"What about this one?"
"Too frilly."
"This one?"
"Are you kidding? It's practically see-through!"
Illyana Rasputin tossed her long, silky blond tresses over her shoulder and grinned at her good friend, Kitty Pryde. "You're saying that like it's a bad thing," she said mischievously, hanging the fish-net tank top on the store rack.
The two friends were spending a crisp, but sunny, spring afternoon at the mall. They had spent most of their time in Kitty's favorite vintage clothing store. Together, they browsed racks and shelves of different tops, sweaters, and jeans for Illyana, who recently experienced a rather unusual growth spurt. The excursion for clothing was to help the younger Rasputin update her wardrobe and to lessen the need for her to raid Kitty's closet.
The young Russian blonde had certainly changed in the past few months, thanks to her time with Belasco. The cherubic-faced, seven-year-old was now a leggy teenager. Though she wasn't strictly beautiful, there was something endlessly pleasing about her face, something eternal in the vista of her wide forehead and planed cheekbones and smoked-glass, blue eyes. Her limbs and fingers were now long, and even in her black, rubber flip-flops, her arches and ankles were elegant.
Gone was the wide-eyed innocence of the child that first came to the mansion with her older brother, Peter. She was replaced by a girl who was quiet, almost secretive, which was evident in her reticence to talk about what happened to her in Limbo. This new Illyana was aloof at times, making biting comments when confronted with situations that were not to her liking. But she was fiercely loyal, particularly to her brother, friends, and teammates.
While there were some who were still getting accustomed to the teenage Illyana, Kitty immediately connected with this girl. She liked this Illyana's sense of humor and the twinkle of mischief in her eyes. Now that the age difference between them went from eight to two years, she found it easier to talk to Peter's "little snowflake". Not only did they have more in common to talk about, but the younger girl's English had improved vastly.
Yet, there was something about the younger Rasputin that was dark, but at the same time, very intriguing. It was as if she had experienced things that made her seem much older than she appeared to be. One could see it in her face or hear it in her voice. Something happened to this girl that made her different from the guileless child she once was.
While some of the New Mutants were wary of her because of this, Kitty was not. She simply attributed to the girl's personality to the storm and stress of adolescent life, which was exacerbated by being a mutant. As someone who was experiencing it herself, she could certainly relate. Instead of turning away from her, she invited the younger girl to share her room.
The decision ended up leading to the strengthening and maturing of their friendship. No longer acting as the doting older sister surrogate, Kitty was free to establish a rapport that was more casual and laid back. She could giggle and talk freely with this girl. In short, she could be a fifteen-year-old girl who liked U2 and Billy Joel, read Camus and Cosmopolitan, and enjoyed both figuring out complex, mathematical equations and finding out the latest fads. When she was with Illyana, she did not have to continue playing the role of Kitty the teacher or Kitty the X-Man. She could be... herself.
"Katya?" Illyana's girlish voice shattered her musings. The blonde peered at her quizzically as she held up a camisole with black-and-white geometric print and a black, miniskirt. "What about this outfit?"
Kitty raised a brow, wrinkling her slightly upturned nose in disapproval. "OK with the top, but no to the skirt. Your brother would never forgive me if I let you get that."
"He doesn't have to know," Illyana said impishly, winking.
The brunette shook her head, ponytail swinging. She gently pried the skirt from her roommate's hands and hung it back on a nearby rack. "Nice try." Then she glanced at the slim Fossil watch around her wrist. "Speaking of whom, we should get back to the mansion soon."
The young Russian gathered the clothes she had selected for purchase and followed the wiry girl towards the check-out counter. "Why?" she inquired, dropping the items in front of the cashier, a pink-haired girl with multiple piercings in her face.
"We're going out tonight," Kitty said nonchalantly.
Illyana's brows knitted together. "What do you mean 'going out'?"
"I mean he asked me to go out to the diner for dinner and then to the movies. He wants to see that Space Invaders one." It was odd that Peter would choose that kind of film given his last assignment involved visiting a distant planet with his team.
Illyana's blue eyes suddenly darkened. "So, it is like a date?"
A blush stained Kitty's freckled cheeks. "I'm not sure if date is quite the word, really. I mean, we're friends."
"But it sounds like a date. He asked you out...to dinner and a movie. That's a date." The words were slow to come out of Illyana's mouth.
"I guess if you put it that way, but it's Peter."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"He's a friend."
"Sounds like you want to change that."
"What? No, I don't."
"Then why did you say yes to him?"
"I said yes because I wanted to leave the mansion on a Friday night and do something fun with a friend."
"Do something fun?"
"I was talking about dinner and the movie. You know, something different than hanging out in one of the rec rooms, eating pizza and watching Roberto and Sam play video games."
"So, going out with Peter is better than that?"
"No, I didn't say that."
"But you meant it."
Kitty was perplexed as she stared at the glowering face of the pale, blonde beauty standing at her side. "What is with you?"
Before Illyana could say anything, the cashier piped up, "That'll be sixty-two dollars and twenty cents. Cash or credit?"
Half an hour later, the two roommates returned to the quarters they shared inside the mansion. The walls were a creamy shade of white, which offset the modern floral prints and rosy solids of the canopy beds against the back wall. Pine furnishings, such as their desks, bookshelves, and side tables, complimented the walls and bedding. Framed photographs of various members of the X-Men hung on the wall along with movie posters. A cluttered bulletin board contained postcards, concert ticket stubs, photographs, notes, and magazine clippings.
A stony-faced Kitty marched past Illyana and towards her closet on her side of the room. The argument they had in the store was still fresh in her mind. She hated being grilled like that over something that was completely innocent. Who did Illyana think she was, putting her on the defensive like that? She was old enough to make her own decisions, to risk her life in the name of a great dream. Since when was she supposed to be answer for what she did outside of her duties as an X-Man and her studies?
What made things worse was the fact that the younger girl had to make a scene, her voice becoming increasingly louder and louder. Kitty felt as if her friend was channeling her mother, needling her about this outing with Peter. Her face burned with embarrassment as she recalled her mortification when the cashier smirked at them. Quickly, Kitty laid out the cash the Professor had given her, collected the change and stormed out of the store with Illyana in tow.
The bus ride home from the mall to the bottom of the hill from where the mansion was located was drowned in silence. Gone was the giggly repartee that had existed between them. Their smiles were replaced with scowls as each girl made a point to sit far from one another. When Kitty pulled the cable above her to signal the driver of their stop, she was quick to dash out of the bus so that she would not have to walk alongside Illyana.
As she pulled out a sea-green tank top and a pair of cargo pants to wear for tonight, Kitty bit her lower lip in frustration. She hated being angry like this. There was nothing more she wanted than to put this ugly episode behind her. But she knew that caving in was not the answer. After all, she was not the one who had initiated the fight. She had been the one who had been attacked for no reason.
Heading to their private bathroom to change, she cast a glance at Illyana, who was lying on her bed with her eyes closed and listening to her radio. Her chest suddenly became heavy when her hopes of the other girl apologizing were dashed. She sighed and slipped into the bathroom. Quickly, she pulled on the selected outfit for the evening and took down her long, golden-brown waves. A dab of lip gloss and an application of clear mascara completed her preparation.
Kitty phased through the door and walked to her dresser to grab her wallet and keys. She took one last look at Illyana. Much to her dismay, the blonde seemed rather oblivious to her distress. Clenching her fists tightly, Kitty darted to the bedroom door and phased through it.
Illyana opened her eyes, turning her head towards Kitty's side of the room. Though she had acted rather unaware of her roommate, she was able to sense the emotions the older girl projected. Sitting up and removing her headphones, the young Russian rose from her bed and walked towards the door. She pressed her ear against the oak, hoping to hear Kitty's footfalls echoing towards their room.
To her disappointment, Kitty did not return.
The blonde felt her chin tremble and her body slid down so that she was sitting on the floor against the door. Her tiny hands raked through her silky, flaxen locks before cupping her ears. She began breathing rapidly, as if she could not get enough air in her lungs. Then she began mumbling a string of words, not known to anyone except to herself and the world she left behind.
Suddenly, a hairbrush from her dresser levitated in the air and slammed against the wall over Kitty's bed.
Illyana felt her face grow warm as she drew her knees to her chest. This day had gone so wrong. It was supposed to be perfect. They had spent most of the day together, talking and laughing while picking out new clothes. Just the two of them. But then Kitty had to bring up that she had a date. With, of all people, Peter. As she struggled to fight off the sobs that were now wracking her body, the young Russian mulled over her thoughts as to how unfair the situation was. It did not seem right at all.
Because, the younger Rasputin mused between whimpers, she should have been the one going out with Kitty Pryde tonight.
She often curled into her pillow at night, occupied with thoughts of her friend. They often revolved around when she would see her again, planning what she will wear and what kinds of things they would talk about. It was uncertain to her at times how much she wanted the beautiful brunette or how much she desired to be close to her energy. All she knew was that the lovely Katya has changed her life in ways that went beyond any kind of magic available to her.
While most people perceived their closeness as akin to that of being best friends, Illyana knew there was something more. She didn't spend a great deal of time with anyone else, and frankly, did not want to. Instead, she craved to be close to the graceful and clever womanliness that was Kitty Pryde, where every minute spent with her was like a blessing.
For the blonde, what existed between herself and the lovely brunette was different than any friendship. It left her yearning for the chance to wake up next to Kitty in the morning, to admire her glowing face from close by, to discover what lay underneath the surface of the girl who was brimming with such brilliance and life. What she felt was greater and more powerful than a platonic relationship or a fleeting infatuation that would burn and fade quickly.
As many times as she tried to disclose what was truly on her mind, there was always the possibility of devastating rejection. The thought of losing her best friend was too much to bear. Kitty had been the first person to reach out to her and Peter upon their arrival to the mansion. Kitty had been the one to volunteer to room with Illyana following her return from Belasco's clutches. To allow what they had together to slip away was not an option.
Illyana's mind raced, remembering the many times she tried to say something to her friend about the complicated mess that resided inside her heart. During those instances, she racked her brain to come up with the phrase that would not only tell Kitty how she felt about her, but would also compel the other girl to want her back. The young Russian thought about the nights spent in her bed, tossing and turning over words. It was like juggling ice cubes in her mouth. In the end, none of them felt right.
When they would sit together in the cafeteria for lunch, she tried opening her mouth repeatedly as if the right words would simply fall out. Much to her frustration, everything she felt about her dearest friend was so plainly visible, yet impossible to say. Instead, she would hide behind other guises–asking for an extra napkin, making a biting remark about Roberto's oversized sunglasses, and complaining about having pizza burgers for the seventh time that week.
Even the placid calm of night did not allow the luxury of any escape from her feelings. When she was not thinking about what she would say to the beautiful girl sleeping on the other side of the room, Illyana was lost in fantasies that kept her wide awake. Thoughts of holding Kitty, kissing that heart-shaped mouth, and brushing her fingers along that radiantly freckled skin made the young Russian tremble.
Complicating things was the young Russian's awareness that the turmoil she experienced in every waking moment of her existence. Though she was forced to grow up rather quickly, her newly developed, adolescent consciousness told her that this attachment she felt towards Kitty was unusual. Her other female friends often talked about which male movie stars they were interested in or which boys at school they would consider dating. Comparing herself to these girls, Illyana could not help but feel an overwhelming sensation that something was wicked or wrong about her feelings. Granted, she was used to indulging her dark side now and again, but this was different.
There was more at stake.
She inhaled deeply, blinking away the tears that stung her eyes. The thought of her Kitty on a date with Peter was enough to make her blood boil. Furious, she yanked off the purple T-shirt and faded, frayed jeans she had borrowed Kitty earlier that day. Even wearing the other girl's clothes seemed to add to her sense of frustration and pain.
She made her way to the shopping bags left at the foot of her bed and rummaged through them until she found a white tank top and a pair of gray boxers to put on over her pale, naked form. They had not bought any underwear today since Illyana said she had become accustomed to not wearing any. The expression on Kitty's face upon hearing this piece of information had been priceless.
Illyana crawled onto her bed, the tears flowing freely now. No matter how much she tried, her every conscious thought was centered around someone she could not have. Imagining Kitty smiling and laughing with Peter, holding his hand, and placing her head on his shoulder as they painted the town red elicited a forlorn moan from the blonde's mouth. There was nothing more she wanted than to switch places with her older brother, to be the one who made Katya's face light up tonight.
Wiping her eyes with the back of her hand, the young girl suddenly became aware of a tingling sensation in her belly that traveled to between her thighs. Curious, she reached down to discover a flood of hot wetness that settled there. She spread her legs open and allowed her fingers to venture farther. It was there that she made another discovery, a hard bead of sensitive nerve endings that was swollen to the size of small olive.
Illyana stared up at the flowered fabric of her canopy bed. She noticed how the red flowers reminded her of Kitty's heart-shaped mouth. Her mind became lost in dreaming of what they felt like, how they tasted, and how they would feel pressed against her own. She became consumed with images of Kitty in her arms, kissing her and confessing the feelings she kept under restraint for so long. All the while, she continued stroking the nub that throbbed and yearned for attention.
Her head was spinning and reverie of being with her unrequited love became meshed with reality. She was writhing on the bed, rubbing and moaning softly but trying to focus only on her Kitty and nothing else. Soon, the images in her head and the sensations that were consuming her body became too much. She was overwhelmed by desire and came, muffling her cries into her pillow.
Gasping in the aftermath of what just transpired, the blonde frowned bitterly. Her blue eyes darkened, a ring of fire framing the irises. Shame mingled with anger as she struggled to sit up. Though she felt some sort of relief, the manner in which she achieved it was not to her liking. In fact, she hated it. She hated herself for getting off like that. She hated herself for living in fear. She hated herself for being weak. She hated herself for not getting what she truly desired.
There was only one thing to do.
She rose from her bed and closed her eyes. Under her breath, she softly recited an incantation that had proven useful during her time with Belasco. Within seconds, a series of small, black discs appeared before her. She stepped onto one of them, rising from the hard wood floor.
Then the Russian blonde was swallowed into darkness.
For Illyana, time travel was a disorienting process that made her head spin. Though she had mastered her abilities while she was in Limbo, she felt each journey was like her first. The bright flashes of multicolored light and screeching sounds that rang soundly in her ears nearly disoriented her completely. However, the young Russian mentally willed herself to maintain her focus. She had to remember why she was doing this.
As she continued her trek through time, she concentrated her thoughts on her Katya. She thought about her glossy, golden-brown waves that rippled down wiry shoulders. She thought about her heart-shaped mouth that always smelled of cherry lip balm. She thought about her cat-like, brown eyes that were so full of enthusiasm and passion for life and learning. She thought about her intelligence, her kindness, her sense of humor, and grace.
Most of all, she thought about what the other girl's reaction would be upon hearing that her roommate and best friend harbored romantic feelings for her.
There was a small part of her, untouched by the darkness Belasco had triggered within her soul, which believed she would find true happiness. She wanted something that was pure, devoid of any demon magic. After spending years of her childhood in the service and unwilling tutelage of someone who epitomized evil, Illyana feared that she might be corrupted. To her, Kitty represented the light and bliss that had eluded her young life, and that she so desperately desired now. Having her Katya's love would be a powerful reassurance that the rest of her life would not be destined to be shrouded in wickedness.
However, the shadows that resided inside of her were hesitant to consider herself worthy of such happiness. Her formative years were spent in a place that was akin to Hell, with a being who resembled Lucifer himself. She had become skilled in magic that was associated with evil. Tried as she did to distance herself from her past, she still found that it was a part of her that would never let go. It was now part of her identity.
Even now, her doubts chastised her. What makes you think she will say yes to you? You cannot have her and you know it. You do not deserve her. You do not deserve to have what you want.
Illyana bit her lower lip, frowning. She narrowed her blue eyes and took a deep breath. I do, she responded to the voices that symbolized her insecurities. I do.
"Thanks again for the night out," Kitty said, tucking a lock of wavy, brown hair behind her ear as she looked up at Peter. "Dinner was nice."
The older Rasputin nodded, walking his date to her room. His blue eyes were inquisitive as he drawled in his deep voice, "And the movie, Katya? What did you think of it?"
She blushed, leaning against the wall adjacent to her door and biting her lower lip. To be honest, it wasn't her cup of tea. An hour and half of cavalier humans fighting off invading aliens with laser canons made her fear that her intelligence was being insulted. She would have much rather seen the teen comedy playing. However, she held her tongue given that Peter had paid for everything during their date. To mock his taste in film would not have been very gracious.
Instead, she shrugged and said, "It was okay."
He looked at her skeptically. "You did not like it."
"I'm sorry," she said with a sheepish grin. Then she added quickly, "But the rest of the night was...nice."
Upon hearing that piece of information, Peter looked pleased. His handsome face lit up. "Perhaps we can try another movie," he suggested, his accent becoming more and more faint. It was rather impressive since he had started learning the language six months ago. "Next time, you choose."
"I would like that." Kitty's cat-like eyes flicked to her watch. "Well, I should turn in. I'm supposed to get up early to work out with Logan." Inwardly, she groaned at the thought of waking up at six-thirty in the morning to continue her martial arts training with her gruff, but knowledgeable mentor.
Peter nodded. "I wish you good night then, Katya," he said.
She was about to say good night when he leaned in close to her. With his head bent, he brought his face near hers. Heart racing wildly, Kitty was quick to realize that she was about to have her first kiss. She found herself filled with panic as she wondered what she should do, if she would return the kiss properly, and whether or not this was really happening. Each nanosecond heightened the anxiety and anticipation of the moment. But once his lips ventured within millimeters of hers, Kitty did what she could.
At the last moment, she turned her head so that his mouth brushed against her cheek.
With an awkward smile, the beautiful, freckle-faced brunette whispered, "Good night." Then she slid her body in front of her bedroom door before phasing herself completely through.