A Year On

by abz1

A quick one shot, its been a year since Charlie died, this is from Brax's P.O.V and its set on the one year aniversary of her death, this is my way of showing Brax accepting a year without Charlie and maybe coming to terms with moving on.

Hey so a little bored in Uni, an idea popped into my head so I thought I might aswell write it down, I actually don't know where it came from or why I wrote it really but two hours later, 5 and a half thousand word and my first one shot complete.

The storyline is that it has been a year since Charlie died. Ruby appears in this a fair bit, I didn't like the way she left so in my one shot she left out of choice but she wasn't on speaking terms with Brax, she still blamed him. I have tried to add as much emotion and feeling as possible and I hope it comes across. I hope you guys enjoy it and when the actual year of Charlie's death comes on the show there is some acknowledgment of it.

January 24th, A Year On.

She stood right in front of me, her smile just like I remembered, her body with the same curves, that perfect petite waist, her legs I could imagine being just as tanned and beautiful hidden under the material that adorned them. Her hair was even the same, it had that tinge of chocolaty brownness and it flowed perfectly down her shoulders, all her features mesmerizing, picturesque, but this wasn't no picture, she was here, right in front of me, there was no denying it because for the last five minutes I stood and stared at her, I noticed her chest rise and fall, I saw the breath being drawn, and I'm sure if I tried hard enough I would hear her heart beat, and I knew it would be going ten to the dozen, she always did say I made her heart beat faster than anything ever.

One thing was sure, I didn't understand how she was here, if it was my imagination then why hadn't I seen this before. Why after such a long time was I seeing her face?

''How is this possible?'' I asked, I wanted to say her name but I feared what if it wasn't her, what if it was someone else, in my heart I knew it was but my mind told me a different story,

''How is what possible?'' she asked and as soon as the words escaped her mouth, I knew it was her, that same voice but with that added huskiness, whether that was because of the dewy surroundings or something else.

''You, here, on the … '' I looked around not quite figuring exactly where it was, …''here…With me''

''It's simple Brax, it is said that if you want something from the bottom of your heart and soul, then the entire universe tries to unite the both of you.'' She smiled,

''So this is not real'' I asked confused,

''What do you mean not real, I'm here, your here, is that not real'' she asked, I could hear the annoyance in her voice, as if I was missing the bigger picture,

''I don't know, I don't understand anything'' I told her as I rubbed my hand across my face and then through my hair,

''Is this a dream''?

''I'm a wish your heart made'' she answered back cryptically,

''What the hell does that even mean'' I asked and this time the anger was evident in my voice,

I didn't understand anything, the last thing I had remembered was leaving a message on Ruby's answer machine, the context of that message wasn't important but what was happening now. It was like an alternative universe, a universe where she (Charlie) was alive.

''You called me to see you and I came, so why are you confused''

''I asked you lots of times and you never came, so why now''

''I'm always there Brax, just because you cannot see me, that does not mean I am not there''

''So where are we now?''

''Anywhere you want it to be''

''Heaven?'' I asked cheekily, she laughed, me and heaven wasn't the perfect match,

''So are you like my guardian angel'' and before she could answer I knew the answer so I spoke it for her,

''You are whatever I want you to be'' she nodded in acknowledgement,

''I often see you cry Brax, and even though you never say why I know it's because you are in pain, I want to ease your pain and hold you tight more than anything''

I didn't say anything, instead I watched as she continued walking and I followed her,

''It was nice seeing you smile, them dimples still breaking many hearts, , I see you from up here but it can get a little fuzzy'' she chuckled at her own joke, to be honest maybe a different day, a different scenario then it might have been funny but I was out of my depth here, I had no idea where I was, what was happening or what to think. She sat on the sand and patted the space next to her, I sat down what felt like right next to her but there was a considerable amount of distance between us.

I watched as she played with the grains of sand, not once looking at me, and I either watched her or the water, which was very calm, the perfect accompaniment to this deluded scene that was going on.

''She's a nice girl you know, I've been analysing her for you'' she spoke still not looking at me, I watched as the sand escaped through her hands ever so slowly,

''Who?'' I asked naively

''I'm guessing her name is Natalie but that's a total a random guess''

''She's not you''

''That's a good thing''

''How so?''

''I just know, just don't give up on her, not just yet even if she gives up on you, she might be the way into the light''

I didn't say anything instead I stood up as she stood,

''I need to go now but Brax just remember I love you''

''Will I see you again'' I asked hoping she would say yes,

''One day we will meet again, but only when the time is right, right now you are in this place of darkness and when you step out of the darkness I shall be waiting in the light'' I watched as she moved back and the whole time she was speaking her arms outstretched for me to grab her hand.

Her eyes pierced into me, her smile threatened to take over her face, her hand still reaching out to me, she had said that this is whatever I wanted it to be, so if I wanted to feel her, all I had to do was grab her hand. I outstretched my hand to where hers was, I clasped the air where the illusion of her hand was, the air between my fingers felt heavy and I realised that clasp around my heart just increased. I looked around and then it hit me, I was looking at an invisible person and it was tearing me apart.

There was no sign of her, anywhere, I felt the area spin, like my very own cyclone, it was like everything swirled around me and I slowly fell to the ground, I felt my hands hit the sand first and then my knees, I felt a jolt and then the next minute I was wiping sweat of my forehead and I was sat up in my bed looking at the all too familiar walls.

This is the first time since she left that she has come into my dream, never before. It feels so surreal, I can't even say it was a dream or just something that my imagination conjured. Whatever it was, she came to see me.

-x-

A year could pass in seconds, minutes, days, or weeks, some good moments and some so not good, and for some people waking up in the morning, going about your normal routine is just a way to get by day by day. A year on and some people forget that something's are forgotten and others are embedded into your brain, heart and soul, no matter how many times you try to push events out of your head, it's not possible.

Having the ability to wake up in the morning with the sun creeping through that cliché gap in your curtains you are amongst the luckiest in the world, but what is the point to waking up, when there is nothing to wake up too. Yes I awake and there is someone keeping the right side of my bed warm, yes I wake and go to work do normal things whatever normal means but then I have this gaping hole which engulfs me, I have that tightness in the back of my throat which I refuse to loosen and I have this guard up which for me is what protects me from the hole deepening. I feel like there is something always missing, someone always missing.

I momentarily look at the women splayed across the bed next to me, her blonde hair flowing around her, she sleeps peacefully, not a care in the world that the person's bed she is sharing is sat up looking at the neon green light displaying the time, 3:45am, the time is late or early whichever way you look at it but the date that is displayed in the smaller font which is driving me crazy, January 24th 2013, to some it's another day, to others it means a lot more.

To me it was the day that the hole appeared.

My mind is fuzzy, I can't see properly, I don't know whether that's because I am sleep deprived or the glassy layer that seems to be forming, amongst the haze I look at the clock once again and this time, the time and date morphed into a green line, up, down, up, down creating little peaks, indicating there is life, as the peaks disappear a straight flat line appears and a constant beep, I shake my head but I can't get the image out of my head, I can't stop the beep noise ringing in my ears, like all them months ago, like a whole year ago I remember holding her hand and putting my head down, this time there was no hand to hold, instead I rested my head back on the bed and all I could think was of her face. Right this moment any image would have been acceptable but the one that appeared. Weird how when you want to see a image of something and the first that one comes is not a happy one, not which would put a smile on your face but instead the one that would make it so real, the one where she lays helpless on the bed, the one where I can't do anything, the one where her features are defined by the artificial light source provided by the light hanging above her bed. There is no natural colour, no spark, her eyes are closed and I can't even see her icy blue eyes.

Her image is haunting me, I try to pick out the few moments we spent together, I pictured the time we went to that secluded beach where we wanted to be a normal couple, just for one day, I can see it now, white bikini, sat on the beach, deep in thought and then refusing to surf so instead we had a swim, I remember frolicking in the water, as I settled a little into the bed trying to continue the scene, I pictured the white sand stretched for miles, the tropical trees swaying gently to the beats of the wind, like a perfect orchestra, everything so calming, peaceful, as I take a dive into the water as I float back up, the image has suddenly changed and she is nowhere to be seen the image reflected on the surface of the water is that one where she lays helpless again, this time on the floor, blood pouring out and I'm trying to reach her.

As I reach the surface, I feel a jolt, and I'm back in the same room, I can hear Natalie's soft breath as she breathes in and out, so peaceful next to me. This time the glassy layer on my eye has disappeared instead a tear escaped down my cheek. This was not me, I don't cry, I don't do emotion, I don't do all this. It had been a whole year but why did it feel like it was just yesterday, why did it feel like it was just minutes since Ruby flicked the switch and the air escaped her mouth. It was like right now I could see that last breath escaping and her chest falling for one last time.

I couldn't stand it anymore, I got up of the bed, rubbed my hand across my face and as I brought it down I saw the tattoo on my hand, another reminder of her. Getting tattoos in the past held nothing significant and there was hardly ever any pain, but this one was different, I remember as the needle touched my skin, I could feel it already, like a million needles penetrating through the most sensitive part of the body. Lifting myself of the bed and walking out towards the living area, I settled on the couch, I shuffled a few times and then I got up, this couch where she told me she loved me, where she had made a joke of not dying, what was it she said, its only one more day, it won't kill me. The irony of it, never in a million years do you think this would happen to you, you just think that words are thrown around, they mean nothing but once they are spoken, then for some there is no going back. Don't you think if it were up to me I would have stopped her saying those words. If there were a slight inkling then I would have done anything. Anything so she was still here.

I sit on the chair in the kitchen instead and rest my head on the table, I dust away imaginary fluff, its just something to do, occupy my mind whilst I try to get the picture of her dying body out of my head, no avail.

-x-

Everything happens for a reason, whether we understand that reason or whether we just accept the concept there is nothing we can do to stop it, if it's meant to be it will happen.

When everything begins to look beautiful, when dreams you never dreamed become true, when your goals and your perception in your life change direction, even the wind will change its course, eyes search for a colour. This was the case for me, I was a river boy and then I met Charlie, she was the thing that looked beautiful, she was the dream that I never dreamt but it came true for me, my goals did change and my perception on life was not to get by being a gang leader but I wanted the whole family thing with her, amongst everything, every moment, every time there was only one name which escaped my lips and that's when I knew I was in love. It was a first and the feeling had overtaken me.

There was no use, thinking like the way I was didn't help. A silent house to drive me mental, waking the house wasn't an option either, being alone was but then who wants to be alone when they have been amongst the presence of people, amongst a certain person.

There was nothing else but to grab a beer, I tried to pry one out but it proved difficult so now the whole case of beer sat in front of me, teasing me to drink it. I picked the first bottle and took a swig, it felt good, it felt familiar. It was a form of release, I took small swigs and let the taste linger on my lips before swallowing, it surprised me how one thing could taste so different when in the mouth and there is a total different sensation when it travels down your throat. It was a bit like grief, always changing shape but never ending.

Somehow my thoughts lingered in the air and then I thought about somebody else, somebody who knew this feeling of grief to well, she might not have been able to forgive me, she might not have been able to look me in the eye, she might have blamed me for everything but there was no denying that I felt what she felt.

-x-

I walked the small path; I had been before and I had vowed that I would never stand here again but what happened I'm here again; there is nowhere else for me to go. I breathe in heavily, the air a lot chillier up here. I look around, the grass is as green as it could be, the odd flower sprouting, and I can see the water and the beach, looking at everything but avoiding what's in front of me. Why come here if I can't even look at it, why am I taunting myself, putting myself through the torture. I can't hold my gaze away any longer than I already have; slowly my eyes creep upon the slab of stone standing upright,

Charlotte 'Charlie' Buckton

Of tender Heart

and Courageous Spirit

7th June 1978

24th January 2012

I reread what it say's and then I look at the picture, effortless beauty; some might say I am biased but I had proof she was amazing.

I can't help myself, no matter how I try to scrunch my face, squint my eyes or look up into the sky to push back the tears it's not happening, I can't help it, I let them out.

''So here I am again, who would have thought me and your grave again'' I take out the lighter in my pocket and light the candle that rests on her grave, it must have been left by Ruby or someone. As the flame touched the wick, it was like the candle got a new lease of life, burning brightly as I took in my surroundings, trying to come up with words to say...

The entire journey up here all I could think of was a way I could bring her back, a way to unite, I wished there had been a way I could have stopped her, never let her go but there was nothing. I had planned a life for us; I didn't need to ask whether she would be happy because I knew she would be. We spoke about running away together, well I wanted to run away, all I wanted to do was tell her that I loved her and if she thought I was okay for her, I would have asked her to marry me, we would have breezed through life together but nah whilst I was picturing this she wes off out there making her own plans. What were her words, you and I are going to be free, well she was, she broke everything and left me confined to this world with all this hurt, my words, you and me are in this together meant so little to her that it was so easy for it to be just me now.

I couldn't help myself I sat down, I clasped my knees in my hands and I sat there looking at nothing in particular. I took out the bottle of bourbon I bought with me and I took a swig, I promised myself I wouldn't do this, I wouldn't drink but I was weak.

I can't help feeling the way I am right this moment, moving on was an option but forgetting her was not. I fell in love and I didn't think there would be any conditions, especially one where I would live longer than her, why was I feeling all this regret. Why was I so naive to have fallen in love because right now it feels like a mistake, the punishment so hard.

''Everyone keeps telling me to move on but they don't understand'' I told nobody in particular in the hope that this gaping hole would disappear, all I wanted was to be able to hug her, for her to tell me everything would be okay. If I could survive a whole year, a year where there was nothing short of drama then what's to say I couldn't wait another year or ten. People say with time the hurt goes, the pain disappears, that feeling of emptiness becomes so normal that you don't even realise it exists. I know time has moved on, I know I have woke up, lived each day, each day wasn't a day to come to terms with losing her, each day was one more away from her.

I sat on the grass, my eyes fixated on the headstone, waiting for a reaction, I don't get one, I continue swigging form the bottle of bourbon and with each swig it should make me feel full, like something washes over me but as the liquid empties from the bottle, the feeling in my body stays the same. Alone.

I watch as the candle burns which I lit when I arrived, slowly the wick burns, as I watch the flame I can hear footsteps, gentle, calming and they near, if I had the energy I would turn and tell them to leave, this was no place for anyone other than me to be here.

I feel someone sit beside me and from the corner of my eyes I can see that mane of wild hair, in all the time she had been away, she had done nothing to tame it down. A definite trait from her father's side.

''You came''

''I needed to see her''

''A year eh, who would have thought we would be sat here a year later together'' I spoke but it was to me more than anybody else.

I couldn't think of what I could say to her, did she want me to console her, tell her everything was going to be okay. Tell her we had survived a whole year, feelings between us were still raw, she never truly forgave me. Yes she said goodbye but in the same sentence she had told me she hated me, I took her mum, I might not have pulled the trigger but I killed her. We sat there in an uncomfortable silence, none of us saying anything but I could feel something, it was like a force trying to push us together, get a reaction from the two of us, I can't help myself but think Charlie is here, not in that grave six feet under but around us, maybe even next to us.

''Do you miss her?'' she broke the silence as she looked at me, I shrugged my shoulders, that tightness threatening to take over, I couldn't speak the words in case I broke down. I looked at her and somehow she understood that I was asking her the same question,

''I don't miss her at all'' she said simply, I didn't know what to make of this revelation, she didn't miss her. Was there a way that she had come to terms with this, was there a way she had learnt to not acknowledge that she ever existed, did I want to know this way.

''You only miss those who can be forgotten, I can count so easily how much I forget her every moment but then I realise that in every moment I try, she passes through them. Brax someone out there makes the decision, someone who knows best, you might have lit that candle but its me that burns, being away from her burns so when I say I don't miss her it's because this burning feeling is always there, she is always here but I am so alone, you have somebody to call your own, you have brothers''

''I don't have Charlie''

I watched as she let the tears free fall, not even wiping them away, I didn't know what to do, hug her maybe, would she perceive it well. Forget it, I thought to myself, I took a swig of my good old friend the bourbon, shuffled towards her and I put my arm around her, she didn't move away which was a good sign, she just continued to cry. My tears fell too, we cried different losses, it was hard to differentiate whether we cried because she was no longer with us, whether the tears represented the pain or was it the realisation that we were both so alone without her.

-x-

We sat there for a good couple of hours, not conversing much but just looking, watching and taking it all in. Deciding that we should get up and move, Ruby said her goodbye, it was simple, just a I love you and I will never forget you, she then left and I hoped she was not too far, I wanted to speak to her before she left again, this time speak to her properly.

''So I guess there's no point in saying I won't come again because we both know I can't keep away, you know I love you more than anything, above there somewhere amongst them angels you must be the fragrance of a thousand million hearts, but you should know that none of them will love you more than me, right now I have nothing to give you, we might be worlds apart, maybe universes, but you are out there somewhere amongst the beautiful beaches and you need to remember that there is somebody across the world that is willing to give his life up for you today''

I kissed my hand and then let it linger on the picture of her face, it sounded silly but I hoped she felt it.

-x-

When I got back to my Ute to drive back into town, Ruby wasn't there she had gone, I really needed to sort things out with her. As I made it back into town I went to Angelo's, informing John downstairs the restaurant was closed, I made my way upstairs, no guesses to what I did first, I picked up a glass and poured myself some of the alcohol. A lot of people turn to drink when there is no other option and I agree it is the best form of release, well I did think so until it proved me wrong.

After she died, I drunk so that I could stay on, I can look at this world, tolerate the harshness it had served me, live the life of hurt, all in the hope that the intoxication would help me lose my senses, all so that I could forget her, but it didn't help, what could I do, even today when I'm drinking trying to get to that state of stupor, her memories are such that they don't allow me to lose my senses, even then they haunt me, is this what Ruby meant when she said, when we try to forget her we can't because she is in every moment we think about.

I heard footsteps; again, it was like the story of my life, every time I'm alone somebody would come, sometimes it would make me happy, other times not.

One particular time it did make me happy, I remember it clearly, she left and not long after she returned, the clicking of her heels and that girly giggle she did as she made her way over to me slightly tipsy from the alcohol she had indulged in, it was her birthday scene, I licked my lips as I could still taste her, it was like her euphoria was embedded in me. A smile crept up on my face as I thought of her and then I saw my reflection on the shiny bar surface, there was a smile, but I was gaunt looking, I had these massive bags under my eyes and I could see a green line running across my face and then it all came back rushing again, that emptiness reminding me it was still here.

''Where have you been?'' I looked up and it was not who I wanted to see, but she was here, I shrugged my shoulders and then just looked down again,

''Brax, I'm talking to you'' she said and I could tell she wanted to shout but tried to contain it all in,

''Natalie I'm not in the mood''

''You never are, I'm sorry but sometimes you need to realise that there are two of us in this relationship and I am sick of always making the effort''

''Well you know where the door is'' I replied bluntly, I watched as she stood there gobsmacked that I could so easily say them words, I could tell her outbreak was definitely one that had been bubbling up for a while, one which she had contained in and now all of a sudden she just burst, I didn't blame her because sometimes it was a one man band, she made the effort, I just went along with it, I care about her a lot but what can you do, there are some girls that have good figures, others have a good personality, another might have great legs but when you have had one girl who had everything, the full package, it's difficult to be able to show the same level of feelings to another. Natalie was amazing, her personality, her no nonsense attitude, she was brilliant but there was that something missing, she wasn't Charlie.

''I'm so over this, you have no right to talk to me like that, who the hell do you think you are?'' she didn't let me respond and I watched her retreating figure leave, I saw her brush past Ruby who had appeared, I saw the awkwardness on her face as she walked towards me, settling herself on the stool she just looked at me and for the first time since Charlie had died I met her eyes properly.

''You need to let go, Brax this will destroy you'' I listened as I could hear the plea in her voice, what was she asking me to do,

''Ruby I can't, you don't understand, I close my eyes and she is there, I see her when I open them too, I don't know whether it's madness or whatever but I just keep searching for her''

''Nobody is telling you to completely forget her, you loved her''

'Not loved, I love her still'' I corrected her,

''No, she isn't here for you to love her, you will feel it again, it won't be the same but it will happen''

''Ruby to me it doesn't matter she isn't here with me today, I still love her the same way, it's not because I can't find someone new, I have found an amazing girl but loving your mum makes me happy, I don't expect anyone to understand but it brings me some peace, knowing that even though she isn't here I haven't given up on her''

''Brax not every path leads to happiness, your just setting out to destroy yourself by still being hung up on her, she would want you to move on''

''She would also not want me to give up on life and for me she is my life so why are you asking me to give up on my love''

I could feel it again, it was like losing that battle which you know in your mind you have lost but your heart tells you maybe just maybe there is something worth fighting for. It was like just over a year ago when I had spoken words of the same nature, you can't just give up on her like this, I won't let you, and now I was there again, this time it was memories of her they wanted me to let go which was proving to be harder.

''Brax I'm telling you to make room, not give up on her, can't you tell, the way you love Charlie, that's the way Natalie loves you''

I scoffed a little, whether it was in arrogance or not,

''She fell in love with you Brax''

''Yeah and I never gave her the indication that I would love her back, I don't know how to stop loving Charlie, so if she can't accept that...'' I didn't finish off what I wanted to say, instead I just let her interpret that the way she wished,

''My mum will always have a special place in your heart but that doesn't mean Natalie can't be a part of your life''

I looked at her and it made me realise that this was the longest conversation that we had ever had in the whole year since Charlie died, she was telling me to move on, surely if she didn't mean it she wouldn't say it, I mean it would take a lot of courage to be able to stand there and tell someone that they are happy for you to move on, it was like she was giving me her blessing but there was one thing playing on my mind, I still felt that Ruby still blamed me for her mum dying, I don't know whether this would help but I was going to give it a shot, maybe just maybe I needed to sort things out with Ruby and maybe I would be able to then take another step in my life.

''I'm sorry Ruby''

''For what'' she asked a little surprised with the direction that the conversation had taken,

''For what happened to your mum, I know I have apologized many times, it won't bring her back and me keep on apologizing doesn't make me neither big or small but I would love for you to forgive me, Ruby your asking me to make space for Natalie, then I am asking the same from you, I would love for you to forgive me too''

''Brax you are always going to be a part of my life, in case you hadn't noticed I don't have any family apart from you, I was stupid and foolish but I'm back and we will work through this together'' I looked at her, her words meant a lot to me but I needed to hear her say them words, only then I would be able to know she meant it,

''I forgive you,''

I walked around from the bar and she stood up as I gave her a hug, she reciprocated and that's when I felt maybe just maybe we was going to be okay.

In this life everybody needs somebody, so the people that had gone, I was not about to let them go, but those that were here I was going to hold on to them tightly too.

''I won't ever give up on you Ruby, I''ll always look after you whether you like it or not, we are family''

I hugged her tightly and this time I closed my eyes, I saw her and it was not like any other time I had pictured her today, with the green line taking over, it was the first time I ever saw her, right here, in this bar, and from that moment I knew my life had changed, just like now, I knew my life was going to go to a new direction but she would always be a part of it. She was my world and there was still room for her today.

-x-

I hope that was okay. I had my doubts about it and was a little aprehensive in posting but its done now so I would love to see what people think, just drop me a quick review even if it one word saying hate atleast I'll know, thank you...

P.S just want to say a big thanks to Lor who read it for me before I posted...