Written for the NFA 'Everythings gotta have Rules, Rules, Rules' challenge.

McGee Rules

Ziva sat musing in the bullpen, her gaze flitting lightly between the other two people in the room who were both hard at work. Finally she could stand it no longer, she had to ask.

"McGee," she started, "do you have any rules?"

McGee looked up from his work with a puzzled expression plastered across his face. "Excuse me?"

"Rules, Probie," Tony joined in, "like don't date women from the real world."

Ziva shot Tony an annoyed look. "Gibbs has over 50 rules, Tony has rules, even Abby has rules but you have never mentioned any rules."

McGee looked at Tony uncertainly.

"Oh, I see that look McRuleBoy," Tony squealed delightedly. "Let me guess – rule 1: you can never be too geeky."

"Thanks, Tony," said McGee sarcastically.

"Ok, give."

McGee ignored him and turned to Ziva. "I have rules that I live by, sort of like a code…"

"Told you: code, code = Geek," Tony laughed.

"Not that sort of code – more like an honour code."

"For instance," Tony prompted.

"Um, well I've never really numbered them like everyone else."

"Well, it's time to start," said Tony.

"OK then, for instance, rule number 1: always be a gentleman."

"Very nice, McGee," Ziva said with an approving smile.

"Sure, nice," said Tony dismissively, "let's get to the real rules – the ones involving women."

"Rule 2: always read Red Book."

"Still?"

"Yes, Tony still."

"Rule number three: don't kiss and tell, rule four: don't date lower than level 3."

"Ahhh!" said Tony triumphantly, "Now we're getting closer: dig deeper there has to be more geek."

"Well, rule five is ahh, personally, I feel you can never have too much hard disk space, too large a screen, too much RAM or too fast a video card or modem."

"You know," Tony mused, "I knew it was coming and yet I still find it so sad."

McGee was not perturbed. "Then there's 6) bubble baths and femi-glow are manly, 7) always keep a spare toothbrush in your bathroom, 8) get a new watch every year, 9) get a new phone every year, 10) never wear a bleaching tray in bed, 11) learn another language – like Klingon, 12) never use liquid paper when a shredder will do the job with twice the noise."

"Do you have rules for work?" asked Ziva.

"Well, yes – um things like 13) there is no site that can't be hacked, 14) always be prepared to carry a woman on your shoulders, 15) don't make Gibbs angry, 16) don't wear expensive jackets near Abby, 17), don't challenge Abby to a bowling match, 18) don't touch Abby's mass spec and by extension 19) don't make Abby angry, 20) don't wrestle with women, 21) don't challenge Ziva to a scrabble match, 22) don't make Ziva angry…"

"What about me?" asked Tony.

"I'm coming to that – 23) don't say anything to remind Tony of The Fugitive…."

Tony burst into action. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I want a hard target search of every residence, gas station, farm house, hen house, dog house and outhouse in the area,"

"McGee," Ziva snapped, "you have just broken two rules."

"Sorry," he apologised. "Oh and 24) don't apologise, 25) don't put your hands anywhere near your groin if you've been in poison ivy …"

"Yeah, that's two for two," Tony agreed.

"Following on from that, there's: 26) always carry calamine lotion for rashes, 27) always carry Dramamine for sea sickness, 28) always carry Vicks to rub under your nose and 29) always carry anti-histamines for allergic reactions. Then there are avoidance rules: 30) avoid high places, 31) avoid maggots, 32) avoid cats, 33) avoid bloodbath crime scene and 34) don't run through car washes – go around. Then there're the work rules – more like guideline such as 35) if in doubt, check out the abandoned warehouse, 36) Sarah's are always innocent, 37) the dead person is probably a petty officer, 38) the bad guy is probably the dead person's boss or a recent love interest of a team member. Then there are the survival rules: 39) have long hair - buzz cuts don't protect you from head slaps ….."

Thwack! "What about: don't have random discussions during work time," Gibbs suggested, appearing from nowhere.

"Rule number 40," said McGee, "don't get caught."