Five Times Julie Taylor Thought She Knew What She Wanted (And One Time She Did)
i.
She's 16 years old and she's sure there's gotta be more. More than a sweet perfect boyfriend who is just nice all the time. More than this cardboard cut life in Dillon, Texas. The world out there, she feels, is wide and hers for the taking.
So she breaks up with Matt. No big deal. She's only 16.
ii.
She's 17 years old and she knows there's more out there than Dillon, Texas and other boys than Matthew Saracen, QB1 (she's kissed some of them, too) but that fact right there doesn't seem to keep her heart from clenching when he walks past her in the halls and greets her with a nod and a smile and that still open look in his eyes, brows drawn up like he wants her to dive into him.
He's dating this tutor now – a little ironic considering he's probably the last person on that football team needing a tutor. She looks nothing like Julie – brown hair and all smiles when she talks to Matt and at least she's not a rally girl but she's not sure if that makes it better or worse. They seem kinda serious but then Matt Saracen has never been one for just fun and games.
So she tries to get over it. She's only 17 and it's not the end of the world.
iii.
She's 18 when she loses her virginity – on prom night of all things. Like she's just a walking poster child for high school clichés. At least he's not a football player but still - Julie can't help feeling that there's gotta be more to sex than this weird fumbling in a strange bedroom at some random party. She wishes she had gotten over this ages ago. She wishes it would have been Matt.
Later, when Aaron has fallen asleep (blissed out and seriously, do all guys do that?) she walks downstairs and finds Matt on the porch steps. The party has pretty much died down and he looks so young there in the twilight, neck shaved neatly. Like sophomore year. She sits down next to him and he asks her if she's alright.
"Yeah," she says and she wonders if that's the last time they'll talk, ever. The thought is so sad she has to swallow hard to get the lump down in her throat. He looks at her, eyes probing. His hands – so large and gentle, come up over hers. They shake a little but for once, there's no stutter in his voice when his warm fingers envelop hers.
"Good."
She wants to tell him something, anything. How maybe she's old enough for him now but she feels somehow, over time, she has lost the right to. So they say goodbye and they move on.
She's only 18 and the world is waiting.
iv.
She's 22 and she's just finished college and she has a feeling that she's not prepared for all that's out there. So after graduation she drives down to Texas to spend a few weeks with her family. Before she takes on the world.
She hears of him, through various other people. In Dillon you don't need facebook to keep up with people's life. His ticket out of here was a full athletic to SMU and apparently, he hasn't had to come back except to visit his Grandma.
On a Sunday, after church, she goes to see Lorraine Saracen (she's been told her grandson only comes down every other weekend from Dallas but it's not as if she's avoiding him). Julie can't tell if she recognizes her but they chat about the weather and Days of our Lives and just before she leaves, the older woman grabs her hand and tells her to take care of Mattie.
She's 22 years old and she's not sure she wants to see all that's out there.
v.
She's 23 when her father gets an invitation to homecoming and convinces the whole family to go down to Dillon to see the game and all the hoopla. It sounds like a bad idea but her Mom begs her to come and she's already missed Gracie's birthday while she was in England over the summer and so she takes the car instead of the plane, it just feels better that way.
Being back is like being on another planet – she's just spent 2 months in a country where football seems more like a pastime than a lifeline. She's forgotten that in Dillon, Texas, football is like the seams that keep it all together. Her dad gets honored by the mayor (best coach we ever had) and complete strangers come up and ask her if maybe her father would consider giving up his current position again to train the best team that ever played high school.
Matt is there, too. She sees him getting dragged in front of a camera by Buddy Garrity - golden boy here used to be our star quarterback, ain't that right, son, led us to state two years in a row, y'all – those words of glory and heroism making it sound so much different than her memory. But then she watches him answer and she smiles to herself when he looks almost as shy as he did when he was 16. After the game he comes up and says hi and shakes her parents' hands and he looks so grown up in his button down – like he suddenly fits into his own frame - that she wants to cry.
He still hugs like a tackle and his eyes are still so kind, face like a book.
He asks her what she's been up to and tells her he teaches high school (English not football) and how he'd like to make a difference with those kids. He's still the most sincere man she's ever met that's not her father.
She's 23 when she's surprised to find out that after all this time, she doesn't want the world. She just wants Matt Saracen.
fin.