Author's Note: Lyrics are from the song "Is Your Love In Vain" by Bob Dylan. I don't own them.
Stars Like Rebel Diamonds
"Hey QB baby!"
Matt looks and it's Smash, hollering across the locker room, big smile on his face. Post-practice blissed out and a lot friendlier than usual. Might have helped that Matt's thrown him nothing but decent passes today, but really, he takes what he can get.
"We're hittin' the party at Amerson's – s'got a great place down by the lake. You game?"
Matt wipes his face with his towel, still hot even after the shower. Doesn't help that inside the locker room it's like a hundred degrees.
"I dunno. I probably should head home-"
Smash pulls a face.
"Ah, now, come on man. Gotta take one for the team! If you ain't cashin' that QB gold this year - "
Sometimes it amazes Matt how much Smash sounds like Landry, only more, you know, smash-like. He just shakes his head and pulls his shirt over his head and tries to tug it into place, the fabric getting caught on his damp skin.
"You know, I got an early shift at the Alamo Freeze tomorrow and I'm kinda beat-"
"Matt Saracen, you can't not go," Landry butts in. "Dude, you're startin' to act older than your grandma."
This has Smash cracking up and Matt can't help but think how weird the pair of them look together, in nothing but towels. Match made in heaven alright.
"See, even little Clark here is going. Don't be such a wuss."
And even though Matt just planned on heading home and watch some TV with Grandma, he thinks maybe he should. Have some fun. Let loose. Cool down.
"Alright."
--
So he goes home and fixes Grandma some dinner. She's in a good mood tonight, only complaining about the temperature in the house but easily appeased with a bowl full of vanilla ice cream. She tells him to have a good time and then waves him off from the porch.
He is halfway down to the lake when he realizes he's running low on gas. So he takes 4th down to the 7-eleven and pulls up under the lit-up sign, digging for cash in his pocket. He comes up with two tens and some change and gets out of the car.
The sun's set over an hour ago but the heat is still on the town like a blanket, waves of warmth curling up from the asphalt into the purple sky that make him break out into sweat again. He goes in to pay, grabbing a Coke from the refrigerator. The chilled can opens with a satisfying zzzish and the carbonation prickles on his tongue, coolness seeping down into his belly.
At the counter some middle aged cashier with a beer gut tries to talk football with him – even though it's off season, but that's Dillon for you. Matt's really not in the mood for talking, just desperate to get out of this heat and to the water where there hopefully will be a breeze.
When he walks out the door, he literally runs into Julie, smacks into her with a soft thud, warmth against warmth. Spills Coke all over his shirt.
"Shoot!" He swears, the fizz running over the can on to his hands and her eyes are wide, mouth a surprised oh.
"Sorry!" she says and looks on while he tries to assess the damage - the front of his shirt is sporting a large brownish stain now - and then her hand flutters over the wet patch on his chest. Which sends his heart thumping like a pep rally drum but then he realizes he's standing there like an idiot, still sweating through his t-shirt and -
"I'm so sorry, hold on, I got something-" she mutters and rummages around in her purse until she pulls out a tissue and starts dabbing him and then stops midway, half embarrassed like she's just realized what she's doing.
"No, no it's alright, 's just a shirt, I - I think I got another one in the car. S' ok Julie."
He steps back a little, licks his fingers which are sticky with soft drink and then clears his throat.
"Hey."
Tries a smile that comes out lopsided and probably looks completely retarded but what the hell.
"Hey, Matt."
He can't remember when he's last heard her calling him by his name. Hasn't seen her this timid in ages as well.
"Um, so – so how's it going? Everything alright?" he asks.
She nods, head bobbing and her hair swishes to the side except for one streak sticking to her damp cheek.
"Yeah, yeah. I – um – I was just gonna go in there and ask if I can use the phone, cause my cell's battery died and Tyra was supposed to pick me up here and take me to the party like half an hour ago but she hasn't shown up yet and -"
She just keeps rambling and stares at her feet. Her tan legs look even darker in the fading light, cherry red toe nails in her flip flops fiddling along with her words.
"You – you maybe want a ride?"
She looks up and smiles at him, nose bunching up around her freckles. She always looks like a kid when she does that.
"That'd be nice."
She goes in and makes the call while he pumps his gas, then stands on the curb and finishes his drink. The light and dust around him swirl and fade into soft grey and blue. When she comes out again she tells him she got to Tyra's voice mail and hands him a second can of Coke.
"Got you another one," she says and it's like a peace offering.
He holds the door open for her which makes her giggle for reasons he doesn't quite understand but the sound of her laughter does weird things to his stomach. There's a bunched up clean shirt in his practice bag he snatches from the backseat – an old Panther one so washed out the logo is hard to read - and goes to take off the stained one, suddenly self-conscious.
"You want me to turn around?" Julie asks and he's not sure she's joking.
Says "Nah," and tells himself it's nothing she hasn't seen yet. He doesn't look at her though. The t-shirt is a little tight but it's better than nothing.
They share what's left of the Coke in companionable silence and then he pulls out onto Dixie, heading west, out of town. They don't talk much; just a little about school and her plans for the summer. He can't remember when he's last been this comfortable around her but it seems like a lifetime ago.
Driving feels like heaven cause they have all the windows rolled down and the night air is swishing round in the car, wiping the perspiration from his skin. He looks over at Julie, hair flying in the dark. She has a small smile on her lips and her eyes are closed. Mind looks miles away.
"Julie?"
She blinks, then looks at him and then takes him off guard when she says "You ever been to Point Blank?"
He glances over to her.
"Nuh. Not really."
"Not really like you're not really on the team?" she smiles. "I think that's one of the first things you ever said to me."
Her laughter sounds so light over his chuckle and he knows he's missed this, maybe has missed it all this time, but only now lets himself actually feel it. A few strands of her hair get caught in the glossy stuff on her lips and she pushes them away.
"I've been there once with Landry when we were kids," he tells her. "But that doesn't count, I guess."
Cause when you go to Point Blank you usually don't care about the view. And you don't go during the day.
"You know," Julie says, "it's right over there and it's weird - all this time I've lived in Dillon, I've never gone up there. It's supposed to be really nice."
He shoots her a look and she's blushing, rambling on.
"Well I know it's a first rate make-out point, but they say the view is beautiful, that you can see the whole town from up there."
Matt doesn't say anything, keeps his eyes on the road, waits for her to carry on.
"Like, we could just go and – and have a look." She sounds a little shy. "That's if you don't mind being late for the party."
He's surprised but says "sure", doesn't wanna think about why, and at the next intersection he pulls the car to the right, up the hills. Dust rolls up around them as they drive up the street, sky growing darker, stretching overhead.
They are the only ones up here and Matt parks the wagon right on the edge of the hilltop. With the thrum of the motor gone, the soft sounds of the night creep into the car. Underneath them glitter and flicker the strewn out lights that are Dillon, Texas.
"It's beautiful." Julie says and he nods and there's something stretching between them, he doesn't know what. "It looks so small."
"Well it is small."
She chuckles and smacks him on the chest, playfully. He breathes in the air for a bit and she's right, it's beautiful, the way the cluster of the town lights are mirrored in the sky, stars like reflections on a surface of water.
"This is nice."
And suddenly, just like that she's all serious again and Matt wants to say yes, yes, I missed you too but he doesn't, just says "yeah" and then looks at her.
"How come you never took me here while we were dating?"
Her tone is light and teasing but he grows stiff, then tries to laugh it off.
"I dunno. Guess I would've been too afraid if your dad ever found out. Besides, I didn't have a car back then."
He realizes he makes it sound like ages ago when it's only been a year and a half. Feels like a different life though.
"Yeah," she says and smiles but it only goes so far in her face and so he puts a tape into the radio and they sit in silence for a while, listening to a strung out guitar and Dylan's voice filling up the space between them.
..Do you love me, or are you just extending goodwill?
Do you need me half as bad as you say, or are you just feeling guilt?
I've been burned before and I know the score
So you won't hear me complain.
Will I be able to count on you
Or is your love in vain?
Halfway through the first verse he realizes how weird the lyrics must sound in this situation, between them, and reaches out to change the tape but Julie's hand grips his before he touches the button.
"No, leave it. I like this one."
"You do?"
He's a little surprised. He never really got her into his music taste while they were going out.
But she simply says "Yeah" and closes her eyes and they both let the guitar and the organ swim and wash over them, the crackle in the stereo oddly comforting. She still hasn't let go of his hand.
…Do you know my world, do you know my kind
Or must I explain?
Will you let me be myself
Or is your love in vain?
Well I've been to the mountain and I've been in the wind,
I've been in and out of happiness.
I have dined with kings, I've been offered wings
And I've never been too impressed.
He looks over to Julie, her eyes are still shut and she's listening intently or not listening at all. The soft glow of light plays on her face, but he can't for the life of him read her expression.
All right, I'll take a chance, I will fall in love with you
If I'm a fool you can have the night, you can have the morning too.
Can you cook and sew, make flowers grow,
Do you understand my pain?
Are you willing to risk it all
Or is your love in vain?
The song fades out and it feels like stupid Dylan sang his heart out to Julie on his behalf and he doesn't like that, that it sounds like he's somewhat begging her. He isn't.
But she's still got his hand in hers, cradled warm on her thigh and he's not sure what that means. Or what he wants it to mean. Doesn't pull away though, just stares out of the windshield, into the night speckled with all those lights. In the short break of silence between the songs Julie suddenly leans over, hair gleaming in the dark. She's so close he can feel her breath on his face.
"I'm sorry," she says and he almost sees it more than he hears it, her mouth moving and puffing out a waft of warmth and her eyes are swimming with something. He squeezes her hand as an answer, doesn't ask what for because he knows and she sounds like she means it and he's sorry too. Doesn't say it, just turns his face towards her, inward, inward in a slow coordinated play, knows the route well until they're faces are at the right angle and then she's kissing him, softly, growing into something as the guitar and the harmonica of "Lay Lady Lay" set in, growing with them, around them.
They don't make it to the party that night.