Before the Devil Knows
LLLLLL
You can't really expect this letter to go anywhere. It's small. Been hidden for a really long time. I wrote it when I first met you. Don't let the tears fall.
If you could cry I mean.
LLLLL
I sometimes forget my own name. It's always been Shepard.
I've always wanted to tell you my name was Jane.
Can you expect me to be as selfish as wishing that more than anything?
I wanted to hear you say Jane at least one time before this went to hell.
LLLLL
You're in my quarters again.
The fishes are still alive. Aren't you glad?
You mentioned how you hated having them smell when I forgot to feed them.
I remember when you first came to my quarters, wanting to talk about Cerberus.
We laughed a lot that night.
You laughed even harder as I took my model space crafts and we had a fake war.
'The Levo-Dextro war!'
For the first time, I think you saw how old I really was at heart.
The fishes welcome you. Your favorite, the scarred over Thessian Angelfish, is the biggest.
They know I'm still here, waiting.
My first Spectre helmet is on the desk.
You can't even look at it.
Honestly, neither could I.
I died once already, but now, I can't let go.
Dying twice…..I was supposed to let go.
You ruined that.
Garrus.
LLLLLL
Edi is still around, trying to keep the Normandy livable.
She knows I'm here.
'The electro-magnetic readings in here are at a strange level.'
It's mostly to warn Joker.
I always try and hug his frame when you're off on missions.
You're the new Commander.
You know what I want done.
You know how I would do it.
You know me.
But you still won't call out my name.
LLLL
Sometimes I wander to the cargo bay where Javik resides.
He senses me as well.
We don't have conversations.
He stares at me with those four irises.
He sees straight through me.
We have nothing to say to each other.
He knew I was as mortal as anyone else.
He always waits.
Then he speaks about his life, the one before us.
Who else can talk to a ghost other than another ghost?
You can't.
LLLLL
Liara's quarters are full of nothing.
She isn't in there.
Nothing resides in that room but the broken shadow she is.
I think Liara held too much hope on me.
I wish she hadn't.
Shells aren't supposed to be people.
Especially those you know.
LLLL
Cortez busies himself.
Even more than before.
Our shuttles are well taken care of.
I know that he brings you back safely.
I want to thank him for that.
LLLL
Vega left.
There is nothing in his spot where he once stood.
I remember a long time ago….
You were next to the Mako, trying to make it better.
I don't think anyone could make that terrible thing better.
You tried.
You knew how queasy I felt when driving.
You said you could smell it in from my skin.
I wonder what else you smelled.
The cargo bay….
It's more empty than before.
LLLL
Allers stays on.
Her camera captures everything.
Even when I move things in her quarters as she talks.
I want her to know I'm watching too.
That I want you to succeed.
I want you to live.
LLLLL
I notice Tali sometimes trying to talk with you about me.
She's stronger than when we first met her.
I think she wants you and then I think…..
What if I hadn't wanted you?
What if I hadn't kissed you?
Would you be with Tali?
Neither of you would have to worry about ingestion.
You wouldn't have to be scared of my dying to your lips.
I forgot…..
You don't have to worry about my dying any longer.
I'm dead.
LLLL
You're still trying to capture that silly hamster for me.
It's in the bottom of the engineering deck, scurrying.
Sometimes I find you chasing it for an hour.
Other times you wait for it to come to you.
I named him after you.
Since you teased me about my dying fish.
I knew I wouldn't let little Garrus die.
As I wouldn't let the big one either.
Sometimes, you sit on Jack's cot.
I sit beside you.
And you let out the sounds I know I wouldn't hear as a human.
They're gut wrenching and terrible and full of so much pain.
That's when I try to tell you that I'm here.
I'm here and I love you and I'm waiting.
I'm watching.
LLLLL
When you venture to the AI Core…..
I can almost be seen.
All the power here….
I try so much to move something.
For you to see I'm still here.
It is when your mandibles flare and you grin…..
You know.
LLLLLL
You're fixing the guns again.
This never surprises me.
You get too much on your mind.
You can't escape my room or the Normandy.
You come here.
You get lost.
Sometimes you talk to me.
Thinking I'm not there.
I keep waiting for you to see.
I'm listening.
LLLLL
You never go into the medical ward.
Dr. Chakwas heals you in my room for the most part.
It was the last place you saw me alive.
It was the last time I told you I loved you.
I told you that I would meet you at that bar.
You come in there and talk with me only when you can stand it.
The hum of machines that breathe into me.
I'm alive.
I'm dead.
I can't even tell anymore.
My body is there.
I don't know how to get back.
LLLLL
The bar in the Normandy is filled.
People are drinking.
The time is worrisome.
I can't remember the date.
In a bar, I doubt you're supposed to.
Every body keeps quiet about the elcor in the room.
No one mentions me.
Until every one is past their cups.
Someone brings me up.
There are colorful stories mentioned.
Then the tears are resounding the walls.
You leave to my quarters.
I can't take the crying.
LLLL
You're back in the medical ward.
All I remember of Harbinger and Earth is a strange dream.
We're on the Normandy.
I doubt I'll remember that though.
You speak and it's beautiful.
Your talons touch my fingers.
I swear I can feel them in this strange world of transluscence.
For some reason, I close my eyes as you're near my actual body.
I feel a pull.
It draws me closer to you than before.
My body fights the machines.
Eyes scrunched up completely.
Blind.
Fighting to see you.
LLLL
"Jane…."
A weak smile comes on my lips. I turn to look at your face, mandibles wide in astonishment, flared.
"…..I've had a weird dream, Garrus…" I won't let you know but my name from your lips is something I can't help but love. I'm glad I didn't disappear.
LLLL
There's a letter in between a military history book and a book of gun operations. I wrote it when I first met you. It's stayed there for years. It survived, strangely enough, the first burning of Normandy, and the sweep of the second one. I never knew you had found it really.
I never told you about it. Inside were the writings of a woman who wanted to thank her best friend. I originally thought it would be Kaiden Alenko, but it was you. It mentioned what I wanted done if I had ever died. It mentioned how I wanted to be sure that you were alright, that all the people I had touched with my life were doing well.
It mentioned how I had hoped you had the best.
It mentioned how, if anything, I wanted you to be happy.
I don't think then I knew that I loved you. I just wanted the best for you.
When I give it to you, don't cry.
If you could cry, I mean.
LLLL