Disclaimer: The Avengers/Thor sadly do not belong to me.
Author's Note: The original Owner's Guide belongs to Theresa Green. It first appeared in the LOTR fandom, but many others have used the original template in other fandoms for other characters.
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Thor: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
CONGRATULATIONS!
You are now the proud owner of a THOR GOD OF THUNDER unit!
Follow the guidelines in this manual and your THOR will give you decades of quality performance.
INSTALLATION
When you receive your THOR unit, it is essential to remind him that he has not been banished from Asgard. Make sure you tell him that he is simply on vacation in Midgard and that Mjölnir is nearby. Make sure he knows that although he cannot retrieve Mjölnir right away he can have it back later if he works hard. Please be warned that failing to do so may result in a random angry outburst from your THOR unit accompanied by screams of "You are no match for the son of Odin!"
Your THOR should arrive fully assembled and charged. Please check that you have all his accessories (see below) and that you have been issued with the correct edition of the THOR unit.
(a) THOR 1.0 (copyright Stan Lee, Jack Kirby, Larry Lieber: 1962)
(b) THOR 2.0 (copyright Kenneth Branagh/Tom Hiddleston, 2011/2012)
Note: This Owner's Manual refers to THOR 2.0, the more lifelike model who closely resembles Chris Hemsworth.
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
Name: Thor Odinson
God of: Thunder
Place of Residence:Asgard
Place of Origin: Asgard
Species: Deity
Manufacturers: Odin and Frigga
Height: 6'4" (1.92m)
Weight: 209.5 lbs (95kg)
Hair Color: Blonde
Eyes: Blue
OPERATING PROCEDURE
Your THOR unit has been designed to be as user-friendly as possible. His controls are voice activated. Please state your commands clearly in any language, he is a God and is therefore programmed to speak in all dialects (Although he may be slightly stubborn with you about taking orders in general).
Remember that your THOR unit is not just there to do your errands; he can serve you in many creative ways.
Intelligence Quotient:
Don't think that just because Thor is a battle machine and hammer slinger that he is stupid! This Norse God got way more than drool on his IQ test; he is quite the strategic genius.
Combat:
Your THOR unit is a master in battle with his favorite hammer in hand; in fact, he once took on an army of frost giants and a jotun beast on his own! THOR's hammer was formed in the heart of a star, which makes it very powerful, heavy, and unique! But don't be mislead thinking all his power is in his hammer, he is just as strong without it.
Invincibility:
Your THOR unit possesses nigh-invulnerability and immunity to human ailments such as diseases, toxins, poisons, corrosives, fire, electrocution, asphyxiation, lead, and radiation poisoning. He has withstood direct blow in the face from a massive Frost Giant and laughed afterward. THOR's skin, muscle, and bone tissues have several times the density of the same tissue in the body of a human being, contributing to his superhuman weight. At full power he is invulnerable to powerful energy blasts, weighted impacts, falls from great heights, explosions and various other opposing forces. Even when he was stripped of his powers, he was still amazingly durable due to his dense body. He was hit twice by JANE FOSTER unit's truck and even though he was knocked down and out, he showed no visible damage after waking up.
COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS
You will find that your THOR unit can be extremely obnoxious and self absorbed. But fear not, he can in fact become friends with other units if given the proper simulation.
Regardless of whether you wish to use your THOR unit for personal purposes or friend making purposes, you should familiarize yourself with THOR unit's interaction settings:
(a) Son of Odin
(b) Friendly
(c) Hostile
(d) Superior
WARNING: Your THOR will be especially iolent if put in setting (a). He will beat up anyone who seems threatening shouting "HOW DARE YOU ATTACK THE SON OF ODIN." And the like.
ACCESSORIES
The items with which your THOR unit comes equipped, depends on which edition of the God you have purchased.
THOR 1.0 : Your THOR 1.0 is made completely of paper. He is also now equipped with an imitation Mjolnir made out of cement!*
THOR 2.0 : Comes fully equipped with his red cape, boots, fancy pants, silver accessories, Mjölnir**, and his best winged helmet.***
*Your THOR 1.0 cannot hold his cement hammer, but it makes a nice paper weight!
**Your THOR 2.0 unit is not a "club wielding ape". Don't mock his hammer.
***Please remind your THOR 2.0 that his helmet's wings do not make him fly. Not warning him may result in him jumping off buildings expecting to be rescued by his helmet.
CLEANING
Your THOR unit will need to bathe regularly. He will fight you and you may have to sedate him at first. But fear not, you can bathe him consciously once he learns his lesson. (Which may take quite a while)
LUBRICATION
To ensure that your THOR unit remains in good working order, moving parts should be lubricated regularly.
Note: Your THOR unit will only allow the JANE FOSTER unit to lubricate him.
RECHARGING
As your THOR unit is immortal, he does not require regular human maintenance, however, he does appreciate the following for pleasure:
Food:
Your THOR unit will eat almost anything you will put in front of him. The only drawback is: you must provide enough of said food to feed a small village. He frequently will devour a whole box of pop tarts, a dozen scrambled eggs, an orchard of fresh fruit, and about seven stacks of pancakes.
Drink:
THOR unit enjoys a nice large cup of mead at every meal. However, he will settle for cheap liquor if no mead is available. THOR unit will also enjoy cups of caffeinated coffee. *Unit Incorporated does not claim responsibility for any temper tantrums thrown by THOR unit if he is served un-caffeinated coffee.
Sleep:
You may be surprised by the minute amount of sleep your THOR unit needs to function. However, he needs four hours* to function comfortably, and seven hours to function well. It is not necessary for your THOR unit to sleep, but it is suggested.
*Your THOR unit will not appreciate being woken up after miniscule amounts of sleep, Unit Incorporated is not responsible for any personal injury inflicted by the THOR unit after unusually early awakenings. Please also take note that your THOR unit may shout "YOU DARE TO WAKE THE SON OF ODIN?" *Unit Incorporated is not responsible for any hearing loss caused by THOR unit's shouting.
REPROGRAMMING
The THOR unit 2.0 can be issued with a revised knowledge program from Asgard via the Yggdrasil Tree Network, as can his brother LOKI unit. Be sure to update his knowledge regularly, as he may start to believe he is banished if you don't.
It is not possible to reprogram the THOR 1.0, who comes with original hammer slinging pompous attitude.
SECURITY
Thanks to the popularity of the THOR unit (especially version 2.0), it essential that you observe the following security procedures for the safekeeping of your Norse God:
* Have your THOR micro-chipped. Choose a doctor who has many, MANY assistants who can restrain and sedate him. It is suggested to use a doctor who treats either sumo wrestlers or elephants. (Or both if such a doctor is available)
* Do not leave your THOR unit unattended in public. He may be swarmed by an ocean of fangirls.
* Do not lend your THOR to anyone. His strong personality may frighten strangers, as he can act very bizarre.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: My THOR unit is constantly shouting "I AM THE SON OF ODIN YOU DARE TO ATTACK ME?" when I try to groom him/brush his hair. How can I calm him down?
A: Tell him that if he lets you brush his hair he will be the king of Asgard, and he will grudgingly comply.
Q: My THOR unit keeps trying to hug my neighbor's LOKI unit even though the LOKI unit wants to kill him. What's with his self destructive behavior?
A: Your THOR unit lives under the illusion that a hug will reconcile problems with his brother LOKI unit. Sit him down with a cup of coffee and try talking some sense into him. (not that it will work) *Unit Incorporated is not responsible for any damage done to the THOR unit by the LOKI unit in battle.
Q: My THOR unit smashes his coffee cup after he's done drinking. What's wrong with him?
A: There's nothing wrong with him – it's just one of his quirks. Just accept it and move on.
TROUBLE SHOOTING
Problem: My THOR unit says that my blue haired friend is a jotun. Why is he doing this? What is a jotun? and is it an insult?
Solution:Your THOR unit is confused by the unnatural blue coloring of your friend's hair. A jotun is a frost giant, and an enemy to the ASGARDIAN units. Such a term is not really a compliment.
Problem: All that my THOR unit ever talks about is bashing people with hammers, JANE FOSTER unit, and glorious battles. How can I get him to talk about something really interesting?
Solution: Ask him about his banishment to Midgard.
Problem: My THOR keeps saying "Kneel before me. I said... KNEEL! Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power. For identity. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel." I'm extremely confused. I thought THOR unit was a protagonist?
Solution: Your THOR unit has been issued a LOKI unit motherboard. As these two are both ASGARDIAN units it is easy to see how they can be mistakenly switched. If you wish to replace your LOKI unit mother board for a THOR unit mother board we would be happy to do so free of charge.
Problem: My THOR unit isn't particularly fond of houses of mirrors? Why?
Solution: Your THOR unit's brother LOKI unit has the ability to make fake duplicates of himself. A house of mirrors may be reminiscent to this talent his brother possesses.
Problem: My THOR unit refuses to go see Shakespeare in the park with me? And keeps muttering something about "Doth mother know you weareth her drapes?" What's his problem? How do I get him to come with me?
Solution: Your THOR unit is still sore about an insult from the IRON MAN unit that referred to Shakespeare and Drapes. If you tell him you are going out to get mead and that you are going to watch a good duel afterwards he may want to go with you.
Problem: My THOR unit keeps talking about the U.S.S. Kelvin and Star Fleet? What's wrong with him?
Solution: You have been issued a GEORGE KIRK unit on accident! George Kirk was the Captain on the Star Fleet Star Ship the U.S.S Kelvin for about 10 minutes until he died tragically. We would be happy to supply you with a THOR unit free of charge.
Problem: My THOR unit keeps talking about a magical Rainbow Bridge floating in space that runs into a "bi-frost". RAINBOW Bridge? BI-frost? Is he trying to come out of the closet?
Solution: Don't worry about it. Your THOR unit is too madly in love with JANE FOSTER unit to change sexuality. The rainbow bridge leads to the bifrost which is a portal between worlds. If you are still concerned ask THOR unit for an explanation. I'm sure he'd be happy to tell you all about it.
ADDITIONAL INFO
For questions or concerns please contact your nearest review box immediately.