Crisis of Faith
A tag to The Song Remains the Same
Dean let Sam and Cas sleep things off. He was too wired to sleep. That happened a lot lately. Guess that's what happens when you've got the whole Apocalypse weighing on your shoulders.
Seeing his parents again, being unable for the second time to change their fates had almost broken him this time.
Then there was Michael. A part of him wondered when he would get face time with him. Theory confirmed, just another douchebag like the rest of them, all except Cas.
But…he had to admit that Michael had gotten to him a little. It was bad enough that he was hijacking his father's body to drive his points home, bringing back memories of the last time his father, possessed by the yellow-eyed demon, had faced him down, throwing accusations at him to cut at his beliefs as well as at his heart. Dean rubbed his chest absently. But Michael had reset everything. All their attempts at saving their parents wasted. What else was new? Seemed to him that every time they had tried to do something, they got bupkis for their efforts. He wasn't lying to Sam. It was all becoming annoying.
Dean had been surprised at how comforting it had all almost felt to offer never to have been born if it had meant that his parents would be okay. Dean knew though that it was all a cop out. What both he and Sam had forgotten, maybe on purpose, was that even if their mom had chosen to leave their father. She had made a deal. That choice was hers alone and only hers to bear no matter where life took her. She was doomed to die one way or another. That wouldn't change no matter what plan they went with. It brought a rim of tears to his eyes every time he'd remember her because he understood all too well that inevitability. History had repeated itself with him. She hadn't escaped hers and he hadn't his. Like mother, like son. What gave Dean a shiver was the fact that by making her deal, his mother was in Hell. He couldn't save her even being there himself. He could try to imagine that she had gotten out like their dad had, but he could never be sure.
Did that mean that Michael had been right, that somehow everything that had happened had been a birthright? A bloodline? Preordained? Not just a string of coincidental events that had resulted in simple consequences stemming from choices they had all made.
No. No. As hard as it was for Dean to keep on believing, especially after hearing all that Michael had said, he had to keep from breaking. He had broken in Hell, but he would be damned for sure if he allowed that to happen again. If he had any faith at all, it was that free will was not an illusion. He and Sam were not cosmic puppets to be played. He would never allow himself to believe that, but he could feel Sam slipping and he couldn't blame him. Talk was cheap. He could play the Team Free Will fight song until he was blue in the face and would have had a hard time convincing himself, let alone Sam. Everything they had tried had failed. It would be easy to give into the demoralization, but Dean couldn't afford it. As exhausted and as ready as he was to want everything done and over, he truly believed with his soul, as corrupted as it may seem to some, that surrendering to a pre-planned destiny, a destiny he didn't even believe in, was the absolute worst thing he could do. His only wish was that it would be he and he alone who would bear the consequences of that choice. He knew all too well that sticking to that decision might end the world, as they knew it, in more horrific ways than he had wanted to imagine. He knew the face of Hell. Still, despite his doubts, despite the crisis in his heart, he felt deep down that he was making the right choice, his own choice on his own terms. And if he had to, he would help pick up the pieces of whatever was left in the wake of his decision if it turned out he had been wrong. But he didn't believe he was.
FIN Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it.