Have you ever in your life felt like you wanted to do something stupid?
Like you just want to be reckless and wild?
When you're in that moment, where nothing else matters and you know you're about to make a mistake, but you simply don't care, because the knowledge of the unknown will forever be so much better than what's really relevant at the time.
When I was 16, my best friend and I made a pact, we decided that, whatever happened in our lives and where ever we may end up, we would always stand by each other. I guess we actually did manage to do so throughout high school.
Because it wasn't until our graduation, as we were stood at a crossroads like two losers, trying to figure out what to do and where to go next. I knew that whatever my choice would be, she would most definitely follow, if the tables were turned, I wasn't so sure if I'd do the same.
Brittany would follow me to the end of the world and back if she had to.
"Now what?" She would look at me with her exquisite puppy dog eyes and my little heart would go pitter patter. "I love you San." and I knew she meant it too. Every time she said it, it'd be with such compassion, sultry, adoration and truth. We were drunk off of nothing but each other.
I honestly wouldn't know who I'd be if she hadn't have come up to me in preschool.
We were 4 and she asked to play 'house', I said fine and started giving her orders of what to do and when Brittany found out that she would be playing the dad, she freaked and gave me some bullshit reason that she was a girl and therefore had to be the mom as well and that it was perfectly okay to have two and there was no reason that we couldn't still be married.
At 4, she already knew, what I was afraid to admit, at 18.
Maybe we were stupid, or maybe just bored, perhaps we were just looking for something dumb to do.
As we were strolling down the mall and passed Hot Topic, they had these gumball and ring machines standing outside.
Brittany pulled on my sleeve. "San, give me a quarter." She if anyone should know that I never carry around change. It's all about the green paper. "What do you need a quarter for?" I asked and handed her my last piece of gum, in hopes of that it would shut her up. "Never mind then." She said with a sad and dismissive look on her face.
Brittany grabbed the gum, split it in half, to share with me.
I linked arms with her as we continued our stroll, with Britt longingly looking back .
She clinged to me like a gamer to her beloved controller.
"Switch." She said after a while. My piece had lost its taste already, hers was still chewy and juicy, with a slight taste of watermelon.
It wasn't until weeks later, around the time we were all waiting for our college acceptance letters, that I realized what she had actually wanted.
She knocked on my door, I opened it and was greeted with a quick peck on the cheek. Brittany had this giddy yet contorted expression on her face. She pushed passed me, with hands shoved in her pockets. I went to kiss her again: 'You're so beautiful.' she said.
When her lips finally met mine, the need was burning fiercely within. Giggling like two little school girls, we somehow made it up to my room before ripping each others clothes off.
We stayed put in bed for the longest time, it felt nice for a change, to just lay there, side by side. We didn't have to talk, or touch, because our smiles said it all.
Eventually Brittany broke the silence. "I have something for you." She said and pulled out a pink little heart shaped box. Taken by surprise, I gasped for air. "It's not what you think, okay yes, it is what you think. But, I'm serious about it."
Carefully I opened the box, inside was a mood ring, ironically in the shape of a duck. "I know it's not much, but San, it's a promise, from me to you that... one day..." I interrupted her when I put it on, she lost her train of thought and a blank expression appeared. "Yes!" I exclaimed.
Brittany had this over-glazed look in her eyes, as if she'd just smoked a joint and I didn't know if it was that or something else, who cares. "I think I wanna marry you, no wait, I do want to." And with that the look disappeared, replaced with her beautiful smile. "Just say I do then, tell me right now."
Looking back, I don't think we were foolish. We were young and we were in love, nothing else mattered to us.
I remember the time when we jumped the fence when Lady Gaga was playing and we were too broke to get in. She held my hand and the whole experience made me cry, while I swore to god it was the best night of my life.
Or when she took me to Breadstix on our first date.
We promised each other that it would last forever, I see now that, it was the past me and that the past me is very much who I still am.
I've been with boys, but I've only been with one girl and to this day, I truly believe that Brittany is my soul mate. Because when we lay in bed at night and I tell her that, she always responds by kissing me, then she pulls away to slightly bite her lower lip and intertwine her fingers with mine in the dark, before she says; One day San, I will marry you.
Imagine falling asleep hearing those exact words, every night, as you're cuddled up next to the girl you love.
Story of my life.