The Twins' Mischief Mail

Fred and George Weasley forged a letter to St Mungo's to redirect all of Lockhart's mail to their own address. Then they replied to all his fan mail...

Dear Gilderoy Lockhart,

I'm a huge fann of yours, and would like to know how you trim the grass in your garden. Maybe if I can cut my grass in exactly the same way as you do, I will transform into an incredibly able magical role model just like you, and my good looks will grow ever stronger...

Yours, J.M.R.

Dear J.M.R,

DREAM ON. My good looks are way beyond your level – like SERIOUSLY. And you'll never match my skill...I mean you can't even spell "fan" correctly.

I have never mowed a lawn in my life. Well, I have, but I ran over my foot and spent a week in St Mungo's because my foot was in tatters and I discovered a moment later that using the other foot to kick the mower away was not a great idea either. I had also forgotten that just five minutes earlier I had attempted a self-polishing charm on it – the result wasn't pretty.

Best wishes, Gilderoy Lockhart.

Dear Lockhart,

I am so glad that you find time to write to me every single week. I am honoured to receive your letters, and I often find myself dreaming about your charming smile. No wonder you won the Witch Weekly award.

You are an amazingly talented wizard, and I have read all of your books, along with the spoofs and copyrights...I have even brought every issue of your fan magazine.

Love, R. Blibberson.

Dear R. Blibberson,

Stalker. I look forward to never hearing from someone like you again.

Best, Gilderoy Lockhart.

Dear Lockhart,

Please reply.

From fan (forgot my name).

Dear fan,

Replied.

Best, Gilderoy Lockhart.

Dear Lockhart,

I can see right through your vain smile and golden locks – I KNOW YOU USE ROLLERS, YOU DON'T FOOL ME!

A month before Gadding with Ghouls was released, my nephew told me he did exactly those things you now take credit for. He now has no memory of them at all. One more book of lies and I promise I will report you to the Ministry of Magic.

D.G.U-L.

Dear D.G.U-L.,

Even after all my years of fame, it is still a pleasure to hear from my loyal fans.

Best wishes, Gilderoy Lockhart.
P.S. I have enclosed my latest book purely for your pleasure.

Chapter 2

"YOU DID WHAT?" Mrs Weasley wasn't impressed.

"Did Professor Lockhart a massive favour, and wrote his fanmail replies to save him the trouble of losing his loyal fans." said Fred.

"Wouldn't want him to seem rude by not replying, would we?" said George.

Ron was turning red with the effort of not laughing.

Mrs Weasley sent them to de-gnome the garden as a punishment, wrote to St Mungo's to stop redirecting mail to their address, and burnt the bacon through her anger. Then set fire to one of her Lockhart books. Accidently.

By Mrs Weasley's reaction, you would think that she had had set the real Lockhart on fire. After a considerable amount of screeching at the twins and calming down by Mr Weasley, she sent them back into the garden and grounded them for a year.

"Great." said Fred.

"Excellent." said George.

Ron came out. "Having fun?"

"Oh yeah."

"We really do deserve this..."

Ron gaped at them. "You're seriously just going along with it?!"

" 'Course."

*

Fred and George had a plan.

At midnight they crept downstairs, on the route they had figured out years ago so none of them creaked, and entered the kitchen. They grabbed a hot-crossed bun each (no one would ever know) and took out a hair grip, picked the lock on the door, and slipped outside.

The air was cold, but they had more pressing matters to be getting on with – like buying fireworks from the local Muggle seller and blowing up the gnome holes in the orchard next door (it didn't actually belong to anyone, so no one loses much, right?).

When they got back, arms full of fireworks, they sneaked over the orchard and threw a stink pellet down a gnome hole – they weren't cruel enough to leave the gnomes in there when they blew up the holes. Gnomes could be seen scurrying out of random places all around the orchard.

They lit the fireworks, chucked them down the holes and ran.

*

"Arthur," whispered Mrs Weasley, "What was that noise?"

*

Of course, the truth leaked out somehow, and the twins were once again in huge trouble. But this was a distraction for their parents, and they could once again write their fake fan mail without the worry of being found out...

More letters

Dear Gilderoy Lockhart,

I have recently been having trouble with an infestation of Boggarts. I have of course been banishing them with the charm, but they seem to be attracted to certain areas of my house. My neighbours have not been suffering the same problem as me and also cannot think of what the reason could be.
I have asked you because you are a true idol for people everywhere and know everything there is to know about household pests!

From Me

To You,

What's a Boggart? Ohhhhh, a Boggart! Why didn't you say? Try kicking it. If that doesn't work, then I'm stumped.

Bye! Gilderoy x.

If anyone would like to continue these letters, let me know and I'll hand it over to you