It all started when I was sixteen.

And it all started when my grandma was sixteen. And it all started when my mom was sixteen. It technically even started when my dad-son was sixteen. Sixteen is the magic number, yo.

My name is Mofo. I am an average beautiful young woman with pale skin and wavy raven hair and flashing violet eyes. I'm a proactive and intelligent woman, like anyone else, and an avid reader who loves fantasy, like anyone else. I am a loving mother to three beautiful children and technically this thingy named Sarah came out of me, too, but I think she was an abomination with no Faerye blood at all.

That's right, Faerye blood. I am a faerye. And I'm not just any Faerye, I am the Faerye Queen.

A million bajillion years ago, my kind bestowed our Infinite Powyr to you puny humans, who corrupted it. Now, our power manifests in human "magic", (what a fucking STUPID name y'all), and demons, but we retain our original magnificence. Faerye blood is usually so strong that just a semblance of it replicates like a virus and turns us all into Faeryes. So we must be careful with who we choose to breed with. NO ORGIES EVERYONE!

(But Sarah is stupid and defied me. She does not have Faerye blood, the little bitch).

Now I will describe my time as Faerye Queen.

It was the summer I turned sixteen, and I was making dinner for my mother, Moira. She was lounging on the couch eating an apple and reading a novel that I bought for me, but she confiscated for "obscene content".

"Mofo, I don't want dinner tonight," Moira said loftily. (I call her Moira 'cuz I hate her). "Throw it all away and start again tomorrow."

"Mother," I said with a musical tone to my voice, "What could possibly make you skip stuffed pig, delicacy cheeses, two aged wine bottles and blackberry tarts?"

"SHUT UP CHILD!" Moira yelled. "I WILL SMACK YOU IF YOU CONTINUE ASKING STUPID QUESTIONS!111"

I cried a little, so she threw the book at me. It hit me on the head and I fell down, but she seemed not to care.

"But I will be generous and enlighten you, dumbass," Moira said, and got up to pose elegantly beside the windowsill. The light from the setting sun pooled into our room, and she was cloaked in it, her pale gray outfit seeming to glow as she kept her slender arm on the curtain.

"I am excited to bestow upon you, you stupid child, the same fate my mother bestowed upon me," Moira cooed lovingly. "I will sell you into prostitution and take the money they give me to run away to Marlon and become the King's hundredth mistress."

"M-Mother…" I murmured. "There is a new King now…"

Moira glared daggers at me and I started crying again.

"I'll figure something out," Moira hissed at me. "When you have a daughter, you can sell her into prostitution and be the Lucifenian King's mistress, I don't give two shits. Like mother, like daughter, my dear. You will always be trapped by your blood."

I stayed on the ground for a moment, clutching my book and thinking. I didn't want to be like Moira, even though I supposed I could understand where she was coming from. And she was smart, too. She was right, I was trapped by my blood. My blood… My parents...

My parents! I didn't just have a mother, I had a father!

"Mother, did you try to have me?" I said.

"Well…No," Moira smirked at me. "I was a prostitute, but it was my first time, and I didn't know that you mustn't let him finish inside of you."

Ew! I so did not need that image!

"Really? Did he know that?" I pressed on.

Moira sighed, and she looked sad. Again, I felt sorry for her.

"I doubt he cared," She sighed again. "He was a mercenary, you know. He had no loyalty to anyone or anything. Except some bitch sister he cried about."

I subconsciously hated this bitch sister.

But now I knew! My daddy had visited Moira when she was sixteen in EC 482! He was a mercenary! He had a bitch sister! (That last one was useful for reasons I knew not yet).

I spent two months tracking him down, but I found him finally because era una genia for realsies! And he was just walking down the street, looking shiftily around like a TOTAL BADASS YO! And he had flashing violet eyes! LIKE ME! And then I saw a BOOK UNDER HIS ARM! It was MY BOOK!

So I followed him until he walked onto a deserted road. I'm not stalking my own daddy! Ewwww! And I was wondering why he hadn't caught me but whatevs you know go with the flow.

So finally, when I was sure we were all alone, I came running up to him screaming, "DADDY111! I FINALLY FOUND YOOOUUUU!"

But then he SCREAMED and pulled out a fucking SWORD! What?!

And he yelled, "I KILLED YOU I KILLED YOU I KILLED YOU!"

And then he slashed at me a lot and then I started crying and I was dying and then I was back at home!

And Moira leaned against the wall with her arms folded over her chest like a total badass.

"Well, Mofo. Now you see why I never told you about your father before," She sighed.

"But mother, you told me as soon as I implied that I wanted to know-" I began, but she went over and smacked me.

"Mofo, shut the fuck up," Moira said coolly. "I teleported you back here for a reason."

"And healed me?" I said.

"DON'T MAKE ME REGRET IT CHILD!" Moira roared.

"But yes, I healed you, as well. Because you are not a mercenary, child," She said, looking distant. She was really pretty.

"I know...I'm a-" I said, but she took my head in her hands and said lovingly, "Faerye."

"A fairy? Mother?" I said.

"No, you bitch!" Moira yelled. "A Faerye!"

"Oh, a Faerye. Okay," I said, understanding completely. And if you don't, it's 'cuz you're not a Faerye, shithead!

"Faeryes can do anything they want if they believe," Moira said. "Except everything, so don't think too much. You can only use Faerye Majick once in a little while, because you need to stock up. And you are the Faerye Queen, so you can draw Majick from anywhere or anything.

"I last used Majick to…" Moira smiled lasciviously and I got creeped out. "Well, it's not for children."

"Can you make people love you?!" I said, thinking of my daddy.

"Yeah, duh!" Moira slapped me, then went to sit down. "People will never love you, Mofo, of their own volition. You have to force it."

Moira had told me that before, so I accepted it.

"Then I will! I'll do that!"

My plan was simple: Stock up on Faerye majick, find out where my daddy lived, then go back in time to make his daddy fall in love with me so I would be his mother and he would love me!

I am such a genius.