Episode One: "Total Drama… Ten Years Later!"
The sky shined bright as Chris McLean stood on a dock of a fairly nondescript island in the middle of seemingly nowhere. No islands, boats, shores, or anything appeared in the distance. Chris looked at every single camera, completely unaware of everything around him.
"Wow McLean, lookin' goooood!" Chris gushed, slicking back his hair. "Not a single wrinkle! Ten years looks like two minutes for the Chris-ster!"
"Uh, Chris? We're rolling," A nameless intern said from out of frame.
"Huh? Well why didn't you tell me?" Chris said. "You're fired, dude! Geez, where can I get some good interns around here?"
The camera dropped to the ground and a loud sobbing was heard as footsteps rushed away. Another intern picked up the camera and Chris simply smiled at it.
"We can cut that out right?" Chris asked. "Of course we can, whatever. Um… yo! It's Chris McLean and we are back, baby! Oh yeah! Ten years ago we began the first season of Total Drama at Camp Wawanakwa! Those twenty-two contestants, full of fan favorites… lovable production pets… and also Tyler… yeah they're all washed up now so none of them are back! Haha! Yeah, instead we decided to bring in eighteen NEW teens to an all new island to compete for One! Million! Dollars!"
Chris walked across the dock, "That's right, eighteen new contestants, a whole new island, same lovable host, that's me! Chris McLean! Also Chef's back too, but who cares about him, right?"
Chef grimaced, "The only reason I'm back is back is 'cause of your jank ass contract! I want a raise!"
"Sure buddy, we can discuss this… never!" Chris exclaimed. "Anyways, they'll be here any time now, so, let's meet the cast of Total! Drama! Notan Island!"
Suddenly, the camera is on a large yacht. The yacht is named the "S.S. Chris", and is decked out in every possible way. The eighteen contestants were seen in various parts of the boat. Near the pool sat three equally awkward teens. Lounging in a small sunbathing chair was Kyle, a tall, sort of broad, white guy wearing glasses, a black t-shirt, and black slacks. The other two were sitting on the edge of the pool. One, Milo, a short bald black guy wearing a black hoodie and jeans, and the other, Marshall, an even shorter ginger guy with a bowl cut, a button down shirt, and khakis.
"So to make a long story short, that's what makes Total Drama THE best social experiment of all time!" Marshall, the ginger, enthused. "And why I, Marshall S. Jenkins, WILL win it!"
"First boot, calling it now," Kyle said dully. "Can you say... overplayer?"
"Oh, shut up you jerk!" Marshall spazzed. "You just don't know TRUE genius when you see it! My mind has evolved beyond those of the typical person… you guys just wouldn't get it. Do you want me to kick you off first?!"
"I think you might be thinking a bit too highly of yourself…" Milo said.
"Oh, so it's a contest between the two of you now?" Marshall exclaimed. "You'll BOTH be my first victims…"
Milo looked at Marshall, thoroughly confused.
Marshall: "I am THE biggest Total Drama superfan of all time, I have studied this game for years and I have boiled it down to an absolute science. I know EXACTLY what to do at all turns. Nothing will get by me. These little JERKS won't get the better of me!"
Milo: "Honestly, these people… aren't exactly my crowd. They're all super loud, and I'm just not. However, I'm confident in my abilities and I know I've got what it takes to take it all here." Milo smiled faintly.
Kyle: "People didn't win this game by sticking to a plan," Kyle crossed his arms. "In fact, I'd go as far as to say that half the winners of this show didn't know what the hell they were doing. So I'm just gonna go all in here, do whatever the hell I feel like and see what sticks, you know?"
Meanwhile, on another part of the boat four more teens were gathered in a small group. Two of them, a tall obese white guy with greasy brown hair and coke-bottle glasses named Carl and a very short, skinny, pale white girl with buzzed pink hair and very tacky colorful clothes stood mere inches apart yelling at each other while a tall, lanky black girl with long black hair named Ivory stood by half watching, half reading a novel. Within the area Anthony, a tall muscular black guy stood, flexing with only a pair of black basketball shorts on.
"C'mon m'lady!" Carl pleaded to D'arcy. "You look so nice and sweet, I know that we would be so good together!"
"Eaugh!" D'arcy began to bat Carl away from her. "Disgusting degenerate male! Keep your sweaty disgusting mitts off me! You're not entitled to my body by existing!"
"Seriously?!" Carl exclaimed. "I complimented you, asked how you were doing, and this is the thanks I get? Typical female. I should've expected nothing less…"
"What the fuck do you mean by that?" D'arcy said, starting to get in Carl's face. "You're nothing but a disgusting misogynist pig!"
Carl: "Females are so hard to gauge. I, as a meninist, have no time to think of female's feelings unless I'm going to get something out of it. That's what my buddies on r/incel said. They know how to pull all the females!"
D'arcy: "Ugh! I came to this game to get AWAY from all the disgusting pigs like that disgusting loser! I was hoping for a vacation with some womyn who were just like ME! The most diverse way there is! Now I have to deal with… men! Dammit!"
As the two continued to argue, Ivory began to look at them, clearly irritated with the situation. Anthony looked at her and began winking obnoxiously. "C'mon babe, let's leave them and go do our own thing, you feel?"
"I don't like you," Ivory said bluntly, returning to her book.
Anthony looked at her angrily and began flexing harder, "You can't resist the Anthony! No woman can!"
"I can and I will," Ivory said, not even looking up. Anthony gasped. "Muscle bound losers like you aren't my thing."
"How rude," Anthony simply said before walking away.
Ivory: "People suck. I don't like them, hell I don't even really want to talk to them. But for the money? Of course. That's the only reason I'm here."
Anthony: "Yep, take it all in. That's all me baby, 24/7 g. All natural and everything, my tank top says it! Ya see, I'm basically the most attractive guy on earth so I'm gonna use that to my advantage! Time to woo the girls! Yeah!" Anthony flexed.
Near the captain's quarters stood a jukebox, and two large muscular guys dancing around it. One, Jared, being black and extremely tall with a small afro and the other, Evan, being white with long blonde hair. A lanky blonde girl with flowers in her hair and wearing tie-dyes named Ziggy was also dancing. A small, Asian girl with short black hair and thick rimmed glasses, Sue-Li sat in the general area.
"Hell yeah brotendo! We basically have like, everything in common!" Evan exclaimed. "We both like chicks, parties, and brewskis with the fellas! Yeah!"
"I know, right? Glad to see someone on this boat ain't a fucking loser!" Jared said loudly over the music.
"You're both idiots," Sue Li said.
"Damn, broski, party pooper!" Evan said as he stopped dancing.
"Agreed," Jared said. "Who let the fucking geeks on the boat anyways? Isn't this just a vacation for cool people?"
Evan: "Dude, life's a party man and I'm the guy for that! I'm out here just to have a good time and maybe get a little extra dough on the side. It's so sick!"
"What?" Sue-Li said. "You think this is just a vacation? Seriously? This is a gam for a million bucks!"
"One million bucks?" Evan exclaimed. "Oh snap hell yeah!" Evan and Jared high fived.
"Regardless, you best be moving along, geek," Jared said.
"Don't tell me what to do, especially considering your IQ is likely in the lower 70s," Sue-Li retorted.
"Jokes on you, geek, I don't know what that means!" Jared exclaimed. "Wait-"
Suddenly, Ziggy walked in between the three. "Come on, fellow contestants. Let us not fight! We have plenty of time to get well acquainted with one another. But we must be peaceful, and become one with the cosmos." The three just stared at Ziggy for a long time, awkwardly.
"Either way, don't talk to me, nerd," Jared said, finally. Sue-Li rolled her eyes and went back to what she was doing.
Jared: "Honestly, fuck that little bitch man. She has no idea who shes talking to. I'm the CAPTAIN of the FOOTBALL TEAM at my school. What is she? Some second rate math nerd. I bet those aren't even real glasses!"
Sue-Li: "Jocks are all the same, they just think they can stomp all over us and make it be okay. It's just like high school, they're all the same… well guess what? We aren't in high school anymore, we're on Total Drama. This is my domain, and I'm gonna win."
Ziggy: "I sense a great disturbance in this game. Many people shall be hurt greatly if they don't change their ways and submit to the positive vibes I am giving out! It's just nature's way. I have to allow for positivity and growth to cultivate in this game, and I shall do anything to make that happen!"
At the opposite end of the boat sat multiple extremely awkward teens in near dead silence. One of them, Lyn, a small asian girl with very long hair wearing extremely bright colors, was bouncing up and down in excitement while Dawson, a tall ginger with long hair wearing all grey, was nearly folded up in a heap on a lawn chair. Clementine, a tall hispanic girl with an afro and very plain clothes stood looking at the ocean.
"This isn't happening this isn't happening this isn't happening this isn't happ-" Dawson chanted to himself hypnotically.
"This IS happening!" Lyn screamed enthusiastically. "Can you believe it? We're on Total Drama Island! This is absolutely insane! I'm soooooooo excited, aren't you?"
Dawson: "I'll be honest, I didn't sign up for this show. In fact, I didn't want to be here in the first place! It was just suggested by my therapist that I should go on here for some social interaction or something but like… I'm scared. I'm not used to this before! I just hope I can make the most of this…"
Lyn: "Hiiiii hi hi! I'm Lyn! I'm so incredibly psyched to be here! Woo hoo! I love love LOVE TV and so I'm excited to finally be on TV! I remember watching Total Drama back in like, the day when I was like 6 and I was just like 'oh my god that's so cool I wanna do that!' and here I am and it's so cool!"
Suddenly, a tall, model-esque blonde wearing a blue dress and high heels stood up from an adjacent chair and started screaming. "I am NOT excited at all! I hate this place!"
"Really? Really really really really REALLY?!" Lyn pestered. "I think this is so fun!"
"Ugh!" Vanessa exclaimed. "I cannot BELIEVE I am stuck here! My lawyers won't allow this to go on any longer!" Vanessa suddenly answered her cell phone, which began ringing. "What? What do you mean 'it's in my contract to appear'?! Who's side are you even on? Ugh!"
"You didn't read the contract?" Clementine asked. "I thought it was stated pretty clearly…"
"Well you know what?" Vanessa exclaimed. "Reading is for LOSERS so I don't bother with it! That's what my professional readers are for."
"Professional readers?" Clementine asked.
"Yeah, I know you PEONS don't have them but us who like to live lavishly do!" Vanessa replied.
"Oh… wow…" Clementine said, looking away.
Vanessa: "Ugh! I wanted to come on here to be even more rich and famous than I already am, but I thought this was the show with the HOUSE! Not the one with the disgusting run down summer camp garbage! I don't wanna do this shit! I wanna go home!"
Clementine: "I know I appear pretty normal… but I'm ACTUALLY a world renowned chess champ! I have three world titles and I'm here to prove you can apply something like chess to a reality game. It's exciting, quite frankly. But I know I have this wrapped up already."
Next to the pool sat the last three campers. Two of them were sitting in lounge chairs, Misty, a tall white girl wearing all blue with dyed blue hair, and James, an overall average white guy with dyed purple hair and wearing odd white clothes that resemble a space suit. The other, Wednesday, a sort of chubby goth with too much makeup and shoulder length black and green hair, sat criss-cross under an umbrella.
"The world is a fart. I hate modern art. I want to die. My favorite bread is rye. Augh!" Wednesday said dramatically. "So, what'd you think?"
"Um…" James stammered. "It's… great. Just great."
"So nothing of any note here…" Misty scribbled in a small notebook. "This place seems totally devoid of anything remotely interesting…"
Wednesday: "I am here to promote my poetry. That's it. I hate the sun. I hate fun. I hate life. I hate knife. Fin. Thank you."
"So like, who are you?" Misty said, turning to James and raising her pen and notepad. "Got any interesting stories?"
"Oh boy do I!" James suddenly perked up. "Do you wanna hear every single intricate detail about space!?"
"Are there aliens involved?" Misty asked.
"Well… no, but-" James began, but was immediately cut off by Misty.
"Then I'm not interested," Misty said. "I need the hard hitting stories here if I'm gonna make anything out of this stupid trip!"
Misty: "Misty Rogers, ace reporter here! I'm here to get the hot takes and scoops of this competition, but I'm also here to win! I'll do whatever it takes to get myself to victory! People will know my name at the end of this!"
James: "You probably already know me, youngest astronaut ever ring a bell? Whatever, James Moto, Luminary of the Stars here! Y'know, I don't really know what exactly to do here… so I'm just gonna play with my heart and see what happens! Sometimes you gotta be reckless to make your dreams a reality!"
"Really?" James said. "Implying that literal space travel is not worthy of the news?"
"Well that's all been reported on before!" Misty said. "I have big aspirations, I'm the best so I gotta get the best, you feel me?"
"Well you got the best right here! James Moto, luminary of the stars!" James exclaimed indignantly.
"Prove it," Misty said.
"Oh, I will. In due time!" James said, standing up and raising his hand to the sky. "James Moto, the luminary of the stars shall show everyone he's the greatest!"
"Sure…" Misty said. Suddenly the boat screeched to a stop at the dock of Notan Island.
Chris McLean gestured for them all to get off the boat, and eventually he and the eighteen teens gathered in the campfire area of the camp. Six stumps sat in front of a small podium, there was a large archway at the beginning of a trail that led to the dock.
"Welcome… to Total! Drama! Notan Island!" Chris said, dramatically. "Isn't it exciting?"
"Yes!" Lyn screamed. Many people made disgusted facial expressions.
"Well at least someone has enthusiasm," Chris McLean said. "Anyways! This is Notan Island. A wonderful little island we found in the middle of nowhere off the coast of Nova Scotia! And it's also your home for the next six weeks!"
"Wait, seriously?!" Vanessa exclaimed. "Where's like… my private estate?"
"Over there," Chris gestured to a small, dusty looking cabin that sat next to an identical cabin. "If by private estate you mean dingy little cabin you'll have to share with nine people! Haha!"
"No!" Vanessa screamed. "Why? Come on!"
"Stop whining, jeeeeeez," Chris said. "Anyways! Here's the dealio. You guys are gonna be spending the next six weeks here at Notan Island's Camp McLean-Yes, that's right, Camp McLean-competing in challenges for a million dollars! You guys are gonna be divided in teams and the winning teams get killer rewards and some nice swag, while the losers have to join me here! Here, at the campfire, everyone but one person will receive a coveted marshmallow. The person who does not receive a marshmallow must immediately gather their belongings and walk down the Dock of Shame, board the Boat of Losers, and leave. You're out! No million bucks, no relevance, no stardom, whatever! You're done-zo!"
"Any self respecting Total Drama contestant already KNOWS that McLean," Marshall said. "If they don't know that then they don't even deserve to be here!"
"Well if everyone was an annoying super fan like you, we wouldn't be pulling flies here, kid," Chris said dully. "Anyways, any questions?!"
"Um… do we get a jukebox?!" Evan asked.
"Maybe if you actually win something!" Chris answered.
"Righteous," Evan said. He and Jared fist bumped.
Everyone else stood there, more or less completely silent. The only noise being Dawson's teeth legitimately chattering. "What? I'm nervous…"
"About what?" Clementine asked.
"Yeah!" Chris chimed in. "It's not like we've had any injuries on this show or anything…"
"That's a complete lie," Marshall corrected. "If you're going to lie to the poor sucker, at least make it convincing."
"You know what I'm two seconds away from throwing you down the dock myself!" Chris exclaimed, pointing at Marshall. "Zip it!"
Marshall looked shocked. "Yessir!"
"Anyways!" Chris said. "It's time to divide you all up into teams! If I call your name, stand over there in the grass!"
Chris opened up a small folded up piece of paper in his shirt pocket. "Evan! James!"
Evan fist pumped while he and James walked over.
"Misty! Ziggy! Carl!"
The three walked over quietly.
"Please don't be me please don't be me ple-" D'arcy quietly chanted to himself.
"And… D'arcy!" Chris said, laughing. D'arcy immediately went pale.
"M'lady!" Carl called from the other side of the camp.
D'arcy: "I'm writing a strongly worded letter to your producers for this! #SocialChange!"
"You six will now be known as… The Terrible Tigers!" Chris exclaimed.
"Tigers aren't terrible!" Ziggy frowned. "Tigers are majestic beings!"
"Yeah sure whatever," Chris said. "Next tribe! Go stand near the stumps! Lyn! Wednesday!"
Lyn fluttered over as Wednesday slowly moped her way to the stumps.
"Dawson, Milo!"
The two walked over.
"Vanessa, and… Marshall!"
"What if I don't want to be on any team!" Vanessa said. "You gonna send me home now?"
"Sorry, no can do bro," Chris said. "It's in the contract! No quitters!"
"What?!" Vanessa exclaimed. "Since when?"
"Since… whenever I said it!" Chris said. "If you'll notice there's a 'Chris Can Change the Contract" clause, or C4 for short. More or less, I make the rules out here!"
"Ugh," Vanessa sulked as she walked over to the others with Marshall. Marshall began grinning wildly as he looked at his team.
Marshall: "The perfect team to manipulate… hahaha! This game is falling right into my hands!"
Milo: "We're doomed, aren't we."
"And that leave six of you," Chris said. "Clementine, Ivory, Sue-Li, Jared, Kyle, and Anthony! You six are the Leaping Lizards!"
"Honestly I'd prefer to be called the Awesome Anthonys," Anthony said. "I think it suits our team's strong suits better…"
"Pfft, whatever," Sue-Li snarked.
"Are you doubting the team?!" Anthony exclaimed. "More importantly, are you doubting ME?!"
"I don't think that's what she meant-" Clementine began.
"Man, lack of team spirit on this team from the ladies…" Jared said.
Jared: "Looks like I'm gonna have to whip this team up into shape by getting rid of the dead weight… the ladies. All three have bad attitudes I don't tolerate on the field OR off!"
"Alright! There's just a couple more things to take care of," Chris said. "For one, there on the other side of camp is the mess hall and the communal washrooms. The mess hall serves food at specific times so get there or you don't eat! The communal washrooms are there for everyone's benefit, don't forget to bathe. You all stink as it is."
"What? I don't stink!" Vanessa exclaimed.
"I didn't mean exclusively you, but if the shoe fits I guess…" Chris laughed. "Also, the two cabins over there? One is for the dudes, and the other for the chicks! Both are equally crappy so it doesn't matter which is which. So go ahead and move in!"
In the boys cabin, the guys are all putting their bags on various bunks. Evan and Jared high five yet again, and the guys all look around.
"Ah yes, a cabin with just us men in it," Carl said, relieved. "No females to judge us for what we are!"
"Hell yeah! A bro's cabin!" Jared exclaimed. "For bros! I'm stoked!"
"Let's party, bro!" Evan exclaimed. "Where are the brewskis!"
"Dude, we're at summer camp, they don't have beer," Kyle said. "Though if they did… that'd make the strategizing part much more fun…"
"I'm gonna be sick," Dawson said, running out of the cabin.
Dawson: "Honestly, all that… bro-iness was getting to me. I needed out for a minute, but when I left I just saw Marshall…"
Marshall was then seen standing by a flagpole which was situated in the middle of camp, cackling to himself. "This game shall be mine!"
"Huh?" Dawson said. Marshall suddenly turned around.
"Oh, you're here?" Marshall said. "Surprised to see you still up and walking, spazz attack. Well, you heard it here first what I've been preaching this entire time! This game is mine, best to get on the train while you can."
Dawson then passed out immediately.
Marshall: "Dawson is weak, all the better for a useless minion! I swear, today just keeps getting better and better!"
Meanwhile back in the cabin, "Remember guys, let's not let the game get to us!" James exclaimed. "For at the end of this, we are all just teens vying for a prize in the end! As leader of this cabin, it's my duty-"
"Wait who said YOU were leader of the cabin?" Jared asked.
"Well, I mean I am the most qualified after all…" James said.
"No, I am! I'm hot!" Anthony exclaimed.
"Oh, pipe down, we need a superior intellect," Carl said. "That's me!"
James: "There is absolutely no way that I am letting someone like Jared be the leader of the men here! I am the only one who can! I mean… come on!"
Suddenly all the guys began arguing, the entire cabin descended into chaos until they began hearing an even louder commotion coming from the girls cabin.
"Wait… you hear that?" Milo asked. "I think it's coming from the girls cabin."
"What do you mean YOU get the top bunk, facing the ocean?!" Vanessa screamed. "I NEED that bunk or I will literally NOT be able to sleep!"
"I don't care," Sue-Li said bluntly. "You're not getting it, in fact, I'm ready to keep it even more now."
"Ugh! This is SO unfair!" Vanessa exclaimed. "I'll remember that, bitch!"
"Wonderful," Sue-Li retorted. "I'll be shocked if you really do."
"Come on guys really?" Lyn said loudly from across the cabin. "Let's all just be happy happy happy, this is our dream right?!"
"Oh, shut up…" Wednesday sulked on her bunk. "Hope is for presidents and dreams are for people who are sleeping."
"Oh wow that's actually kind of deep," Misty said.
"No it's NOT!" Lyn said. "It's pessimism, and I won't tolerate it!"
Lyn: "These girls are all so negative! They need to take a step back and look on the bright side of life!"
"Come on girls!" D'arcy piped up. "Get it together! We're losing it! We need to stand strong TOGETHER or we will just fall to the patriarchal rule of those FILTHY men! Especially that no good fat neckbeard loser! Come on, womyn! Let's stand together #WithHer!"
"Wait what?" Clementine asked. "I'm sorry, but isn't #WithHer like… two years ago?"
"Shut up!" D'arcy exclaimed. "Are you a Trump supporter or something? Or should I say… LITERALLY Hitler?"
"Well no but-" Clementine began.
"Then you're #WITHHER!" D'arcy screamed.
"O-kay then…" Clementine said.
D'arcy: "God it's hard getting all these strong womyn together to do what I want them to do, which is be themselves!"
Clementine: "D'arcy seems to definitely have a chip on her shoulder… I can use that to my advantage, but in due time. Not now…"
Meanwhile, in the mess hall of Camp McLean, Chris McLean is seen standing alone. "Well, day one of Total Drama Notan Island down and it's already shaping up to be a spicy one! Who will come out on top, and who will come out on the pitiful, pitiful bottom? Well, find out next time on… Total! Drama! Notan Island!"
The screen faded to black.