This is a song fiction, whatever it's called. I've been listening to this song a lot lately, an 11-year-old from my church died this weekend and it was truly heartbreaking when they play this song. I sometimes can't bring myself to listen to it. But whatever I seem to have a problem in my life, I put it in words and somehow turn it into a fanfic. See Mason as an example. Ok, so yeah…
Song: If I Die Young – The Band Perry
If I die young,
Bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Sing me away with the words of a love song
(Clare)
This was it. I knew it now, that this was the last minute of my last day of my last year. I had been in this hospital for as long as I can remember, because the car crash literally knocked out half of my memory. But I remembered Eli. Every moment spent with him. They were magical, the days we kissed one another, helped one another, loved one another. My times with him were full of bliss; I'd miss him the most. He was the reason I didn't want to leave now, but God was calling me. It's just my time to go. I really hoped that Eli would understand…
Lord, make me a rainbow
I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it outta be, no
Ain't even grey but she buries her baby
A sharp knife of a short life
Well
I've had just enough time
(Mrs. Edwards)
This wasn't happening, this wasn't supposed to happen. My arms were red from the amount of times that I've pinched them, just making sure this wasn't another nightmare. It's childish, I realized. But I wanted nothing, nothing at all, more than to wake up from this tragedy and call Clare down for dinner and hold her soft, lovely hand as we say Grace at the table.
On Tuesday, November 30th, the day of the funeral, it didn't even rain. I knew that if it were to rain, my make-up would run down my face and people would be rushing to enter the chapel and be sopping wet as my daughters casket throned the altar. But if it were to rain, my scenery would be identical to my soul: dark, sticky, and full of confusion.
Yet, it was sunny. More than that, there was a rainbow out. I refused to look at it; it reminded me that someone somewhere was happy and enjoying life while I was trying to decide why God would cause such a horrible accident to occur. Driving to the church, I ignored it some more. But once I stepped out of the driver's seat and took a step towards the front door to the sanctuary, I felt a tug pulling me from behind. Frowning, I turned around. There was the rainbow, shinning bright in the sky, so bright that I had to cover my eyes with my hand. But as I looked harder, I saw her. Clare. Clare was in the rainbow! Smiling straight at me! I then noticed the sun directly over it. That's when I realized. Clare was with Jesus, right where she belongs. Tears formed in my eyes, but I pulled them back, blowing a kiss to the rainbow. I wouldn't let Clare see me cry.
If I die young,
Bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Sing me away with the words of a love song
The sharp knife of a short life
Well
I've had just time
And I'll be wearin' white
When I come into your kingdom
(Clare)
I'm dizzy. Nothing hurts up here, but since pain is all that I was able to feel for about a month, I'm numb emotionally. I walk back and forth on a cloud, not sure if a trust my wigs to lift me but then again, it's not like I could fall and injure myself. My cloud is over my church and I see people pouring into my funeral, many of them teary-eyed students. Although I can't feel sad for them, I'm sorry for putting them through this. But, alas, there is nothing I can do now but test out my wings.
Gradually, I begin to float in the air.
I'm at green as the ring on my little cold finger, I've
Never known the lovin' of a man but it sure felt nice when he was holdin' my hand, There's a
Boy here in town, says he'll
Love me forever
Who would've thought forever can be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life
Well
I've had just enough time
(Eli)
Clare's mom let me see her one last time. I couldn't believe that this was it. I felt a pang of déjà vu. How could I ever love again? After Julia, after Clare… Maybe Riley and Zane had the right idea after all. I bet a dude could've survived that nasty crash.
No, Eli. This is not the time for jokes. Not before Clare's funeral.
I walked into the coffin room. I could see the top was flipped open but I didn't want to inch closer and see Clare. When I did, it would really be over. She had been looking awful since the truck accident, but if I saw her there, lifeless, it would be the end of me. I sighed. I'm already over. How is there a me without a me and Clare? I take a step forward. I know that if I look over the edge, I will see my love's dry corpse. Instead, I stare at the stained glass window on the wall of the side of the chapel. I've never been in a church and some of these pictures honestly scared me. Jesus nail to a cross, there was one with a crowd of townspeople revolting by the looks of it. I don't even know what that one's from. I almost make a note of it to asked Clare about it later. But then I remember.
Moving like a sloth, I reached the casket. I felt as if I was literally tearing my eyes away from the three wise men when I turned to the empty body in front of me.
Her skin looked like it has sunken into her skull and her hands were paler than imaginable. I fight the urge to pull her eyelids open and take a swim in her summer ocean blues. But that would kill me.
I take the white flowers from her hand and place mine in it instead, stroking her white skin. I wanted her to wake up. I almost said it out loud. It wouldn't change anything. My chest feels like it's been ripped open, yet it's still shut too tightly for oxygen to fill up my lungs. I can't take it anymore. I throw her hand out of my own and it lands on her stomach. I half expected it to bounce back to her side as a reflect, like someone would do if they were merely sleeping. When it doesn't I almost wrap my hands around her neck in attempt to strangle her. But I knew it wouldn't even affect her.
Clare doesn't breathe anymore.
So put on your best boys, and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done
A penny for my thoughts
Oh no
I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more
After I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I've been singing
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'
(KC)
Banners of Clare's face seemed to be following me at school, just trying to get their hands around me and suffocate me. No. I'm being silly. Banners don't have hands.
Everyone's been talking about the funeral in classes and locker rooms. Jenna and I went to the visitation but during the service, I left the sanctuary and roamed around the empty church. There were a few sextons putting out food and pushing around trash cans with miserable looks on their faces.
I cried when I heard the news from an hysterical Alli, really I did. But since then, I've been dumbfounded. Clare had been understanding; Clare had been stable and confident. She was everyone's rock. How could a damn truck driver come, knocking down her bolder along with many pebbles surrounding her?
Jenna has been consistently crying, retelling of all the times that she was horrible to her. I didn't need reminding. I felt crummy inside, memories of how I harmed Clare flooded my brain, invading my eyesight. I no longer saw the church library I was in but a hurt expression her dear face and every time, it was all because of me. After obnoxious high-schoolers had thrown food and bits of homework at the "niner geek" trying to sing when I dared her to. When I accused her of thinking of me as a delinquent, upsetting her. When I broke up with her because I though that we had grown too different,
Jenna may have felt like it was all her responsibility, but it wasn't just her fault. Maybe differences weren't so bad. Just look at her and Eli. Maybe I could've made it work, or at least tried harder to be her friend. I used to love spending time with her, why did that change suddenly change once I was with Jenna? Why didn't I realize this before it was too late?
If I die young,
Bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Sing me away with the words of a love song
Uh oh
The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears
Keep 'em in your pocket
Save 'em for a time when you're really gonna need 'em, oh
The sharp knife of a short life
Well
I've had just enough time
(Alli)
After the funeral service, friends and family piled into their cars and headed to the cemetery. I didn't know how I was going to handle the lowering of the casket. I was scared that once my body ran out of water to pour out of my eyes, blood was going to stream down or that I would shrivel up from lack of body fluid and turn into a prune. Sav had tears run down his face but had stopped crying once we had left the chapel. I, on the other hand, couldn't stop because I wasn't able to shake off where we were going. To the cemetery. To bury Clare. My best friend.
My brother rubbed my shaking shoulders with his other hand on the steering wheel. I knew we were here. I felt the car stop and I could almost sense the crowd out side the car, some people possibly crying like me. Sav nudged me. "We're here." He said, adding to the obviousness of it all. I just kept my head in my hands, tears spilling in between my fingers and soaking my entire face. It was the equivalent to splashing my face in the sink. But that felt refreshing. I had been crying so much that my chest ached but I couldn't stop. My tears were uncontrollable.
I slowed down my ragged breathing as much as I could and pushed the cardoor open. The preacher had already began blessing the grave when I got to where Clare was to lay in the Earth for the rest of time. I pushed my way to the front of the crowd, very much aware of the fact that my eye makeup had traveled from my eyes to my cheeks and quite possibly everywhere on my face. I hadn't bothered to even glance at myself in the rearview mirror before walking out. Once I was face-to-gravel with the grave, I sighed, standing next to a very red-faced Adam Torres.
Even though I had been crying all day (heck, all week) when they lowered Clare into her hole in front of a tombstone with 'Clare Diane Edwards, 1995-2010' carved into it, I shut down. My whole body shook dangerously and I couldn't even feel the tears falling to the ground, though I knew they were there. Looking up to the sky, I bottled enough energy to mumble few words, not bothering to turn into complete sentences. "Never forget… Love you so… apologize for… ever you are… I don't know…" That's all I could do. I told myself that when I got home, I would write Clare a letter telling her what I was thinking.
Arms wrapped around my side. They were warm and I jumped and felt myself sweat. I glanced back at Drew and nuzzled my face into his neck as he pulled me into a hug. I looked up and, though my eyesight was blurry, I saw his protective expression. He pulled his hand up to my face and I almost move away, knowing that it would cause me to break again. But he clamps his fingers around my clumped up eyelashes, drying them. When he brings his hand back, I see him smile weakly. "I always loved your eyelashes." I pushed my head onto his chest as he braced me for another hug. I wipe my eyes, taking this time to settle my breathing rate. Then I smile, because over Drew's shoulder, I see a beautiful rainbow.
So put on your best boys
And I'll wear my pearls