Futurama
Fry, Bender the Landlord
Cut to Robot Arms Apt. Fry and Bender are playing video games.
Fry: There is no way you can beat me now Bender.
Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass.
Cut to the screen. There is a shirtless fat man and a tall bloodthirsty robot are going at it. The fat man chops the robot's arm with a knife. The robot then shoots a web which captures the fat man. The robot then shoots out a bomb which blows up the fat man which spews out blood. The robot then laughs, then the screen reads: "GAME OVER".
Bender: I win! Woohoo!
Fry: Aw, crap.
Someone knocks on the door.
Bender: Fry, see who's at the door.
Fry: Why me?
Bender: Because I'm lazy.
Fry: Well I'm lazy as well.
Bender: Yeah, but your not as lazy as us robots.
Fry: Okay, I'll open the door.
Fry leaves.
Fry: Sheesh.
Fry punches in a code: "10101101010102" which slides the door automatically. Sal (the fat guy with the red cap) is there.
Fry: Oh, Hi Sal.
Sal: Yeah, hi Fry. You see here, you's are behind'es yours rent. If I don'ts get
them by the ends of the week, yours outs of heres.
Dramatic chord.
Sal: And stops playing these video games. It's pissing off the rest of the robots.
Sal leaves. Fry runs to Bender, who's smoking a cigar.
Fry: What are we going to do?
Bender: What? What happened? My mail order bridebot delivery is getting postponed again? Aaagh, crap. Stupid spring cleaning season.
Fry: No, if we don't pay our rent by the end of the week...we'll get kicked out. Oh man, I remember the first time I got kicked out of my apartment.
Flashback. Winter 1996. Outside of the Living Idiots Apt., Fry is inside a cardboard box. A hobo walks over to Fry.
Hobo: Uh, Mr. Fry.
Fry: Hi, Jason.
Jason: You're behind on your rent. I have to kick you out.
Jason kicks the box so hard, Fry rolls out.
Jason: I'm taking the box.
Jason snatches the cardboard box, and walks off with it.
Fry: Aw.
Flashback ends. Back to Fry Bender's apartment.
Bender: That's too bad.
Fry: I know, and I committed insurance fraud so I can pay it off. If only if he waited two more days.
Planet Express. Lounge. Fry, Bender, Leela the professor are sitting around the table.
Professor Farnsworth: And that's how I defeated cancer in just two days.
Leela: Professor, that story was far-fetched. I mean two days, c'mon.
Bender: How come there are no packages to deliver today?
Everyone stares at him.
Bender: Sometimes a robot gets bored.
Fry: Yeah and where's Hermes, Amy Dr. Zoidberg? I haven't seen them all day.
Professor Farnsworth: And the next day, I went out with a cheap French lady.
Leela: Quit stalling Professor.
Professor Farnsworth: Stalling? Who's stalling?
Leela: You are!
Professor Farnsworth: No I'm not. So, we went on a date.
Fry, Bender Leela: Professor!
Professor Farnsworth: No, I haven't fired you! God found you!
Fry: What was that about?
Leela: I've noticed the Planet Express ship is gone as well.
Professor Farnsworth: Okay, so maybe I hired Hermes, Amy Dr. Zoidberg to replace you.
Leela: What!
Bender: Huh?
Fry: Snap.
Professor Farnsworth: You haven't delivered any packages lately; I thought you were slacking off or something. So I hired them to replace you.
Leela: So, does that mean we're fired?
Professor Farnsworth: Ooh! Yes, get out of my sight you stupid work-slackers.
Fry: But Professor, me and Bender have to pay off the rent.
Professor Farnsworth: That's not my problem now is it?
Fry, Bender Leela walk off.
Fry: Yes, sir.
Cut to the Robot Arms Apt. Fry laying down on the couch looking up the ceiling while Bender is cooking in the kitchen.
Bender: Hey, Fry. Hope you like Sloppy Joes. Now with more worm blood.
Fry: Yeah, sure.
Bender slips in the water that was featured in "30 Iron Chef". Bender walks over to Fry.
Bender: Hey, what's bugging ya?
Fry: Bender, how are we going to pay the rent without jobs?
Bender: Don't worry Fry; I'll take care of it.
Bender walks back to the kitchen.
Bender: Right after dinner.
Bender squashes a worm. Cut to later at night. Bender is wearing all black and is sneaking around.
Bender: Ha, ha. I love stealing.
Bender snatches a purse from an old lady. Bender opens it and founds 10.
Bender: Oh well, it's a start.
Bender snatches a wallet from an agent.
Bender: This must have millions.
A chain-smoking clown walks by with a cheque. Bender snatches the cheque and laughs evilly. Next day at the Robot Arms Apt. There is a table with money all around it. Fry is shocked.
Fry: Bender. How did you get all this money?
Bender: I got a night job.
Fry: At where?
Bender: Umm, the robot strip club.
Fry: What do you do?
Bender: Umm, I'm the guy who hands out martinis and drugs.
Fry: Cool.
The peace officers burst in arresting Bender.
Human Cop: Bender Bending Rodriguez, you're under arrest for burglary.
The robot cop handcuffs Bender.
Robot Cop: Ah, smooth arms. Oh, baby.
The peace officers walk off with Bender.
Fry: What the hell happened?
Fry looks at the money.
Fry: At least I've got the money.
The peace officers burst back in snatching the money.
Human Cop: Forgot the evidence.
They leave again.
Fry: How am I going to pay off the rent now?
Sal knocks on the door. Fry punches in the code again which slides the door. Sal enters.
Sal: Where's the rent?
Fry: I thought you said I had a week to pay it off?
Sal: I changed my mind, so where's the money?
Fry: But, but, but...
Sal: No money, huh?
Fry: No.
Sal: That's it, you're now officially evicted. Get out of here, scram.
Fry leaves.
Sal: Now this is my apartment!
Sal sits down the couch and switches on the TV.
Sal: Aaagh, this is the life.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Planet Express. Fry runs in, he then goes on his knees.
Fry: Please re-hire me! I got evicted of my apartment and Bender's in jail and I don't know what to do!
Professor Farnsworth: No, if I re-hire you...I'll have to fire someone now wouldn't I?
Fry: I can be the doctor!
Professor Farnsworth: Sure.
Cut to Dr. Zoidberg's office (now labelled Dr. Phillip J. Fry). Amy enters the office, and she sees Fry wearing a doctor's get-up.
Fry: Hi Amy.
Amy: Hi.
Fry: What's the problem?
Amy: Well, I fell face first in the lava.
Fry: Yes.
Amy: And my cuteness level went down by 1.
Fry: So you want plastic surgery?
Amy: No, I just want that 1 back. Geesh.
10 hrs. later. Fry is now wrapping the toilet paper off her face.
Fry: Ew, this toilet paper is all covered in blood.
It is revealed Amy is the same as before.
Amy: Hey, I'm 100 cute again.
Fry: No, you look the same.
Fry grabs out a mirror and Amy looks at it.
Amy: No, I'm 101 cuter. I'm supposed to be only 100 cuter. You dumbass!
Amy smashes the mirror and storms off; Scruffy is mopping the floor, when Amy slips. Professor Farnsworth enters.
Professor Farnsworth: That's it Fry, you're fired.
Fry: Oh, what did I do now?
Professor Farnsworth: You destroyed my What-If machine. I don't know if it was you, but I'm blaming you anyway.
Fry: Can I at least have my 10.
Professor Farnsworth: NOO!
Fry leaves.
Fry: Stupid old man.
Outside, Fry is walking around with his hands in his pocket.
Fry: Where am I supposed to go now? I have no home, no job, no anything.
Cut to the New New York Jail. Bender is in Cell 666 with Roberto.
Bender: So you stuck up a different bank and that's how you got here?
Roberto: Well, I was here before. But I escaped. Using my robot powers.
Bender: Robots don't have powers, ding-bat.
Roberto grabs out his knife.
Roberto: This is my power. Ha, ha.
Bender: Warden, I demand my own human shield.
The warden has a cowboy hat and speaks in a hillbilly accent.
Warden: I'm sorry Mr. Rodriguez, but the local judge prohibits robots using humans as shields.
Bender: Stupid judge, let me at him! Let me at him!
Warden: I'm sorry Mr. Rodriguez, but Judge Whitey is on vacation in New New Mexico.
Bender: Stupid, judge.
Warden: He ain't that stupid, he has a prostatic brain. But that don't mean his stupid. I should know, his my half-half-half-half-half-half-half-half-half-half-half-half-half-half-half-half-half granddaddy.
Cut to a cardboard box. Fry walks past it.
Fry: Oh, man. Where am I going to live?
Hobo: You can live inside that pretty cardboard box other there.
Fry: Would I have to pay rent for it?
Pause.
Hobo: Yes.
Fry: Damnit and that box looked comfortable as well.
Fry walks over to the chain-smoking clown from earlier.
Clown: Hello, I'm Happy the Clown. I need someone to take my place on The Happy the Clown Starring Happy the Clown. How about you?
Fry: Me?
Happy: Yeah, you. Want to be on my show?
Fry: What channel is it on?
Happy: Channel 3.
Pause.
Happy: It's FOX, don't you know kid.
Fry: I'm not really a big fan of FOX, ever since they cancelled that cool sc-fi cartoon show.
Happy: Aren't we all. Anyway, you're in or not?
Fry: I'm in, but I better get paid.
Happy: Sure. 1 cent an episode.
Fry: That's cheap.
Happy: FOX is a pretty much cheap channel ever since Rupert Murdoch lost all the money to a hooker at the gambling palace. Now they have 17 hours of porn, 1 hour of the news and 3 hours of me. But there's alot of commercials.
Pause.
Happy: See you tomorrow kid, at 3:00.
Happy the Clown leaves.
Fry: I should've started watching FOX ages ago! Porn! Oh, I forgot I don't have an apartment.
New New York Jail. Bender, Roberto other jailbirds are doing laundry.
Bender: Roberto, how are you able to live here? This feels like an inexpensive episode of that old show that always show on that channel HBO. What's it called...Oz.
Roberto: Budget cuts forced the place for the prisoners to fill in the jobs for the people who were laid off.
Bender: I wonder how Fry's going without me.
Cut to the TV in the background. In black in white is says: "The Happy the Clown Show Starring Happy the Clown". It then says: "Filling in for Mr. Clown is Phillip J. Fry.
Bender: Oh, that's my Fry!
It then says: "Written by Gail Berman", "Directed by Gail Berman", "Wardrobe by 1 cent store", "Everything Else by Gail Berman", "Laugh Track Provided By Don Knotts"
Cut to Fry, in a clown suit.
Fry: Hey kids!
Canned cheering.
Fry: It's Happy the Clown!
Canned cheering.
Fry: I was asking the executives to see if I can do a pie sketch involving man-eating pies. With the recent budget cuts FOX has faced we have to use chairs.
Canned cheering.
Fry: Hey, that isn't cheer worthy you stupid kids.
Canned laughter.
Fry: What's so funny?
Canned booing.
Fry: Oh, now you boo.
A chair gets thrown at Fry.
Fry: OWWW! Not yet Gail.
Canned laughter.
Chairs that are attached with strings that are really obvious come out of the side and there is a message machine sticky-taped to every chair.
Chair: Gail, why won't you go out with me?
Chair 1: Gail, return my messages.
Chair 2: That's it, you're fired.
Chair 3: Hey, Gail. It's Happy the Clown, you got some smokes? I need some bad; Alec Baldwin Snr. stole my smokes because his broke.
Chair 4: Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! Must exterminate the ants!
All the chairs hit Fry, giving him a black eye.
Fry: We'll be back.
Canned laughter.
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
After the show, Fry walks backstage where his is confronted by Gail Berman's head.
Gail Berman's Head: What was that?
Fry: I'm bleeding from the inside. What do you think?
Gail Berman's Head: You only had 2 minutes of the chair sketch, 15 minutes of monologue, 22 minutes of idiocy, then puppet time for 7 minutes, nap time for 10 minutes, hobo parade for half an hour. You had it all wrong. You're fired.
Fry: What am I going to do then?
Gail Berman's Head: I don't know, get a job.
Fry leaves.
Fry is walking in his normal clothes around the streets.
Fry: Oh, I can't do anything right. I'm so stupid.
Fry walks and stops at the "Living Idiots Apt IV: A Diversion of Living Idiots Apt. I, II, III".
Fry: That's it!
Apartment 1I. Leela is sleeping in her bed tossing and turning and then wakes up and finds Fry in her bed.
Fry: Hi Leela.
Leela: AGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!
Leela falls off her bed. 20 hours later; she wakes up finding Fry microwaving potatoes and chips.
Leela: Oh, Fry. I had the weirdest dream where you and me were in the same
bed. Wait, what are you doing in my apartment?
Fry: I've decided to live here until I get back on my feet.
Leela: But you're already on your feet!
Fry: Okay, until I get enough money to rent out a house or preferably an apartment.
Leela: But Fry, that's my decision whether or not I want you to stay here.
Fry then goes on his knees.
Fry: Then please, can I stay here.
Leela: Mmmm, oh I can't decide. Okay.
Fry jumps back up.
Fry: Yes!
Leela: But when you get enough money to live on your own again, you're out the door Phillip J. Fry.
Fry: Yes Ma'am.
Fry goes back to the microwave and grabs out the potatoes and the chips.
Fry: Now who's up for some potato chips?
The potatoes and the chips engulf in flames.
Fry: They spent too long in the microwave.
Fry looks ashamed at his shoes.
New New York Jail. Bender is writing on a piece of paper.
Bender: 102: This jail employs many of the prisoners who are incarcerated in this gaol.
Roberto: Whatcha doing, Bender?
Bender: I'm copying that book Blimpos: A Prison Diet, I'm using the examples here in my parole plea.
Roberto: Stealing money is felony there Bender and don't forget you got sentenced for life.
Bender: Only because of all my other crimes. Crimes against humanity, shoplifting twice, child cruelty pimping.
Roberto: You're lucky you haven't got the death penalty.
Bender: I ALMOST got the death penalty.
Roberto: Same thing.
The warden walks to the prison cell.
Warden: Laundry time.
Bender: Damnit.
Cut back to Leela's apartment.
Leela: Fry, can you fetch the paper for me.
Fry: Way ahead of 'ya.
Fry rolls out of the window with the "New New York Post", the headline reads "FOX Network To Close Down Due to Bankruptcy". Leela snatches the newspaper from Fry.
Leela: Thank you Fry.
Fry: You're welcome.
Leela: Oh, Fry. Can you walk Nibbler for me? His feeling a bit gastro lately.
Fry: Sure can. Say, where is the little guy?
Leela: I don't know. Can you help me...
Fry: Found him.
Fry pulls Nibbler out of the kitchen drawer.
Leela: Thank you Fry.
Fry: Don't mention it.
Leela stares at Fry romantically.
Fry: What?
Pause.
Fry: What?
Later, Fry is setting vegetables on fire. Leela runs in.
Leela: Fry, get out of here! There's a fire!
Fry: No, I'm just cooking dinner.
Leela stares at the burning vegetables.
Leela: Fry, next time...actually put the vegetables in the Micro-Oven.
Fry: Sorry, the power went out. So I used fire power.
Leela tries to switch on the lights, but nothing happens.
Leela: You're right.
Fry: See.
Leela: Wow, a side of you I've never seen before. You're actually 95 less
dumb.
Cut to New New York Jail. Bender is walking up to parole people. The people on the parole board include: The hillbilly warden from earlier, Judge Whitey and the human cop.
Bender: Hello Jimmy.
Jimmy the Warden: Yeah, sure.
Bender: Hey, Mr. Whitey, how's that prostatic brain?
Judge Whitey: How do you know about my prostate brain tumor?
Bender: Hello, human cop.
Human Cop: I remember you.
Bender: I come up on the parole board to plea for unimprisonment
Jimmy: You mean you want to be set free?
Bender: Yeah, sure. I ain't that smart.
Judge Whitey: Why should you be set free?
Bender: Just read my book.
Bender hands out a book called: "Blimpos: A Prison Diet", and there is the police photo of Bender from "The Cyber House Rules". Human cop grabs it and starts reading.
Human Cop: I never knew how corrupt we are.
Jimmy: Give me the darn book.
Judge Whitey: I wanna read.
Bender: Or if that isn't enough, here's 50.
Bender hands them 50.
Jimmy: Release the prison.
Jimmy stamps on Bender's file with a "FREE" stamp.
Bender: Woohoo!
Jimmy: Collect your things in the main room, go north then you'll see the guard. His my brother. I married him. We have such good gay sex.
Bender backs out of the room. Cut back to Leela's apartment. It's after midnight when a burglar sneaks in. The burglar gets out his Mini-Car; he gets the fridge and eats all the food. The burglar then steals the picture of Leela has a teenage from "Leela's Homeworld". He then steals Leela's Micro-Oven which is a microwave/oven hybrid. Fry then walks through the door in his underpants.
Fry: Timmy, is that you?
Timmy: Hi Fry, you're living in Turanga's apartment, eh?
Fry: So, you decided to expand you're horizons?
Timmy: Yeah, only stealing robots and your things was boring. So I decided to steal more things. Stalk more people, then...
Fry: Stalk people? Hey, isn't that the picture of Leela when she was younger. Where's all the food? Hey, that's Leela's Micro-Oven! You sick son of a bitch.
Fry gets a lava lamp and smashes Timmy with it. He lies dead on his back. Fry then takes Leela's picture, Micro-Oven and his Mini-Car. Leela then walks back in the apartment with groceries.
Leela: Oh my God!
Fry: Leela, this man stalked you. And than he tried to steal all your stuff, but I killed him with that lava lamp Bender got me for Xmas.
Fry hugs Leela.
Fry: I'm just so glad you're safe.
Leela hugs Fry back and kisses on him on the cheek.
Leela: And that's 50 less dumb.
Cut to the movie theatre called: "New New York Movie-A-Go-Go". The movies showing are called: "Computers Go Wild", "Hating Private Burt Reynolds", "Tom Hanks in a Bad Movie", "Reality Movie Spin-Off 90-Minute", "Romance is in the Air", Signoids in Love", "Jim Carey's Washroom", "Meet the Fockers' Grandchildren", "The Sponged Bat Wearing Fanged Pants Movie" and "Rocky XIIII". Fry Leela go to the counter where there is a female in at the desk.
Female: Hello, my name is Kimmy. Welcome to the New New York Movie-A-Go-Go. How may I help you?
Fry: Yeah, Leela. What do you want to see?
Leela: How about Signoids in Love and Romance is in the Air if it isn't too much.
Fry: Don't worry Lels, I'll pay.
Kimmy: That'll be 50.
Leela: Fry, you don't have to do this.
Fry: I know, but I will.
Leela Fry go in the movie theatre. A green screen reads: "The Following Movie is Rated MA-71, Not suitable for people over 71. It may contain sex scenes, references to hobos, Adam Sandler naughty language" Cut to female male signoids (the same alien species from: "A Leela of Their Own".).
Female: Robbie, I must tell you I'm...
The movie pauses and then options pop up: "1: Alison reveals she's cheating on him with his best friend", "2: She reveals his lesbian", "3: Flying ninjas take them hostage".
Announcer: If you want Alison to reveal she's cheating on him with his best friend, press one. If you want to reveal she is a lesbian, press two. If you want flying ninjas to take them hostage, press three. Vote now.
Everyone punches in a number. Then a box reading "Tabulating" pops up.
Announcer: There is a tie, time to unveil the mystery option.
Then the movie starts up again.
Alison: ...Human.
Alison then takes off her skin revealing she's Paris Hilton's head in a jar.
Robbie: NOO!
Leela: I liked the original.
Cut to Planet Express. Leela is talking to Amy.
Leela: I just feel safe with Fry now. I mean, I'm seeing a side we've never seen before. He stopped a burglar, found and walked Nibbler, cooked dinner, fetched the paper, took me to the movies to see Signoids in Love and Romance is in the Air.
Amy: Those movies suck.
Leela: I know, but it was so romantic. Everyone though we were a couple.
Amy: Are you starting to fall in love with Fry?
Leela: (embarrassed): No.
Amy: Yes, you are.
Leela: Okay, I am! Just don't tell anyone.
Amy: I won't. I gotta go do the washing.
Amy leaves. She returns with Professor Farnsworth, Hermes Dr. Zoidberg.
Everyone except Leela: Leela loves Fry, Leela loves Fry, Leela loves Fry.
Hermes: I never would have seen it coming, mon.
Dr. Zoidberg: Now who's the pathetic one?
Leela: You still.
Dr. Zoidberg groans.
Cut back to New New York Jail. Bender is collecting his things from a hillbilly guard.
Bender: Gerry, you're doing a bang-up job.
Gerry: Thanks. Okay, let's see: Blimpos: A Prison Diet, your collection of Bender merchandise (from "Raging Bender"), tapes of old episodes of All My Circuits (from "Bender Should Not Be Allowed on Television"), drawing (from "The Cyber House Rules"), Gremmy award for fine acting in All My Circuits and much, much more.
Gerry stuffs it all in Bender's bag.
Gerry: Now get out of my site.
Bender: Okay.
Gerry: Because I built it. I made my brother husband warden though.
Bender: Whatever.
Bender leaves until Roberto comes.
Roberto: Bender, I'm coming with you! I got on parole because I said this place is infested with Robomites. You know how much they eat through robots. So I'm coming with you.
Bender: Yeah, that's my Roberto.
Leela's apartment. Fry Leela are having breakfast.
Leela: Fry, there's something I need to tell you.
Fry: Shoot.
Leela: I, I, I, I...love you.
Fry: Yeah, I know. The professor told me over the phone, he also said we have our jobs back.
Leela: That's great!
Fry: And Leela, I love you as well.
Leela: You do.
Fry: Yes, getting kicked out of my apartment taught me to be responsible and stuff. I love you Leela, and I always will.
Leela: Kiss me now Phillip J. Fry.
Leela Fry romantically kiss. Bender Roberto then burst through the door.
Bender: Hi Fry!
Fry: Bender!
Leela: Bender? Fry told me you were in jail.
Bender: I was, then I went on parole.
Roberto: So did I. Remember me red?
Fry: Yes. You're that guy we took the fall for, which sent me and Bender to a robot looney bin which made me think I'm a robot.
Roberto: Sorry about that.
Fry: You then took me and my co-workers hostage.
Roberto: Sorry about that as well.
Bender: Let's go crazy, Fry me style!
Fry: Woohoo!
Leela: But Fry...
Fry: You can come too Leela.
Leela sighs.
Fry, Bender, Roberto Leela go crazy to the tune of The Beatles "Can't Buy Me Love". Fry, Bender Roberto fight with everyone in a carnival. Leela then walks away. Then they all get drunk, cause a riot and loot the city. Then they sneak into a "Robo-121" rated movie which prevents robots from seeing it. At Planet Express, Leela runs in.
Leela: You guys, Fry is his old self again.
Hermes: Why's that bad?
Leela: His stupid, moronic and irresponsible again.
Hermes: Oh.
Leela: Ever since Bender came back, he suddenly transformed to his old dumb self.
Hermes: Leela, the situation is psychological. Without Bender, Fry is his responsible stuff. Then with Bender, Fry sneaks to an incredible low. So it's really Bender's fault for being such a bad influence on Fry as Fry once remarked: "He wanted a robot for a friend since he was six".
Leela: When did he say that?
Hermes: Two months ago, when you visited Clarg 9.7 in the Galaxy of Humor which is located at the Laffy Way Planet.
Leela: So, his stuck like this forever.
Hermes: I'm afraid so, yes.
Cut back to Leela's apartment. Fry, Bender Roberto are talking with Sal.
Sal: Thanks for paying the rent, it's yourses now.
Fry: Thanks.
Leela: Fry, we've gotta talk.
Fry: Yes, Leela.
Leela: Ever since Bender came back, you've been acting like yourself again.
Fry: Isn't that a good thing?
Leela: Sure, I suppose. But that is not the Fry I fell in love with.
Fry: So, it'll...
Leela: No. I just loved you when you were so responsible and generous but now...you're...Fry.
Fry: I love you Leela, but if that's what you want. That's what you want. I'm leaving.
Leela: We can still be friends.
Fry: I know, but that still won't change my feelings for you.
Roberto: C'mon, red! You coming?
Leela: Bye Fry, see you on Monday.
Leela and Fry come closer and closer together then they kiss. Fry, Bender Roberto leave when Leela waves them goodbye.
END OF ACT THREE