A/N: I know, I know I've started what feel like a million stories in the last few weeks. But this is an idea that I've been hit with. It's not going to be super long, written in more a collection of scenes and all string together to make the story. Almost like a collection of short one shots I suppose. Anyway, don't hate me, it is going to be sad and deal with character death. Ultimately the story was inspired by a quote I read from Lea Michele about the process she is going through in grieving Cory Monteith's death. The story will be in a few distinct parts. The first being Love. Enjoy!
Love, Loss & Picking Yourself Up"I've been through the crying phase, the I can't believe it phase, some of the angry phase. Then came the why phase, which, I think, is still not over. But at the end of the day, I just really miss him." - Lea Michele
I. Love
"Every little girl growing up dreams of falling deeply and irrevocably in love with someone, the one person who was meant to be your one and only. I wasn't that little girl, from the moment I could even blend more than two sounds together, my dream became bigger than I could ever imagine. I wanted, no, I needed to be on stage. I lived for performing, for applause and attention. Some would say that I searched for it all the wrong places, for any and every willing listener within the state of Ohio, some of which didn't appreciate my talent. But then I found you." She sniffled as the tears brimmed her eyes. She stared at her groom standing in front of her, under the small trellis that was laced and lined with pink tulips that matched the band around her waist. "I found you, when I needed you the most. You saved me, physically and emotionally. From slushy attacks, and broken noses even a broken heart." She chuckled again. "I found who I was with you, who I was meant to be. And while I still have my other dreams, I found something else with you. Something that would always be bigger than that. I found love. And security. I found my person." She sniffled. "I love you Finn Hudson, and I am so proud that today I get to call you my husband" Pausing, she looked at him, a smile lighting up her face as tears spilled out of her eyes. "I'm forever yours, faithfully" She whispered.
Finn reached over and gently wiped the tears from under her eyes, gently wiping the eyeliner and mascara that were running down her cheeks. He took her hand in his, tangling his fingers with hers as he began to speak.
"Rachel Berry, you talked about me saving you. But the truth is, baby you saved me." His husky voice was filled with an emotion that had become synonymous with Finn Hudson sharing his deepest thoughts and emotions. "You saved me from a lifelong trajectory of doing the wrong thing because it seemed right, a dead end future that involved me being in a relationship for all the wrong reasons and just a general life of nothingness. You saved me and made me who I am today. You taught me how to dream, how to reach for the sky and to accept nothing less than greatness from myself and those around me. And I see that in you. When I look at you, everything is right in my world no matter what has happened that day. If my kids score badly on a state test or you think you bombed an audition, I just have to look at you and know that everything is going to be alright. Everything will fall into place. We're living proof of that baby, that good things come to those who wait. More than that, we're tethered. When you hurt, I hurt. When you're happy, I'm ecstatic. There is nothing more than I want in this world is to make you happy. And proud. I want to make you proud of me, proud of us, proud of the family we're going to have. I want you to wear the name Hudson proudly because I am so proud to give it to you. I love you so much Rachel Barbra Berry. I'm forever yours, faithfully." He smiled. He felt her squeeze his fingers in hers as he grinned his gorgeous half smile. The one she loved.
"Well" Rev. Solomon looked out at the collected group that included their parents, closest friends which included their old glee club teacher Will Schuster and his wife Emma, along with Finn's colleagues from the middle school he taught at nearby and many of Rachel's coworkers from the theatre, where she was currently wowing audiences as Fanny Brice in Funny Girl. "I think if I was to say one thing, it would be that it is certainly obvious how much these two love each other. And how much they care for each other. Am I right?" The unconventional officiant smiled at the gathered group. "May we have the rings?"
Little Adam Schuster walked slowly from his spot in front of the best man, Finn's brother Kurt and presented the couple and Reverend with the pillow which held the wedding rings. Rachel smiled through her tears at the little boy. They both took their rings from the pillow before Adam walked back to his spot.
"Now Finn, repeat after me."
Rachel watched as Finn blew out a shaky breath. He gave her a small smile as he took her left hand in his.
"I Finn Christopher Hudson"
"I Finn Christopher Hudson" He repeated, holding her gaze intently.
"take thee Rachel Barbra Berry"
"take thee Rachel Barbra Berry"
"to be my lawfully wedded wife."
"to be my lawfully wedded wife"
"to have and to hold, for better or for worse"
"to have and to hold, for better or for worse"
"in sickness and in health, until death do us part"
"in sickness and in health, until death do us part"
"with this ring" Rev. Solomon gestured to Finn to slide it onto her finger. He did so with shaky hands.
"With this ring"
"I thee wed"
"I thee wed" He slid the ring down her finger, coming to a stop above her gorgeous engagement ring. He brought her hand up to his mouth and placed a soft kiss. A collective sigh went through the crowd.
"Now Rachel, your turn" Rev. Solomon grinned. She smiled at the officiant.
"I Rachel Barbra Berry"
"I Rachel Barbra Berry" He repeated, holding her gaze intently.
"take thee Finn Christopher Hudson"
"take thee Finn Christopher Hudson"
"to be my lawfully wedded husband."
"to be my lawfully wedded husband"
"to have and to hold, for better or for worse"
"to have and to hold, for better or for worse"
"in sickness and in health, until death do us part"
"in sickness and in health, until death do us part"
"with this ring" Rev. Solomon prompted her to slide it onto his finger. She did so with shaky hands.
"With this ring"
"I thee wed"
"I thee wed" She looked up at him as the tears poured down her cheeks.
"I now pronounce you husband and wife. Finn," He paused. Both of them looked at him expectantly. "You may kiss your bride."
She giggled when she saw him release a breath before he swooped down and captured her lips in his for their first kiss as man and wife. She barely heard the cheers and applause of their family and friends around them. All she could see and feel was Finn. Just way she liked it. Just the way she loved it.
They were able to escape the madness for just a few moments, taking shelter in the bridal suite where she had gotten ready to meet him at the altar just an hour before. As soon as the door closed behind them, Finn's hand wrapped around her waist and pulled her flush against him. His lips descended onto hers and she was ready, grabbing for the lapels of his suit jacket. They kissed passionately for a few heated minutes.
"God I love you" He whispered as they pulled away. He brought his hands up from her waist to frame both sides of her face. "I love you so much." He leaned in and placed another kiss on her lips hastily, trying to show her just how much he loved her.
"I love you too" She whispered before he swallowed her lips again.
"Have I told you how beautiful you look?" He whispered as they pulled apart. He gently put a little bit of distance between their bodies, though it killed him to do so. "You're so so beautiful. Gorgeous." He took her in, from the way her hair was upswept in a dramatic updo that highlighted the blonde streaks she had just recently been getting in her hair to the way her gorgeous white dress highlighted every curve of her body.
"You look pretty handsome yourself" She grinned as she ran her hands down his chest.
"I try." He shrugged. "Only for you." She giggled as she leaned her head onto his strong chest and his arms wrapped around her waist before leaning his chin on top of her head carefully, not wanting to ruin her hair. They stood there for a few quiet moments, just taking in the moment, the day. Their lives.
"We're married Finn." She whispered against his chest. She heard the familiar grumble of a chuckle. It was a real hearty laugh, she could feel it. She could always feel it when he meant it.
"We are." He laughed as he pressed a kiss to her hair. "And there's nothing in the world that makes me happier." She looked up at him and grinned.
"Me either, Mr. Hudson." She smiled.
They had a few more minutes of peace before they were lured out to take pictures with their family and bridal party. They had been blessed with a warm summer day and were able to take the pictures that they wanted to outside. Normally, Finn hated getting his picture taken. He only merely tolerated it sometimes because they had all these Broadway functions and red carpets for charities to attend to. But today was his wedding day, he didn't mind so much. As long as it meant he got to hold his beautiful wife in his arms as he did so.
He stood off to the side as the photographer took pictures of Rachel with her father's. One of them must have told a funny joke, because at the moment Rachel had thrown her head back in a full blown laugh that he could tell started in her belly and worked its way up. He grinned from his spot and watched her. A hand on his arm alerted him that he wasn't alone. He looked away from his wife to see his mother standing there, looking up at him with a smile on his face. His stepfather hung back a few paces.
"Oh Finny. I'm so proud of you." She smiled. "You've grown up to be such a fantastic, well rounded young man. And it's all because of her" She smiled, looking at her daughter-in-law who was now posing more seriously with her extended family. Finn had finished up those pictures just moments ago. He really wanted to take more pictures with Rachel.
"You should give yourself some credit Mom" he smiled, wrapping his arm around his mother's shoulders. "It's because of you too. You taught me how to love."
Carole grinned up at her son. Yeah, she could take credit for that.
Later that evening, as Rachel and Finn danced gracefully in the middle of the dance floor during their first dance as man and wife to the song that had defined their entire relationship, Faithfully.Finn couldn't help but look down at his wife with a smile on his face. The smile really hadn't left his face, from the moment the doors at the end of the aisle had opened and he had had his first glimpse of her in her beautiful dress.
"Thank you" He whispered in her ear. She looked up at him with a curious expression on her face.
"You're welcome. But for what?" She laughed softly.
"For loving me." He whispered.
"Oh Finn, that's the easy part" She whispered back. "It's like breathing."
"Good." He chuckled. "Cause that's exactly what it's like for me too. I couldn't imagine my life without you."
"You'll never have to." She smiled. "Until death, remember?"
"And even after that. I'm going to love you forever."
II. Made With LoveIt's a snowy day in February when she finds out she's pregnant. They've been married for three years, and trying actively for almost a year. She had wanted to wait for him to get home to take the test, but the excitement and anxiety got the best of her. She had a feeling that she was, all the signs were there, a missed period, tender and painful breasts and over the last few days the constant urge to throw up had emerged. Yeah, to say she wasn't surprised when those two pink lines showed up on all three of the tests she'd run out to buy, was saying a lot. Finn had come home to their small apartment just as the final test developed fully. She heard the clunk of his briefcase hitting the floor in the foyer and the shrug of him toeing his shoes. When one becomes so accustomed to living with someone else, you learn to memorize their habits. She had about a minute to decide how she was going to do this, just as he called out her name. She'd been home all day, as her run with Funny Girl had ended six months ago, and they'd decided to fully devote themselves to having a baby. A decision they had made when it hadn't happened the moment they had decide to start trying. She couldn't be Fanny Brice knocked up anyways, though her producer loved her so much she was sure they would work around it. She had other dreams, bigger dreams. Family dreams.
"Rach?" She heard.
"Coming Finn!" She called back, so he wouldn't come find her. She didn't have pockets in the yoga pants she was wearing, and the pocket of her hoodie really wasn't the best place to hide something. She grabbed the newest one and decided to just go for it. She clutched the beige stick in her hand and took a deep breath before opening the bathroom door and practically skipping out into the living room. She didn't find him there, instead she found him rooting through the fridge for what she presumed was a snack. She had dinner in the oven already, stuffed pasta shells with ricotta cheese. She'd given up her vegan diet two years ago, and was leaning more towards vegetarian. While she hadn't minded it at first, it had become a pain making two separate meals for her and Finn. And once it seemed like they weren't going to have a super easy time getting pregnant, her doctor had suggested adding different forms of protein into her diet in preparation for pregnancy.
"You know dinner is going to be ready soon." She chuckled as she watched her 6'3 husband try to hide what he was doing in the fridge. She could see from where she was standing that he was shovelling left over apple pie from last night into his mouth.
"I know" He mumbled, his mouth full.
She chuckled. "I know what you're doing, you don't need to hide." She saw his back tense, but he did rise. With his back to her, he dropped the pie onto the counter and continued to finish off the last of it.
"You going to say hi to me?" She questioned, arching her eyebrow at her husband. He dropped the spoon onto the empty plate and finally turned around to face his wife. A goofy look on his face.
"Sorry. I've been dreaming about that since you slipped a piece into my lunch this morning." He gave an uneasy laugh. She waited for him to take her in. She was standing there, the stick right there in her hand.
Before she had left the bathroom she had stripped the hoodie off in favour of the tight black tank top she wore underneath at the last minute. They kept their apartment warm, because there were days that Rachel just couldn't be bothered to layer up.
He walked over to her after he'd washed his hands and kissed her cheek and then her lips.
"Hi" He smiled.
"Well hello, daddy." She smiled. She waited for a moment as the realization dawned on him. She held out the stick in the palm of both her hands, the window side up.
"Dad..." He repeated. His eyes went from her hands to her face and back again a few times. "You're...we're..."
"I was just finishing up when you came home...three positives Finn. We're pregnant! Finally!" She gasped out. He fell to his knees immediately before she even finished her exclamation. He wordlessly pushed up her tank top, his hands finding the skin of her belly, his lips touching just above her belly button. She shivered at the slightest touch there, her eyes closing as he heard him talk.
"Hi baby." He whispered. "I cannot wait to meet you" He breathed. He placed another kiss on her stomach before standing to his full height, wrapping her in his arms and holding her there. He let go of her waist after a minute, capturing her face in his hands and placing a blistering kiss on her lips.
"I love you" He whispered. "God, I love you so much"
"I love you too. We're having a baby!" She laughed as he kissed her again.
III. Born To Love
She was in pain. Finn hated seeing her in pain. She'd woke him up in the middle of the night with a tight grimace on her face and her hands clutching her large belly. She was in labor. Their baby was on its way. He'd known this was coming, she had to have the baby at some point, but nothing, not even the videos they'd seen in birthing class had prepared him for how much pain she was going to be in. Sure, he'd seen her hurt before, like when she'd broken her nose (well, he had broken her nose) in high school, and when her monthly cramps got the best of her. But those times had nothing on this moment. Nothing at all.
She squeezed his hand as a contraction took over her body. She groaned, arching her back and Finn felt helpless. There was nothing he could do, nothing he could say that would relieve this pain. He couldn't do it for her, though he wished with all his might that he could. She'd told him over and over the last nine months that she wanted to do this naturally, didn't want any pain relief because she didn't want their baby to come into the world doped up. While others had tried to convince her even with the epidural that that wouldn't happen, she stood her ground. And now he was wishing someone, anyone, even himself, had been able to convince her that the drug was a good enough idea. He hated seeing her like this. And he cursed the person who had put the words natural and doped up in her head.
"I want to walk around" She groaned as the contraction ended. His eyes widened as she attempted to slide off the bed.
"Rach, is that a good idea..."
"I need to stand up Finn. This...sucks!" He shot up from the chair he was sitting in and grabbed her hand to help her onto the floor without moving the fetal monitor much. He grabbed her hips to steady her on her feet. She looked up at him with tears in the corner of her eyes. He instantly wrapped his arms around her waist and she leaned into the support his firm chest offered. He kissed her head. She gripped the back of his shirt as what he assumed to be a contraction ripped through her body. He held her to him tighter, trying to offer her any kind of support. The sob that emitted from her throat caused his heart to break. He felt so incredibly helpless.
"I wish there was something I could do to help you." He whispered against her head as the contraction finally ended.
"Just hold me. Please just hold me." She cried.
"Always, baby. Always."
It seemed like hours went by. She wasn't allowed to walk the hallway like she wanted, as Dr. Ryder had proclaimed she was too far dilated to stray far from her room. His mom and both her father's visited, the latter making a hasty exit when Rachel screamed in pain from an intense contraction. His mom stuck around as long as Rachel wanted her. And she wanted her there. She was the only one who knew how this felt. How agonizing it was to be in pain, and not be able to do anything about it or make it end. Finn let Rachel hang off of him as much as she wanted. She hung her arms around his waist and drove her head into his stomach as the strongest contraction she had had riddled her tired body. Carole rubbed her back in comforting circles.
"Carole when does it stop?" She cried, her words muffled by the shirt Finn was wearing. His eyes shot from his wife's back to his mother who had a sympathetic look on her face. He gave her a pleading look to answer his wife.
"Only when the baby comes unfortunately. But when you hold that baby it will all be worth it. I promise." Carole said softly. A sob emitted from Rachel's throat. She moved her arms so they hung off of Finn's shoulders as his hands gripped her hips. She dug her nails into his shoulders as another contraction hit her. This time Carole backed away, letting her son comfort her daughter-in-law. She bit her lip as she watched the two of them. She could see, and feel the love that was radiating off of her son as he held his wife. It almost brought her to tears. In fact it did.
His Mom left them alone as the contractions got stronger and closer together. Rachel had gone back to laying on her bed as her legs became too weak to hold her up. He brushed his fingers across her forehead, moving her hair from her eyes. She blew out her cheeks as she tried to ride another contraction.
"I love you." He whispered as their eyes locked. "I love you so much."
"I love you too."
The door opened and Dr. Ryder stepped in, just as Rachel clenched her eyes closed from the pain.
"How's it going in here?" He asked snapping on his gloves.
"I think it's going alright." Finn said softly. Rachel groaned in response as Dr. Ryder sat between her legs. She whimpered and squeezed Finn's hand at what she knew was coming. The contractions and pressure she was feeling were really beginning to become too much for her to handle. She just wanted it to be over.
"Well, it seems like we're ready to have a baby" Dr. Ryder smiled up at the couple. Finn's eyes widened as Rachel gasped, taking her bottom lip between her teeth. "Are you ready to have a baby?" Rachel nodded her head enthusiastically. She was so ready. She was beyond ready. She'd been ready since she'd felt her first contraction hours ago.
Dr. Ryder prepared himself from his position and gave Finn directions to grab her one leg and hold it up while a nurse grabbed her other. "Rachel, I need you to take a deep breath and blow it out." She nodded as she did so. She felt the emotion swell in her throat. She was so tired but she wanted to see her baby so bad. They didn't know what they were having, they had decided against finding out. This had been especially hard for Rachel, who loved to plan things down to the minutest detail. But what was life without a little bit of surprise? This would be a good one.
"Okay Rachel, when you feel the next contraction I want you to bear down, your chin to your chest and push with all your might." She nodded and took a deep breath as she felt the beginning of another contraction. She swallowed hard and bore down and pushed as hard as she could. She squeezed Finn's hand extremely hard, Finn felt tears prick the corner of his eyes. She let out a large gasp as she collapsed against the bed when she gave up her first push.
"Good Rachel, good. Keep going"
Finn waited for her to completely lose it. He knew her, she was going to snap soon. Whenever she was under immense pressure, she snapped. She pushed again and again, her energy and enthusiasm waning as she continued.
"I can't do this." She cried as she collapsed again. "The baby is never going to come. It's just going to stay there forever." She cried, arching her back.
"Rachel, the baby is right here. I can see the head. You just need to keep pushing."
"But I can't, it hurts so bad." She cried. There it was. She was losing her grip. He squeezed her hand harder as she laced her fingers with his.
"Babe, look at me." Finn whispered against her head. He tilted her face to his and he saw the exhaustion taking over her features. She bit her lip. "You are doing so great, so amazing. Just a few more pushes and our baby will be here. Do you want to hold our baby?" She nodded. "Then you got to finish here, okay? Take my hand again and I'll help you as much as I can. I love you so much and I'm so proud of how far you've come baby." She nodded at him before taking a deep breath and went again, and again until Dr. Ryder told her to slow down.
"The baby's crowning Rachel, I need you to give me a big push so we can get the head out." She nodded and bore down, the tears freely streaming down her cheeks. "Here it comes" Dr. Ryder exclaimed. Finn looked around the sheet that had been draped over her legs and immediately blew out a breath to fill his cheeks.
"Finn" She whined. He turned his attention back to Rachel.
"Full head of hair baby." He whispered as he kissed her head. She grabbed his hand and pushed when Dr. Ryder encouraged her to once she'd cleaned out the baby's mouth and nose. She bore down on last time, and finally it was all over. It was done. The pain was all but gone. All that was left was a feeling of falling completely empty.
"It's a boy!" She collapsed against the bed in complete awe and exhaustion as Dr. Ryder held up the baby for her to see. Her tears over took her and she sobbed as she watched Finn cut the baby's umbilical cord. The baby, her son was instantly placed on her stomach and she sobbed as the baby began to cry.
"Hi baby" She whispered as she ran a hand over the newborns back as he screamed. "Shhh it's okay sweetheart. Mama's here." The nurse took the baby from her after a minute to be weighed and measured.
"We have a son." She cried as Finn leaned over to kiss her head. "We have a son, baby. A gorgeous, healthy little boy"
"He's perfect." He whispered as he continued to kiss her head over and over. . Finn ran his fingers through Rachel's matted hair as she looked up at him with tears in her eyes.
The nurse who took the baby from her brought the baby back after a few minutes, clean and wrapped in a warm blanket with a blue hat on his head."8 pounds, 9 ounces of perfect little boy." She handed the baby over to Rachel. Rachel gasped as she accepted the newborn in her arms and instantly began to cry. She laid him against her chest as he cried, he nuzzled into her chest. She ran her hand over his back, up and down trying to sooth him. The baby quieted as Rachel placed a kiss on his hat covered head. The nurse smiled at the three of them.
"I'll be back in a little bit to help you feed him. Congratulations."
"Thank you" Finn whispered, not taking his eyes off of his wife and son. He placed his hand on the baby's back and his other over Rachel's head on her pillow. It wasn't comfortable by any stretch of the imagination, but he just needed to be close to them. The baby turned his head towards him and blinked a few times while he yawned.
"That was hard work, wasn't it buddy? Being born and all that?" Finn smiled as he looked at his son. "Look babe, he has your eyes." Rachel smiled down at the baby she was clutching in her arms. The baby looked up at her with unfocused eyes.
"He's beautiful." She smiled. She ran her finger over his nose, a nose that was so much like Finn's. The baby was gorgeous. But of course he was a little biased. It was his son.
"He needs a name." Rachel looked up at Finn. He looked down at her, and ran his fingers up and down the baby's back, coming to a stop on his hat covered head. He moved the hat gently so they could see a little bit of the baby's hair.
"How about Evan?" Finn asked, looking at his son.
"Evan." Rachel repeated. She looked at the baby. She bopped the baby on the nose as he blinked. "Evan. Evan Christopher Hudson" She looked up at Finn and then down at the baby before looking back at Finn.
"Evan Christopher. I think it's perfect." He smiled. He leaned over and placed a kiss on the baby's head. "Welcome to the World Evan Christopher Hudson."