'It had come as quite a shock when I realised that I was gay. I thought that perhaps it had just been a 'phase' but it never left me. I was ten when I first discovered that I had a 'fascination' for boys as well as girls. As I got older, I thought it was just a burning curiosity that we all go through, but the feelings never left me and now I'm in love with my best mate. I haven't told anyone about the fact that I'm gay... I'm gay... wow, it feels so good to say that! I should really try saying that out loud sometime, but for now I'm content to say it to you journal.'
Suddenly the dorm room door flew open and in stumbled James and Peter.
"Hey Pads, what you doing?" asked James as he rummaged through his truck for something.
"Oh, not a lot," I shrugged.
I quickly shoved the journal under my pillow and out of sight.
"What are you looking for, Prongs?" asked Peter.
"The map, I'm sure I tossed it in here the other night," said James, his voice slightly muffled due to him being bent over his truck.
"What do you need the map for?" asked Peter uncertainly.
"Evans," I said simply.
"Evans," confirmed James.
"How much more rejection can you take Prongs? I swear you're a masochist!" I said in amusement.
"I'm not asking her out, I need help with my Charms homework and she's the best in our year at Charms," James said.
"Sure you are," I shrugged.
James looked over at me.
"You okay, Pads? You seem a little down."
"Yeah, I'm fine Prongs, in fact when you find the map can you tell me where Moony is? I should really get him to help me with my Defence homework," I said, getting up off the bed and stretching.
Finally James located the map inside a set of robes that needed laundering. He looked at me strangely when he'd realised what I'd said.
"Pads, you're one of the best in our year at Defence, so why would you need Moony's help?" questioned James.
"Moony is better, and I would just like him to check it over and make sure I haven't missed anything out," I shrugged again.
Truth be told I just wanted to be near Remus. I'd fallen for him hard about six months ago after full moon. This transformation had been particularly bad as Remus was down with stomach flu, and it made him more violent than normal. He'd badly bitten and scratched himself to the point when he had blood oozing out of wound everywhere on his body, and no matter how much I tried to stop him in my Animagus form, it was no good. So by the time morning came he was in a bad way. Something about seeing him lying there, whimpering, had made me fall for him. I barely left his side in the hospital wing in the week that followed. All I'd wanted was to take him in my arms and hold him, but I forcibly restrained myself from doing so.
"Pads?" said James, he clicked his fingers in front of my face, pulling me out of my daydream.
"Huh? Sorry, drifted off for a moment," I said, shaking myself.
"Well, Moony is in the library with Evans, shall we go?" asked James.
"Yeah, guess we should," I said nonchalantly.
James gave me a funny look. The look said 'what's wrong with you? Normally you avoid the library at all costs'.
I inwardly grimaced, it would not be long before I gave my stupid self away.
We arrived at the library and located Remus and Lily, who were in a deep conversation until they saw me, no us, walking towards them.
"Hey Moony, Evans," I said with a small smile.
"Black, Potter, Pettigrew," said Lily somewhat curtly.
"Hey guys," said Remus.
"Mind if we join you? Evans, I need help with the Charms homework if that's okay?" asked James in a flat voice.
She looked at James in surprise but allowed him to sit down next to her. I sat on the other side of Remus. He smelled warm and was giving off a musky scent, as well as a sweet chocolaty scent. The smell of him assaulted my senses and I felt a swooping sensation in my groin but I ignored it.
"Hey Moony, what were you and Evans talking about? You seemed to stop rather abruptly as we came towards you," I asked quietly.
"It was nothing Sirius, at least it was nothing of importance," smiled Remus.
That smile. That beautiful smile. Again I felt a mad swooping sensation, but ignored it.
"Can you check my DADA homework over for me?" I asked softly.
"Sure, Sirius, pass it here."
I pulled it out my bag and handed it to him. For a moment our fingers brushed and I felt sparks erupt. I watched him as he read the parchment I had handed to him. He looked to the left at me.
"Huh, Pads, you're staring," said Remus sounding slightly unnerved.
"I wasn't, I just happen to be looking in that direction, is all," I said defensively.
I mentally kicked myself. Idiot, idiot,idiot.
"This seems fine Pads, another 'Outstanding' coming your way," said Remus with a small smile.
…
'I'm falling apart fast. I going to give myself away before long if I'm not careful. Then what? I'll be friendless! That's what! I just don't know what the hell to do about this. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep the pretense up. I need to come clean. It's eating away at my soul. I have got to come out, I need to tell my friends that I'm gay and I need to tell Moony how I feel, even though he's going to reject me as he doesn't swing that way. Argh, this is all so messed up! I need to talk to someone, someone who isn't going to run screaming to the hills, someone I can trust! But who?'
My musings were interrupted by Moony as he came in.
"Hello Padfoot, what are you doing?" asked Remus, he'd obviously spotted the journal in my lap.
"Oh, just writing in my journal," I whispered embarrassedly.
"Hey, no need to be so embarrassed Pads," smiled Remus.
I knew I was blushing because my little secret had been discovered. I shoved the journal under my pillow and out of sight again. I cleared my throat.
"So what you doing here? I thought you were studying in the library with Evans again," I said sulkily.
I was jealous. I hated Remus being around Evans, she kept him distracted from me and it drove me to the brink of distraction a lot of the time.
"Lily got called away, there was a fight and she had to break it up and report it, I tried to lend her assistance but she said she had it, so I left her to it," said Remus with a small shrug.
"Ooo, who was fighting?" I asked in interest.
Remus laughed. I loved that sound, it reminded me of church bells on a summers day. 'Church bells on a summers day? Get a grip man!' I thought furiously to myself.
"Just a pair of first year Ravenclaw lads," said Remus as he tided up the chocolate frog wrappers from the floor by his bed.
"Moony?" I asked hesitantly.
"Yeah Pads?" asked Remus without looking up.
I lost my nerve.
"Urm, would you like to come down to the kitchens with me, I'm hungry," I said covering myself.
Remus walked over to my bed and looked me dead in the eye.
"You weren't going to ask that Sirius," he stated quietly.
Damn he knew me too well!
"I.. I was," I stuttered and faltered.
"Liar," he said softly. "Ask me Padfoot, ask me that one burning question you've been wanting to ask me for the past six months," said Remus boldly.
I felt my stomach drop. He knew. He knew I was desperate to ask him out. How the hell did he do that sort of thing? I looked up at him and I could see a fire burning in his eyes. I shifted my position so I was knelt on the bed and could be eye level with him. I needed to see the confirmation, that I was right in what I was assuming.
"Moony, will you be my boyfriend?" I whispered, my heart was beating erratically as I waited for an answer.
He kissed me.
It was sheer bliss. I wrapped my arms around his neck and clung. All the confusion and anxiety I'd been feeling melted away as the kiss became deeper. Finally we broke apart, I was panting for breath. Such was the intensity of the kiss. I looked into Remus' eyes and only saw a melting softness there now, and such love.
"Oh Sirius, you daft dog why didn't you ask me sooner?" asked Remus, he slid his arms around my waist and put his forehead against mine.
"I didn't know how too Moony," I said softly. "How long have you known?"
"I've known since we met Sirius," said Remus and softly kissed my nose. "I've been saving myself for you, you know. That's why I've never dated anyone else, because I so desperately wanted to belong to you, but I couldn't tell you either," admitted Remus.
"Oh Moony."
I pulled him on to the bed and we laid comfortably in an embrace.
"I'm sorry it took me so long to admit this," I said after a few moments silence.
"I'm sorry too, now how do we go about tell James and Peter?" asked Remus.
"I don't know Moony, that's been the thing," I admitted quietly.
"I think we should just out right say it, I don't think they'll shun us," said Remus.
He leaned up on one elbow and looked down at me. I knew he was right, I think I'd known it all along. It was the rest of the school I was worried about. He cupped my cheek and ran his thumb over my cheekbone. I lifted my hand and pulled his head down and I kissed him ardently.
We were so wrapped up in each other that we didn't hear the dorm room door open. When we broke the kiss both of us became aware of people in the room with us. We both looked around and saw a dumbstruck James and Peter and a smirking Lily all stood at the foot of the bed.
"What in the name of Merlin?" asked a dumbstruck James.
"About time!" said Lily happily.
James swung round to look at Lily.
"You knew about this?" he asked incredulously.
"I had an inkling, Potter," said Lily smirking.
"I had no clue that either of you were gay!" squeaked Peter and turned bright red.
"No me either," said James a gleam in his eye.
"We're sorry, we've only just admitted it to each other not long ago," said Remus happily.
"Oh, oh okay," said Peter again.
"Well congratulations you two, I hope you'll be very happy," said Lily kindly.
'Weeks have past. James had gotten used to the idea that two of his best mates are lovers. We have had to put up with abuse from some of the student body, that is until Dumbledore had, had to intervened and had given the whole school a lecture about discrimination and disharmony, exactly the two things that Lord Voldemort thrived on. It didn't stop it completely, especially the Slytherins. If they caught us walking down the corridor hand in hand they'd jinx us and call us names. But we have rose above it. The whole of Gryffindor house has rallied around us and we both feel so loved. Not just the love from each other, but the amazing love our house-mates had shown us and we were truly thankful for that.'
"Hey Pads, come to bed and stop writing," called Remus.
"Coming," I called back.
I crawled into bed next my soul mate and snuggled up to him.
"I love you Remmy," I said softly loving.
"I love you too Siri," said Remus happily.
All was well.