TITLE: Killing Me Softly
AUTHOR: Elise (BehrBeMine)
DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything. Don't sue, I'll cry. ;p
SUMMARY: Upon finding out she had to turn Max away from her to prevent the end of the world, Liz ran from Roswell. Five years later, she's confronted by Max, who refuses to give up hope that their saga is over. This is what unfolds, told from Max's point of view.
DISTRIBUTION: Guilty Pleasures - - http://www.sevensoupcans.com/guilty/
To archive anywhere else, just ask.
RATING: PG-13
PAIRING: Max/Liz
SPOILERS: Takes place after 'The End of the World'.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I beg of you not to flame me. The ending may not be the happiest possible, but the fic is still told in the vein of Max and Liz, and from the standpoint of an eternal dreamer.
The tremble in my hand betrays the calm exterior I've taken so long to build. Over five years it's been since I last saw her face, and I can't help but to feel this is the moment I've been waiting for ever since she left.
I think it would be correct to presume that most people in my situation would be pretty ticked off about what happened to them. And I was, for awhile. But I guess it's true what they say, that time heals all wounds. Add that to the age-old "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and there you'll find my state of mind.
For awhile everyone presumed I was merely in denial. Refusing to believe that she really had left me, that what I'd seen in front of my very own eyes wasn't just a nightmare. No, I was never in denial. From the moment I saw the look on her face I knew it was real. And that I had lost her forever. For years I've struggled with trying to figure out whom was at fault. Did she do the right thing in turning me down and slicing my heart to pieces? Maybe I brought it all upon myself in some subtle and idiotic way. But after five years of torment I've decided that none of it really matters. Regardless of the factors that led up to the events that refuse to flee from my memory, they did happen, and she did leave me.
You know, it's funny how teenagers can overdramatize things to the point that they're sure that whatever catastrophe they're currently witnessing will always remain their most life-altering moment. I always thought I had experienced mine as I neared Liz's bedroom window that night and peeked in only to find her in bed with Kyle Valenti. My first impulse had been to go jump off a building, and for that reason I just assumed I would never again experience anything capable of affecting me as deeply. But now, as I stand on the opposite side of the street, staring at this little one-story home in Santa Fe, I realize this moment overtakes anything I've had to face before. It wouldn't seem possible to an innocent passer-by, but right now I'm more frightened than I've ever been in my entire life. I'm supposed to be a man and yet here I stand, trembling down to my bones and unable to take a single step forward.
She's in that house. He might be, too. At this moment I can't seem to decide whether or not I want him to be. If this were taking place even a year earlier, I would want nothing more than to barge into that house and slam my rock-hard fist into his face. His face that taunted me for years, never for one second letting me forget that she left me, with him. That she chose him over me. That in the end, he won. And I lost everything.
It's a good thing those two didn't turn around and come back after they left without notice. For if they had, I would have killed him. Nothing on earth would have been able to stop me until his body lay cold and dead in the ground. And I would have hated her. So many times I've wondered why I don't just hate her. I should. But I can't. It's my curse for loving her more than life itself despite my anger. If she choked me with her bare hands, still I would go on loving her. Sometimes I really hate myself for that.
It's rather ironic now that I think back on it. For years, every time my gaze fell upon her, I fell in love with her all over again. Every single time. And the last time I ever saw her, I felt nothing but betrayal and hurt. The guilty look of her eyes was so painfully obvious. Suddenly that face that I'd always adored, that face that I'd kissed with my lips and held in my hands, that beautiful face, revealed nothing but guilt and shame. And now, whenever I try to look back on her, I can see nothing but that last look, can feel nothing but that tremendous pain that cut into me like a knife.
--- Flashback ---
The knocks on the front door came loud and clear, startling Kyle as he awoke from his slumber. Grunting, he looked over to the clock on his dresser: 3:02. The knocks came again, panicked and harsh.
As quickly as his tired and clumsy feet would allow, Kyle made his way to the front door, managing to painfully stumble into a great many things on the way. Angered at the idiot that was pounding on his door at three in the morning, he threw open the door, the deep frown on his face ready to frighten someone away. Immediately it melted to a look of concern as the opened door revealed a broken Liz.
Tears streaked her already soaking-wet face while uncontrollable sobs came from her throat. Her arms were wrapped tightly around her small body that shook violently with each new wave of sobs, and she swayed slightly from side to side, the usual stance of a troubled teenager. She tried to speak, but couldn't seem to get any words out.
In an uncustomarily caring gesture, Kyle reached out to pull her into his strong arms, trying to soothe her while rocking back and forth. In all the time he'd known her, only once before had she ever allowed herself to cry in front of him. In eighth grade she had sprained her ankle during P.E., and Kyle had volunteered to help her to the nurse's office. On the way down the hall, she'd finally shed a few tears, sobbing out something about the pain.
What a day. First he climbed into bed with her without even knowing why, and now here she had come running to him, distressed beyond belief about something that she couldn't reveal until the crying stopped. Up until now it hadn't occurred to him that since he and Liz's break-up months ago, she'd always had Max to run to. Now, since that scene he'd helped play out in the bedroom, she had no one else. Wonderful. He was a substitute.
The desert air was chill, and as the wind blew it inside to steal the warmth from Kyle's bare feet, he eased Liz into the house, kicking the door shut behind her. Now that she was inside, her reason for coming resurfaced in her mind, and she choked back the sobs, looking around for a tissue. "Here," Kyle said, realizing what she must be searching for. He reached over to the coffee table and brought her the tissue box.
"Thank you," she whispered, her voice drained from all the crying. Silently she dabbed at her eyes and wiped the tears from her face, forcing back the remaining oceans inside of her that threatened to keep coming. "Can I use your bathroom?"
"Oh, yeah, sure... you remember where it is," said Kyle with a bit of confusion evident on his face, pointing down the hall. Liz headed in that direction. "Be quiet, though. You don't want to wake Tess or my dad up."
Once inside the bathroom, Liz was able to inspect her face. She groaned upon seeing how grimy it looked, the tearstreaks standing out against her pale skin. Turning the faucet on, she cupped some ice cold water within her hands, splashing it on her face, hoping to conceal some of the despair that existed within her. After drying it off, she decided it did look a bit better. Inhaling deeply, she composed herself before stepping out to face Kyle once more.
Quietly, she tip-toed back to the living room to find Kyle sitting on the couch. Trying to form definite sentences in her head, Liz seated herself next to him, looking very closely at his face. He looked sleepy. That wasn't good. She needed him to be fully awake for this.
Her mouth opened a few times before any real words came out, and Kyle watched with what seemed to be a mix of curiosity and almost annoyance. She probably shouldn't have come in the middle of the night, but she just had to. If she didn't do this now, she never would. "Listen, Kyle..." she began, choosing her words very carefully, "I'm sorry to just show up like this. I know I woke you up. You're not a real morning person, I remember that..."
"Liz, it's alright. I'm awake now. Whatever. So can you please just get to the point and tell me why you're here? And why were you crying? Did Max do something to you?"
How to answer that question? Only a few seconds passed before Liz answered with certainty, "No, no, no, Kyle, it's nothing like that... Well, I mean, like before, I can't really tell you..." She faltered when she saw the flicker of anger in Kyle's eyes. He was getting impatient with this secretive thing. She couldn't say she blamed him. Focusing her eyes intently on his own, her voice became serious. "Kyle, I've come here tonight to ask you something very important. It's more important than anything I've ever asked you before, and I need for you to just not think I'm crazy right now."
Kyle raised his eyebrows, urging her to continue.
Liz felt her nerve wittling away to nothing, so she went ahead and said it before she backed out. "Will you run away with me?"
--- End Flashback ---
Five years is a long time. That first year was the most difficult to get through. It was hard for me to see her locker every day as I walked into the highschool, always expecting her to walk up to it and spin the combination. They assigned me a new lab partner in biology. That was hell on earth.
For the first few days, her parents were nervewracked, constantly calling my house to question anything I might know about where Liz had gone. I don't know if they ever really believed that I had no idea. The sheriff was frantic, running to me right away when he discovered that Kyle was missing. Easily enough we all knew the two had gone together. It made sense, to the Parkers and the sheriff because the two had gone out the year before, and to me because of that awful scene I'd witnessed in her bedroom.
I never could figure out what it was that provoked Liz to run to Kyle again... to this day I have no idea why, of all people, she chose HIM to sleep with. I mean I may be just bitter, but it seemed to me that even before I came into the picture, Liz and Kyle never really shared a strong, lasting relationship. But there must have been something there, because in the middle of the night the two snuck away from this small town together.
It hurt that she didn't even have the courtesy to leave me a note, a message on my answering machine, nothing. No matter how quickly I thought I had to get out of Roswell, I would have found a way to say goodbye to her. After all we'd been through together, she must have known how deeply I cared for her and would always care for her, despite the fact that she slept with another.
A few days after their disappearance, the sheriff and the Parkers stopped calling my house at all hours, begging for any clue as to where their children might be. It didn't take long for me to notice their newfound calm, and after confronting the sheriff about it, I knew it was because Kyle and Liz had called the three, which meant that they knew where they were. Rage boiled within me that I'd never known I could possess when the sheriff explained to me that Liz had requested that I never know where she and Kyle were. It was a poorly disguised way of revealing that she never wanted to see me again. But why? What had I done? What had I ever done to deserve this?
I tried questioning Maria, but it was obvious she didn't know any more than I did. It was the same with Alex. I found solace in lashing out at Liz with her friends that she had also left behind. Many a night the three of us sat together way past midnight, spitting angry words that we would say to her if she ever had the nerve to show up again. And then we'd all grow quiet and silently reprimand ourselves for thinking so badly of her. Deep down I always knew there was a reason for all of this, a cause that she couldn't tell me for whatever reason.
It was torturous, to say the least, watching Michael's relationship with Maria grow and bloom into something so beautiful I could have killed someone it was so goddamn unfair. Liz and I could have had that, should have had that... would have had that, and I knew it without a doubt. Very rarely does someone really have the good fortune of finding their soulmate. Rarer, still, that they lose that soulmate to someone else. On my better days, I used to joke that Liz must have hit her head HARD before running to Kyle's arms on that day that changed everything.
Without fail, I asked the sheriff time and time again to tell me where Liz was. I begged and pleaded, one time I even got down on my knees and almost shed tears, so desperate for him to just tell me. A couple of times I promised never to go there or to contact her, if only he'd let me know where she was. He must have sensed that that was a sure lie, because he never did tell me. Every year I sent him a blank card for Christmas, and on the inside the same message was always printed in black letters, "Tell me." I realize now that I must have made that man's life a living hell in my search for Liz's whereabouts, but I was beyond desperate.
Sometimes at night I would physically ache to have her near me. She had become so much a part of me since that fateful day in The Crashdown; and on those lonely nights when Michael took Maria out for a romantic dinner or Alex cajoled Isabel to go out dancing, I was left to sit alone in my room, thinking of her for hours, constantly torturing myself with that final memory. I searched my mind through and through for any clues Liz might have dropped that I could have picked up on, and realized she was going to leave. But never could I think of a single thing I'd done to make her want to leave me without a trace. It was always obvious in the back of my mind that there was the whole destiny angle that might have upset her, but I thought we had gotten through that.
I spent hours in libraries, tirelessly searching for Valenti in the phonebooks, any that I could get my hands on. She must have married Kyle; why else would they leave together? After I'd called and bothered everyone named Valenti in the United States, I moved on to Parker. That, too, came up empty. No Kyle, no Liz. She must have known I'd search for her. They must have changed their last name...
Maria asked the Parkers for any small bits of information, but they were adamant, refusing to reveal anything. Quite obviously Liz and Kyle had shushed both they and the sheriff indefinitely. She must have told them her reason for leaving. And although both Maria and I tried, we couldn't even get any of them to reveal that much.
Although I'm ashamed to say it, I even went so far as to break into the Parker house in search for some answers. I figured they would have a phone number, an address, a name, a clue, anything, somewhere. I was so frustrated when that, too, left me empty-handed. For the life of me I don't know why I didn't just lose hope and give up, like any normal level-headed teenager would do. I guess I really couldn't accept the possibility that I might never see my first love again.
I call her my first love, but she's my only love. I see right through other girls, as if they're not even there. I don't want them to be there. For me there was only Liz. With her gone, I've condemned myself to a life of being completely and utterly alone. Isabel has voiced her displeasure with my nonexistent social life many a time. She reasons that it's not fair, it's stupid, even, to make myself miserable just because of what Liz did to me. But she couldn't possibly understand. Alex would never leave her. When Liz left the small town of Roswell, she took my heart along with her.
--- Flashback ---
"Come again?" Kyle said, more than a bit surprised at the question.
"Please don't make me repeat it," Liz said in a tired voice. "I've come to you, Kyle, and I'm asking you to run with me. I'm not quite sure why, except that I know I have to leave, and I know we once had something special between us... You were the first person that came to my mind. And you're the only person that I want to come." Her voice cracked, revealing the fear she'd tried to keep subdued. "I don't want to go alone."
Kyle sat back, stunned. Something major must have happened in the last twenty-four hours that he was unaware of. This wasn't Liz. It wasn't like her to just jump into an irrational action like this. "Why do you have to leave?"
"I can't tell you unless you come with me." With her eyes Liz pleaded, knowing she was putting her friend in a terrible position, and knowing that asking him to come was selfish of her, but she needed someone to be with her, or else she didn't feel she had the strength to get through another day.
For some reason he'll never understand, Kyle nodded. Something in her eyes told him that this was serious; she wasn't kidding. The two had hardly spoken in the last year or so, and yet she'd asked him, of all people, to come with her. It was flattering, really... and also a bit strange. He watched as her eyes lit up with gratitude, the pools of wet tears threatening to surface once again.
"...Let me go get a few things," he said, his voice now husky. What was he getting himself into? With caution, he stole down the hallway to his bedroom, where a sleeping Tess caused him to tiptoe to his dresser as he gathered anything he didn't want to leave behind. Shoving whatever he could get his hands on into a sports bag, Kyle stopped to look sadly at what he was leaving behind. Tess's labored breathing was the only sound in the room as he stood still in the doorway. With an unsure shake of his head, he left, making his way back to Liz.
Clasping his hand in the darkness, Liz lead Kyle out of the house, closing the door quietly behind them. Like thieves in the night, they stole over to the small pick-up he had recently gotten as a birthday present. Tossing his bag behind the seats, he turned to give Liz a look of uncertainty as he turned the key in the ignition. She looked overwhelmed, turning away to look out the window. The millions of stars twinkled in the sky to guide the way to a new home. Her voice hoarse from sobbing for hours, Liz whispered a hasty, "Goodbye Max."
--- End Flashback ---
Enough stalling; it's time to do what I came here to do. Suddenly that house seems so far away. This is a nice street, one like I always pictured I'd live on one day. With Liz. It figures that she would have a home like this. It's cozy, and... normal. I can't help but to smile at the pretty little yellow shutters on a window to the left of the house. The sun blazes overhead, making me regret wearing a suit and tie in Sante Fe during the summer.
Sante Fe. This entire time, she's been right under my nose. And I never would have known it. You're probably wondering how I finally got the address. I can thank the sheriff for that. All my years of pestering weren't in vain; he left it to me in his will. Though I'd always been wary of him because of the secret he kept from me, the sheriff and I worked together to pull Michael, Isabel and I out of many a difficult situation. You can't do that and not come to admire someone like Jim Valenti. He put his life on the line for my sake too many times to count.
All those years of fighting to save a different species. And in the true spirit of irony, he was killed by one of his own. A hostage situation downtown put a bullet in his chest. It was one of the Roswell policemen, in fact. Everybody knew it was an accident, but I shudder everytime I see that policeman on the street.
It's been two weeks now since the sheriff took his last breath. With no family in town, he was all alone, except for Amy DeLuca and I. Looking back on the way we came into each others' lives so long ago, it's strange to think that I was holding his hand when he flatlined. Weak sunlight shone through the drawn shades of the hospital room as nurses ushered me out into the hallway. Without a doubt I'd call that one of the saddest days of my life... And it was his death that finally brought me to confront the demons of another of my bad days. An envelope was handed to me as his short will was read; he didn't have any money to leave, but oh, nothing he could have possibly left to me could have meant more.
The envelope was light, there wasn't much in it. Two small pieces of paper. On one, the address of Kyle and Liz White. "It was his wife's maiden name," Amy later explained to me. On the other piece of paper was the message that has brought me here today, "Tell my son I love him."
Both are now rather mangled, due to my nervous folding and unfolding on the way here. I must have been standing here for over an hour by now, and still I don't quite feel I have the nerve to face her after all these years. A part of me wants to see her depressed and broken, feeling as I've felt each night since she left. But I know there's a stronger part of me that hopes she's made something of her life, and hopes that Kyle has made her happy.
A slight wind comes to rustle the trees overhead, and sweep a cool breeze around my body. I prepare to finally take a step towards the house, but before I can do that the front door swings open. My throat closes up, my breath feels constricted. I don't want to blink, not for even a second. It's her.
Twenty-two. My Liz is twenty-two years old, but looks nothing like Maria and Isabel, whom I've grown so close to in the past years. She looks tired, and worn. Any resemblance of the seventeen year-old girl that I longed for so many times is fleeting. She has not had an easy time of it, being out on her own. A faded blue summer dress clings to her slight body as she steps barefoot into her front yard.
She turns her head, sending her long tendrils of dark hair in a flutter around her face. The door swings open once again, and out steps a young child, perhaps four years old at the most. I can feel my heart drain down to my toes in an instant as the boy runs to throw his arms around Liz. I can hear her laugh as she reaches down to pick him up and hold him casually in her arms. A mother. She has a child. At twenty-two she has a child... and it's not mine.
His young eyes alert and curious, he looks across the street, then points, turning Liz's attention my way. Oh dear God, she sees me. With a friendly smile, she lifts her hand to wave, but stops as she looks more closely. The recognition and disbelief washes over her face, turning it a sickly pale, as her arms give out and she hurriedly stands the child on the ground. My eyes lock with hers, and I can't move my body. The moment that I've waited for all this time has arrived, and now I don't know how to react.
Somehow my legs find the strength, and I slowly start towards her. Protectively, she closes her arms around her child as he stands in front of her, tilting his head as he watches me. Sooner than I realize, I'm standing on the sidewalk again, only a few short inches separating her from me. Her eyes are filled with an emotion I can't seem to read. It's been so long, and so much has happened; I don't know her anymore.
There's no makeup on her face, and her hair spills down over her shoulders, none of those pretty little butterfly clips holding it in place. She used to love those things. She seems thin, much less vibrant than what I remember. Her face wears a haunted look, thinking of something in the past. All that said, I know without a doubt that I have never seen her look more beautiful.
All this time I've been dreaming of the day when I'd finally see her again, almost not even believing it was possible. That said, it's unbelievable that now I don't recall ever considering what I would say. My throat feels parched, my tongue runs over the roof of my mouth like sandpaper. Swallowing the bitter lump that's existed for so long, I part my lips to speak. "I always knew you'd have beautiful children."
Liz bites her bottom lip, a habit that brings back memories of happier times. Glancing down at the boy in her arms, a small smile plays on her lips. Her voice soft, she kneels down to speak to him, "Could you go inside please?" The boy nods obediently, scurrying away with a small truck in hand. He struggles slightly with the heavy door, then slips inside the house, leaving Liz and I alone.
"He's very quiet..." I begin tentatively. "He doesn't talk much for a kid his age."
"He's just shy..." she explains, tucking a few strands of hair behind her ear as she rises to a stand once again. "He actually um... sometimes he reminds me of you."
Despite myself, I feel a smile spread over my lips. "Really?"
With a hint of sadness she nods, her eyes focused on me. "...Yeah."
I can't take my eyes off her. All the rage that still exists somewhere deep within me that screams to be thrown into her face just melts away as I find myself elated just to be close to her. I should have known it would be this way. Even before she realized my presence in her life, still I would soften my gaze immediately just at the sight of her. It's a weakness, I know. I can't say that I mind it. I feel as if I'm sixteen again as my stomach tingles and I feel lightheaded. Fearing she'll turn away from me and enter the house, I speak again. "What's his name?"
The slight breeze finds her dress and causes it to sway gently to the side as she eyes me before answering. "Jimmy. We named him after... you know, the sheriff."
Kyle's father. Of course. I should have known. My voice is thick with resentment, but I force the next question out anyway. I have to hear it come from her lips before I'll really believe it. "He's Kyle's, isn't he?"
She nods. "Kyle and I were married soon after we left Roswell." She pauses, revealing that is as difficult a time for her to discuss as it is for me. Her hands find each other to twiddle nervously. "I didn't want to leave you."
I put my hands into my pants pockets, dropping the piece of paper with the address I no longer need into them. "But you did."
"I had to," she says firmly, but quietly. Her eyes meet mine. "You'll never understand why... but I had to, Max."
Don't. Dear God don't say my name. I can't bare to have her say my name like that, just like she always used to. My mind is too mixed up right now to be clouded with memories. In her voice I can hear her youth still. It seems an eternity has passed to place a barrier between us, but in her voice I still hear how young she is.
I can sense her reluctance as she asks, "Tell me, have you married? Did you marry Tess?"
"Tess left three years ago," I inform stiffly, hurt that she'd bring that up. There's no denying Tess had tried, but it was impossible for her to ever dream of filling Liz's shoes. Even though it was wrong, I blamed Tess for Liz's departure. Through no fault of her own, she still was a strong part of the cause for the troubles that separated Liz and I. Eventually she couldn't take it anymore and left Roswell as well. I don't know where she is.
Liz looked down to mumble something. Straining my ears, I was able to catch it. "Tess left... So it was all for nothing, nothing... Oh, Max, if only you had known it wouldn't make a difference."
If she's speaking to me, why doesn't she raise her voice so I can hear? "What wouldn't make a difference?"
Her head shoots up, her lip quivering slightly. "Nothing, I can't tell you... nothing..."
Secrets. All this time and she's still keeping that mysterious secret from me. "Liz, if it's nothing then why can't you tell me?" I demand, raising my voice, something I promised myself I wouldn't do.
She brings a hand up to her face, furrowing her brows as if she's getting a headache. Suddenly I'm concerned. Who is this girl that I've been so in love with my entire life through? There was a time when I thought our bond was so strong nothing could penetrate it, and then all of a sudden she changed. Keeping things from me, and now still, she can't just tell me what I so desperately need to know.
"I just can't, Max!" she shoots back, tears surfacing in her eyes. "It's too late now!" I can feel my defenses rapidly breaking down. The last thing I wanted to do was make her cry. "Max, why did you come here?" she asks, obviously upset, as a tear makes its way down her porcelain cheek. "I did this for you! In the hopes that you would move on and fulfill your destiny. This was my way of giving you the chance at real happiness."
"Real happiness? Liz, YOU are all that can make me happy! Without you, I'm a mess!"
Shaking her head, she backs away towards the house. "No, Max. You're still wishing for something that can never be! We're not sixteen years old anymore, and I can't just ignore what I know to be true. You and I could never be. That's why I left you, so you would let go of me and move on!" Her voice cracks as more tears fall. Frustrated; she's getting frustrated. For the life of me I cannot understand why. Where is all this coming from? All this time and still she's swearing that by some unknown fact that we can't be together. "Five years... and still you haven't let me go." Her voice is wistful. She looks up at me, her eyes tortured. "You have to let me go."
"Liz, I can never let you go." The familiar urge of my teen years comes back, and all I want to do is pull her into my arms and kiss her. If I could just kiss her, she'd remember the magic that exists between us and have no choice but to come back to me. "I can't survive without you," I go on, my words desperate. "Believe me, I've tried! I wanted to hate you, to stop loving you, especially whenever I'd think about what you've done to me. I can't, Liz! You're my soulmate... There's no me without you."
Still she shakes her head, repelling those words as if they sting. "No, Max. You're wrong." There's an edge in her voice now, a fakeness that I know is forced. If she doesn't think I can tell, then she must have forgotten what I ever was to her. "We are not meant to be together. You are meant to be with Tess. You HAVE to go find her... You don't understand the multitude of damage that will come about one day if you don't. You need Tess, Max. Not me." She pauses to soften her voice, shifting her eyes toward her home that stands behind her. "I have another life now. With my husband, and my son... I've found the happiness that I've been searching for all my teenage life."
"You're lying." She has to be. I can see it in her eyes; this isn't happiness. This is settling for second best. Boldly I step forward, wanting to pull her into my arms and break down this wall she's built between us.
"Don't touch me, Max," she warns, backing further away. "If you touch me... Max, if you touch me, I'll just die..." Liz looks to the yellowed grass beneath her feet, refusing to meet my eyes anymore. "I've sacrificed so much, SO MUCH, for the greater good, and there is no way I can back out now... I wouldn't be able to live with myself."
"The greater good? Liz, all of this that you've been saying, it's ridiculous," I insist, wanting so badly to touch her, even if only for a moment.
"It's not, Max! It's what is true, and if you would only trust that what I say is the truth, then maybe you could get over me! I need for you to leave right now, and never come back. I don't have the willpower to battle what's in my heart. Not when you're so near to me. That's why I had to leave. Don't mess it all up, Max. Being with me is not the answer. Tess is the answer. Would I be saying this if I didn't know it was true?"
I can't take much more of this. "Liz, stop telling me what is and what isn't right! Tess means nothing to me, NOTHING! You are everything to me, and if I leave here today, I'll die a broken man. You can't possibly know how things are going to turn out. NOBODY can tell the future, NOBODY!"
Her tears are freeflowing now, her voice becoming nearly hysterical. "Max, you have to leave! You have to turn around and leave right now, and never ever come back here. You have to go find Tess and find what love you're searching for in her. There are things in this world that are a certain way for a reason, and I know for a fact that she is your destiny for a reason!"
I hate to see her like this, distraught. And the words that are coming from her mouth will haunt me for years, I know. She's denying the fire that wants to climb to the surface again and pull the two of us together for eternity. She's purposefully denying herself all the beauty of what we've shared between us. I can feel it. And I don't understand it. My voice lowers; I don't want to yell at her. "Liz, you're telling me to walk away from you just when I've finally found you again. There hasn't been a night for five straight years that hasn't been sleepless for me. The dark circles are so prominent beneath my eyes, and it's because I can't be without you. My arms ache to hold you, you fit in them. My lips are hungry for your kiss, the only thing that could ever satisfy my yearning. I feel the same way I always have, and I KNOW you do, too. I can see it in your eyes, and I can feel it in the tension of the air."
My exterior is breaking down, I can feel the tears coming. Tears. I'm a man, I won't cry in front of her. "You feel what you've always felt for me, I know it. And yet you're telling me to go away, and to never come near you again. Why? What is it that caused you to run from me to Kyle's arms, and then to take him with you when you disappeared so quickly from my life?"
She's shaking her head again, bringing her hands up to cover her eyes. She can't stop the tears, and yet she won't tell me why. "Say you love me, Liz."
There's so much anguish I can see in her expression, and still she holds back. Why is life so cruel to me? What did I do to deserve to watch my only love crumble before my eyes for a reason that I'll never know? "I can't do that, Max."
My voice is so emotional, it's a wonder she can still understand my words. "Then I'll leave right now. I'll do what you want. I'll leave without touching you, without telling you what being away from you does to me. I'll leave right now and never see you again." Frantically my eyes search hers for any sign of backing down. My soul cries out to her. Please, Liz. Tell me you love me. Ask me to stay.
She cries out, her cheeks soaked from the oceans that continue to flow down her face. My hands itch to reach forward and gently wipe them away. But I can't. My sorrow is unbearable, but seeing that hers is a match is enough to kill me. The force that keeps her from opening up to me again is what's causing me to die inside. Even as I watch, my eyes sympathetic and my mind screaming to understand, I can feel my heart breaking. Topping the ache of five years ago, the pain in my chest is so severe I can hardly breathe. This is really over. Liz and I will never be together ever again. My arms will never know the feel of her weight inside of them. Not ever again.
"Leave, Max," she pleads, her eyes drinking in my face one last time. "Leave now. Don't look back. Don't ever think of me again... Just leave."
I can feel my limbs going numb. The blood is draining from my face, rushing down at lightning speed to pool in my toes. I allow my facial features to go blank as I shake my head so slowly from side to side. I can't bear to look at her anymore. Abruptly I turn on my heel and speed away, running in my suit and tie to the Jeep I have parked a few blocks away. Her words that sting to the very bottom of my being resonate in my mind, and not once do I look back.
- - -
Epilogue...
In the year 2014 A.D., a terrible battle wages on earth. Within months, the entire population is dead. Max Evans, his sister Isabel, and their friend Michael fight to the death to stop the evil that threatens to kill all of humanity.
Without the fourth link to their alien circle, Tess Harding, the three fail to save anyone, and are killed themselves. Just as it was in the dinosaur age millions and millions of years ago, all life on the planet is wiped out, being fearfully referred to beforehand as the end of the world.
As it was, Max Evans never did search for Tess. And after that pivotal summer day, he never sought love again.
The End.
AUTHOR: Elise (BehrBeMine)
DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything. Don't sue, I'll cry. ;p
SUMMARY: Upon finding out she had to turn Max away from her to prevent the end of the world, Liz ran from Roswell. Five years later, she's confronted by Max, who refuses to give up hope that their saga is over. This is what unfolds, told from Max's point of view.
DISTRIBUTION: Guilty Pleasures - - http://www.sevensoupcans.com/guilty/
To archive anywhere else, just ask.
RATING: PG-13
PAIRING: Max/Liz
SPOILERS: Takes place after 'The End of the World'.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I beg of you not to flame me. The ending may not be the happiest possible, but the fic is still told in the vein of Max and Liz, and from the standpoint of an eternal dreamer.
The tremble in my hand betrays the calm exterior I've taken so long to build. Over five years it's been since I last saw her face, and I can't help but to feel this is the moment I've been waiting for ever since she left.
I think it would be correct to presume that most people in my situation would be pretty ticked off about what happened to them. And I was, for awhile. But I guess it's true what they say, that time heals all wounds. Add that to the age-old "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and there you'll find my state of mind.
For awhile everyone presumed I was merely in denial. Refusing to believe that she really had left me, that what I'd seen in front of my very own eyes wasn't just a nightmare. No, I was never in denial. From the moment I saw the look on her face I knew it was real. And that I had lost her forever. For years I've struggled with trying to figure out whom was at fault. Did she do the right thing in turning me down and slicing my heart to pieces? Maybe I brought it all upon myself in some subtle and idiotic way. But after five years of torment I've decided that none of it really matters. Regardless of the factors that led up to the events that refuse to flee from my memory, they did happen, and she did leave me.
You know, it's funny how teenagers can overdramatize things to the point that they're sure that whatever catastrophe they're currently witnessing will always remain their most life-altering moment. I always thought I had experienced mine as I neared Liz's bedroom window that night and peeked in only to find her in bed with Kyle Valenti. My first impulse had been to go jump off a building, and for that reason I just assumed I would never again experience anything capable of affecting me as deeply. But now, as I stand on the opposite side of the street, staring at this little one-story home in Santa Fe, I realize this moment overtakes anything I've had to face before. It wouldn't seem possible to an innocent passer-by, but right now I'm more frightened than I've ever been in my entire life. I'm supposed to be a man and yet here I stand, trembling down to my bones and unable to take a single step forward.
She's in that house. He might be, too. At this moment I can't seem to decide whether or not I want him to be. If this were taking place even a year earlier, I would want nothing more than to barge into that house and slam my rock-hard fist into his face. His face that taunted me for years, never for one second letting me forget that she left me, with him. That she chose him over me. That in the end, he won. And I lost everything.
It's a good thing those two didn't turn around and come back after they left without notice. For if they had, I would have killed him. Nothing on earth would have been able to stop me until his body lay cold and dead in the ground. And I would have hated her. So many times I've wondered why I don't just hate her. I should. But I can't. It's my curse for loving her more than life itself despite my anger. If she choked me with her bare hands, still I would go on loving her. Sometimes I really hate myself for that.
It's rather ironic now that I think back on it. For years, every time my gaze fell upon her, I fell in love with her all over again. Every single time. And the last time I ever saw her, I felt nothing but betrayal and hurt. The guilty look of her eyes was so painfully obvious. Suddenly that face that I'd always adored, that face that I'd kissed with my lips and held in my hands, that beautiful face, revealed nothing but guilt and shame. And now, whenever I try to look back on her, I can see nothing but that last look, can feel nothing but that tremendous pain that cut into me like a knife.
--- Flashback ---
The knocks on the front door came loud and clear, startling Kyle as he awoke from his slumber. Grunting, he looked over to the clock on his dresser: 3:02. The knocks came again, panicked and harsh.
As quickly as his tired and clumsy feet would allow, Kyle made his way to the front door, managing to painfully stumble into a great many things on the way. Angered at the idiot that was pounding on his door at three in the morning, he threw open the door, the deep frown on his face ready to frighten someone away. Immediately it melted to a look of concern as the opened door revealed a broken Liz.
Tears streaked her already soaking-wet face while uncontrollable sobs came from her throat. Her arms were wrapped tightly around her small body that shook violently with each new wave of sobs, and she swayed slightly from side to side, the usual stance of a troubled teenager. She tried to speak, but couldn't seem to get any words out.
In an uncustomarily caring gesture, Kyle reached out to pull her into his strong arms, trying to soothe her while rocking back and forth. In all the time he'd known her, only once before had she ever allowed herself to cry in front of him. In eighth grade she had sprained her ankle during P.E., and Kyle had volunteered to help her to the nurse's office. On the way down the hall, she'd finally shed a few tears, sobbing out something about the pain.
What a day. First he climbed into bed with her without even knowing why, and now here she had come running to him, distressed beyond belief about something that she couldn't reveal until the crying stopped. Up until now it hadn't occurred to him that since he and Liz's break-up months ago, she'd always had Max to run to. Now, since that scene he'd helped play out in the bedroom, she had no one else. Wonderful. He was a substitute.
The desert air was chill, and as the wind blew it inside to steal the warmth from Kyle's bare feet, he eased Liz into the house, kicking the door shut behind her. Now that she was inside, her reason for coming resurfaced in her mind, and she choked back the sobs, looking around for a tissue. "Here," Kyle said, realizing what she must be searching for. He reached over to the coffee table and brought her the tissue box.
"Thank you," she whispered, her voice drained from all the crying. Silently she dabbed at her eyes and wiped the tears from her face, forcing back the remaining oceans inside of her that threatened to keep coming. "Can I use your bathroom?"
"Oh, yeah, sure... you remember where it is," said Kyle with a bit of confusion evident on his face, pointing down the hall. Liz headed in that direction. "Be quiet, though. You don't want to wake Tess or my dad up."
Once inside the bathroom, Liz was able to inspect her face. She groaned upon seeing how grimy it looked, the tearstreaks standing out against her pale skin. Turning the faucet on, she cupped some ice cold water within her hands, splashing it on her face, hoping to conceal some of the despair that existed within her. After drying it off, she decided it did look a bit better. Inhaling deeply, she composed herself before stepping out to face Kyle once more.
Quietly, she tip-toed back to the living room to find Kyle sitting on the couch. Trying to form definite sentences in her head, Liz seated herself next to him, looking very closely at his face. He looked sleepy. That wasn't good. She needed him to be fully awake for this.
Her mouth opened a few times before any real words came out, and Kyle watched with what seemed to be a mix of curiosity and almost annoyance. She probably shouldn't have come in the middle of the night, but she just had to. If she didn't do this now, she never would. "Listen, Kyle..." she began, choosing her words very carefully, "I'm sorry to just show up like this. I know I woke you up. You're not a real morning person, I remember that..."
"Liz, it's alright. I'm awake now. Whatever. So can you please just get to the point and tell me why you're here? And why were you crying? Did Max do something to you?"
How to answer that question? Only a few seconds passed before Liz answered with certainty, "No, no, no, Kyle, it's nothing like that... Well, I mean, like before, I can't really tell you..." She faltered when she saw the flicker of anger in Kyle's eyes. He was getting impatient with this secretive thing. She couldn't say she blamed him. Focusing her eyes intently on his own, her voice became serious. "Kyle, I've come here tonight to ask you something very important. It's more important than anything I've ever asked you before, and I need for you to just not think I'm crazy right now."
Kyle raised his eyebrows, urging her to continue.
Liz felt her nerve wittling away to nothing, so she went ahead and said it before she backed out. "Will you run away with me?"
--- End Flashback ---
Five years is a long time. That first year was the most difficult to get through. It was hard for me to see her locker every day as I walked into the highschool, always expecting her to walk up to it and spin the combination. They assigned me a new lab partner in biology. That was hell on earth.
For the first few days, her parents were nervewracked, constantly calling my house to question anything I might know about where Liz had gone. I don't know if they ever really believed that I had no idea. The sheriff was frantic, running to me right away when he discovered that Kyle was missing. Easily enough we all knew the two had gone together. It made sense, to the Parkers and the sheriff because the two had gone out the year before, and to me because of that awful scene I'd witnessed in her bedroom.
I never could figure out what it was that provoked Liz to run to Kyle again... to this day I have no idea why, of all people, she chose HIM to sleep with. I mean I may be just bitter, but it seemed to me that even before I came into the picture, Liz and Kyle never really shared a strong, lasting relationship. But there must have been something there, because in the middle of the night the two snuck away from this small town together.
It hurt that she didn't even have the courtesy to leave me a note, a message on my answering machine, nothing. No matter how quickly I thought I had to get out of Roswell, I would have found a way to say goodbye to her. After all we'd been through together, she must have known how deeply I cared for her and would always care for her, despite the fact that she slept with another.
A few days after their disappearance, the sheriff and the Parkers stopped calling my house at all hours, begging for any clue as to where their children might be. It didn't take long for me to notice their newfound calm, and after confronting the sheriff about it, I knew it was because Kyle and Liz had called the three, which meant that they knew where they were. Rage boiled within me that I'd never known I could possess when the sheriff explained to me that Liz had requested that I never know where she and Kyle were. It was a poorly disguised way of revealing that she never wanted to see me again. But why? What had I done? What had I ever done to deserve this?
I tried questioning Maria, but it was obvious she didn't know any more than I did. It was the same with Alex. I found solace in lashing out at Liz with her friends that she had also left behind. Many a night the three of us sat together way past midnight, spitting angry words that we would say to her if she ever had the nerve to show up again. And then we'd all grow quiet and silently reprimand ourselves for thinking so badly of her. Deep down I always knew there was a reason for all of this, a cause that she couldn't tell me for whatever reason.
It was torturous, to say the least, watching Michael's relationship with Maria grow and bloom into something so beautiful I could have killed someone it was so goddamn unfair. Liz and I could have had that, should have had that... would have had that, and I knew it without a doubt. Very rarely does someone really have the good fortune of finding their soulmate. Rarer, still, that they lose that soulmate to someone else. On my better days, I used to joke that Liz must have hit her head HARD before running to Kyle's arms on that day that changed everything.
Without fail, I asked the sheriff time and time again to tell me where Liz was. I begged and pleaded, one time I even got down on my knees and almost shed tears, so desperate for him to just tell me. A couple of times I promised never to go there or to contact her, if only he'd let me know where she was. He must have sensed that that was a sure lie, because he never did tell me. Every year I sent him a blank card for Christmas, and on the inside the same message was always printed in black letters, "Tell me." I realize now that I must have made that man's life a living hell in my search for Liz's whereabouts, but I was beyond desperate.
Sometimes at night I would physically ache to have her near me. She had become so much a part of me since that fateful day in The Crashdown; and on those lonely nights when Michael took Maria out for a romantic dinner or Alex cajoled Isabel to go out dancing, I was left to sit alone in my room, thinking of her for hours, constantly torturing myself with that final memory. I searched my mind through and through for any clues Liz might have dropped that I could have picked up on, and realized she was going to leave. But never could I think of a single thing I'd done to make her want to leave me without a trace. It was always obvious in the back of my mind that there was the whole destiny angle that might have upset her, but I thought we had gotten through that.
I spent hours in libraries, tirelessly searching for Valenti in the phonebooks, any that I could get my hands on. She must have married Kyle; why else would they leave together? After I'd called and bothered everyone named Valenti in the United States, I moved on to Parker. That, too, came up empty. No Kyle, no Liz. She must have known I'd search for her. They must have changed their last name...
Maria asked the Parkers for any small bits of information, but they were adamant, refusing to reveal anything. Quite obviously Liz and Kyle had shushed both they and the sheriff indefinitely. She must have told them her reason for leaving. And although both Maria and I tried, we couldn't even get any of them to reveal that much.
Although I'm ashamed to say it, I even went so far as to break into the Parker house in search for some answers. I figured they would have a phone number, an address, a name, a clue, anything, somewhere. I was so frustrated when that, too, left me empty-handed. For the life of me I don't know why I didn't just lose hope and give up, like any normal level-headed teenager would do. I guess I really couldn't accept the possibility that I might never see my first love again.
I call her my first love, but she's my only love. I see right through other girls, as if they're not even there. I don't want them to be there. For me there was only Liz. With her gone, I've condemned myself to a life of being completely and utterly alone. Isabel has voiced her displeasure with my nonexistent social life many a time. She reasons that it's not fair, it's stupid, even, to make myself miserable just because of what Liz did to me. But she couldn't possibly understand. Alex would never leave her. When Liz left the small town of Roswell, she took my heart along with her.
--- Flashback ---
"Come again?" Kyle said, more than a bit surprised at the question.
"Please don't make me repeat it," Liz said in a tired voice. "I've come to you, Kyle, and I'm asking you to run with me. I'm not quite sure why, except that I know I have to leave, and I know we once had something special between us... You were the first person that came to my mind. And you're the only person that I want to come." Her voice cracked, revealing the fear she'd tried to keep subdued. "I don't want to go alone."
Kyle sat back, stunned. Something major must have happened in the last twenty-four hours that he was unaware of. This wasn't Liz. It wasn't like her to just jump into an irrational action like this. "Why do you have to leave?"
"I can't tell you unless you come with me." With her eyes Liz pleaded, knowing she was putting her friend in a terrible position, and knowing that asking him to come was selfish of her, but she needed someone to be with her, or else she didn't feel she had the strength to get through another day.
For some reason he'll never understand, Kyle nodded. Something in her eyes told him that this was serious; she wasn't kidding. The two had hardly spoken in the last year or so, and yet she'd asked him, of all people, to come with her. It was flattering, really... and also a bit strange. He watched as her eyes lit up with gratitude, the pools of wet tears threatening to surface once again.
"...Let me go get a few things," he said, his voice now husky. What was he getting himself into? With caution, he stole down the hallway to his bedroom, where a sleeping Tess caused him to tiptoe to his dresser as he gathered anything he didn't want to leave behind. Shoving whatever he could get his hands on into a sports bag, Kyle stopped to look sadly at what he was leaving behind. Tess's labored breathing was the only sound in the room as he stood still in the doorway. With an unsure shake of his head, he left, making his way back to Liz.
Clasping his hand in the darkness, Liz lead Kyle out of the house, closing the door quietly behind them. Like thieves in the night, they stole over to the small pick-up he had recently gotten as a birthday present. Tossing his bag behind the seats, he turned to give Liz a look of uncertainty as he turned the key in the ignition. She looked overwhelmed, turning away to look out the window. The millions of stars twinkled in the sky to guide the way to a new home. Her voice hoarse from sobbing for hours, Liz whispered a hasty, "Goodbye Max."
--- End Flashback ---
Enough stalling; it's time to do what I came here to do. Suddenly that house seems so far away. This is a nice street, one like I always pictured I'd live on one day. With Liz. It figures that she would have a home like this. It's cozy, and... normal. I can't help but to smile at the pretty little yellow shutters on a window to the left of the house. The sun blazes overhead, making me regret wearing a suit and tie in Sante Fe during the summer.
Sante Fe. This entire time, she's been right under my nose. And I never would have known it. You're probably wondering how I finally got the address. I can thank the sheriff for that. All my years of pestering weren't in vain; he left it to me in his will. Though I'd always been wary of him because of the secret he kept from me, the sheriff and I worked together to pull Michael, Isabel and I out of many a difficult situation. You can't do that and not come to admire someone like Jim Valenti. He put his life on the line for my sake too many times to count.
All those years of fighting to save a different species. And in the true spirit of irony, he was killed by one of his own. A hostage situation downtown put a bullet in his chest. It was one of the Roswell policemen, in fact. Everybody knew it was an accident, but I shudder everytime I see that policeman on the street.
It's been two weeks now since the sheriff took his last breath. With no family in town, he was all alone, except for Amy DeLuca and I. Looking back on the way we came into each others' lives so long ago, it's strange to think that I was holding his hand when he flatlined. Weak sunlight shone through the drawn shades of the hospital room as nurses ushered me out into the hallway. Without a doubt I'd call that one of the saddest days of my life... And it was his death that finally brought me to confront the demons of another of my bad days. An envelope was handed to me as his short will was read; he didn't have any money to leave, but oh, nothing he could have possibly left to me could have meant more.
The envelope was light, there wasn't much in it. Two small pieces of paper. On one, the address of Kyle and Liz White. "It was his wife's maiden name," Amy later explained to me. On the other piece of paper was the message that has brought me here today, "Tell my son I love him."
Both are now rather mangled, due to my nervous folding and unfolding on the way here. I must have been standing here for over an hour by now, and still I don't quite feel I have the nerve to face her after all these years. A part of me wants to see her depressed and broken, feeling as I've felt each night since she left. But I know there's a stronger part of me that hopes she's made something of her life, and hopes that Kyle has made her happy.
A slight wind comes to rustle the trees overhead, and sweep a cool breeze around my body. I prepare to finally take a step towards the house, but before I can do that the front door swings open. My throat closes up, my breath feels constricted. I don't want to blink, not for even a second. It's her.
Twenty-two. My Liz is twenty-two years old, but looks nothing like Maria and Isabel, whom I've grown so close to in the past years. She looks tired, and worn. Any resemblance of the seventeen year-old girl that I longed for so many times is fleeting. She has not had an easy time of it, being out on her own. A faded blue summer dress clings to her slight body as she steps barefoot into her front yard.
She turns her head, sending her long tendrils of dark hair in a flutter around her face. The door swings open once again, and out steps a young child, perhaps four years old at the most. I can feel my heart drain down to my toes in an instant as the boy runs to throw his arms around Liz. I can hear her laugh as she reaches down to pick him up and hold him casually in her arms. A mother. She has a child. At twenty-two she has a child... and it's not mine.
His young eyes alert and curious, he looks across the street, then points, turning Liz's attention my way. Oh dear God, she sees me. With a friendly smile, she lifts her hand to wave, but stops as she looks more closely. The recognition and disbelief washes over her face, turning it a sickly pale, as her arms give out and she hurriedly stands the child on the ground. My eyes lock with hers, and I can't move my body. The moment that I've waited for all this time has arrived, and now I don't know how to react.
Somehow my legs find the strength, and I slowly start towards her. Protectively, she closes her arms around her child as he stands in front of her, tilting his head as he watches me. Sooner than I realize, I'm standing on the sidewalk again, only a few short inches separating her from me. Her eyes are filled with an emotion I can't seem to read. It's been so long, and so much has happened; I don't know her anymore.
There's no makeup on her face, and her hair spills down over her shoulders, none of those pretty little butterfly clips holding it in place. She used to love those things. She seems thin, much less vibrant than what I remember. Her face wears a haunted look, thinking of something in the past. All that said, I know without a doubt that I have never seen her look more beautiful.
All this time I've been dreaming of the day when I'd finally see her again, almost not even believing it was possible. That said, it's unbelievable that now I don't recall ever considering what I would say. My throat feels parched, my tongue runs over the roof of my mouth like sandpaper. Swallowing the bitter lump that's existed for so long, I part my lips to speak. "I always knew you'd have beautiful children."
Liz bites her bottom lip, a habit that brings back memories of happier times. Glancing down at the boy in her arms, a small smile plays on her lips. Her voice soft, she kneels down to speak to him, "Could you go inside please?" The boy nods obediently, scurrying away with a small truck in hand. He struggles slightly with the heavy door, then slips inside the house, leaving Liz and I alone.
"He's very quiet..." I begin tentatively. "He doesn't talk much for a kid his age."
"He's just shy..." she explains, tucking a few strands of hair behind her ear as she rises to a stand once again. "He actually um... sometimes he reminds me of you."
Despite myself, I feel a smile spread over my lips. "Really?"
With a hint of sadness she nods, her eyes focused on me. "...Yeah."
I can't take my eyes off her. All the rage that still exists somewhere deep within me that screams to be thrown into her face just melts away as I find myself elated just to be close to her. I should have known it would be this way. Even before she realized my presence in her life, still I would soften my gaze immediately just at the sight of her. It's a weakness, I know. I can't say that I mind it. I feel as if I'm sixteen again as my stomach tingles and I feel lightheaded. Fearing she'll turn away from me and enter the house, I speak again. "What's his name?"
The slight breeze finds her dress and causes it to sway gently to the side as she eyes me before answering. "Jimmy. We named him after... you know, the sheriff."
Kyle's father. Of course. I should have known. My voice is thick with resentment, but I force the next question out anyway. I have to hear it come from her lips before I'll really believe it. "He's Kyle's, isn't he?"
She nods. "Kyle and I were married soon after we left Roswell." She pauses, revealing that is as difficult a time for her to discuss as it is for me. Her hands find each other to twiddle nervously. "I didn't want to leave you."
I put my hands into my pants pockets, dropping the piece of paper with the address I no longer need into them. "But you did."
"I had to," she says firmly, but quietly. Her eyes meet mine. "You'll never understand why... but I had to, Max."
Don't. Dear God don't say my name. I can't bare to have her say my name like that, just like she always used to. My mind is too mixed up right now to be clouded with memories. In her voice I can hear her youth still. It seems an eternity has passed to place a barrier between us, but in her voice I still hear how young she is.
I can sense her reluctance as she asks, "Tell me, have you married? Did you marry Tess?"
"Tess left three years ago," I inform stiffly, hurt that she'd bring that up. There's no denying Tess had tried, but it was impossible for her to ever dream of filling Liz's shoes. Even though it was wrong, I blamed Tess for Liz's departure. Through no fault of her own, she still was a strong part of the cause for the troubles that separated Liz and I. Eventually she couldn't take it anymore and left Roswell as well. I don't know where she is.
Liz looked down to mumble something. Straining my ears, I was able to catch it. "Tess left... So it was all for nothing, nothing... Oh, Max, if only you had known it wouldn't make a difference."
If she's speaking to me, why doesn't she raise her voice so I can hear? "What wouldn't make a difference?"
Her head shoots up, her lip quivering slightly. "Nothing, I can't tell you... nothing..."
Secrets. All this time and she's still keeping that mysterious secret from me. "Liz, if it's nothing then why can't you tell me?" I demand, raising my voice, something I promised myself I wouldn't do.
She brings a hand up to her face, furrowing her brows as if she's getting a headache. Suddenly I'm concerned. Who is this girl that I've been so in love with my entire life through? There was a time when I thought our bond was so strong nothing could penetrate it, and then all of a sudden she changed. Keeping things from me, and now still, she can't just tell me what I so desperately need to know.
"I just can't, Max!" she shoots back, tears surfacing in her eyes. "It's too late now!" I can feel my defenses rapidly breaking down. The last thing I wanted to do was make her cry. "Max, why did you come here?" she asks, obviously upset, as a tear makes its way down her porcelain cheek. "I did this for you! In the hopes that you would move on and fulfill your destiny. This was my way of giving you the chance at real happiness."
"Real happiness? Liz, YOU are all that can make me happy! Without you, I'm a mess!"
Shaking her head, she backs away towards the house. "No, Max. You're still wishing for something that can never be! We're not sixteen years old anymore, and I can't just ignore what I know to be true. You and I could never be. That's why I left you, so you would let go of me and move on!" Her voice cracks as more tears fall. Frustrated; she's getting frustrated. For the life of me I cannot understand why. Where is all this coming from? All this time and still she's swearing that by some unknown fact that we can't be together. "Five years... and still you haven't let me go." Her voice is wistful. She looks up at me, her eyes tortured. "You have to let me go."
"Liz, I can never let you go." The familiar urge of my teen years comes back, and all I want to do is pull her into my arms and kiss her. If I could just kiss her, she'd remember the magic that exists between us and have no choice but to come back to me. "I can't survive without you," I go on, my words desperate. "Believe me, I've tried! I wanted to hate you, to stop loving you, especially whenever I'd think about what you've done to me. I can't, Liz! You're my soulmate... There's no me without you."
Still she shakes her head, repelling those words as if they sting. "No, Max. You're wrong." There's an edge in her voice now, a fakeness that I know is forced. If she doesn't think I can tell, then she must have forgotten what I ever was to her. "We are not meant to be together. You are meant to be with Tess. You HAVE to go find her... You don't understand the multitude of damage that will come about one day if you don't. You need Tess, Max. Not me." She pauses to soften her voice, shifting her eyes toward her home that stands behind her. "I have another life now. With my husband, and my son... I've found the happiness that I've been searching for all my teenage life."
"You're lying." She has to be. I can see it in her eyes; this isn't happiness. This is settling for second best. Boldly I step forward, wanting to pull her into my arms and break down this wall she's built between us.
"Don't touch me, Max," she warns, backing further away. "If you touch me... Max, if you touch me, I'll just die..." Liz looks to the yellowed grass beneath her feet, refusing to meet my eyes anymore. "I've sacrificed so much, SO MUCH, for the greater good, and there is no way I can back out now... I wouldn't be able to live with myself."
"The greater good? Liz, all of this that you've been saying, it's ridiculous," I insist, wanting so badly to touch her, even if only for a moment.
"It's not, Max! It's what is true, and if you would only trust that what I say is the truth, then maybe you could get over me! I need for you to leave right now, and never come back. I don't have the willpower to battle what's in my heart. Not when you're so near to me. That's why I had to leave. Don't mess it all up, Max. Being with me is not the answer. Tess is the answer. Would I be saying this if I didn't know it was true?"
I can't take much more of this. "Liz, stop telling me what is and what isn't right! Tess means nothing to me, NOTHING! You are everything to me, and if I leave here today, I'll die a broken man. You can't possibly know how things are going to turn out. NOBODY can tell the future, NOBODY!"
Her tears are freeflowing now, her voice becoming nearly hysterical. "Max, you have to leave! You have to turn around and leave right now, and never ever come back here. You have to go find Tess and find what love you're searching for in her. There are things in this world that are a certain way for a reason, and I know for a fact that she is your destiny for a reason!"
I hate to see her like this, distraught. And the words that are coming from her mouth will haunt me for years, I know. She's denying the fire that wants to climb to the surface again and pull the two of us together for eternity. She's purposefully denying herself all the beauty of what we've shared between us. I can feel it. And I don't understand it. My voice lowers; I don't want to yell at her. "Liz, you're telling me to walk away from you just when I've finally found you again. There hasn't been a night for five straight years that hasn't been sleepless for me. The dark circles are so prominent beneath my eyes, and it's because I can't be without you. My arms ache to hold you, you fit in them. My lips are hungry for your kiss, the only thing that could ever satisfy my yearning. I feel the same way I always have, and I KNOW you do, too. I can see it in your eyes, and I can feel it in the tension of the air."
My exterior is breaking down, I can feel the tears coming. Tears. I'm a man, I won't cry in front of her. "You feel what you've always felt for me, I know it. And yet you're telling me to go away, and to never come near you again. Why? What is it that caused you to run from me to Kyle's arms, and then to take him with you when you disappeared so quickly from my life?"
She's shaking her head again, bringing her hands up to cover her eyes. She can't stop the tears, and yet she won't tell me why. "Say you love me, Liz."
There's so much anguish I can see in her expression, and still she holds back. Why is life so cruel to me? What did I do to deserve to watch my only love crumble before my eyes for a reason that I'll never know? "I can't do that, Max."
My voice is so emotional, it's a wonder she can still understand my words. "Then I'll leave right now. I'll do what you want. I'll leave without touching you, without telling you what being away from you does to me. I'll leave right now and never see you again." Frantically my eyes search hers for any sign of backing down. My soul cries out to her. Please, Liz. Tell me you love me. Ask me to stay.
She cries out, her cheeks soaked from the oceans that continue to flow down her face. My hands itch to reach forward and gently wipe them away. But I can't. My sorrow is unbearable, but seeing that hers is a match is enough to kill me. The force that keeps her from opening up to me again is what's causing me to die inside. Even as I watch, my eyes sympathetic and my mind screaming to understand, I can feel my heart breaking. Topping the ache of five years ago, the pain in my chest is so severe I can hardly breathe. This is really over. Liz and I will never be together ever again. My arms will never know the feel of her weight inside of them. Not ever again.
"Leave, Max," she pleads, her eyes drinking in my face one last time. "Leave now. Don't look back. Don't ever think of me again... Just leave."
I can feel my limbs going numb. The blood is draining from my face, rushing down at lightning speed to pool in my toes. I allow my facial features to go blank as I shake my head so slowly from side to side. I can't bear to look at her anymore. Abruptly I turn on my heel and speed away, running in my suit and tie to the Jeep I have parked a few blocks away. Her words that sting to the very bottom of my being resonate in my mind, and not once do I look back.
- - -
Epilogue...
In the year 2014 A.D., a terrible battle wages on earth. Within months, the entire population is dead. Max Evans, his sister Isabel, and their friend Michael fight to the death to stop the evil that threatens to kill all of humanity.
Without the fourth link to their alien circle, Tess Harding, the three fail to save anyone, and are killed themselves. Just as it was in the dinosaur age millions and millions of years ago, all life on the planet is wiped out, being fearfully referred to beforehand as the end of the world.
As it was, Max Evans never did search for Tess. And after that pivotal summer day, he never sought love again.
The End.