His head still spinning from all the drink he had last night, the banging inside his head like a fucking hammer smashing the inside of his skull, but its okay he can feel Brendan's warm body next to him. Least, he think's its Brendan. But, his chest hair doesn't feel the same and where's his cross, that he can normally feel resting coldy on his shoulder. This isn't Brendan, is it? He slowly turns his head, his eyes see the complete opposite of Brendan..a boy not a man, he leaps out of bed. His head no longer hurting from the hangover but from the shock of what he's done. This would destroy Brendan, well actually what's the point he doesn't love me? No, he told me he does. And, either way i love him. What have i done?
He grabs this person..this boy. Um, what what are you doing? He whispers half awake. GET OUT! Ste screams. The random 'one night stand' moves out of the bed, faster than Ste has ever seen anyone move, he grabs his stuff and runs out. What has he done? He slept with Ste when he knew he'd regret it, why did he do it? He was just curious i suppose. He runs out of that door still half naked, while Ste's stood swaying. He turns to look back to the bedroom but keeps rushing towards the door.
Ste, goes to the kitchen, pours himself a whisky out of that glass Brendan used to drink, if he focuses..really focuses he can still taste Brendan's breath on the glass. He puts the toast in, gets the seedless jam out, Brendan's fucking favorite and the toast pops. Ste jumps, he jumps at every sound now without Brendan here to protect him. He's scared. Not scared of anything in particular, just scared of what will happen, just scared of what will become of him..become of them. Him and Brendan. The only man he's ever fucking loved. He misses him already, when will he next see him? Will he ever see him again?
He slings his head back and downs the whiskey, and pours himself another. And another. And another. He's slowly getting dizzier, and swaying ever so slightly. But somethings changed in the room, he can feel it like someone's watching him. Like Brendan's watching him. He turns around, so surprised he drops his glass, the glass smashing into a million pieces just like his heart had when Brendan had told him to 'Let go!' Let go, how was he ever supposed to fucking let go. This man was his life, just had he'd said when he heard those to gunshots inside Chez Chez. But Brendan didn't look the same almost ghost like, his breathing wasn't quite the same
I'll never feel any differently about you, i promise okay? Brendan whispered.
I'm sorry, what was i fuckin' thinking how could i do that? Everything you've done. You've never done this, I'm sorry. But you said, you loved me. You fuckin' didn't. How could you leave me? No, you did love me, i'm drunk..sorry. No, this was my fault. I can't put this on you, you didn't make me sleep with that 'boy'..that, that one night stand to make me feel okay.
You never have to apologise to me, Steven.
But, Brendan I love you
And i do love you very much He replied.
Brendan..are you okay? You seem almost not here. Wait, Bren you're supposed to be in prison..why..why are you 'ere? Did you get out? No, you can't of.
Ste, shuffles forward closer to Brendan so he can feel his breath on his face, Ste's lips trembling. Brendan's face motionless and calm. What is he doing? Why is he so calm? Ste goes to hug him, just like he had when he thought he was going to die. He slung his arms, expecting them to go round Brendan's neck and he was going to hold him. Hold him so tight. But, they went straight through him, he wasn't there. Ste's knees suddenley felt weak, his heart thudding so loud it felt like it was breaking out of his chest. He fell, he fell so hard on to the cold hard ground and this was when he realized, when he realized..Brendan was right this is where it has to end. Brendan was gone.