The Definition of a Best Friend

Carolina's first self-imposed mission after she and Church left the others was to seek out the sarcophagus and free the engineer inside. Once the engineer understood what had actually happened to Church, the alien being agreed to heal Church. Fusing Church back together after her father broke Church apart only felt right. It was the first step towards moving on.

When they returned to Church's friends, the newly unified A.I. was jubilant, but Carolina wasn't so sure what her part in the group was. Aside from Wash, she didn't know anybody. Wash did try to help the others accept her, which she appreciated more than she could ever say, but she couldn't help but hang back whenever any of them gathered together socially.

During their first few days back at Blue Base, Church spent most of his time with Caboose. Carolina couldn't help but notice that Church treated Caboose differently.

While Tucker and Wash were on patrol, Carolina and Church supervised Caboose from afar. Wash had given the orders to 'let Caboose play, but keep an eye on him in case he needs help'. When she'd asked Church for clarification, all he'd said was, 'Well, we don't want him to hurt himself. Or destroy the base. Anything like that.'

She spent the next hour wondering at those extremes.

Church chatted with her happily about surface topics, seemingly unaware of her confusion and discomfort. While he was talking, she couldn't help thinking, What's so special about Caboose?

"Do you...?" Carolina stopped, embarrassed to have to ask. Embarrassed to have these thoughts. "Is there something between you and Caboose?"

"Yeah," Church said in an affectionate tone. "It took a while, but I really gotta hand it to him. He grows on people. Including me."

"That's all?"

Church made a sort of throat-clearing, groaning noise. "Well, he's kind of my best friend, but don't tell anyone I told you that."

"I won't," Carolina assured him. The last thing she wanted was to violate Church's trust. They had both already been through too much of that. She stood far enough back from Caboose that she knew he wouldn't overhear, so she said, "After everything that happened, I wouldn't have thought you would be able to make friends. I mean, didn't you suspect everyone of trying to use you?"

"Oh yeah," Church said without having to think about it. "I definitely suspected everyone of using me or screwing me over. Especially Caboose." At her skeptical look, he explained quickly, "You know, because he looks so innocent." Church looked away, embarrassed. "I didn't trust that. I didn't think anyone could be as dumb and innocent as Caboose. I was wrong. Walking into his head showed me that. The guy's like a grade-schooler. I mean like a little one. Eight, nine years old? I don't think Caboose's mind could be any older than that."

"Caboose has the mind of a second-grader?" Carolina said, surprised.

Church misinterpreted her surprise as doubt. "Well...that is a little generous. Think a slow second-grader. Even before O'Malley and I fought inside his head, he was kind of sliding by in situations he really shouldn't have been in by pretending he understood people. It was really annoying. I'm glad he doesn't do that anymore."

Carolina looked at Caboose more sympathetically than she had been. She was probably the only other person who understood what it was like to have two A.I.s talking in one's head at the same time. "He was lucky to survive."

"Actually, I feel pretty bad about that." Church bowed his head, looking away. "Tex was there too."

Carolina was horrified. "He had three A.I.s to contend with at one time?"

"We didn't think we had a choice," Church protested. "O'Malley wouldn't get out. He was going to convince Caboose to kill everybody."

"I didn't say I blamed you," Carolina clarified, trying to keep Church from working himself up into a guilt attack. "I just can't imagine what it must have been like for Caboose."

Church sighed. "I know. And we shot up the place. I wasn't thinking straight at the time, but that was his head, Carolina. I shot the inside of his head. And I accidentally killed his memory of me. Until Tucker and the Reds could convince him otherwise, Caboose was convinced that I had joined the team after him instead of the other way around."

"Everything that happened was The Director's fault," Carolina said gently. "We're moving forward from that, so you've got to let go of what you could have done if you had been in full possession of your faculties."

"It just sucks that I hurt Caboose," Church said bitterly.

Carolina realized she was failing to stop his slide into self-hatred. "You both made mistakes. Tucker told me that Caboose started his first day on your team by killing you."

"Once I realized I had been an A.I. all along, the most Caboose ever did to me was inconvenience me. I impacted him for life. He went from being a little slow to being genuinely mentally impaired. Caboose, having worshiped me for some stupid reason from the start, thinks I'm awesome. Still. After everything that I did to him and everything bad that happened to him because he knows me."

Carolina took a deep breath. She had to keep trying. "Do you want your relationship with Caboose to be defined by guilt? Because that's how it's sounding to me right now."

"It's not," Church said. "It's not just that. When I was recovering inside of the memory unit, Caboose would talk to me every day. He would tell me things about myself, about him, about Tucker – sometimes, but not that often, because as Caboose said, he didn't like Tucker and nothing Tucker did was interesting. He told me about the Reds and how we were always fighting, but underneath we all loved each other. We all cared. That brought me back from the brink. I can see things the way they really are because Caboose helped me. He helped me, and I hurt him. It's not fair. It's not fair, Carolina."

"That is guilt," Carolina pointed out. "And shame."

Church turned stubborn and angry. "Why not? Why shouldn't I feel guilty? Why shouldn't I be ashamed? I'm not a good guy, and I'm based on a total asshole!"

"Remember our plan," Carolina said softly. "We're working our way back up to 'good'."

Church's projection wavered. "Oh, yeah..."

"So go work. Work on your debt to Caboose. Maybe someday, you'll be able to see yourself the way he sees you." Carolina gently nudged him.

Church jumped from Carolina's armor to Caboose's.

Caboose jerked, startled, and then yelled happily. "Church!"

"That's right, buddy," Church said soothingly. When he was in control of himself, he had a special voice that he used just for Caboose. He didn't do it on purpose, and when Tucker heard him do it, Tucker made fun of him, but there it was.

"Church! I missed you!" Caboose's voice lowered. "Hi." Apparently he got the yelling out of his system.

"Hi," Church said without missing a beat. "Hey, uh...do you think you could let me inside your mind? I want to talk to you. Without everyone else overhearing us. Okay, buddy?"

"Sure, Church."

Church entered Caboose's mind carefully. He knew how to do that now that he was whole. When he arrived at the main room of Caboose's mind, Caboose's inner self was solemnly waiting for him on the ramp.

Inner-Caboose bowed his head and said, "Welcome. It has been a long time, Epsilon-Church. I remember the Alpha-Church from when he visited based on the stories of others."

Church bowed his head in return. The difference between inner and outer Caboose was always a little spooky. "Uh...thanks."

"There is a serious matter you wish to discuss, isn't there?" Inner-Caboose asked.

Church's awkward smile faded. "Yeah. I have things I need to say to you. Clear my conscience."

"Your conscience has always been heavy because of things you did not do," Inner-Caboose said. "You blame yourself for the sins of the man you are based on."

Church found himself hanging his head. "Yeah. Yeah, I do. Because...I got those same things, Caboose. Those same problems. I think I'm too good for people, that I always know best, and all my plans are perfect. Those flaws caused me to hurt you not once, but lots of times."

"Everyone has problems and flaws," Inner-Caboose said gently.

"Yeah, but..." Church felt tears in his eyes, even though he knew he wasn't human and couldn't cry. "I apologize. I'm apologizing for everything I ever did. I'm apologizing for all those times I lost my temper, all those times I didn't listen, and all those times my stupid plans hurt you. I'm sorry, man. I don't wanna hurt you. You're my best friend."

"Best friends are defined by how well they forgive each other," Inner-Caboose said, "and by how much they love each other despite their flaws. If you can love me enough to apologize even though your pride doesn't wish it, then you must be a great friend." He bowed his head. "I forgive you, Church."

Then Inner-Caboose closed the distance between them and folded Church into a hug.

Because no one could possibly see them in here, Church hugged back.