart. And she is what his legacy needs.

Because while John is firecrackers in a pub at New Year's, Eliza is home at Christmas with hot chocolate and gentle candlelight.

Eliza is home.

Home.

When's the last time he's had one of those?

john

John Laurens is normal. His parents are normal, he has no siblings, he grew up just fine. He isn't anything special until he picks up a paintbrush in grade two and creates his first rainbow in all the wrong colours. His mind implodes with the possibilities. So he begins to take art lessons and realizes that this is his calling - his destiny. Finally, something he can call his own.

But when he meets Alex, he realizes art isn't just on paper. He falls head over heels, die-if-we-break-up, I'd-go-to-the-ends-of-the-earth-for-you in love with him. It hits him like a truck and it becomes a reality when his lips meet Alex's and his fingers fumble with the belt around his waist.

But then Alex gets girlfriends and John's just the pan art student who doesn't care about his grades and decorates the office with abstract art pieces. But that's just decorative. Alex can debate. He's the future. All the teachers say it. He's a revolution in one, he's the next president. He leaves his opponents in the dust.

And not just his opponents.

But John… he can only pick up a paintbrush and try to find the right moves. That and love Alex… maybe the only one he can't have. He goes on dates with boys, girls, they don't feel the same. The only thing that gives him the same rush as Alex does is making stuff.

Make stuff. That's what he can do. He can pretty things up but Alex can get down to the gritty bits. And when he tells as much to Peggy Schuyler, one of the students at the art school he goes to, she gives him a dirty look. She tells him he can create whatever his mind desires and that's talent in itself. He paints the dark corners of the world, he makes things into reality, he can turn something into something completely different with just a few decisive strokes, because if Alex has wit, John has soul.

He looks at her and asks, 'Can I recreate a love?' and she looks at him with a shy smile and an answer on her lips. But she just looks away, keeps him guessing, asks if they're friends. 'Of course,' he says.

He leaves Peggy for university - for Alex - and suddenly he's too busy to talk to her. He goes back to being that art student minus the bad grades because this is stuff he actually likes. He's still the pan on campus - no one makes fun of him but everyone knows who he's screwing and who's screwing with him. And he lets them talk. Because it's all true and it sucks. Alex tries to talk to him but he's always busy, glasses on the bridge of his nose, and all John misses is his best friend. Before the sex, before the feelings, before university, before the time they were almost dating and then they weren't. It's a vicious cycle of life (drowning) until she shows up on his doorstep one day.

'Happy birthday,' she says and he doesn't even realize the date. Alex doesn't either, he's passed out upstairs, butt naked and snoring. John crosses a hand over his robe, trying to cover the hickey marks but she smiles and he finds how much he's missed that smile. It is sunshine and roses and everything sweet in this world.

He takes the gift and she's gone. The cycle stops. Art. She is art. And he is inspired. His next art pieces are filled with every emotion he can find colours and shapes and images for, plus a thousand more behind every stroke. They get hanged in billionaire's homes and John donates all of it to an art gallery after buying his own house.

Peggy comes and gives him a hug when she sees him working in Papa John's. She asks why he didn't keep the money - 'You made headlines. Why?'

'Because of you.' Is his simple answer. She leaves with the sun on her face.

Alex asks if they can do it one last time (lies) the day before semester ends and John says no. The other is surprised but nods, leaves, goes out to the pub or to the park or maybe even the library. John doesn't care. For once, he doesn't mind Alex going out, and he doesn't drive himself insane wondering if he's flirting with anyone but him. Because of her.

He sees her in his head, can feel her smile. Misses her but doesn't know why.

He doesn't meet her until a year later. Alex's new girlfriend, and she's a real keeper. Eliza Schuyler. That's her name. And John is friendly because he can't find it in him to be anything but. There is no jealousy, no hidden bitterness, because it's not there anymore. That spark he felt whenever he saw Alex… it's gone.

Alex looks happy. Eliza asks him to meet her dad. Alex invites John along. The two meet Philip Schuyler. And Eliza has sisters, Angelica and Peggy.

Peggy.

Suddenly he isn't just the pan art student when she's around. He's the guy who painted the collection and could've been rich but instead donated it to art galleries. He's the good guy with a huge heart and twice as huge dreams. He's the painter and the sculptor and he doesn't just make things, he creates whatever his heart desires.

He sees her a lot more and Alex talks to him. They're best friends again. Just like that, a snap of fingers. But John doesn't love him like that anymore. He loves Alex how Alex has loved him all along. They're best friends, yes, but Peggy Schuyler is what completes him. See that necklace? Yeah, Peggy Schuyler gave it to him and you know what the note said?

'Maybe we shouldn't recreate a love. Then it feels cheap and used. And it'll always feel like you're just a replacement for something that can't really be replaced. No one deserves to be a rebound-' crossed out, 'second pick-' crossed out, 'part of a pale imitation of something that used to be great. Especially you, John. You once said we were friends. And friends make promises. I promise I'll do whatever it takes to keep you happy.

Why don't we create something together?

Xoxo Peggy'

John kisses Peggy Schuyler for the first time in his sophomore year under the mistletoe. They both shake it off as tradition - 'gotta kiss under misistletoe' - but John wonders if it felt the same for her. If it is as if none of the kisses before matter. If this felt like the first kiss, the right kiss. She takes the necklace in her hand, opens the pendant. A slip of paper falls out and she frowns because 'that wasn't there before.' and bends down to pick it up.

'I know,' he answers and pulls out a chain just like his for her. When she stands up, her eyebrows rise in shock and she slips it over her head. He takes the slip of paper from her hands and she realizes that it's her note and he asks if she wants to get married. A nod. 'Thirty, then. When we're thirty, we'll get married.'

And she says yes.

hercules

Hercules Mulligan used to be bullied. They used to call him the chubby kid in elementary school. Well, jokes on them, he works out through the summer and in high school he's a whole new kid. He snags a girlfriend half-way through the end of the year and they become the couple. Her name's Elizabeth Saunders, she's pretty and sweet and smart.

And her mom abuses her.

Hercules finds out beginning of ninth grade. She tells him it's over ('we're done. It's done.') but he's too smart for that. He tells her she can live with him without a second thought and the rest of ninth grade is putting her mom in jail and contacting her dad.

She cries uncontrollably while they hug on the couch. Her stuff's packed and they're waiting for her dad to pick her up. She thanks him for everything and kisses him right on the lips. Hercules loves her. He's sure of it. But he doesn't tell her - not yet.

In tenth grade, he makes it on the basketball team and they win the championship. In tenth grade, Elizabeth says she loves him. In tenth grade, Hercules is invited to his girlfriend's house for dinner.

He's popular but not in the jockish way. He takes foods classes and likes math, likes measuring things, knowing there's only one answer and everything is in order. He meets Alexander Hamilton in their junior year when they go to camp. He's heard a bunch of things about the kid, some not so complimentary. But he's good. Stays outside the toilet with him when he's vomiting whatever Burr fed him. If things were different, maybe they'd be better friends. But they're just acquaintances who say hi in the halls and talk about homework.

In grade eleven, Elizabeth Saunders asks if they're forever. In grade eleven, Hercules Mulligan says yes. In grade eleven, Elizabeth gets knocked up.

There are pregnancy tests, and screaming, and suddenly they're not the couple anymore. He wants to keep it, so does she, but they have dreams and their whole lives ahead of them. She leaves to stay at her dad's for the summer to think it over ('call me') and Hercules doesn't know what to do. He doesn't want to call her, doesn't really know if he wants to even see her.

He is walking through the store with his thoughts when he sees baby clothes. His fingers itch to rip something. So he grabs the closest thing he can, a giraffe onesie, and feels the fabric in his hands. His hands ache to destroy it but he only stares at the pattern, runs a finger over the stitching, and an idea pops in his head. He wants this kid. He loves this kid. He loves Elizabeth. This is what he can do.

He buys the onesie and goes home.

The next day, a list in hand, he buys the recommended fabrics he researched last night. By the end of the week, a pair of pants are finished. They look a little wonky, one leg shorter than the other, but it's soft and cute and fluffy.

He calls his girlfriend.

He makes it to captain of the basketball team in his senior year but bails out on their qualifier games when he gets the call that Elizabeth is in labour. He drives fast, breaking twenty different laws and doesn't even park correctly before he's in the hospital asking for her.

The nurse leads him to a waiting room. He asks where she is. Her dad's there in a blue gown, worry on his face. They've had a rocky relationship since the pregnancy but he hugs him tightly now. Mr. Saunders tells him to call him Arthur and together they head into the operating room.

He holds her hand and tells her everything's going to be alright as they snip the cord. A healthy baby boy, the doctors say, and they put him in an incubator to be wheeled out.

'Dad, can you go with him?' Arthur Saunders has missed so many years of his daughter's life to his ex-wife. He's torn between wanting to stay and doing whatever his daughter asks. 'Herc's here. I'll be fine.'

She isn't fine. The doctors try to keep quiet as Hercules keeps talking to his girlfriend, wiping away the sweat on her forehead and kissing her gently. He tries to tell her about the clothes he's making - they're getting better - to block out the doctors and to keep her distracted but when the monitors around them start beeping, he can't pretend anymore.

'Am I dying?' she asks and he can't respond. They pull him away as they put her under. A nurse tells him to wait and he sits in the waiting room on autopilot. He doesn't register anything. Not even when Arthur comes and asks why he's out here.

'Is Liz out of surgery?' Hercules can't respond, runs a hand over his face and tries to stop the tears. Arthur sits next to him and it's the worst two hours of his life. Scratch that.

The moment the nurse tells him she's dead - the days after. Those are the worst. Everything is numb. He just aches to feel. Why can't he feel anything? He doesn't move until the surgeons tell him he can't stay here. He has to go home; he has to eat, sleep. Arthur drives him home. His parents ask where he's been - they missed the game but his friends have come by to ask. He doesn't respond.

His room is full of baby clothes and sketches. He looks at them for half a second and then turns away. Later, he'll have to explain to his parents why his knuckles are bleeding and why there's a hole in the wall but until then, at least he can focus on the pain instead of how numb he feels. The next day he beats up a kid who asks where Elizabeth is. His knuckles split and the blood is warm and he can feel.

He's suspended for a week.

Arthur comes to him on Friday with a small bundle in his arms. Hercules slams the door in his face. Adoption papers are mailed to him, slipped under his door by his parents and he opens it, reading every word as if Elizabeth is somehow sealed into the paper. He wants to tear it up but instead he slips it back in the envelope, shoves it into his drawer and goes to sleep at 2 PM on a Tuesday.

When his knuckles scab over, he can't find the strength to keep fighting. He's been drowning ever since she died and all he's done is swim down. Exhaustion. That's the word for the weight dragging at his ankles and pulling his head down. On New Year's, he visits Arthur Saunders for the first time in two months. It is the first time in two weeks he's gone out of the house. The last time was to go to her funeral.

He's holding a box and it's full of clothes he had sewn for their baby boy and inside Arthur will find something he's been holding onto. Hercules stays for a bit, holds his son who peers up at him with her eyes. As Arthur roots through the box, Hercules starts to feel tears trailing down his face hotly. The pain clenches his throat and he lets out a hoarse sob. Everything he couldn't feel pounds on him now as he holds his son for the first time in his life.

'I love you.' He says and not just to the baby boy he knows is named Elias after Elizabeth. 'I don't want to live like this anymore.' And he breathes fresh air for the first time in ages.

lafayette

He's rich.

That's the only thing that defines him. The rich kid at a public school with the military dad and workaholic mom. He's grown up all his life attending parties and meeting people who he will see more than he'd like. So he has private tutors, takes fencing, is the perfect boy who meets the perfect girl of his dad's colleague. Since the military, his dad's joined politics. Great. Even more time away from home.

Her name's Camilla Clarington and she's a bit younger than him. Two years, to be exact, with pretty blue eyes and golden hair. He models when he's younger, gains an actual fanbase in France. She's a model too. They have shoots together sometimes. They talk, they're best friends. People say they look great together.

It's the perfect life.

It's the dream.

It's stifling.

He can barely breathe here - growing up, he couldn't have many friends because they have either believe him to fit the stereotype or think him too intimidating or maybe… he doesn't really try. He walks through the halls alone because he doesn't want to talk to people and they don't want to talk to him.

The only one who talks to him is Camilla. She's a ballerina, some politician's daughter, honor's classes. Naturally, once the companionship is struck, they're paired up together at every event. She makes the events just bearable. He can breathe. Lafayette invites her over a lot (his parents aren't ever home), and she starts coming often. They do their homework in the dining hall, eating whatever they want.

Or sometimes they meet up on the roofs of the tallest buildings they can find. The wind sinks into their lungs and their laughter is crisp as they watch the sunset. Every climb is exhilarating, this is something he shouldn't be doing, and in doing so, it allows him to have a deep calm within him. He can control at least one thing in his life.

The weight on his chest lessens when he's on top of the world. And when Camilla kisses him on the night of his fifteenth birthday, the wind gives him wings and everything is beautiful and new.

He gets his first tattoo when he's sixteen. It's the her name just above his heart. They aren't dating - not yet - but it's something close to that. He doesn't need labels to know that they're meant to be (or so he thought) and that she loves him just as much as he loves her. When his parents find out (he doesn't know whether they're mad about Camilla or about that tattoo), his dad slaps him across the face and his mom tries to talk but he doesn't have the heart to tell his mom he only did it because he wants them to see him for once.

His mom is promoted to CEO; his dad says he's going to run for office.

'Your first love isn't your forever, duckling.' His mom tells him in passing when he just comes back from a rooftop visit with Camilla, but he barely pays attention to her. He's eighteen now and he's going to graduate soon. He shrugs off her words like every time she shrugged him off.

He takes a gap year - doesn't really know what he wants to do yet. His dad tells him to join the workforce, like he has any say in his life, and his mom asks him to work an internship at the firm. He declines both of their offers (orders). His modelling has expanded to acting, to Camilla's displeasure and he does a few more gigs while she's finishing up school. He can breathe easier when under the spotlight for he isn't Lafayette or Gil (Camilla calls him that) or the rich, lonely kid. He's whoever he embodies, whatever the script demands.

And that's how he finds it his passion. He applies for an exchange program that allows him to travel to America for acting opportunities and gets in after a few weeks of tough competition. His audition reel is redone thirty times and he submits it with a worry that gnaws at his gut for ages. Then he gets the email saying he got in and he realizes he has to tell Camilla.

She completely blows up at him.

She tells him he's leaving her behind. He tells her it's not always about her. He wants this - 'why can't I have one simple thing?' She says she wants him. 'Then wait for me.' is his answer. He goes to NYC without saying goodbye.

His city guide is Hercules Mulligan. He's a big guy who has a sorta sad look about him. Sometimes it's hard to reach him but Laf doesn't mind. He explores the city, goes to King's College and sometimes sits in the coffee shop to people watch.

There's a freckled boy and a man who looks tired a lot that he likes to watch. Their names are Alex and John, from what he can gather. Sometimes he's lined up behind them or sitting one table over. The two aren't exactly happy but it's clear they're good friends (or used to) and they come out of habit. They notice him eventually and formally introduce themselves. They talk a bit, once in a while, but Lafayette mostly keeps to himself.

He returns to France in the summer. He's done a few commercials, a few things here and there. His English is getting better and he has a pretty face - a good combination for quick jobs. When he comes back, he surprises Camilla for her graduation. She's even prettier than he remembers. Her hair is curled and she has a honey-sweet smile on her lips when she sees him.

'I waited for you.' she says and kisses him, clutching her diploma in hand. She is a nostalgic song, one that his heart aches for everytime he hears. He spends the summer in Paris with his love, taking classes from the university.

He does not tell his parents he's in the city.

Hercules picks him up at the airport. He tells him they've found a bigger home - shared with two others who go to King's College. Hercules says their names are John Laurens and Alexander Hamilton. Lafayette moves in the third day he's in New York.

He calls Camilla a lot, but she says she's been accepted into Paris Opera Ballet - there won't be a lot of time to call. Suddenly, he's in the deep end, left hanging to drown. He fills in the void by bonding with his new housemates. On his birthday, she calls him first and ask how NYC is.

'It's better than anything I could ever wish for.' He says, 'I can breathe again.' She's sweet, telling him how happy he is but he can tell she doesn't really get it. Not even when they were kids. He wishes she could be more. More rough around the edges rather than the perfect pearl in a sheltered life. Because he's never talked to her about the choking feeling when he's in France, the feeling of a collar around his neck - the last time he did, she looked at him like he was crazy and he dropped it quick.

He gets his first minor role in some tv show where his character dies off in two episodes but it's better than nothing. His twitter explodes momentarily with mentions on who that hot new actor is before his fame fades and he's that regular French student again. Then it's summer again and he's leaving for France except this time he really dreads it. Not even the thought of Camilla and classes can take his mind off the feeling of being invisible.

Being invisible fucking sucks and Camilla is sweet and bubbly and joyful. But she doesn't see him, not for real. She looks at him and sees her perfect boyfriend who used to take her on rooftop dates. She looks at him and sees the man with the perfect smile and the tattoo of her name and her date for all the functions they used to go to. She doesn't sense the damage, she doesn't make him feel anything for her anymore. And he wonders if he ever really loved her or if he was just desperate for attention that wasn't the camera.

He's in the airport, ready to board the plane. He glances at his ticket, then pulls out his phone. Nausea is crawling up his throat as he calls Hercules and comes back home to John and Alexander. All of his friends, they're beaten up and bruised but they embrace him as if one of their own and tell him that they're going out to party.

That's the first of many string of one-night lovers he has. It's a new girl every week, a new experience, and he doesn't stop long enough to feel guilty. One of the girls tells him he should get that tattoo fixed before she sleeps with him. She gives him his number, a smile, and a hard-on. He doesn't even remember her name, just runs a hand over where Camilla's name is imprinted on his skin.

He goes to the tattoo parlor and covers half his chest with a black wing. It liberates him, the pain, because it reminds him once upon a time that the wind used to give him the freedom to fly. He leaves the tattoo parlor with a bandaged chest and he rips up the girl's number.

When he's in bed that night, Camilla calls him and he picks up. He waits until she's finished talking before he tells her what he's done. He tells her he's cheated on her, he tells her she's done nothing wrong, he tells her 'we're done.'

He expects her to blow up. But instead, in tears, she breathes 'thank God,' and tells him that she's been seeing another man since her graduation. He's a principal dancer and she has the nerve to say, 'He sees me in a way that you don't, Gil.' And it hollows out his insides. He hangs up.

So she really didn't care after all.

She tries to call him for a long time, leaving long voice messages at a time. He listens to every single one, trying to find the emotions so he can replicate them in the future. He calls it an acting exercise, Hercules calls it torture.

Finally, he picks up and she's relieved and sort of rushed and he tells her to stop wasting his time. He says it's okay (it's not) and that he's glad that she's happy. She tells him they broke up and she misses her best friend. He hangs up. They haven't been friends - not for a long time. And when Lafayette thinks about it, they weren't ever really best friends

Then he meets her. A jagged knife with sharp brown eyes and an impossible smile with an endless abyss of sadness in her soul. And she sees him for what he is but doesn't ask, because he will reveal his damage in his own time. But before that, she trusts him, tells him things that are sacred to her. And he thinks that this is the woman who will understand. Who will share his bed and his heart, who will take him in her hands and heal his wounds. Who makes him feel loved.

Even though Camilla and Gil looked good together, Adrienne and Laf feel so much better.