Cosette Says Goodbye
It was a Saturday evening mid-June in 1833; Cosette Pontmercy was in her bedroom preparing herself for bed, Marius and herself had been enjoying an evening at the theatre that night as a treat from Marius's Grandfather. It was a lovely show, with singing and drama and Cosette hadn't enjoyed herself so much in a long time. She hadn't been able to experience much theatre life when she was growing up, her papa never liked to go out much and the convent where she spent most of her childhood frowned upon things like that, with the exception of the school choir which she was a part of.
Not that Cosette ever minded that when she was growing up, she was happy enough staying at home with her father and playing the piano for him, but it never occurred to her what she was missing all those years, she really loved going to the theatre now and hoped that she would have the opportunity to go again soon.
Cosette was brushing her hair at her dressing table when she noticed she hadn't taken her earrings off yet, Marius had given them to her as a present not long ago and she wore them tonight especially for him. She took them off and opened up her jewellery box to put them inside for safe keeping when her eyes caught sight of something else in the box.
That was where she kept the letter her dear papa had given her before he died. She kept forgetting that she put it in there, sometimes she forgot that her papa wasn't around at all and she would feel incredibly guilty. She didn't want to forget about her papa, but there were so many good things in her life now that it was a shame to stay sad all the time. She had a husband who loved her, a family and friends and she was experiencing Paris properly for the first time in her life, why shouldn't she be happy? Of course those things just made her feel even guiltier when she remembered her poor father; it was so hard sometimes she thought knowing how to feel about everything that had happened.
Cosette picked up the letter and held it to her lips for a moment, softly kissing it. She didn't unfold it to read it that evening; she had read it enough times that she knew it by heart now. Then she held it close to her heart for a moment and closed her eyes, remembering her father. It had only been a little over a month since he had died so she still felt very raw about his death. She missed him dearly. How could she not? He was her father, he had been such a kind and gentle man and despite him distancing himself from her after she had been married she had still loved him very much, she wished so badly that he was still alive and living with her and Marius.
Cosette was caught off guard a little when Marius entered the bedroom, she was deep in thought and had forgotten where she was, her eyes were glistening slightly from tears and she hurriedly put the letter back in the box before Marius noticed what she had been doing.
He did notice though, he knew that's where she had put the letter and that she was still upset over her fathers death and that sometimes she would become sad all of a sudden. Marius had never asked to read the letter; he knew it was for her alone and that her father had written it just for her eyes to see so he respected that wish. It did hurt him sometimes when she felt sad though, he wanted to be everything for her and sometimes he felt like there was so little he could do to help her with the grief. He still felt like their marriage was so new and this seemed like their first major setback, he also felt guilty at how things had turned out with her father, he knew he was at least partially responsible for his death, not that Cosette had blamed him at all, but he couldn't help how he felt.
Marius paused in the doorway as he noticed Cosette putting the letter away quickly; he walked over to her and kissed the crown of her head gently.
"You don't have to hide that from me Cosette" he said to her gently.
Cosette looked up at him sadly for a moment, "I know. I wasn't trying to hide it; you just startled me that's all".
Marius stroked her face gently and then let her resume brushing her hair whilst he got himself ready for bed too.
Marius knew how sad she would get when she remembered her father; she would become very quiet and distant. He also knew that it meant she wouldn't be in the mood for anything physical in the bedroom that night, which was a shame because he was feeling in the mood that night.
Still, that night when they were both in bed and she was curled up next to him he thought he might try his luck and take her mind off things, she was looking so beautiful and she smelt like fine perfume and her hair felt so soft against his skin that it had an intoxicating effect on him.
He started out by kissing her gently on the forehead and worked his way down to her mouth, he kissed her softly and was pleased when he felt her kissing him back, she didn't seem as enthusiastic as she usually was but surely it was a positive sign that she wanted him to continue.
He stroked her face gently and ran his fingers through her beautiful long hair, he loved it when she would let down her hair at night, it was how she looked naturally and he felt very lucky that he had the privilege of seeing her like that, she was always so beautiful that she was almost angelic sometimes. Despite everything that had happened lately he never regretted getting married for one second, she was his perfect beautiful wife and he loved her with all his heart.
He moved one of his hands slowly downwards and ran a hand gently over her breast. He noticed that Cosette gave him a weak smile, he wasn't sure if she was enjoying this or not but she wasn't protesting or telling him to stop so he continued touching her gently.
He kissed her on the mouth again and let his tongue massage hers but she was hardly responding to him, he tried kissing her on the neck which he knew always got her excited but when she wasn't reacting like she usually would to his soft kisses Marius finally got the message that she wasn't in the mood tonight.
He sighed gently against her shoulder, cursing himself for getting himself worked up when she clearly wasnt up for it. One thing he didn't want in his marriage was for Cosette to feel like sex was a duty towards him or worse, a chore. He never wanted her to feel violated by him either, so he broke away from her and looked at her seriously.
"Are you alright Cosette" he asked her softly
"Yes, of course" she replied, trying to sound genuine
He looked at her disbelievingly; she wasn't being very convincing tonight.
"Are you sure? You seem a little….distracted" he said, for lack of a better word.
Cosette felt disappointed with herself when he said that, she was hoping he hadn't noticed.
"I'm sorry" she replied weakly "I was thinking about my father" she said, not realising how that sounded until she noticed Marius's expression change from concern to bemusement.
"I didn't mean it like that" she said quickly, realising she sounded quite odd thinking about her father when Marius was trying to make love to her.
Marius smiled at her kindly and kissed her forehead. "I know what you meant my darling" he said softly to her, then he looked at her again sadly.
"You miss him don't you?" he asked her
Cosette closed her eyes for a moment, trying to hold back some tears. She simply nodded instead of replying to him.
"I'm sorry Cosette" he said to her "I wish I could do more to help you".
"I know" she said looking up at him again "But being with you like this, well…it doesn't make it worse" she said and she gave him a small smile too.
"There were just so many things I didn't have the chance to tell him, and now I'll never be able too" she added sadly.
Marius thought about that for a moment, perhaps she would feel better if she opened up her heart to him instead.
"Would you like to tell me?" he asked her hopefully
Cosette looked at him, it was a nice offer, but there were some things that she could only have shared with her papa, not that her husband wasn't wonderful to talk to and to share things with, but sometimes she felt like she still needed her father too.
Marius seemed like he knew what she was thinking at that moment and he backtracked a little.
"No you're right, that wouldn't work". He said to her, "I'm sorry Cosette; I know I'm a poor substitute for him sometimes".
"You're still a wonderful husband Marius, I love you." She told him.
Marius kissed her softly on the mouth again, and afterwards Cosette settled down to go to sleep, with Marius's arms wrapped around her protectively.
Marius held his wife and pondered things for a while. He thought about how Cosette had comforted him after the fighting last summer when he lost all his friends. He remembered how she came with him when he returned to the Café Musain for the first time and how she had stayed with him silently and compassionately whilst he made his peace with his friends and asked for forgiveness that he had lived and they hadn't. He remembered how supportive she was when he said goodbye to Enjolras, Eponine, Coufeyrac, little Gavroche and everyone else he knew. She was so understanding when he dealt with the guilt that he was the only one to survive. He felt that if he hadn't done that he might not have been able to cope with the loss and she was there for him when he did that, so why couldn't he help her in return?
Then he got an idea, an idea that might actually work. Cosette hadn't really been able to say goodbye properly yet to her father, during the funeral and the days after she was so overcome with grief she could barely do anything, it had taken a lot of time and patience just to get to the point she was at now. Maybe she just needed to make her peace like he had done, Marius thought.
"Cosette?" he said quietly
"Hmmm?" she replied sleepily
"It's Sunday tomorrow, after church why don't we go to the cemetery and visit your fathers grave? Then you could tell him anything you need too. It might be good for you" He said
Cosette opened her eyes and looked up at him inquisitively, she was about to dismiss the idea, thinking that it was foolish to try and talk to someone who wasn't really there, but then she realised that it sounded like exactly what she wanted to do.
"I'd like that Marius, I'd like that very much" She said happily to him
"Why don't you take him some flowers from the garden too?" he added "I'm sure he'd have liked that".
"I will, they're looking lovely right now aren't they?" She said. "Thank you Marius, I love you".
"I love you too Cosette". He told her happily.