Harden My Heart
For Alex
Author's Note: I do not own the song Harden My Heart, nor do I own the characters from Utena. I'm borrowing both. But I'd like to dedicate this to Alex, because she's always been sweet in approving my writing and complimenting me, as well as bothering to play Utena with me. So this is for you.
[Cryin' on the corner
Waitin' in the rain
I swear I'll never ever wait again]
She didn't know why she bothered anymore, this pantherine woman, so stoic and cold with a layer of vulnerability beneath her masks. To let her hopes raise every time, and then crash down brutally, break into glass shards by her feet, was devastating. And each time she left with a proud face, stern, cold. With a head held up high and shoulders straight, whole posture screaming strength, while her heart broke thread by thread.
And each time, the sky above had poured its own tears for her. Shed crystalline drops when Juri herself would not allow it to happen.
Orange locks stuck to her face, plastered themselves against her neck, and the stiff collar of her school jacket had drooped, dripping drops of water. Her fingers shook with cold, form leaned so easily against a stray white column. Unmoved. She liked to think she drew strength from the marble against her, that she was just as strong as this man-made object. That nothing could break her, not even the weathering from rain and wind.
Pale fingers grazed a hidden lump beneath soaked clothing, and a sigh passed through parted lips. Why did she wait? Why did she wish so much to catch a glimpse of violet hair and smiling lips, when everything would crumble later?
Because... she might show one of these times. Juri answered herself with a frown. But believe in that was like believing in miracles; it would not happen.
[You gave me a word
But words for you are lies]
The knock on her door jarred her from her thoughts, and tired ocean eyes slid to the hard wood, waited. Maybe, if she was silent, if she held her breath and closed her eyes once more, the hidden figure would leave. Would choose to not bother her with apologies and fake promises to meet again sometime. But another rap, and her eyes flew open, tired limbs crossing the small space of the dorm room to open the door.
Violet eyes were sad as they gazed upwards, pouting mouth, small hands shaking. And Juri was almost surprised at herself to think that maybe this time... this time something truly bothered the cruelly innocent girl. "Yes, Shiori?"
Shiori sniffed, glancing away slowly, hands wringing the school skirt slowly. " I.... I missed you -"
"You didn't show, after an hour, I assumed you weren't coming." The panther's reply was quick, angered slightly as she rested her hand against the wooden frame, blocking entrance. She noticed the other flinch, look up with tear-filled eyes, and sighed. "You look cold..." Stepping aside, she allowed the butterfly and entrance.
Mischievous eyes danced with joy as she stepped in, and Shiori turned around slowly, allowing the act to go on. "It was cold outside..."
She's not wet. Juri noted to herself with a slight, smug smirk on her lips. Had she been outside, she should be as wet as I am. But she allowed the other her lies, her doubt, even as a petite hand came to caress her cheek, violet meeting blue-green. "I was going to come this time."
"I know." Was the soft reply.
[Darlin' in my wildest dreams
I never thought I'd go]
A thumb grazed a lower lip, and the sometimes cruel girl inched closer, other hand rising to press across a covered heart, still faintly damp. The golden trinket she felt beneath made her heart skip a bit; so Juri still wore it. Her grin was triumphant. "Tell me, Juri... does it hurt you so very much, to see me with those other students? Smiling and laughter. Knowing I love them, more then I ever felt anything for you?"
She'd been expecting something like that... she'd been waiting for the painful words to slip past tiny lips. So when they did, she merely smiled, a sad, knowing smile before her hand rose, captured Shiori's and brought it down from her face. "It's late, Shiori."
[But its time to let you know
I'm going to harden my heart]
The lavender haired girl giggled behind her fingertips, seemingly sweetness. Seemingly bright smiles and flaunting pale skin, shining eyes beneath purple eyelashes. "You want me to leave, Juri?" She reached up again, frowning as her hand was caught tightly within a lion's grip.
The fencer's long fingers gripped small ones, and her eyes hardened slightly, tone becoming something of ice. "Yes. It's late..."
Pulling back from the strong grip, Shiori rolled her eyes, scoffing slightly and folding her arms over her chest. "Do you have no heart for old friends? You won't even allow them ten minutes in your room, a place to stay from the coldness outside?" She tsked, clicked her tongue.
"The only heart I have, Shiori, is the one around my neck. And metal is not bent by emotion."
[I'm going to swallow my tears
I'm going to turn and leave you here...]
It always seemed to work out like this, the hero alone. The prince without its princess, left to wallow in a grief so thick it could choke you, if you stayed too long. The door's slam still echoed dully, vibrated off the pale colored walls, and Juri stood with her fingers to temples, rubbing them softly.
Would she ever truly step away from the innocent? Or would she be forced to play Prince forever, never allowing tears or slouching shoulders, bowing head. Not in front of anyone, at least. But that's how Panther's were, strong and merciless. Cold and territorial. Untouched by emotion, like a metal heart. A metal rose locket.
Sighing in the stillness of the quiet room, bare feet padded to the bathroom, and a school uniform still damp with rain was discarded, locket following soon after. The sound of gushing water broke through the silence, and beneath it, the barely audible tone of a woman who had nothing left. A woman who's cries, and beneath the strong beads of water, sounded like a pained roar.
[All of my life
I've been waitin' in the rain
I've been waitin' for a feelin' that never ever came]
"Do you really love her?" A pale hand breezed through topaz hair, and the wolfish girl grinned, leaning against the empty classroom door. "You must, by the way you've been sulking for the past two days. What did she do this time, Juri? Make promises she never intended to keep?"
Juri didn't look up, merely tossed her curls over one shoulder and let her fingers grip tighter on the pen she held so firmly, words falling on white paper carefully. Neatly. "You two are very much the same, you do realize that Kozue, don't you? Both pretending to be things you really aren't."
Kozue stiffened, scowling slightly. She was not one to be insulted. "Are we now? At least I can turn her down, push her away. Ignore her. You've never been able to do that, Arisugawa." Her formalities cut the air sharply, like the tip of a shining sword. "And unlike you, I do not cling to things that do not want me. I do not let a chain strangle me."
For a moment, the strong girl seemed to falter, stiffen then sadden, and it made the topaz haired girl scowl even more. It was almost pathetic, the way Juri chose to show her emotions, her weakness. "Let her go. It won't hurt you to do it, and it sure isn't going to hurt her."
[Feels so close
But always disappears]
Ocean met blue, and the taller woman nodded slightly, taking in words she would never follow. "You don't know what it's like, Kozue, to want something so bad it hurts to even glance at them. How your heart can shatter at one simple word, or beat faster then humanly possible. I could go on, I could smile and laugh and play the friend with her once more, but she knows. She knows her strength now, so I should turn away? I should allow her that strength and power, without a backward glance? Give in..." She shook her head slowly, brushing hair from her view. "It won't do anything, you know it. She'll persist, she'll continue on, with or without this locket around my neck."
A slow tsk, shake of her head, and Kozue glanced away, pushing herself from the door, fingers tapping against the light colored wood. "Maybe I don't know, Juri. But she's not the only person out there for you. You're just clinging to her, because you don't know anything else. You don't know what it could be like, with another..."
A golden red eyebrow raised slightly, and her smirk touched her lips faintly. "Are you suggesting something, Miss Kaoru?"
The smirk was returned. "Perhaps..."
[Darlin' in your wildest dreams
You never had to prove
But its time you got the news]
Rumors spread across the Academy grounds like wildfire, but this one... this one didn't make sense. Not to her anyway. It couldn't be true, could it? Had Juri really thrown away her chains. According to the fencing club students, a familiar gold trinket had not been seen on the champion Fencer's neck lately.
It made Shiori sick, to think she'd been forgotten so easily. Tossed aside. Her tiny hands wrung slightly, and she shook her head quickly, violet hair touching in front of her eyes. Caressed her cheeks and brushed the sides of her neck. No, she wouldn't believe. Not until she saw it with her own eyes, felt an empty neck with her own fingers.
No matter how small a butterfly might be, it would not be overlooked. Its wings were too vibrant, its form too alluring, especially for someone like the Panther.
[I'm going to harden my heart
I'm going to swallow my tears
I'm going to turn and leave you here...]
"Is it true, Juri?" Her voice was soft, kept in tact, kept low and almost sad as her head fell to the side, purple strands easily tucked behind her ear. The fencing room was empty, but it would be likely, for the other to linger here, to practice by herself.
"Is what true, Shiori?" Her own tone was civil, almost polite as she bent to retrieve a stray foil, holding the sword-like weapon out for a moment, icy eyes inspecting it carefully before it was placed in the rack along with the other's.
"Have you forgotten me already? I always thought... I might stay with you. Near your heart." She'd crept from her protective shadows, wrapped a tiny arm around an athletic waist, leaning her head against soft shoulders. "You really do hate me now...?"
Shiori wasn't expecting silence, of all things, silence was the last of what she expected. She expected a confession, guilt, shame. But not this, this unnerving silence that echoed around them, painful even to her. "Juri..."
[Darlin' in my wildest dreams
I never thought I'd go]
Slowly, she untangled herself from the smaller one's grasp, and head for the door. "I don't have to answer your questions anymore, Shiori."
Walking away was easy, her feet moved for her. One, two, three, four, five. Step after step after step. A constant in her life, it seemed. Running, walking away. Unable to face what she wanted, unable to control her own life. Her own want. And even now, when the gold rose did not hang around her neck, trapping her, she felt emptier then before...
And somehow, she thought Shiori knew that.
[But its time to let you know
I'm going to harden my heart]
Violet eyes watched the stoic figure move away, and her emotions were battling to show themselves on her face. Anger, betrayal, hurt, nervousness. If Juri left… if Juri moved away, left her to this empty place with its dark shadows, then she really would be useless. She would be pathetic, disgusting. Lower then the woman she was supposed to manipulate so easily, control so well.
That couldn't happen…
The fear that struck her made tears spring up, and tiny feet padded over hard floor. "Juri!" It was desperate; weak. Pitifully alone.
Juri stopped, paused, hesitated. Her head bowed slightly, locks brushing her cheeks before she smiled slightly. She knew that tone, had heard it before, and each time she had stopped. Had allowed petite hands to grip her arm, and a violet smelling body cling to her. Each time.
[I'm going to swallow my tears
I'm going to turn and leave you here...]
The door closed behind her with a sharp click, and cold air was sucked in rapidly, the fencer's chest rising up and down quickly. Walking away had always been easy, except then. Her feet had stuck to the floor, her hands had shook, and she'd failed to play the Prince.
But venomous wings did not touch her, and it only took one shove, one moment of remembrance to make her feet work, her legs carry her so swiftly to the door. And now… now she leaned her head softly against the brick wall, eyes fluttering close as that empty feeling she knew so well settled in.
I let go… and look what I have to show for it.
[I'm going to harden my heart
I'm going to swallow my tears]
Night crept up quickly, as it always seemed to do at Ohtori, but this time… this time the shadows grew deeper, darker. They promised lies covered in sweetness, and fake whispers of admiration. Of love and devotion. They sang for a lost butterfly, let the insect make a home with them.
Lies and deceit were gifted with darkness, but hadn't she always known that? Knees drawn to her chest, Shiori felt her shoulders shake, felt tears touch her cheeks. It was no good, being thrown away like that. Who did Juri think she was?
The cruel girl sniffed, wiped her eyes on the back of her hand and shuddered at the coldness, the silence. Her heart might have been black, but it was still a heart… and to have Juri throw her back, toss her to the ground. It hurt.
No!Her mind screamed, and she almost flinched, as if she could hear her own voice. I don't like Juri, I don't feel for her like she does me. I don't feel betrayed or hurt. Insects aren't bothered with those types of feelings…
[Harden my heart
I'm going to harden my heart
I'm going to swallow my tears]
A panther followed its path, shut the door to its den, and the sound of running water would vibrate through the hall. A butterfly sulked, denied her feelings, clawed at her soul and heart. Made lies to tell herself it wasn't true…
And a topaz haired girl, with a wolfish grin ran a hand through her hair slowly. Tomorrow would be different, tomorrow would change them all.
A Prince would stand tall, portray a feared disposition. An icy wall, with a locket beneath. A panther would return to its own ways.
A cruelly innocent girl would play her part as Princess. Would smile and giggle, pretend she was fine. Pretend she was great, she was beauty and want.
Both would glance, and both would know. Unspoken words let to unspoken emotions, and denial could only go so far until the truth was scraped back up. But both would play their parts, and the Fallen Angel would crumble to its God once more.
For Alex
Author's Note: I do not own the song Harden My Heart, nor do I own the characters from Utena. I'm borrowing both. But I'd like to dedicate this to Alex, because she's always been sweet in approving my writing and complimenting me, as well as bothering to play Utena with me. So this is for you.
[Cryin' on the corner
Waitin' in the rain
I swear I'll never ever wait again]
She didn't know why she bothered anymore, this pantherine woman, so stoic and cold with a layer of vulnerability beneath her masks. To let her hopes raise every time, and then crash down brutally, break into glass shards by her feet, was devastating. And each time she left with a proud face, stern, cold. With a head held up high and shoulders straight, whole posture screaming strength, while her heart broke thread by thread.
And each time, the sky above had poured its own tears for her. Shed crystalline drops when Juri herself would not allow it to happen.
Orange locks stuck to her face, plastered themselves against her neck, and the stiff collar of her school jacket had drooped, dripping drops of water. Her fingers shook with cold, form leaned so easily against a stray white column. Unmoved. She liked to think she drew strength from the marble against her, that she was just as strong as this man-made object. That nothing could break her, not even the weathering from rain and wind.
Pale fingers grazed a hidden lump beneath soaked clothing, and a sigh passed through parted lips. Why did she wait? Why did she wish so much to catch a glimpse of violet hair and smiling lips, when everything would crumble later?
Because... she might show one of these times. Juri answered herself with a frown. But believe in that was like believing in miracles; it would not happen.
[You gave me a word
But words for you are lies]
The knock on her door jarred her from her thoughts, and tired ocean eyes slid to the hard wood, waited. Maybe, if she was silent, if she held her breath and closed her eyes once more, the hidden figure would leave. Would choose to not bother her with apologies and fake promises to meet again sometime. But another rap, and her eyes flew open, tired limbs crossing the small space of the dorm room to open the door.
Violet eyes were sad as they gazed upwards, pouting mouth, small hands shaking. And Juri was almost surprised at herself to think that maybe this time... this time something truly bothered the cruelly innocent girl. "Yes, Shiori?"
Shiori sniffed, glancing away slowly, hands wringing the school skirt slowly. " I.... I missed you -"
"You didn't show, after an hour, I assumed you weren't coming." The panther's reply was quick, angered slightly as she rested her hand against the wooden frame, blocking entrance. She noticed the other flinch, look up with tear-filled eyes, and sighed. "You look cold..." Stepping aside, she allowed the butterfly and entrance.
Mischievous eyes danced with joy as she stepped in, and Shiori turned around slowly, allowing the act to go on. "It was cold outside..."
She's not wet. Juri noted to herself with a slight, smug smirk on her lips. Had she been outside, she should be as wet as I am. But she allowed the other her lies, her doubt, even as a petite hand came to caress her cheek, violet meeting blue-green. "I was going to come this time."
"I know." Was the soft reply.
[Darlin' in my wildest dreams
I never thought I'd go]
A thumb grazed a lower lip, and the sometimes cruel girl inched closer, other hand rising to press across a covered heart, still faintly damp. The golden trinket she felt beneath made her heart skip a bit; so Juri still wore it. Her grin was triumphant. "Tell me, Juri... does it hurt you so very much, to see me with those other students? Smiling and laughter. Knowing I love them, more then I ever felt anything for you?"
She'd been expecting something like that... she'd been waiting for the painful words to slip past tiny lips. So when they did, she merely smiled, a sad, knowing smile before her hand rose, captured Shiori's and brought it down from her face. "It's late, Shiori."
[But its time to let you know
I'm going to harden my heart]
The lavender haired girl giggled behind her fingertips, seemingly sweetness. Seemingly bright smiles and flaunting pale skin, shining eyes beneath purple eyelashes. "You want me to leave, Juri?" She reached up again, frowning as her hand was caught tightly within a lion's grip.
The fencer's long fingers gripped small ones, and her eyes hardened slightly, tone becoming something of ice. "Yes. It's late..."
Pulling back from the strong grip, Shiori rolled her eyes, scoffing slightly and folding her arms over her chest. "Do you have no heart for old friends? You won't even allow them ten minutes in your room, a place to stay from the coldness outside?" She tsked, clicked her tongue.
"The only heart I have, Shiori, is the one around my neck. And metal is not bent by emotion."
[I'm going to swallow my tears
I'm going to turn and leave you here...]
It always seemed to work out like this, the hero alone. The prince without its princess, left to wallow in a grief so thick it could choke you, if you stayed too long. The door's slam still echoed dully, vibrated off the pale colored walls, and Juri stood with her fingers to temples, rubbing them softly.
Would she ever truly step away from the innocent? Or would she be forced to play Prince forever, never allowing tears or slouching shoulders, bowing head. Not in front of anyone, at least. But that's how Panther's were, strong and merciless. Cold and territorial. Untouched by emotion, like a metal heart. A metal rose locket.
Sighing in the stillness of the quiet room, bare feet padded to the bathroom, and a school uniform still damp with rain was discarded, locket following soon after. The sound of gushing water broke through the silence, and beneath it, the barely audible tone of a woman who had nothing left. A woman who's cries, and beneath the strong beads of water, sounded like a pained roar.
[All of my life
I've been waitin' in the rain
I've been waitin' for a feelin' that never ever came]
"Do you really love her?" A pale hand breezed through topaz hair, and the wolfish girl grinned, leaning against the empty classroom door. "You must, by the way you've been sulking for the past two days. What did she do this time, Juri? Make promises she never intended to keep?"
Juri didn't look up, merely tossed her curls over one shoulder and let her fingers grip tighter on the pen she held so firmly, words falling on white paper carefully. Neatly. "You two are very much the same, you do realize that Kozue, don't you? Both pretending to be things you really aren't."
Kozue stiffened, scowling slightly. She was not one to be insulted. "Are we now? At least I can turn her down, push her away. Ignore her. You've never been able to do that, Arisugawa." Her formalities cut the air sharply, like the tip of a shining sword. "And unlike you, I do not cling to things that do not want me. I do not let a chain strangle me."
For a moment, the strong girl seemed to falter, stiffen then sadden, and it made the topaz haired girl scowl even more. It was almost pathetic, the way Juri chose to show her emotions, her weakness. "Let her go. It won't hurt you to do it, and it sure isn't going to hurt her."
[Feels so close
But always disappears]
Ocean met blue, and the taller woman nodded slightly, taking in words she would never follow. "You don't know what it's like, Kozue, to want something so bad it hurts to even glance at them. How your heart can shatter at one simple word, or beat faster then humanly possible. I could go on, I could smile and laugh and play the friend with her once more, but she knows. She knows her strength now, so I should turn away? I should allow her that strength and power, without a backward glance? Give in..." She shook her head slowly, brushing hair from her view. "It won't do anything, you know it. She'll persist, she'll continue on, with or without this locket around my neck."
A slow tsk, shake of her head, and Kozue glanced away, pushing herself from the door, fingers tapping against the light colored wood. "Maybe I don't know, Juri. But she's not the only person out there for you. You're just clinging to her, because you don't know anything else. You don't know what it could be like, with another..."
A golden red eyebrow raised slightly, and her smirk touched her lips faintly. "Are you suggesting something, Miss Kaoru?"
The smirk was returned. "Perhaps..."
[Darlin' in your wildest dreams
You never had to prove
But its time you got the news]
Rumors spread across the Academy grounds like wildfire, but this one... this one didn't make sense. Not to her anyway. It couldn't be true, could it? Had Juri really thrown away her chains. According to the fencing club students, a familiar gold trinket had not been seen on the champion Fencer's neck lately.
It made Shiori sick, to think she'd been forgotten so easily. Tossed aside. Her tiny hands wrung slightly, and she shook her head quickly, violet hair touching in front of her eyes. Caressed her cheeks and brushed the sides of her neck. No, she wouldn't believe. Not until she saw it with her own eyes, felt an empty neck with her own fingers.
No matter how small a butterfly might be, it would not be overlooked. Its wings were too vibrant, its form too alluring, especially for someone like the Panther.
[I'm going to harden my heart
I'm going to swallow my tears
I'm going to turn and leave you here...]
"Is it true, Juri?" Her voice was soft, kept in tact, kept low and almost sad as her head fell to the side, purple strands easily tucked behind her ear. The fencing room was empty, but it would be likely, for the other to linger here, to practice by herself.
"Is what true, Shiori?" Her own tone was civil, almost polite as she bent to retrieve a stray foil, holding the sword-like weapon out for a moment, icy eyes inspecting it carefully before it was placed in the rack along with the other's.
"Have you forgotten me already? I always thought... I might stay with you. Near your heart." She'd crept from her protective shadows, wrapped a tiny arm around an athletic waist, leaning her head against soft shoulders. "You really do hate me now...?"
Shiori wasn't expecting silence, of all things, silence was the last of what she expected. She expected a confession, guilt, shame. But not this, this unnerving silence that echoed around them, painful even to her. "Juri..."
[Darlin' in my wildest dreams
I never thought I'd go]
Slowly, she untangled herself from the smaller one's grasp, and head for the door. "I don't have to answer your questions anymore, Shiori."
Walking away was easy, her feet moved for her. One, two, three, four, five. Step after step after step. A constant in her life, it seemed. Running, walking away. Unable to face what she wanted, unable to control her own life. Her own want. And even now, when the gold rose did not hang around her neck, trapping her, she felt emptier then before...
And somehow, she thought Shiori knew that.
[But its time to let you know
I'm going to harden my heart]
Violet eyes watched the stoic figure move away, and her emotions were battling to show themselves on her face. Anger, betrayal, hurt, nervousness. If Juri left… if Juri moved away, left her to this empty place with its dark shadows, then she really would be useless. She would be pathetic, disgusting. Lower then the woman she was supposed to manipulate so easily, control so well.
That couldn't happen…
The fear that struck her made tears spring up, and tiny feet padded over hard floor. "Juri!" It was desperate; weak. Pitifully alone.
Juri stopped, paused, hesitated. Her head bowed slightly, locks brushing her cheeks before she smiled slightly. She knew that tone, had heard it before, and each time she had stopped. Had allowed petite hands to grip her arm, and a violet smelling body cling to her. Each time.
[I'm going to swallow my tears
I'm going to turn and leave you here...]
The door closed behind her with a sharp click, and cold air was sucked in rapidly, the fencer's chest rising up and down quickly. Walking away had always been easy, except then. Her feet had stuck to the floor, her hands had shook, and she'd failed to play the Prince.
But venomous wings did not touch her, and it only took one shove, one moment of remembrance to make her feet work, her legs carry her so swiftly to the door. And now… now she leaned her head softly against the brick wall, eyes fluttering close as that empty feeling she knew so well settled in.
I let go… and look what I have to show for it.
[I'm going to harden my heart
I'm going to swallow my tears]
Night crept up quickly, as it always seemed to do at Ohtori, but this time… this time the shadows grew deeper, darker. They promised lies covered in sweetness, and fake whispers of admiration. Of love and devotion. They sang for a lost butterfly, let the insect make a home with them.
Lies and deceit were gifted with darkness, but hadn't she always known that? Knees drawn to her chest, Shiori felt her shoulders shake, felt tears touch her cheeks. It was no good, being thrown away like that. Who did Juri think she was?
The cruel girl sniffed, wiped her eyes on the back of her hand and shuddered at the coldness, the silence. Her heart might have been black, but it was still a heart… and to have Juri throw her back, toss her to the ground. It hurt.
No!Her mind screamed, and she almost flinched, as if she could hear her own voice. I don't like Juri, I don't feel for her like she does me. I don't feel betrayed or hurt. Insects aren't bothered with those types of feelings…
[Harden my heart
I'm going to harden my heart
I'm going to swallow my tears]
A panther followed its path, shut the door to its den, and the sound of running water would vibrate through the hall. A butterfly sulked, denied her feelings, clawed at her soul and heart. Made lies to tell herself it wasn't true…
And a topaz haired girl, with a wolfish grin ran a hand through her hair slowly. Tomorrow would be different, tomorrow would change them all.
A Prince would stand tall, portray a feared disposition. An icy wall, with a locket beneath. A panther would return to its own ways.
A cruelly innocent girl would play her part as Princess. Would smile and giggle, pretend she was fine. Pretend she was great, she was beauty and want.
Both would glance, and both would know. Unspoken words let to unspoken emotions, and denial could only go so far until the truth was scraped back up. But both would play their parts, and the Fallen Angel would crumble to its God once more.