Chapter 1

As always I do not own Criminal Minds just the OOC….I know I have left this for a while but aside from working on other stories…Which I will update….I just couldn't leave this series where I had….So as I always ask please R&R….Thank you to those whom have reviewed and followed these stories and yes I will be carrying on with Sarah's diary…..Updates will be slow but that is due to work and I have a lot going on right now…..Any way I will shut up now and stop my normal rambles…

Emily's POV…

The operation had gone well; Jennifer never left his side as I tried to hold my emotions in not allowing myself to break to be strong for her. Because her world was falling apart in front of me, I wonder how much crap we have to go through and is there really any point to it all. Will things ever become easier there again I have been asking myself that ever since Sarah was kidnapped.

I have questioned everything and everyone, part of me feels it is my fault because no matter what I do or what I touch it ends in pain, would everyone just be better off if I was not here? I blame myself because we should not have left Sarah alone with them, we were out drinking and having fun while our baby boy was at home struggling to breathe his heart giving away to the beating until it could beat no more.

Sarah though had been amazing as Karen had told me, when her and Rossi had gotten to the house Sarah was giving CPR and I am grateful we never saw that or it would bring worse nightmares to the love of my life, she is struggling holding on by a thread and there is absolutely nothing I can do. I cannot help I can only try and give comfort. Sarah has become a ghost in fact so has Jennifer.

Our house is no longer filled with laughter and joy, but a big gaping hole which is yet to be healed, Jennifer has spent most days in the bedroom Sarah joins her as they cuddle in bed keeping the world outside because neither of them can cope. They just do not what to do in truth no one can cope.

I keep myself busy as I ring around places and if I hear one more time 'I am sorry for your loss' I will shove my gun to the handset and blast it into pieces, Jennifer has tried to help sort things out but she can't bring herself to do it. She cannot bring herself to look, but it needs to be done and it needs to be correct.

I just had to keep it together I had to hold my family together, because together we won't fall, Morgan has been so strong for me the past few days, helping sort things out, it had come as such a shock to us all but it has hit Jennifer the hardest, they told us he was doing well he had pasted the 18hrs and was strong. However, two days later they rushed him back into surgery as his heart started to struggle again, I did not see him after that, I could not bring myself to see him until they had cleaned him and made sure all the blood was gone so I was able to hold my perfect little bundle of joy in my arms.

I was numb and I still am but when I held him in my arms, it hit me. I was never going to be able to look into his hazel eyes again, never going to hear him cry or gurgle. I was not going to be able to hold him in our spot and him sleeping on my chest in the early hours of the morning and Jennifer was not going to be able to take any more pictures to catch the moment. It was now lost forever.

Looking back over the past few weeks, I have come to realize that I should never have promised. I should never of told her everything would be okay, who am I to say things will be okay when in truth I only said it in a hope to give her some comfort give her some peace and hope. I am numb I am not sure how I should feel, I am not crying I am not angry I am empty as I look down the aisle that is in front of me.

A coffin always looks so much smaller than the person was in life but as they walk the tiny white coffin down the aisle, Jennifer curls into me more her tears are cutting through me like a knife, Sarah is wrapped in Karen's arms as I look around the small church which is full even of people I don't know or I don't remember each one is either here for our family or for our little man.

The service is only short in the church, there is not much of a life to talk about we had been blessed for such a short time with him in our lives and now there was blankness, darkness had over taken us all.

We have lost a child, the team had lost a nephew, Sarah had lost her brother there was no words of comfort anyone could bring to each other to make the pain less. It is senseless; maybe I should have had an abortion it would have saved us from all this, this pain, and this loss. I know I should but I do blame myself I should have done more to protect him. I should have wanted him in the first place, I should have bonded with him before he was born, should have been more happy about the life I was going to bring into the world. Nevertheless, I wasn't, it took Jennifer pointing it out to make me see what I was doing how far I had pushed her and how much I really wasn't dealing with the fact that I was pregnant. That also may have had something to do with the fact that it was not planned I did not ask to become pregnant it happened.

But when I first held him in my arms I knew right there and then I had done the right thing, but to have him ripped out of my arms again it is too much for me to even try and get my head around.

I follow the coffin out as I keep Jennifer wrapped in my arms, her heart is breaking and I wish I could make it all better, I wish I could bring him back so we didn't have to go through this. She asked me the other night why it was that god seemed to punish us, I could not give her an answer because I know the answer I want to give would send her into a rage and I like my head where it is.

I always said god was or is out to get me for the things I have done in the past or the fact that the second I am truly happy someone comes along and rips it out from underneath me. Moreover, I brought Jennifer into this to share in this pain, god I am selfish! What right did I have to bring this pain into her life she deserves better than me.

I didn't even notice we were at the graveside until I felt Jennifer grip me tighter pulling me from my thoughts my turmoil as I look at her, broken blue eyes and I know mine are just as broken but she knows I am guarded again I have locked myself behind my walls not because I want to keep her out but because right now she needs me more than I need to show my feelings.

I asked Morgan to read a short poem for us, he agreed to it, and now watching him, it breaks my heart. It is not often you see Derek Morgan cry but as he reads and his words hits our eyes, the tears are streaming down his face his voice trembles as he reads the words.

'Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints on snow,

I am the sun on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circling flight.

I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there; I did not die.'

Jennifer is now shaking in my arms and my heart breaks for her, I want to tell her I am sorry I want her to forgive me but I am unsure how I have and if I have the right to ask for it. I lied to her I told her he would be fine and he was not. He was not fine!

I watch as they all start to leave Sarah is now wrapped in Jennifer's arms as I am rooted to the spot just looking at the pure white coffin my heart is torn there is no healing only death only the sheer amount of pain as though I have lost part of myself. It is not just Andrew they are putting into the ground but they are placing part of me in there with him.

Do they understand that? Do they understand that once they put my baby in the ground they are placing me inside with him?

I didn't even know I was on the ground, I was finally crying my heart breaking as the sobs ripped from my chest I didn't want to leave him all alone I didn't want him to feel scared. I flinched slightly as the soft hand touched my shoulder I looked up through watery eyes staring into soft loving blue eyes.

She lowered herself to the ground wrapping her arms around me as I let everything come pouring out, sobbing telling her it wasn't fair, he was our baby boy he was ours and he was taken from us ripped out the world too soon, he and his sister arrived too soon and now he had gone. She tightened her grip around me as my head rests on her chest her hand rubbing my back.

"I was waiting for this," she whispered so softly placing her lips on my head and I know what she means when she said it. She was waiting for me to break.

Poem is by Mary Elizabeth Frye