Note: Although very much a J/C story my last Voyager fic was very Kathryn centric. It's Chakotay's turn to struggle with the return home this time.
Domus
He is not sure why he feels embarrassed. He's not sure why Riker's all knowing smug grin makes him want to curl his fist and wipe it off his face. He's not sure why the blood has rushed to his face or why he fervently hopes no one has noticed his anxiety.
But he does.
A cool hand brushes his back and he can't help but freeze.
"Talk of the devil." Riker drawls.
He turns to the figure who has moved beside him, the hand that brushed his back slipping in to his. His hand feels clammy in hers, he looks at her for a moment, then back to Riker. He knows that she can read his bio signals. She'll know that his pulse and respiration have increased. She'll see the slight increase in his temperature. He hopes, he fervently hopes that she'll put it down to his attraction to her. The soft smile she gives him reassures him that she does. He turns back to Riker.
"Seven. This is Commander Riker, from the Enterprise."
=/\=
It had been a long time since he stood on the balcony at Archer Hall. All those years ago the excitement had coursed through him, being in the presence of Admiral Spock had blown his mind. He had felt comfortable in the Starfleet uniform he wore, felt proud of his achievements. It was hard to reconcile the boy he was then with the man he was now.
He looked down at the new dress uniform he had been provided with at the end of the last debriefing. Kathryn had raised her eyebrows at the new design at the time and had slyly attempted to ask Admiral Paris if they could wear their old style uniforms instead as a tribute. Paris, with a smirk reminiscent of his son's had said the pain should be shared.
It had been a whirlwind since their return to earth, debriefings, counselling sessions, reunions and memorials. They had all served to ensure that his feet had not touched the ground. The ball was meant to be a chance to unwind, spend some time with his voyager family, and meet the loved ones that he had heard so much about. He was grateful that Starfleet had given them the opportunity. It wouldn't be long before new orders would lead the people who had been his family these past few years off to pastures new. He wanted to savour the opportunity to be with them one last evening.
"You just missed Seven and the Doctor doing the tango. It was a sight to behold."
He turned at Kathryn's voice, surprised he hadn't heard her approach.
"I saw them practicing earlier, could be a new career opportunity for them both." Chakotay grinned at her. He ruefully noted that she carried the horrendous new uniform much better than he did.
"Heavens preserve us. Although if it stops him writing novels maybe it's a good thing?" He laughed lightly and she stepped closer beside him to look at the view.
"Have you enjoyed your evening?" Chakotay asked, noticing the slight blush to her cheeks that indicated the new admiral had indeed enjoyed herself.
"It's been fabulous hasn't it? Now the debriefings are out the way and the memorials, it's been a great opportunity for everyone to let their hair down. Particularly as this might be the last time in a while for us all to be together."
Chakotay nodded, "Tom's been talking about a monthly get together for anyone who is planet side. Help everyone keep in touch."
"Yes we spoke about it last night. We thought Sandrines would be a good venue. The real one this time."
Chakotay raised his eyes at the 'last night'. "Were you at Tom and B'Elanna's for dinner?"
Kathryn nodded not noticing his surprise, "Yes it was a shame you couldn't make it. I heard Seven enjoyed meeting her relatives?"
He nodded a small smile gracing his face, "She did. It was emotional, a lot of reminiscing about her parents. It's remarkable how the family have taken it all in their stride. I think Seven is going to spend a few weeks with them before deciding upon her next posting."
"Seven mentioned that to me the other day. It's a good idea, will give you both some time away from the San Francisco spotlight."
He looked at her in amazement. On Voyager it was always his job to be the link between Kathryn and the crew, yet since they had been back, since the burden of getting everyone home had gone, Kathryn had been reborn. He knew from the Paris' that she had spent a lot of time with them and other members of the crew in between debriefing sessions. She had even babysat Miral on a few occasions. The Captain had steadily pealed away, and revealed the Kathryn he had always wanted the crew to see. Yet while he was happy she was building on the bonds she had forged with her crew, he had to admit it had left him a little bereft. Taking care of the captain wasn't his responsibility anymore.
"I won't be going to Sweden. Thought I would give the family a chance to get to know each other. Sekaya and her family are staying on Earth for a while."
He watched Kathryn nod thoughtfully, "You'll be going to Ohio?"
"New Mexico actually. My cousin has a place on the coast."
"You'll finally get that swim." Kathryn said smiling up at him.
He wanted to ask her to join him. To take the swim together as they had always planned, but something unknown stopped him. That agreement seemed so long ago, almost a different time, when all they had was each other.
"Admiral?" A voice behind them said.
"Sean," Kathryn beamed as they turned to see a Starfleet officer that Chakotay didn't recognize. Chakotay checked his collar, a Captain. "Come and meet my first officer, Chakotay. Chakotay this is Sean Ramirez, an old academy class mate of mine."
"It's a pleasure, Captain Chakotay." Ramirez said kindly as he shook Chakotay's hand.
"I'm sorry to interrupt Admiral, but the 'ultimate' Admiral is requesting your presence."
Chakotay looked at Kathryn, "Ultimate Admiral?"
"My mother," Kathryn sighed and Chakotay could help but laugh. It was well known that Gretchen Janeway was a woman highly respected and feared by the Starfleet Admiralty. Reg Barclay had gone so far to tell Chakotay that the support for the pathfinder project probably had more to do with her than Admiral Paris.
Kathryn turned back to Chakotay with a slight apology in her eyes, "I guess we'll have to catch up another time Chakotay."
He nodded with a smile, "Another time."
She hesitated slightly but seemed to decide against whatever it was she was going to say. Ramirez held out his arm to her and she took it with a smile, leaning easily against him and Chakotay had to wonder if 'old academy classmate' was all he was to her.
He watched Ramirez lead her back into the hall, their heads conspiratorially close together until Kathryn threw her head back and laughed. He tried to remember the last time they had acted so freely and comfortable together as she appeared to be with the Captain.
Shaking the melancholy thoughts for his head he decided to follow them back into the hall, searching for Seven as he did so. He caught her eye at the bar and she held her hand out to him as he reached her. He gave it a squeeze before turning to B'Elanna whose gaze was focused elsewhere.
"What you looking at?" He asked trying to catch her attention and he followed her gaze to where the Admiral was holding court with Riker, Gretchen, Ayala and Ramirez.
"I don't know how she does it." B'Elanna said.
"Do what?"
"Hold court like that. Every where she goes, every person she speaks to, it's like she draw them into her own personal web. The grouchiest of admirals, the most cynical maquis family member. All of them. Completely at her mercy."
"I know it's remarkable we ever had a problem with the vidiians."
B'Elanna smiled and moved towards her husband to hand him his drink. She glanced down at his hand clasped around Seven's as she moved away and he felt that hot bush of embarrassment again.
Chakotay moved his eyes back to Kathryn, the group's attention focused on the admiral. Riker had a glint in his eye, Ayala and Ramirez were laughing, Gretchen tried to look disapproving but the slight smirk was giving her away. Kathryn looked in her element, her hands expressive as she talked, her face alight with humour.
"Would you like to join them?" Seven asked.
He turned to look at her, "Sorry?"
"The group talking to the admiral, you have been watching them."
Chakotay blushed, "Sorry Seven, it was something that B'Elanna said." He turned his attention back to her. She smiled gently at him and he smiled back squeezing her hand. "How about a dance, although I warn you I don't have the doctor's talent."
"Your imperfections are...unique."
"That might be the nicest thing you've ever said to me."
He guided her in front of him to go to the dance floor. He took a look back at the group, now added by the Parises and convulsing in laughter. His hand scraped Seven's back, and he turned towards the dance floor. He wondered why he was hesitant to do so but before he could decipher the feeling, Seven was in his arms and he let himself be swept away by the music.
=/\=
He knew that he had a problem when the sound of the surf did not appear to have the same magical effect on him as it had years ago. He had been at the coast for the past few weeks with his cousin, Achak, and his sister Sekaya. He was pleased that she had decided to stay a bit longer although he knew that she hoped he would return to Trebus with her. He was keen to but any trip to his home world would take at least a month if not two to be truly worthwhile and his life was not yet settled enough for him to see any further than a few days ahead, let alone weeks.
Since the debriefings had finished his commission had been restored, his rank promoted to Captain and his Maquis 'crimes' pardoned. He should have been on top of the world, yet he felt adrift, unsure of his place in the universe. He had hoped a few weeks with his family would restore his equilibrium but it only served to make him feel even more uncertainty. He had thought he would not be the only one but in his short conversations with his former crew mates everyone had seemed to take being back in the alpha quadrant in their stride. Seven was enjoying getting to know her family, the Parises were happily settled with Miral and Kathryn was the darling of the Alpha Quadrant. He sighed, perhaps he was over thinking it.
"You are melancholy, brother," Sekaya said to him lightly and he shrugged in return, "Are you missing Seven? You know we could have waited for her to return."
Chakotay couldn't help the blush, Sekaya had not said a word about his relationship with Seven but he felt uncomfortable about discussing it with her.
"No. Seven is enjoying the time with her family. I'm fine, it's all been a lot to take in the past few months. I'm just...acclimatising."
Sekaya raised her eyebrow but was deterred from questioning further by the chirp of his communicator.
"Torres to Chakotay."
"Chakotay here."
"How's the surf old man?"
"It's great, what's up?"
"Tom's being a p'tak"
"That's nothing new Torres, I warned you when you married him." Chakotay said with a smirk and Sekaya shook her head in amusement.
"Hey! I love you too big guy." He heard Tom shout.
"Anyway –" B'Elanna interrupted, "He went and bet the 'godparentage' of our daughter that he could beat the Admiral in a pool match."
"The 'godparentage' of your daughter?"
"Basically if he wins, Tom gets to be the godparent of the Admiral's 'first-born' and if the Admiral wins she gets to join the Doctor as Miral's godmother."
Chakotay tried not to choke as he squeaked out, "The Admiral's pregnant?!"
"What? No you idiot, a hypothetical first born. Anyway I said we couldn't have the Admiral as a possible godparent and not have you so the Admiral thinks you should be 'in her corner' so to speak while she –
"Kicks his ass!" Chakotay was surprised to hear the Admiral's gravelly tones in the background.
"Have you all been drinking?" Chakotay asked, bemused by the whole conversation.
B'Elanna ignored him and carried on, "Anyway, you need to be there, can you transport back?"
He shook his head and turned to his sister who answered for him, "He'll be there B'Elanna. Just tell us where and when."
"Tonight, we were going to go to Sandrines but the time difference doesn't work for us so we are meeting at the Fleeters bar in San Francisco, 8pm."
"I'll be there."
"Excellent see you then, Torres out."
Sekaya was trying hard to keep a straight face and Achak just looked confused, "Are they always like that?" he asked.
Chakotay shrugged in amusement, "I leave them alone for five minutes."
"The Admiral sounds like fun, she always seemed so serious at the debriefings." Sekaya said.
Chakotay smiled, "She has her moments."
Achak clapped his hands, "Well as much as I am enjoying the beach lifestyle, I have to say beer and a San Francisco bar sounds too good to turn down."
Chakotay nodded and looked out towards the surf as his sister and cousin discussed arrangements. It really was a beautiful place, he got caught up in the rhythmic sounds of the surf turned his face up towards the sun and smiled.
=/\=
If the result was perfunctory, the manner of the win was not. Kathryn, with her pool shark tendencies still as sharp as ever, had destroyed Paris, who had barely had any time at the table. It had made the 'bet' even more ridiculous and Chakotay had to wonder if the new friendship the Parises had found with the Admiral hadn't had more to do with it. That and the Admiral's apparent god like ability (according to a tipsy B'Elanna) to get an unsettled Miral off to sleep when her exhausted parents had run out of options.
The Admiral, out of uniform, had commanded the crowd as if she was on the bridge of her ship, all patrons had become her biggest fans, the Voyagers in attendance abandoning their crew-mate to support their commanding officer. She shamelessly flirted with the crowd who whooped and hollered every time she struck the ball. Achak and Sekaya were as mesmerised as everyone else. Chakotay knew he would have been too if he wasn't distracted, and not in a good way, by the woman that he was supposed to be dating.
Seven had, unexpectedly, turned up just as the contest was getting going. As he saw her walk through the door, he suddenly felt ashamed for not thinking to call her. Seven, graciously, had not seemed to hold it against him and greeted him with a chaste kiss on the cheek. He felt rather than saw the eyes of his shipmates upon him and he tried, not for the first time, to ignore the embarrassment that washed across him. After exchanging pleasantries she had indicated over to the Doctor and Tuvok and hadn't been back to him since.
He tried to decipher the turmoil of feelings inside him. While he was happy to see Seven and pleased that she seemed so content and relaxed, he was confused by his apparent reluctance and, frankly, embarrassment at public displays of affection with her. He also noted that in the weeks they had been apart he had not felt her absence as keenly as he had the Parises'. What had seemed so right aboard Voyager, seemed so different once they had reached earth.
"How's it going buddy?" Chakotay turned to see Mike Ayala hand him a beer.
"Good. Good." Chakotay stumbled.
Mike smirked at him knowingly, "Do you remember that night out on Kendera 4?"
How could Chakotay forget, he and Mike and taken the opportunity for a bit of downtime while the Val Jean was being repaired and had ended up in a hellhole of a bar flirting with two young blondes half their age.
"I remember the pain of the next morning."
"Me too, I caught you sneaking out of that girl's room if you remember?"
Chakotay flushed, it wasn't one of his best moments.
"Most men would have been proud to have scored with such a beauty. But you," Ayala prodded him in the chest, "You were always a such a gentleman. If it wasn't for that tan of yours I bet you would have been as bright as a red alert."
Chakotay huffed in amusement, "Not one of my finer moments."
Ayala nodded, "The look on your face..." he shook his head, "Kind of like the look on your face when Seven walked in."
Chakotay snapped his head up but the flash of anger drained when he saw his friend's face.
"Want to talk about it?"
Chakotay sighed, "I wouldn't know where to start."
Ayala nodded and took a draught of his beer, "She's a beautiful woman Chakotay."
"And young." Chakotay grumbled.
"Is that a problem?"
Chakotay shrugged, "I don't know Mike. What seemed okay while we were on Voyager..."
His friend nodded, "Everything is different."
"Yes."
"Have you spoken to Seven about this?"
"We've barely done more than exchange pleasantries in the past few weeks."
"You need to talk to her."
"I know."
Ayala nodded, apparently satisfied that he had said his peace and turned back to the pool table where the Admiral was about to open a bottle of champagne to celebrate her success.
"It's good to see her like this." Ayala indicated towards their former commanding officer.
Chakotay nodded.
"The debriefings were hard on her."
"They were hard on us all." Chakotay said and Ayala looked quizzically at him. He went to speak but then decided against it.
"What?" Chakotay asked but they were interrupted by the Admiral calling Chakotay's name asking where he was.
"Right here Kathryn." Ayala shouted pointing to Chakotay. Kathryn? It was Chakotay's turn to look quizzically at his friend. When had Ayala started calling Kathryn by anything but her rank?
"Get up here Captain, it's time to enjoy our team's win!"
"Yes Ma'am." Chakotay called and forced his way through the crowd to where the Admiral handed him a flute of champagne. She clinked his glass with a wink and he grinned back swept up in her enthusiasm and a bear hug from slightly inebriated B'Elanna. He squeezed B'Elanna back and watched the Admiral ruffle Tom's hair who was slumped over the table in mock despair as Harry laughed at him. This time when he felt warm, it wasn't from embarrassment or shame, it was from the affection he felt for these people.
He looked out at the crowd, saw the Voyager's pass round bottles of champagne with a wild abandon that they could never have dreamed of on Voyager. A few weeks apart and it seemed everyone was in need of this time together, and he realised that the pool contest wasn't about being a godparent or Tom's need for competition. It was about friendship and comradeship. Something that Kathryn and the others had realised and that he had not thought about while he was being maudlin at the beach.
His gaze caught Seven's as she demurely passed on the chance to swig from a bottle of champagne and she indicated a corner booth on the other side of the room. The joy and celebration was quickly replaced by a feeling of dread as he extricated himself from B'Elanna's arms.
"Did you enjoy the match?" Chakotay asked as he sat down opposite Seven.
Seven smiled, "It was good to see the Admiral enjoying herself. It must have been difficult for her these past few months."
Seven was the second person to refer in that way to the Admiral and he frowned but before he could ask her what she meant she interrupted.
"This has not been an easy decision but I feel that we should terminate our romantic relationship."
Chakotay was astounded.
"What?"
"I am sorry. Although I have enjoyed out time together, I feel that we are at...different places in our lives."
"Different places?" Chakotay repeated dumbly.
"Yes. Although I have great admiration for you and am grateful for the kindness you have shown me, I do not feel ready for a commitment."
"Commitment? We are dating Seven, not getting married."
Suddenly the confidence that she had exuded faded slightly and she looked embarrassed.
"I do not wish to cause you harm." Chakotay looked at her and saw for the first time in a long time, how young she looked. How, inexperienced she was and yet she was the one who was mature and sensible enough to stop flogging a dead horse. Despite his pride taking a beating, he did not have the inclination this time to stop her.
He took a deep breath, "I understand Seven. And it is fine, coming back to the Alpha Quadrant has put us all in a state of...flux. It has changed things for all of us."
Seven looked visibly relieved at his reaction, "I am pleased that I have not injured you Chakotay. I hope we can remain friends."
He smiled, "Of course."
They shared a few drinks while she updated him on all the things she had done since being with her family. It was wonderful to see her so happy and content. He knew that she had made the right decision. It was time for her to explore when all he wanted to do was the opposite.
"I must take my leave, my family are waiting for me. I am sorry to have to go so soon." Seven said after finishing her drink.
"Not at all. We will catch up soon." Seven smiled at him and he watched as she made her way through the crowd to grab the Admiral in a quick hug. He saw Kathryn give her a concerned look but was pleased to see her being reassured quickly that all was fine. Kathryn glanced over at him and he found he could not hold her gaze. When he looked up he saw Seven head out into the San Francisco evening.
He indicated to the waiter for a beer, gone were the warm feelings of friendship he had felt only minutes earlier. He was not foolish enough not to notice the signs. He had not expected to feel so unsettled and unsure at Voyager's return. He felt like he was the only one left on the ship as the others happily found their way. Boldly striding into the future while he cowered in the past. It wasn't like him. Perhaps the counselling sessions had not been as deep or as thorough as they should have been.
"Do you mind if I join you?" He heard a lilting voice ask and he looked up to see Counsellor Troi from the Enterprise in front of him.
He shook his head and indicated to the seat in front of him which she took gratefully.
"My fiancé is doing drinking games with Voyager's security team and I have to be up early for a dress fitting." She explained, "Hence my wanting to hide out from the rowdiness for a while."
Chakotay smiled and turned in his seat to see Riker at the bar.
"He doesn't know what he is getting in to with Ayala."
Troi smirked, "Then his hangover tomorrow will be a welcome reminder before his bachelor party that he's not a cadet anymore."
Chakotay narrowed his eyes at Troi who looked innocent as she sipped her drink. "Cunning Counsellor, you seem to have improved your tactical skills since sitting in my lectures."
Troi laughed, "Maybe it was the teacher I had"
"Touché."
Troi leaned back, eyeing him closely, "So Captain, what leaves you here sitting in the dark?"
"I just got dumped."
"Ah."
"Yes, ah."
"You don't seem too upset, more..."
"Resigned?" Chakotay interrupted.
"Exactly."
Chakotay laughed. "You know I was just thinking that I could have done with more counselling sessions before you sat down. Do you have super intuition as well as empathic senses?"
Troi looked slightly embarrassed, "Your Doctor may have suggested that you could do with a chat."
"The Doctor?"
"Yes."
"Ah. Nice to know I was the last to know."
"Were you?"
"Sorry?"
"The last to know?"
Chakotay looked at her and smiled, "No. Probably not."
"You seem sad."
"Like I said I've just been dumped."
Troi nodded and paused as she looked out at the crowd before looking back at him.
"So, do you want to talk about it?"
"I seem to remember saying the same to you once when you threw a tactics text book across the library. Is the student becoming the mentor?" Chakotay asked.
"I'm pretty sure you were my Tactic's teacher, not counsellor."
He gave her a small smile and she shrugged in return.
"I'm going to be planet-side until the wedding, I've got an office at HQ, Starfleet have asked me to work with some of the Voyager crew and their family members. The offer is there if you ever want to chat."
Chakotay took a deep breath and looked out on his crewmates, his family, his friends. The Admiral had joined the drinking games with Ayala and Riker, her sister Phoebe cheering them on, Sean Ramirez tapping out a drumroll on the bar. Kathryn would drink them under the table. He should go over, join in but something stopped him. The something that had stopped him joining his friends at the welcome home ball, that had stopped him from inviting Kathryn to the Gulf of Mexico. He felt apart from everyone and everything.
He turned back to Troi, "You know on Voyager, I was the unofficial counsellor. Everyone came to me."
"Even the Captain?"
Chakotay nodded, "Particularly the Captain. For most of our journey I was the only one on the crew who called her Kathryn."
"Most of the journey?" Troi asked.
"It wasn't the easiest couple of years. We...our relationship changed, we weren't each others confidantes in the way we had been before."
"You still seem close."
Chakotay shrugged, "She's my best friend."
"But," Troi pressed.
"But...I'm not sure I'm hers anymore."
=/\=