Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, Jim Kirk's body thoughts or feelings. I wish I did but I don't.
A/N I hope you enjoy this, the idea for this story came from a fanvideo I watched which used the song 'Live like we're dying' I don't think there is a song better suited for James T Kirk. I don't like song fics so I have none of the lyrics in.
'Live Like We're dying'
Everyone has heard the phrase 'spend every day like it's your last' but no one ever does it, no one ever follows that rule. It's a quote, a feeling but no one follows it- except Jim Kirk.
From the moment he was born, in the massive expanse of space, he learnt something critical. Life is precious; it stands on a fine balance that could topple at any moment. A knife balancing on its edge that at any given moment could topple. The people on board the Kelvin hadn't known how close they were to death until it had happened- they had just been doing their job, they hadn't expected to die. George Kirk didn't realise he wouldn't live to see his son's grow up until the screen flashed at him 'game over'. George Kirk had never expected death, but he still died.
So Jim Kirk lives in that moment, that moment of realisation that in a second, in a minute it's all going to be over. Jim doesn't see life as living for most of his life; he sees it as waiting to die. Every moment is his last, every beer and every shag is the last he will ever have. So why not do it with style.
Tarsus IV only ingrained this belief further. Those people on that little crappy planet weren't doing anything dangerous, they weren't exploring the galaxy or fighting in wars they were simply living. They went to school, plowed the fields and simply lived. But still they died, viciously and horribly with no warning and only with the piercing screams of 2000 others. That to Jim Kirk was the warning sign. Why bother trying when in a second you will die. Hit by a shuttle, stabbed, shot or of a heart attack. Death was the certainty that followed life.
Those months after the massacre were the worst months of Jim Kirk's life, he hid with twelve others in an old sewage line, it was a waiting game. He waited for death to come to him, for his body to give out or the guards to find him. He waited for his children to die, to be murdered or starved. But they survived. Death wasn't ready for him yet it seemed.
He lived, but part of him died on that planet. He would never be the same again; he was tainted, broken and damaged. He had longed for death in those years after, why had he lived yet again when so many others had died?
As Jim struggles to escape the memories and the pain of Tarsus, he lives like he's dying. He spends every day doing nothing but everything. He spends every moment drinking, fighting and struggling. He isn't afraid of death, he doesn't even really want to die anymore. But he lives a live of hardship, pain and misery. He's too broken for anything else.
Death was life's only guarantee. Everyone dies.
The only question is how long till it all ends?
Jim Kirk will always live life as it's a gift, he will never fear his own death- he never has. But he knows and he understands more than most just how easily it can all be taken away. So he lives life to the fullest he can, to get the most enjoyment that he can. Jim protects his crew, defends the earth and tries to be the best damn captain Starfleet ever saw. He does it because Jim of all people knows what dying is, it doesn't mean death. Dying is failing to live, not taking risks, not making the most out of yourself. Dying is just the beginning of the end, the slippery slope. So Jim fights and Jim cries and Jim lives like he's dying. Because one day he will be dying and at least he can say he tried it all.
A/N Hope you enjoyed, it was a pleasure to write (honestly) I love this fandom!