On the second floor, Gus was laughing on the phone to Rachel. Lassie and Mrs. Lassie grinned from ear to ear as they looked forward to a life together. Shawn would never have expected that Lassiter could look so happy, like a puppy.
All the other guests, too, dancing, laughing, kissing, having the time of their lives. And here he was, watching his life fall apart. What was he supposed to say? She'd figured him out.
He always knew she would eventually. Nobody else could have worked it out first. She really was a great detective. It was only the feelings between them, clouding her judgement, that had kept her from figuring it out sooner.
"Shawn, are you listening to me?"
He sighed and turned to face her.
"I'm good at what I do, Jules. Too good. Nobody would've ever believed me if I'd told them the truth. You didn't even believe me. As far as the rest of the world was concerned, I was just a goof-ball with really nice hair and an irrational fear of tassels. My whole life was one failure after another, one whim that didn't work out after another. I never kept a job, I never tried hard at anything in my life. How could anyone take me seriously? I didn't take me seriously.
"Nothing much has changed." Shawn smiled, wryly. "Except for you.
Jules shook her head in seething disbelief. He knew her so well now he could practically read her mind. How could I be so stupid, how could I let him take me in? I must look so foolish. How could he do this to me? Every day, for years, he has lied to me. And I defended him so many times. But what could he say?
It pained him every time he'd misled her. But he was so wrapped up in the moment, so happy to be the centre of attention – for the right reasons, for once – that it'd seemed a small price to pay. Nothing he could say would change the truth. Or the lie.
"You take me seriously," he continued sadly. "Even with all my wacky ideas, my 'psychic' outbursts. You believed in me. You trust me when everyone else says I'm wrong or I'm crazy, or I'm crazy wrong. And even as easy as I make it loving me, you make it seem like…more. Like nobody else could really do it, not properly.
"You even put up with Gus."
Despite herself, Jules almost laughed, but the emotion faded as quickly as it had appeared. Her arms were crossed, tight, and her teeth were clenched. Eyes like knives cut to the bone and the corner of her mouth twitched in contempt.
"I lied," he admitted, struggling. Every word from his mouth hurt like pulling teeth. Telling the truth, seeing the disgust twist her beautiful features; it was almost more than he could stand. Even now, it seemed wrong to share the secret he'd kept so long. But he couldn't lie anymore. Not to Jules. "I lied because I was finally doing something good. I couldn't give that up. I couldn't tell people the truth. And once I'd started lying, I was stuck. There was this hole that I was digging every time I worked a case, but I couldn't stop. And then… and then there was you.
"Every case was another chance to work with you, to be with you. Sometimes, I think that was as much a reason to keep up the act as anything else. The way I feel around you, the way you make me feel, is every bit as good as solving cases and saving lives. Better. And it broke my heart to lie to you. So many times I wanted to tell you the truth, so many times. But I couldn't risk losing that part of my life. I couldn't risk losing you."
"That explains why you lied in the beginning, Shawn," Jules said coldly, swiping at a stray lock of blonde hair. "But it doesn't explain why you never told me the truth."
"I know, Jules. I know. I just… I could never find the right time."
"Were you ever going to tell me?"
"I was scared."
"Were you?"
Memories flashed through his mind. The first time he'd met her, the first kiss, the moment he'd finally told her how he felt. All the struggles of their relationships, the ups and downs, speeding through his mind in a whirlwind of emotion. Above all, happiness.
Was he really about to lose it all?
Jules let out a sharp breath and averted her gaze.
"Was I just going to live my life, like an idiot, believing I was married to a real, honest to God psychic detective?" Jules asked, not looking at him. "Is that all I meant to you? That you would just string me along, building a life on a foundation of…this?"
Shawn shook his head slowly, emphatically. For once in his life, he couldn't find the right words. He couldn't talk himself out of this mess. All that came to mind was a bunch of useless clichés.
Her gaze whipped back to him, and Shawn felt as though he'd been slapped. He almost wished he had. Maybe that would have hurt less than the look in her eyes.
"How could you?"
"I didn't want to lose you, Jules."
Tears welled in her eyes.
"I think you just did."