As always, I don't own Bleach. This is only a fanfic!
One Wasted Day:
It was no secret that Rangiku loved sake. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing, but the problem was that she loved it too much. The only thing that made this problem of hers worse was the fact that her captain hated her 'one true love'. He never wanted her to drink. He thought it was a terrible habit. He wasn't wrong, of curse. But the fact that he was right only made things worse for her. It wasn't uncommon for her to show up to work nursing a huge hangover or to find her sneaking a couple of sips before getting back to work. It had become so much of a problem that Hitsugaya had finally had enough and established a 'no sake' rule in the office. He had set up that rule a long time ago and was firm about it. But that didn't mean that Rangiku was going to stand for it. No way! Give up sake just because he said so? Please! You would have a better chance of making Byakuya laugh hysterically over a knock-knock joke Hanataro told.
Despite this rule and her captain's watchful eyes, Rangiku was relentless. She had tried everything. Every trick in the book to find some way to sneak a quick swig before getting back to work. So far, her best trick was hiding it around the office or in places nearby so she wouldn't have to travel far to get some. She hid it everywhere. Under the desk, in the desk, behind curtains. But Hitsugaya always found it and yelled at her. So her hiding places became more elaborate. She hid them behind books on tall shelves, behind bookcases, and even hid sake bottles in the lady's room down the hall. She tried everything. She even took to hiding them in hollowed out books and even in a false back to her chair. She even hid larger sake bottles in secret compartments in the couch. Hitsugaya found those quickly during one of his afternoon naps when he laid down on a hard, lumpy couch cushion that made a strange clanging noise when you bounced or tapped in just the right spot. Boy, did she get a yelling at for that one.
Perhaps she was going about this the wrong way. But if hiding them in secret areas and false bottoms of everyday objects wasn't working then the only thing that might work was hiding them in plain sight. Crazy? Maybe not. Hitsugaya was always keeping an eye out for possible hiding places now that his lieutenant had become more clever about where she stashed them. He wouldn't think to look in obvious areas. The best place to hide something was right under your nose. It made perfect sense when you thought about it. Hitsugaya wouldn't look for sake on top of her desk when the bottom and insides made excellent hiding places, now would he?
Now that she had established this theory, it was time to put her new tactic into action. But what would make a good hiding spot for her sake? After experimenting all night long, she had finally found something that just might work. She couldn't wait for the next day so she could put it to the test.
"Matsumoto, what is that?" he asked pointing to the bottle in her hand.
"What? Do you have a problem with energy drinks now, too?"
"No." He got a good look at the bottles in her arms. "Are those all energy drinks?"
"No. Some of these are flavored water bottles. See?" She held up one with a label printed on it reading: strawberry-flavored water.
Hitsugaya looked it over, inspecting carefully. "Hmm…"
Rangiku held her breath, fearing the worst. It was the moment of truth. Would he find out or not?
"Alright."
"Eh?"
"I said alright. What?"
"Uh, ok. Sorry. I just thought… Never mind."
Giving her a crossed look, Hitsugaya turned and went into the office, muttering under his breath.
She gave a huge sigh of relief. Thank God he didn't notice anything amiss. If he had found out that she had spend most of her night filling up the bottles with sake, then everything would have been for nothing and would never hear the end of it from him. But now she had to be very careful. She couldn't get drunk on the job otherwise he'd know something was up for sure. She had to be very discreet about this. Little sips throughout the day and she'd be fine. This was turning out to be her best plan yet!
Hitsugaya had been working like a dog for hours. It had only been ten minutes since Rangiku had went off on a 'short' break, meaning of course that she wouldn't be back for a couple of hours. He mopped the sweat from his brow and continued to work, signing, filing, sorting, writing and so forth. He was getting worn out quickly. Paperwork was much harder than people thought. It was so much easier fighting Hollows. He sat back and rubbed his temples. This was such a headache! How much more did he have to do? The answer: a lot. He wasn't even finished with the first stack and he still had four more to go. How did it manage to pile up so much over night like this?
He gave a yawn and tried to go back to work, but found that he couldn't focus. He was running on empty and could really use a nap. But he had made it a self-rule that he would take a nap when and only when he was finished working. That was his reward. But sometimes, there was so much to do that his body would just give out and he'd pass out on top of his desk. He was such a workaholic.
He rubbed his head and then his eyes and tried to work the kinks out of his stiff shoulder. It felt as if he was about to pass out on the job again. Desperate, he looked around the room for something to keep him awake. He spotted the energy drinks and water bottles on Rangiku's desk. She had been drinking from those all day but there was still plenty left over. Surly she wouldn't mind if he had some. Just a few sips from that energy drink should be enough to keep him awake at least until he was finished with this stack of papers.
He stood up and walked over to her desk and brought a couple bottles back to his seat. He sat down and picked up the first one, turning it over in his hand. I'm not really into this kind of stuff, he thought to himself. I mean, I don't really care for sweet things and from what I understand, energy drinks are nothing but sugar. But I suppose it wouldn't hurt, just this once… He opened the bottle and gulped it down.
He must have been thirstier than he thought. He had already chugged more than half of the bottle's contents in just a couple of gulps. He pulled the bottle away from his lips and made a face. "Ugh! That stuff's sweet! It's so sugary, it almost burns my throat! What a weird flavor." Nonetheless, he took another sip and finished it off. "Hmm… Maybe it's not so much sweet as it is bitter… It's hard to say. I've never had an energy drink before. I don't really know what it's supposed to taste like. It's certainly not the worst thing I've ever tasted. But now I need something to wash it down…"
He spotted the water bottle he had brought back with him and opened it, gulping it down quickly.
"Ah! That stupid energy drink must have burned into my tongue! Even this fruit-flavored water tastes like it!" He slammed the bottle down on the desk, trading it for his pen. "I gotta get back to work."
Lifting his pen, he started to scribble down on the paper. But now he was starting to feel the effects of that strange drink. He felt weird. His face felt warm, almost as if he were blushing. Puzzled, he put a hand to his cheek and felt his warm face. "That's odd…" But there was work to do so he dismissed this and continued to writing.
A few minutes later, he took another sip from the water bottle. It still tasted funny but he no longer cared. He was thirsty and it was the only thing around. But after a few more sips, Hitsugaya started to feel really weird. His mind felt cloudy and his face grew even warmer.
"What in the world is happening to me? I feel funny…"
But this wasn't all bad. The pain he felt in his shoulder had lifted. His back was no longer aching and he didn't feel stiff or sore at all. All his pain had been taken away. The more he drank, the better he felt. Soon, he had drank so much, parts of his body were starting to feel a little numb. His legs, his fingertips, and even his mind. His brain felt weird, but it was a good weird. It felt like he was in a cloud, without a care or worry in the world. No pain, no ache, nothing. It felt as if he had slipped into a dream.
Even his eyes weren't working right. He looked over at the bottle in his hand. It seemed so far away. He could barely feel it in his hand, he was so numb. Lifting his head up, he finished off the bottle and tossed it over his shoulder. He got to his feet and staggered over to Rangiku's desk for another helping of the strange potion that made him feel so good. He came back to his desk with an armful of those funny drinks and started to open them and chug them down one by one.
Drinking one entire bottle in under five seconds, he tossed it aside and picked up another one declaring, " God, this stuff's great! Where have you been all my life?"
Three bottles later, he was feeling even better. He still felt as if he were in a wonderful dream world. It was almost as if he had been drugged up on something. His genius brain was far too foggy to think straight, otherwise he would have realized that what he was feeling was tipsiness. He was drunk. Too bad all this sake had doped him up bad. His intelligence was useless now. He was a complete idiot. He was a drunken fool! All he could think about was getting his hands on another bottle.
His clumsy hands found another one and he opened it. Before he could even put it to his lips, he had a new feeling. He felt kind of giddy. No, that wasn't all he felt. He felt like shouting to the heavens, telling everyone about his amazing discovery. He stood up on his chair and raised his leg up, putting it on the desk in a triumphant manner.
"Ladies and gentlemen!" he hollered to the empty room. "I just wanted to say that- Hic! Oh! Oh, I seem to have gotten the hippups… I mean, hiccups. Hee hee hee! I said 'hippups'! Heh, that's funny! Wait, where was I? Oh, yeah! I wanted to say that as of today, I am- Hic!- I am the champion of the world! Bow down to my might! I am so- Hic!- powerful! I have made this bottle into a magic potion that creates whatever I- Hic!- I want! I know, I know… I'm awesome! You can all say-"
In the middle of his drunken speech, he lost his balance and fell backwards into his chair. But rather than being shaken or embarrassed, he burst into a huge giggle fit. He rolled around in his chair, laughing his head off. He felt great!
He grabbed the open bottle from his desk and gulped it down like the others. "God, I love this stuff!"
For once, Rangiku couldn't wait to get back to the office. Not to work, of course, but to the rest of that sake. Enough wasting time wondering the halls to avoid work. It was time to go back for another drink. She rubbed her hands together gleefully. This had turned out to be her best idea yet. Perhaps she should consider slipping sake into other containers as well. She had already poured a little sake into a teapot before she had left, just in case Hitsugaya told her to lay off the energy drinks. That pot was still sitting safely on the coffee table with a note attached reading: Rangiku's only, back off!
Halfway down the hall, she jumped up and clicked her heels together in her joy. This was such a wonderful plan. An ingenious idea! She was so clever. And her captain was none the wiser. Not a single thing could go wrong.
Unbeknownst to her, she was in for a rude dose of reality when she opened that door to the office. She slid it open and walked inside. All seemed fine at first. But as she got further into the room, she realized that something was amiss. Something just didn't feel right. Normally she would have heard her captain ranting about how late she was or asking her what she had been up to for the past two hours. At the very least she would have heard him complaining about something. It was never this quiet. She was starting to question if he was even in the room at the moment.
"Captain?" she called.
She spotted a tuft of white hair pop up from behind a large stack of papers and look up at her. Then he did something he rarely ever did. He smiled at her and waved. "Hi! I haven't seen you for a while. How ya been?"
Something definitely wasn't right. He never spoke like that before. And she didn't remember him being this cheerful after she left him to do all the work for her for the past few hours. Come to think of it, he even looked different. His appearance was off. He looked unkempt. He never looked this sloppy. He always took pride in his appearance and never showed up to work looking like he had just rolled out of bed. What could have happened in the past couple of hours to make him look like this? She moved closer and noted the odd look in his eyes. They were unfocused and cloudy. Something wasn't right here at all.
"Captain are you feeling alright?"
He nodded his head vigorously, hair slapping against his forehead. "I feel fine! Why?"
She stepped closer and watched his face. Though he appeared energetic, he also looked like he was half asleep. Perhaps he had been working too hard again and needed to take a nap. He may have been ready to pass out any second by the looks of it. "Captain, you're not looking so good. Just how long have you been working?"
"A while." He continued to write and sign his name at the bottom of the forms. But his handwriting was atrocious. It was nothing but chicken scratches and scribbles. He couldn't even hold the pen right. He was holding it in his fist, like a toddler with a crayon.
"Maybe you should think about taking a…" That's when she spotted an 'energy drink' closed in his hand. "Captain!"
He didn't so much as flinch at her loud tone. "Huh?"
"What are you doing with that?"
"Eh?" He held the bottle an inch to his face and squinted at it. "Oh. I was drinkin' it. Like this." He look a swig of it.
Her jaw dropped. How could she not have foreseen this? Then again, she knew her captain wasn't fond of sweet things so she figured that he wouldn't go for a sugary energy drink. "Why are you drinking that?" she had to know.
"'Cause I needed something to help keep me awake while I work. How come?"
She was at a loss for words. How could this have happened? She watched him take another drink and finish off the bottle. "Just how many of those have you had?"
"Uh… Let's see." He counted the empty bottles laying on the floor around his desk and the ones on top of his desk, stiffed between tacks of papers and shuffled between files. "Uh… maybe about 15..?"
"15?"
"Yup. But that's including a couple water bottles, too." He reached for a fresh bottle.
But before he could open it, Rangiku's hand reached out and snatched it away. "I think you've had enough." She looked into his drunken eyes. It was hard to believe that this was her captain she was staring back at. "Please give it to me."
He let go. "Okey-dokey."
She gathered up as many bottles as she could and hid them in her desk. There weren't very many left thanks to him. But that was the least of her worries. She still had to make sure he was taken care of. He had never been drunk before in his life. Come to think of it, she doubted that he had ever had a taste of sake before. He was so dead set against the stuff, it would make perfect sense that he had never had a drink before. But that also meant that he may have no idea that he was drunk right now. After all, if he had never tasted the stuff before then it would make sense that he didn't notice the odd taste of the energy drink and water bottles. No wonder he didn't detect anything. So if he didn't know that he had drank sake then that meant that he also had no idea that he was completely drunk!
She turned back to him and found him taking a drink of… tea? With a gasp, she dashed over to the desk and looked at the teapot. It was the same one she had slipped sake into earlier. She slapped herself in the forehead for her carelessness. No, it was carelessness that she had left those bottles out where he could have easily gotten them. It was greed that had led her to fill the teapot with sake, too. And it was stupidity that she had tried any of this to begin with.
Hitsugaya poured himself a cup of so-called tea, sloshing it over his hand. He lifted the cup to his lips and drank it down. He lowered his cup and tried to fill it up again. He spilled it over his papers. Determined, he scrunched his face up in concentration and tried again. He managed to get most of it on his hand and desk again, but he did manage to get some of it into the cup this time. Completely uncaring to the mess on his desk, he lifted the cup to his lips again.
"Captain, you're getting your desk all wet! Look at those papers!" Rangiku rushed to gather the papers up before they could become soaked and useless. She even made time to grab the teapot from him before he could attempt to pour himself another cup.
But he was still trying to get this one to his lips. He kept missing his mouth and spilled a little of the sake on his kimono. "Whoops." He tried again and missed. "Whoopsie." Gripping the cup with both hands, he finally managed to drain his cup and slam it back down on the desk. "Ha! I did it! Who owns?"
Rangiku could barely look at her captain. He was so wasted. He wobbled from side to side in his chair, slumping down onto his desk, hiccupping and eyes drooping. He was a kind of cute drunk. She just wanted to pick him up. She may have to in order to get him over to the couch to sleep this off. She only prayed that he wouldn't remember being drunk when he woke up. "Come on, Captain. Over here and lay down."
He lifted his head from the desk. "Why?"
"Uh… Because you look like you could use a nap. Come on. The couch is nice and comfy."
He stubbornly shook his head. "No. I don't wanna nap. I feel great!"
"Please?"
"I told you I'm fine. I had plenty of those energy drinks and now I'm wired!"
"Yeah… Uh, but perhaps you should lay down before you come down from your little, uh, sugar rush?"
"Why?"
"Just please do it?"
"Mmm…" He seemed to be debating it. "Ok. I guess so."
Now came the hard part: getting up. Hitsugaya struggled to his feet, but lost his balance and fell back down in his chair. On his second try, he managed to get up only with the help of the desk. Using the desk as a crutch, he tightly gripped it in his hands and started to hobble towards his lieutenant. He was so unsteady. He slid one foot in front of the other very carefully.
He looked down and watched his feet move in her direction. How weird. His legs looked funny. He could have sworn that he only had two feet, not six. Little did his drunken mind realize, he was experiencing one of the side effects of all that alcohol: double vision. Fascinated by this strange phenomenon, Hitsugaya watched his movements very carefully, studying them. When one leg would moved, it's doppelgangers would move with it, but kept moving slowly in different directions once his leg had stopped. That was odd. He reached down with his hand to see if he could grab his legs to make them stop moving. But that's when he noticed that his hand was doing the same thing. When his hand moved, it was chased by several other hand clones.
"Wow..!"
"What?" She watched Hitsugaya wave his hand in front of his face slowly, watching it closely.
He waved at her. "My hand has friends!"
"Huh?"
He waved his hand again, chuckling at its movements. "I can see its movements! I can see where it's been!"
She rolled her eyes. Drunk talk. Great…
It was as if he were watching a flag's movements. His real hand was like the pole supporting the flag and his hand's doppelgangers were like the flag's movements, following the pole's trail. It was a strange way to put it, but it was the best way he could describe it. Still captivated by its movement, Hitsugaya reached up with his other hand to try to grab one of the doppelgangers. But that required letting go of the desk. And once he did so, he lost his balance and toppled over.
"Captain! Be more careful!" Rangiku told him and she caught him in her arms before he hit the floor. He was surprisingly light.
The room was spinning on him again. He still needed her support. Slowly regaining his balance, Hitsugaya turned around in her arms to face her. "Hi."
"Yeah, hi." She started to walk him over to the couch. "Come on. You need to lie down and sleep this off."
He stumbled and fell into her chest.
"Are you ok?"
He raised his head and looked straight ahead. Wow, they were big. He couldn't stop looking at them.
"Uh, sir?" Rangiku couldn't help but notice him staring at her breasts. This must have been another alcohol-induced action. Normally, he wouldn't stare at them if he could help it. In fact, he openly complained about her showing them off like that. He was always hinting for her to pull up her shirt or cover them up in some way so no one would have to look at them. He told her to have more famine modesty. Now he was staring at them shamelessly. "Captain?"
Without a word, he reached up and grabbed one of her breasts and gave it a squeeze.
"Captain!"
"Wow! They're so soft and squishy!"
She resisted the urge to smack him by reminding herself that he had no idea what he was doing. "Captain, please…"
Her words fell on deaf ears. He rubbed his face on them next and chuckled drunkenly. "Wow, they feel so nice..! How do you do it?"
She grabbed his hands and pulled him away. "Couch, now!"
"Can you lie with me? I want those pillows."
She smacked herself in the forehead again. Please don't tell me that I sound like this when I'm drunk…
"Boobies! Boobies! Boobies! Boobies! Boobies!" he chanted over and over again while jumping up and down.
"Please, shh! Please, be quiet! Shh!" she begged. The last thing she needed was for someone to hear him and come into the room. If she kept this quiet than he may never know that he was ever drunk in the first place. Right now, he was so wasted he'd believe anything she told him. Perhaps he's be the same when he woke up so she could convince him that he merely fell asleep on the couch and his headache was from working too hard. After all, if he had never been drunk before, he might not know what a hangover was either.
Suddenly, he jumped into her arms and snuggled her. "Big boobies!"
"Captain! Please stop that!"
"Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy! Whee!" He jumped on her with such force, he knocked her down onto the floor. He sat on her stomach and nuzzled her chest. "Hey, I wonder if I can bounce on them like a trampoline. They're so big, I could fly up to the sky! Let me try it!"
"No!" She fought to keep him at bay. What happened? He could barely stand on his own two feet before, now he's jumping up and down like a maniac! "Captain, please listen to me and lay down on the couch. Please, for me. Just listen to me for once!"
Hitsugaya sat back on her gut and swayed.
"Sir?"
"Whew! This is such a pain."
"What is?"
"This." He pointed to his Captain's jacket soaked in sake. "It's all wet and bad feeling…"
She knew where this was going and didn't like it. "Captain. No. Don't."
He started to remove his white jacket and threw it aside. "Aw, that's better!"
She let out a sigh of relief. That wasn't as bad as she thought it would be.
But then he started to fuss with his black kimono. "Aw..! This is all wet, too…" He started to take off his kimono.
Ok, maybe this was going to be as bad as she thought. She watched helplessly as he stripped on her stomach. He threw it to the floor with a huge sigh, the only thing covering his chest now was his white undershirt. Hopefully he wouldn't take that off, too. She had no idea what he would do in this drunken state of his.
He swayed again, room still spinning and his vision failing. He fixed his eyes on the woman pinned under him. "Rangiku…"
"Uh, yes?"
He moved his face closer. "You're really pretty."
Oh, dear God, no.
"I mean it." He moved closer. "You really are."
"Captain… Please stop."
He fell on top of her chest, his nose inches from hers. "You know… I had never thought of it before, but maybe… just this once."
She clawed at the floor, trying to get up. For the love of God, someone stop him!
He traced her lips with his fingertip. "So pweddy…"
"Captain, y- you don't know wh- what you're saying. Please! St- stop!"
He rested his chin on hers. "How come you look so much better than usual? I neba t'ought o' you dis way befo'," he slurred. She could smell the alcohol on his breath. It stunk!
She pushed against his shoulder in an attempt to push him off her body. As light and small as he was, he was very difficult to shake off. "Captain, I need you to listen very carefully to me, ok? Can you do that?"
He was still focused on her lips. He liked the way they moved, forming each word. "Yeeeesssss?" he drawled.
"I need you to get off of me and let me help you onto the couch. I need for you to lie down, ok? Understand?"
"Uh-huh…" He played with a strand of her long hair. He gave another drunken chuckle, slurring, "Wow, you have nice hair. I love it."
"Captain, please get off of me."
Another mood swing occurred in her captain. He started to pout and whine. "No! Don't wanna! Don't wanna!"
"Please, don't make this anymore difficult. It's a simple thing. Just get off of my body."
"But you're warm!"
"The couch is better. Trust me."
"I want Rangiku!" He kicked his legs, nailing her in the knee a few times. He was such a little brat! She made a mental note to never ever let him have sake again. He wasn't a very cute drunk anymore. "I want my Rangiku!"
"I know, Captain. I know. But if you get up and onto the couch, I promise I'll stay with you. Is that ok?" Please say 'yes'!
He suffered another mood swing and started to stroke her face lovingly. "You're face is soft, too. How?"
"Uh, face cream?"
"Pwetty."
"Captain."
"Yeah?"
"Please…"
"Hm?"
"Please, just go to the couch."
"Mmm…"
She tried to make him understand in any way she could. She had been drunk loads of times before, but she rarely ever got the chance to help out a drunk when she was sober. And she certainly never had the opportunity to help out a drunk Hitsugaya. This was a whole new experience for her. She tried to lift him up, but from her current position it was a no-go. She tried to roll onto her side to make him slide off her body but she couldn't lift herself up to do that.
In the midst of her thinking, Hitsugaya suddenly burst into a giggle fit. "What is so funny?"
"I dunno," he chuckled. "I just t'ought it waz funny."
"Would you be willing to get off me now?"
He suddenly threw himself back onto her body with puckered lips.
"Captain! What are you doing?"
"I feel like kissing." He went for her lips.
She pushed him away. "Captain, please snap out of it! This is so unlike you! You're starting to really freak me out!"
He laughed again. "You look funny!"
"Oh, Captain..!"
Outside in the hall, several Soul reapers passed by, but none of them overheard what was going on inside the office. This is, until two very familiar Soul Reapers passed by and overheard something that made them both want to stay.
"Captain, please get off me!"
Yumichika stopped in his tracks and looked at the door. "Did you hear that, Ikkaku?"
"How could I not? They're so loud."
"What do you think's going on in there?"
"How the hell should I know? Come on, I'm starving."
They could hear Hitsugaya's hysterical laughter, causing them both to turn and stare at the door.
"Now I'm curious."
In the midst of his laughter they could hear him slur out the words, "I wuve you!"
"Captain, please stop it! I mean it! Get off me!"
"I don't wanna! I love you!"
"EEEK! Stop that!"
"Heheh, why so shy?"
Ikkaku and Yumichika exchanged looks.
"Captain, listen to me for once. Just get on the couch and lie down. That's all I ask. And put your clothes back on!"
Yumichika's face turned pink.
"Dude, they're huge!"
"Stop touching my chest!"
"But they're just there!"
"Captain!"
"What?"
"Stop that!"
He started to whine like a child. "But I wanna see! You never let me do anything! You're so mean!"
"Oh! Captain, get your hand out of there!"
"What else you got in there?"
"Captain!"
"I love you! Kiss me!"
"No!"
Unable to take it anymore, the two burst through the door and into the office. There they found Rangiku on her back with Hitsugaya sitting on her stomach trying to stick his hand in her chest.
"Well, well, well…" Ikkaku said smugly. "I never thought I'd see the day. Do you have any idea how many people pair you off together? Now you're only confirming it."
Yumichika clapped. "Way to go. I'm so happy for you two."
"You two again?" Rangiku shouted. "Get out of here and don't get the wrong idea about this! It's just-"
"WHOA!" Hitsugaya shouted and pointed at Ikkaku. "HE HAS NO HAIR!"
He reached for his sword. "What did that little brat say?"
"Don't blame him! It's not his fault!"
"Not his fault? He's the one who said it!"
"Yes, but he didn't mean it. He doesn't know what he's doing."
Hitsugaya finally jumped off her body and stumbled over to the newcomers. He looked Ikkaku up and down as if it were his first time seeing him. "Ooh! Ahh! Ooh!"
"What?"
He stood on tiptoes and poked Ikkaku in the head. "Shiny!"
"Will you stop that?"
He skipped clumsily over to Yumichika and stared at him.
This made him very uncomfortable. "Uh, what?"
He poked Yumichika's chest and gasped. "You're flat!" he turned to Rangiku. "He's flat! And you're so big! Did you steal some of his?"
"Huh?"
"What?"
Yumichika slapped his hand away and took a step back. "What's gotten into you? What a thing to say! Creepy as hell!"
"Maybe he thinks you're part girl or something," Ikkaku wondered aloud, smile creeping onto his face.
"What would make him think that?"
Without warning Hitsugaya jumped into Yumichika's arms and tried to kiss him.
"Ew! Gross! Stop that! What's the matter with you?" Yumichika pushed him away. But Hitsugaya continued to try to kiss him. He was acting so silly. On the fourth attempt to kiss him, Yumichika got a good whiff of his breath and came to a conclusion. "Hitsugaya, are you drunk?"
"What?"
"His breath smells like sake. I think he's a little tipsy."
They both looked at Rangiku who couldn't hide the fact anymore. "Ok, ok! Yes, he's drunk! I hid some sake in a few bottles and in a teapot and he drank them without knowing it."
It only took them half a second to erupt in uncontrollable hysterics. Ikkaku had to hold onto Yumichika he was laughing so hard.
"Stop laughing!"
"Oh, man! He's wasted!" They laughed. "He's drunk out of his mind!"
Rangiku smacked them both in the head. "I said stop laughing!"
"But it's funny as hell!" Ikkaku insisted. "From what I heard outside that door, he's a little pervert!"
Hitsugaya climbed up Yumichika's body and hugged him around the neck. "I wuve you!"
Yumichika leaned his head as far as it would go to the opposite side and grimaced. "Am I the only one who's creeped out by this?"
Hitsugaya stroked Yumichika's face in a tender manner. "So pwetty… Pwetty face…" He leaned closer to him in another attempt to kiss him, but of course was shoved away again.
Ikkaku smirked. "I think I like him better this way. This may be the best thing to ever happen to him."
"Don't joke around, baldy." Rangiku put her hands on her hips and looked back at her captain's increasingly odd actions. "It's only a matter of time before he passes out anyway… But I can't have him doing anything he'd regret… or myself for that matter. I have to get him to calm down so he can sleep this off. As long as you're here, want to help me out?"
Ikkaku turned. "By that, I hope you don't mean me, too..?"
"Of course."
"Count me out. I stumble home drunk enough on my own, I don't need to help another person do it, too. He drank it, he's on his own."
"But he didn't know that it was sake!"
"Hey, that's your fault. Your problem, not mine. Forget it."
"Please? Just this once? A teeny tiny little favor? Please?"
Ikkaku folded his arms. "What makes you think that I would waste my good free time helping you?"
Before she could answer, they heard Yumichika shriek like a girl and threw Hitsugaya to the ground. He was wiping his mouth off on the back of his sleeves and gagging. "He kissed me! GAH! He kissed me on the lips! Gross! GAK! AHH! Water! Water!"
Ikkaku burst out laughing all over again. "Like I said, why would I try to stop this?"
Clumsily, Hitsugaya got to his feet, struggling to keep his balance. He was still seeing double. He was also feeling pretty giddy. He still had this unexplainable, overpowering urge to reach out and hug something. "Ikkaku!"
"Eh?"
Hitsugaya half stumbled half ran over to him with outstretched arms. "Hugs!"
"NO!"
Hitsugaya jumped the last remaining steps and landed in Ikkaku's chest. "Hug me!"
"No! Get away!"
He squeezed the life out of him. For such a little guy, he sure could crush you like a snake.
"I said NO!" Ikkaku shouted and punched Hitsugaya in the head, hoping to knock some sense into him.
But all it did was provoke him. Stumbling backwards, Hitsugaya regained his balance and stood his ground. In a short two seconds, he went through yet another mood swing and went from loving and happy to very, very pissed off and vengeful. "Wazza madda wit ya?" he slurred and put up his fists. "Ya wanna fight, huh? Bring it on!"
Ikkaku gleefully cracked his knuckles. Any invitation to fight, no matter the situation, was fine by him. He'd be less of a man if he turned him down, in his opinion. "Ok, I accept your challenge! Come on and bring it already!"
"Stop it, Ikkaku!" Rangiku shouting over his taunting. "He's in no condition to fight you, of all people!"
"Shuddap!" Hitsugaya slurred again. "He's mi- HIC!- mine! I can take 'im!" It looked like he wanted a fistfight for he had lunged at Ikkaku with strong fists. Halfway to his opponent, he tripped and slammed face first into the ground and skidded on his nose for a few inches.
Ikkaku put his arms up defensively and blurted out, "Now, before anyone says anything, I had nothing to do with that. He did that on his own. I swear. You all saw. I never touched him."
"We know that, Ikkaku." Yumichika took a step forward to look at the fallen captain. "I think he tripped over his own feet. I think she's right. He's way too drunk to fight anyone, much less you of all people. I beat even Hanataro could beat him up in this state."
"Captain, are you alright?" Rangiku rushed to his aid.
Hitsugaya sat up slowly and started to sniffle. He was actually crying! Hitsugaya had big fat tears rolling down his face and his lower lip was trembling. He turned to Rangiku and pointed to Ikkaku. "Punish!"
"Huh?"
"He made me do that! He put that dumb floor there to make me mess up! He's mean and hates me!" Yet another mood swing and this one was bad. In no time at all, Hitsugaya had went from weepy eyes to loud, tantrum wailing. Rangiku tried her best to calm him, but he only became worse, spouting off nonsense left and right. "It's evil, this stupid floor! Get rid of it!" Seconds later he cried out, "Why? Why? WHY?" Then it was, "I am less of a man now! I am a nothing! I'm nothing! Don't look at me!" and threw himself to the floor.
"Captain, please calm yourself," Rangiku rubbed his shoulder. "None of that is true. Please calm down."
He sniffled and cried all over again. "I am so sorry!"
"For what?" She was afraid to ask.
"I am such a bad person! I almost kicked Ikkaku's ass!"
"What? I could have mopped the floor with your freakin' corpse! You couldn't kick the crap out of-" Yumichika covered Ikkaku's mouth before another word could be said.
Hitsugaya continued his self-pity. "I am a bad person! You must hate me!"
"No, no, I don't. Never." She mouthed for them to help her out. When the both shrugged, she pointed to the couch and mouthed the words 'put him there'. When Ikkaku mouthed the words 'why should I?', she mouthed something else causing his face to turn bright red and flipped her off. "Just do it!"
Hitsugaya looked up at her. "Huh?"
"N- nothing."
Yumichika and Ikkaku both snuck up behind him and picked him up. They carried him over to the couch and sat him down next to a pillow and blanket that had been waiting for him all morning in expectation of his afternoon nap. Even drunk, he managed to put up one heck of a fight once he realized what they were trying to do. He wasn't going to be tucked in that easily.
Finally they tossed him onto the couch and Rangiku sat down with him in order to calm him down. "Captain, isn't this nice? It's a comfy spot made just for you. See? They do like you after all. They made it just for you because they like you a lot." She only prayed that that was enough to fool him into laying down to sleep this off. Understanding logic wasn't his strong suit in his current state so she had to try her best to fool him into doing whatever she wanted anyway she could.
It seemed to have worked. Hitsugaya was much calmer now. He slumped backwards into the couch looking totally out of it… more so. His wondering hand found the pillow and tossed it into the air. He watched it land on his lap and then tossed it back up and watched the display all over again. Then he looked at her and slurred, "It's soft."
"Uh-huh."
Ikkaku kept mouthing the words 'God, he's such an idiot' over and over again as Hitsugaya pointed out the obvious. Rangiku pointed to the teapot and silently told them to take it as far away from here as possible. Ikkaku and Yumichika did as instructed and left the room with the teapot, leaving Hitsugaya in her care alone.
Rangiku tapped Hitsugaya's shoulder. "Are you willing to lie down for me now?"
Again, Hitsugaya smiled drunkenly at her and answered with slurred words. "Ya know? I really like ya."
"That's nice, captain. Now please lie down."
"No, I mean it. I love ya. You're so good."
She shut her eyes from embarrassment. How much longer would this drunk talk go on?
He moved closer to her. He got on his knees and crawled over to her. Bringing one leg up, he kneeled on her leg and brought his face closer to hers. "Did I ever tell you how hot you are?"
"Uh… No." She scooted away.
He came closer. "You're smokin' hot. I mean it, really. For reals here, I do."
"Captain, please enough of this." Unable to move any further, she was forced to lean her head to one side, away from his. "You don't know… what you're…"
"I love those lips." He traced her lips with his fingers again. "I love them so much. They look so good… and tasty. I wonder what they taste like..?"
"Captain, don't."
He closed his eyes and puckered up. "Kiss me."
"What? No!"
"Just one widdle, itty bitty kissy-wissy. Pwetty please? I just want one."
"Yes, but why?"
"I dunno. I just feel like kissing. I want a kiss. Please…" He brought his face closer. She held her breath and turned her face away, shutting her eyes in horror. She really didn't want to be kissed by a drunk Hitsugaya. This was all too weird for her. "Please kiss me… Please… Ran… gi…"
The next thing she felt was him falling and landing in her lap. She opened her eyes and looked down. "Captain?" She turned him over and heard him snoring. He had finally passed out. She leaned back in the couch and let out a huge sigh. "Oh, Captain… I'm never letting you get drunk again. It's a huge nightmare. I never thought you'd be such a weird drunk…"
Then again, Hitsugaya drunk at all was weird enough.
This world was about as muddled as him mind. Upon opening his eyes, he was greeted by nothing but pain. Everything was a bright blur of unbearable lights burning into his corneas. With a muffled yelp, he hid his face in the pillow and whimpered. Everything hurt. His eyes, his head, his stomach, his body, everything. Little did the captain know, he was experiencing a very painful side effect from all that sake in his system. His head was pounding like a drum, his eyes couldn't handle the light, he felt like throwing up, and on top of all that, he couldn't remember anything. Everything was an unpleasant blur.
He sat up slowly rubbing his head. He felt awful. He felt nauseous, his head was throbbing and his whole body was aching. The light only made things worse for him, too. It felt like the light was burning into his skull setting his brain ablaze. All in all, he felt terrible.
"Ohh..! My head is killing me..!" he moaned, rubbing his temples. "What the hell happened to me?" Come to think of it, he couldn't even remember leaving his desk and making it over to the couch. How did he get here in the first place?
"Captain! You're awake!" Rangiku said in her usual shrill tone, causing his head so much more unnecessary pain.
Screaming in pain, Hitsugaya hid his head under the pillow. "Too loud!"
"Hm?" She blinked.
"You're too loud!"
That's right! The finally unfortunate side effect from all that drinking: the hangover. She felt so sorry for him. It looked like such a painful one, too. She lowered her tone to a whisper. "Sorry, sir."
He came out of hiding and sat with his back against the couch. He looked sick.
She couldn't help but feel guilty. She wanted to help him through this. She went over and sat next to him on the couch. "How are you feeling?"
"Awful," he moaned bitterly. "I feel like I got hit by a truck."
"Aw, you poor thing…"
He held his head in his hands. "But I don't understand why I feel this way. What could have happened to me?"
Wait. He didn't remember?
"Matsumoto."
"Y- yes?"
He squinted through the unbearable light. "Could you turn off those damn lights? I feel like I'm going blind!"
"Uh, sure thing!"
"You're getting loud again."
"Sorry." She quickly shut off the lights and joined him back on the couch. "Better?"
He opened his eyes more fully, but he didn't look any better. "Hardly, but thanks anyway. By the way, what happened? I don't remember getting over here."
"Oh." Thinking fast, she got a good cover story and tried to convince her captain. "You were so tired, Captain. I came back and found you at your desk. Passed out, I mean. I couldn't just leave you there like that so I carried you over to the couch and let you have your nap here."
He slowly nodded. "I guess that would make sense." It wasn't uncommon for him to work himself to sleep. He remembered how tired he was before. He must have fallen asleep leaving her to take care of him like she normally did. He winced and rubbed his head again. "But I have this horrible headache..!"
"You must have worked too hard. Hasn't that ever happened to you before?"
He thought about it. Sometimes he did wake up with a headache. He had been working very hard lately. Perhaps it wasn't too farfetched. Then he got a horrible pain in his gut and felt like retching. "Ugh, then why do I feel like I'm going to be sick?"
"It must be a migraine. That could also explain why your eyes are so sensitive to the light."
Again, that made perfect sense. He had had migraines before and they did feel similar to this. But he had never woken up with them before. He usually slept them off over night. This was a little odd. "What time is it?"
"You slept for most of the afternoon. It's almost dinnertime."
He looked at her then out the window. It was nearing sunset. He had been out a while. He must have been really tired. But this also meant that he had missed lunch. He was starving. Maybe that contributed to his stomach pain. He must have been really hungry. Sometimes when he didn't eat for a long time, he felt a little sick. Especially when he went to sleep on an empty stomach. It was all beginning to make sense to him.
Hitsugaya bought her story.
But he still wasn't feeling any better. He still felt terrible.
"Want some skullcap tea?"
"Some what?"
"Skullcap tea," she repeated. "I always drink a little bit of it when I feel this lousy. It helps you feel better."
The thought of tea didn't sit well with him. He didn't want any herbs in his body at the moment. All he could picture himself doing was throwing it all up again. "No thanks."
"Water?"
"Sure."
She brought him a glass of water. He sipped on it. She patted his head.
"Don't do that."
She took her hand away. "Sorry."
He let out a heavy sigh. "I suppose I should try to eat something to feel better… But I keep thinking that it will only make me feel worse. I could do without throwing up…"
"Want me to make you something?"
"Like I said, I can do without throwing up."
"Aw! Don't be like that! Come on! Be nice!"
He covered his ear with his free hand. "Too loud! Lower your volume!"
"Sorry."
Now that all was said and done, Rangiku had plenty of time to relax, now that she knew that she wasn't going to be killed. She thought back to the events that happened just a few hours ago. She thought about his strange antics and odd behaviors. At the time they weren't very funny, but now that she had time to look back on them, they were quite amusing. She thought about his mood swings and his drunk talk. When she flashed back to the part where he had kissed Yumichika, she started to snort with laughter.
"What's so funny?"
"N- nothing, nothing…" She tried to stifle her giggles, but it was far too funny. It was a good thing he didn't remember any of it.
He let out another sigh and sipped his water. He just had to wait this out. It'll all be over soon. He was sure of it.
A few minutes later, they heard a soft knock on the door. But to Hitsugaya, it felt like a jackhammer on his skull. "Answer that, will you?"
"Sure thing."
But before she could reach the door, it slid open to reveal Kira and Hanataro. The shorter Soul Reaper was holding a small bag in his hands and trailed behind Kira like a shy child.
"What are you two doing in here?"
"We're here for him," Kira answered, pointing to Hitsugaya.
The two hurried over to the couch where Hitsugaya was sitting. Holding his head in one hand and a glass of water in the other, he asked irritably, "What?"
Hanataro placed the bag on Hitsugaya's lap. "Uh, Captain Unohana wanted you to take this, sir."
Setting the glass down, he opened the bag and looked inside. He pulled out a single corked bottle filled with some kind of strange colored liquid inside. "What is this?"
Hanataro bowed his head. "It's a remedy for your hangover."
For a moment, Rangiku could swear her heart had jumped out of her chest and slapped her in the face. He did not just say what she thought he did, did he?
Hitsugaya lowered the bottle and raised his brow at him. "What are you talking about? I don't have a hangover."
"Really? That's not what we heard."
Hitsugaya frowned. "Why? What did you hear?"
"That Lieutenant Matsumoto slipped you some sake and you got drunk."
Rangiku bit her lip and inched away.
"What are you talking about?" Hitsugaya wasn't understanding this at all. "She didn't slip me anything. How could she? She wasn't even here."
She started to calm at this. He still believed the story she fed him. This was good news. Maybe she wouldn't have to die after all.
Kira scratched his head. "Huh. That's odd. Because I heard that she hid some sake in the office and you took it by accident."
"Who told you that?"
"Ikkaku."
Hitsugaya blinked. "What? Why would he..? Where did he get an idea like that?"
"Because he was in here with Yumichika and saw you himself," Kira answered. "He told me everything. He said that you were totally wasted. You were going through mood swings, jumping all over the place, kept falling over, you couldn't walk a straight line to save your life. He would have told me more, but Yumichika shut him up when he got to the part where you kissed him."
Hanataro turned to him. "Which one?"
"Oh, Yumichika. He kissed Yumichika on the lips."
Hitsugaya's face turned red, but it was from rage this time. "What? How could that have happened?"
"Like I said. Rangiku hid sake in the office and you got a hold of it."
"How? Where?"
"According to him, she had filled up water bottles and energy drinks with the stuff and even hid some in a tea-"
Rangiku rushed over and covered his mouth before anything else could be said. But the damage had been done. Nonetheless, she still tried to save herself. "Captain, it's not what you think-"
"Matsumoto!" He jumped to his feet, ignoring his dizziness and got ready to unleash his rage.
Hanataro looked from person to person before mumbling softly, "Oh… I guess you didn't know…"
"Good-bye!" Kira grabbed Hanataro and fled out the door just in time to hear the beginning of Hitsugaya's unleashed, earsplitting ranting. And knowing the amount of trouble she had gotten herself into on this one, they could tell that this was only a mild beginning to a never ending hell of the captain's incomparable murderous rage.
"More?" Ikkaku filled his friend's cup with more sake from the teapot they took.
"Ah, thank you." He sipped from the cup. "There isn't much left in it, is there?"
Ikkaku checked. "Nope. But I'm not getting more."
"I'm not asking you to. Besides..." Yumichika took another sip. "We really shouldn't be drinking now anyway."
"Why? It's almost the evening."
"Yes, but we did have a job to do before we discovered the 'issue', you know, and we never did finish it. We've been sitting here drinking."
"Heh!" Ikkaku chuckled. "As far as anyone knows, this is only tea." He winked at him.
Yumichika grinned and looked back to the sunset. "By the way, when do you suppose Hitsugaya will find out about the, ahem, events of today?"
At the sound of a loud crash, both turned around. They faced the wall, listening to the sounds of poeple running and screaming from the other side. Then they both heard Rangiku's screams as she ran past. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Her screamed of fear turned into screams of pain after hearing another loud crash and Hitsugaya's voice screaming, "MATSUMOTO! GET BACK HERE!"
Ikkaku smirked. "I'd say he just found out right about now." He poured himself another cup and listened to Rangiku's screams fade away down to the other end of the building.
The End!
I hope it didn't suck too bad. I have never been drunk before in my life, but I know plenty of stories about people who have. ^-^
And, yes, it was longer than I thought it would be, but hey. Maybe I'll make a shorter one some day... I like it as it is.
Thanks for reading and please review!