A Shizaya's style Interview
Pairing : Shizuo/Izaya
Warning : Mention of sexual activies, Swearing, Izaya trolling and Shizuo... well being Shizuo.
Note : - This fic was inspired by Luna Darkside's detective Conan story, Interview. And I would like to thank her for sending me a blank set of those questions.
- I know that this format isn't allowed on ffnet, so if someone want me to delete it, I'll do it.
- I would like to apologize in advance for my poor grammar as English isn't my first language... I'm in serious need of a Beta... So if someone would be so kind as to volunteer, I'll be forever grateful !
Enjoy !
Name of your lover?
Shizuo – Flea.
Izaya – Shizu-chan.
Shizuo – Don't call me that, damn it! I have a name and it's Heiwajima Shizuo!
Izaya – Then maybe you should have started by saying that mine was Orihara Izaya, ne?
Age of your lover?
Shizuo – Twenty five… Though he likes to pretend that he is twenty one.
Izaya – That's because I'm forever twenty-one! Anyway, Shizu-chan is twenty-five, a few months older than me… Though he still has the mental reasoning of a five years old.
Shizuo – I'm so going to punch you!
Izaya (smirking) – See?
Gender of your lover?
Shizuo – … Insect?
Izaya – That's not a gender, stupid protozoan! And I'm human.
Shizuo – Alright… Male… probably.
Izaya – Are you picking a fight with me, Shizu-chan?
Shizuo – I'm not the one personating a girl online, Kanra-chan… And I swear I saw you cross-dressing once…
Izaya – That was for a job!
Shizuo – You don't need to wear women underwear just for a job! Sexy lacy ones at that! You were clearly enjoying yourself.
Izaya – … Were you peeking under my skirt, Shizu-chan?
Favorite thing to do with your lover?
Shizuo – Dunno… Wiping that damn annoying smirk off.
Izaya – Framing him?
Shizuo – If you do that again, I'll really kill you this time!
Izaya – Just joking ~ Hm… Annoying the hell out of him and making him chase after me, leaving behind us a trail of utter chaos and destruction… and of course sex.
Shizuo – What the hell are you saying in front of a poor innocent girl?
Izaya – Now, now, Shizu-chan… Half Tokyo already knows about our… hm… definition of fun… And about the sex part… well our guest here, already took the initiative of referring us in that insipid, fluffy and slightly inaccurate label that is 'lover'… therefore she must have accurately guessed that we didn't pass our nights, afternoons and sometimes mornings playing cards, we are both very healthy young men after all.
Shizuo - … still, that's private, flea.
Izaya (sighs) – Shizu-chan, look at the way she is tensing up at the very mention of 'sex', she is obviously waiting for crusty details of our sex life. So I'm just humouring her, ne? Ah no need to feel guilty or embarrassed, miss, it's only natural… after all Shizu-chan and I are both very hot men, ne?
Shizuo – For God's sake, shut up, now. Next question.
Hateful thing to do with your… partner?
Izaya – Ah it's okay to continue with 'lover', don't worry about it… It's always interesting to notice how my lovely humans like to barricade themselves in 'socially accepted' behaviours and 'generic and restraining' labels, you –
Shizuo (cutting him) – Listening to him prattle on and on about his 'lovely' humans.
Izaya – Are you jealous, Shizu-chan?
Shizuo – Like hell, I am! Just answer the damn question! And of course, discovering one of his sick schemes.
Izaya – I'm not always up to something you know.
Shizuo – You're behind ninety-nine percent of weird things happening in Ikebukuro.
Izaya – I don't know what you're talking about~ Hm… I guess I hate when Shizu-chan messes up with my plan?
What do you do on your free time with your… other halves?
Izaya – Now that's just downright wrong. 'Other halves' suggests that Shizu-chan and I were the same person at the start or something as ridiculous as merging together to form a 'better man'… And I'm nothing like that protozoan. And if you were talking about 'soul mates' then –
Shizuo – Damn it, flea! Stop trying to be a smartass and just answer the fucking question!
Izaya – I was just correcting a serious misconception about us, Shizu-chan… Or don't tell me, you actually believe that we were destined to be together?
Shizuo – If it was true, I would like to have a serious discussion with Fate… There's a limit in how much someone can mess up.
Izaya – Ah… but I don't think you can beat up Fate, Shizu-chan.
Shizuo – Why the hell not?
Hum… About the question…?
Izaya – Right. Annoying him because it's fun and because I can.
Shizuo – Throwing stuffs at him because he pisses me off.
Izaya – We also practise our aiming and parkour skill together.
Shizuo –… we do?
Izaya – Yeah every single day… You know the usual "IZAYAAAA GET THE HELL OUT OF IKEBUKURO", following by your 'hit the flea with the vending machines' game – which you're kind of bad at, by the way – and finishing with my 'Ikebukuro Run' one(though I'm way more successful in outrunning my ape pursuer) …
Shizuo – Oh that…Wait who the hell is an ape!?
Izaya – And here, I was thinking about promoting you, but I guess you can stay a protozoan… Oh and of course we are "playing cards"… a lot.
What is your lover's favorite food?
Izaya – Oh? Giving up in trying to be imaginative?
Shizuo – Don't start, Flea! Ootoro.
Izaya – Wah, Shizu-chan knows what my favorite food is! I feel so honored!
Shizuo – Half fucking Ikebukuro probably knows, what's with you visiting Russian Sushi thrice a week and yelling your love for Ootoro each time!
Izaya – Shizu-chan's favorite food? Basically anything with milk or/and sugar in it, I guess? But his favorite are pudding, vanilla ice cream and strawberry flavoured milk… You have such childish taste, Shizu-chan.
Shizuo – Shut up! How the hell do you know that?
Izaya – I'm one hell of an informant.
What is your lover's favorite thing to do?
Shizuo – Plotting God knows what, pissing me off and fucking humans observation.
Izaya – … Now, now, Shizu-chan, I mostly stay away from my lovely humans' sex life, you know? Please do not make me sound like a creepy stalker, ne?
Shizuo – I didn't mean it that way! And you are a creepy stalker.
Izaya – How mean ~ I'm just gathering useful and private information about my lovely humans by occasionally following them and hacking into their computer. I am an efficient informant, after all.
Shizuo – How is that any different from a creepy efficient stalker?
Izaya – Well I'm paid for it.
Shizuo – Okay… So you're a creepy, efficient, paid stalker.
Izaya – Stalker are generally obsessed about the ones they are following… And I do not have any obsession towards my lovely humans… I just love to mess with their life.
Shizuo – A creepy, efficient, paid bastard.
Did you announce your relationship in public?
Shizuo – Why would I? It's none of their business!
Izaya – Nope ~ Unless you count that time when Shizu-chan yelled for everyone to hear "IZAAAAYAAAA I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!"… Though I don't think anyone realized back then, that Shizu-chan was meaning it literally.
Shizuo – I wasn't!
Izaya – Of course, Shizu-chan (because we didn't have sex, exactly three minutes after that statement… not at all.) Ah but few acquaintances of ours know about us, though.
Shizuo – Seriously?! Who?
Izaya (sighs) – Why do you think Shinra gave you that STD examination back then? And that condom box?
Shizuo – Damn it! That's why he was smiling like a creep, that bastard!
Izaya – I've always thought you were a little dense… But to reach such level is just ridiculous, Shizu-chan.
Do you trust your lover?
Shizuo – Do I look like an idiot!? – Don't answer that, flea!– of course I don't trust him… He would probably stab me in the back at the first occasion… literally…
Izaya – it wouldn't kill you anyway, so who cares?
Shizuo – I do! It tears and stains my precious suits!
Izaya – Ah well…I was wondering how many bartender outfits you had… Each time I thought I had destroyed them all, a new one pops out of nowhere. It's truly an amazing phenomenon~ Maybe I should just burn your whole closet? Then you would be forced to wear something else…
Shizuo – Don't you dare!
Izaya – Anyway… I did trust him not to break my door each time he is coming over… But well, I guess he is a hopeless case, which doesn't know the meaning of 'knocking'.
Shizuo – Oi! I'm not that bad!
Izaya – Of course Shizu-chan, that's why I have the private number of Satomi-san on speed dial in each of my twelve phones.
Shizuo – Who?!
Izaya (rolling his eyes) – Satomi-san, you know the very kind human that comes to repair the door every single time you break it… You should really try to remember the name of my neighbours, Shizu-chan.
Shizuo – Why would I bother?
Izaya – Because he is useful, and… Because the wall between his bedroom and mine isn't that thick and he definitely knows your name.
Shizuo – You mean –
Izaya – Yes, why do you think he always averts his eyes and blushes when you're around?
Shizuo – Then why does he keep coming to repair the door?
Izaya – I'm offering him live free porn, of course he would keep coming. No pun intended.
Shizuo –…
Izaya –…
Shizuo – Bullshit! You're paranoid like hell, I'm sure your walls are soundproof.
Izaya – Who knows? ~
What do you call your lover? Do you give pet names to your lover?
Izaya – Shizu-chan.
Shizuo – Flea.
Have you ever been on a date?
Shizuo – I don't think so… though he would drag me now and then to Russian Sushi…
Izaya – I'm hurt, Shizu-chan, what about our romantic escapades all across Ikebukuro?
Shizuo – I was too busy throwing stuffs at your ass to notice anything…
Izaya – I knew you were staring at my ass!
Where did you go for your first date with your lover, if you had one? If not, what was the first thing you did as an official couple?
Izaya – Please try to be more specific… What exactly do you mean by 'official' couple?
Shizuo – Are you stupid? It obviously means the moment we stopped trying to kill each other.
Izaya – Alright… when did that happen, again? Because you threw that vending machines at me something like two hours ago…
Shizuo – … the first time we kissed, then?
Izaya – What are you the heroine of a shojo manga? Kissing doesn't equal couple, Shizu-chan.
Shizuo – Fine! Confessed?
Izaya – You did that once and it was back in high school when you told me you didn't like me…
Shizuo – Ugh… fucked?
Izaya – Which one of us was complaining about saying those kind of things in front of a "poor innocent girl", again? But even then, we could just be "fuck buddies".
Shizuo – Ah damn it! This seriously starts to piss me off! Who cares anyway?!
Izaya – How can we answer the question if we don't know when we became an "official couple"?
Shizuo – AHHH just SHUT UP! Alright! We became a fucking official couple when I marked you as mine got any complaints with that, damn flea!?
Izaya –…
Shizuo – So that's it, next question!
But you didn't answer the original question…
Shizuo – Oh right, sorry. What was it again? 'What was the first thing you did as an official couple?' Hm… probably sex.
Izaya – No, Shizu-chan, that was after I sent a gang on your way and you tried to smash my head with a motorcycle.
Shizuo – Alright so the first thing we did was trying to kill each other… Then we had sex.
Izaya – Story of our lives.
When did you first meet each other? Describe the setting.
Shizuo – A friend introduced us, when we were in high school. I was beating some assholes up, when I saw that annoying smirk of his… I tried to punch him, but somehow he managed to dodge and slash my chest at the same time… Then he fled and made me chase after him… Resulting in me, being run over by a truck.
Izaya – Yeah that was fun.
Who asked out the other person first?
Shizuo – …
Izaya – …
Shizuo – We never did ask, right?
Izaya – Who needs words when you can throw vending machines, ne?
If your lover was an hour late for your date, what would you do?
Izaya – Feel sorry for the poor soul that managed – not that it's really difficult per se – to anger Shizu-chan and get him delayed. But an hour is a little too much… So I would probably track him down and either call the cops or help him hide the corpses… Yeah depends on my mood, I guess.
Shizuo – Go search for him and punch him on the face, probably…
Izaya – Wah so mean! What if I had been kidnapped?
Shizuo – Yeah right, knowing you, that would have been part of one or your sick plans. So I would still punch you to give you a lesson because, 'Izaya-kun you're not supposed to follow stranger and let yourself get kidnapped even when you know perfectly well that you could have kill that bastard in thirty-six different ways any time you want. You should know better than traumatising poor assholes who didn't who they were dealing with.'
Izaya – …
Izaya – Pfft', ha ha, is that what your mother taught you when you were little, Shizu-chan? That's hilarious, ha, ha!
Shizuo – IZAAAAYAAAAAA!
Izaya – … please do put down my coffee table, Shizu-chan, you are scaring our guest… and no, my couch is not an option either…
Describe your lover as an animal?
Shizuo – A very annoying and clingy flea, because he's a freaky little shit. Or maybe a black cat… You know like a bad omen? Something like 'if he looks at you in the eyes you'll get shitty luck for the next seven years'.
Izaya – Wah that's so mean, Shizu-chan! Don't talk about me as if I were a curse.
Shizuo – You are.
Izaya (pouts) – Such a bad dog, you are.
Shizuo – The hell!? Which part of me looks like a dog!?
Izaya – Well you're like Tanaka-san watchdog for a start… Then you're a perfect obedient and docile little domestic dog when you're with Kasuka-kun… And you're chasing me around like a hunting dog each time you see me in Ikebukuro… And I'm not even talking about your creeping super sense of smell…
Shizuo –That's because you stink, flea! Of course I would notice your scent miles away!
Describe your lover in one word.
Shizuo – Scheming pest.
Izaya – That's two words, Shizu-chan.
Shizuo – Scheming smartass pest.
Izaya (sighs) – Unpredictable.
Describe your lover as a flower.
Shizuo – Weed.
Izaya – That's not even a flower!
Shizuo – Whatever, you're always coming back no matter how many time I throw you away, so yes you're definitively some kind of weed!
Izaya – I'm going to take that as a compliment, ok? As for Shizu-chan… um…I'd say Gladiolus? [A.N: Gladioluses symbolize strong determination, strength of character, honor, faithfulness to certain principles and sincerity.]
Shizuo – The hell is that!?
Izaya (smirks) – Who knows? It's not my fault if you have such a protozoan brain…
Shizuo – Glad-what?! Say it again!
Izaya – No can do. You really don't need to know, Shizu-chan. (Especially the meaning of this flower…) [ A.N: Gladiolus sometimes means love at first sight.]
In your next life, will your love continue?
Izaya – I don't believe in reincarnation…
Shizuo – One life is enough, thank you very much.
Will you ever cheat on your lover?
Izaya – Which one?
Shizuo – AAAAAH!? Care to repeat that IZAAAYAAA-KUUUN?
Izaya – Just kidding ~ I'll wait for Shizu-chan to be all old, powerless and wrinkled to cheat on him.
Shizuo – You'll also be old and wrinkled, you stupid flea!
Izaya – Nonsense, I'm forever twenty one. But what about you, would you cheat on me, Shizu-chan?
Shizuo (snorting) – You know that I wouldn't be able to, even If I wanted to, damn flea, you would probably notice and get rid of that person before I had even started to think that I wanted to cheat on you, because you're creepy like that.
What would you do if your lover cheated on you?
Izaya – Well I believe it was stated above that it couldn't possibly ever happen, ne? But, if he somehow miraculously manages to do it… then I do hope that at least he wouldn't chose someone that would break easily, ne?
Shizuo – Kill him until he dies.
Izaya – … what kind of stupid logic is that?
Who is Seme and Uke?
Shizuo – What's that?
Izaya – Nothing. Next question!
What are your thoughts on rape?
Izaya – Hm… It depends really, are we talking about the act in itself, or the rapist or victim? Because –
Shizuo – Don't start, flea, that's sick. Next.
Did you have your first time with your current lover?
Shizuo – …Yeah.
Izaya – Ha, ha. Who knows?~
Shizuo – What!? Answer the dawn question, flea!
Izaya – Does it bother you, Shizu-chan?
Shizuo – Wha- Of course not, I don't care where your body had been at all!
Izaya – Then that's fine ~ I don't need to answer.
Shizuo – … why do I feel like I had just been manipulated?
When you kiss would you kiss when the other has food in their mouth?
Shizuo – … depends on what he's eating, I guess.
Izaya – No… Knowing Shizu-chan, it would be something sickeningly sweet…
What sort of circumstances do you guys have?
Izaya – Let's see…We were enemy at first sight? He tried to punch me.
Shizuo – He slashed me, arranged for me to be hit by a truck… twice.
Izaya – He throws vending machines, trashcan, signalisation signs and anything that was unfortunate enough to be nearby, towards me each time he caught sight of me. Oh and I framed him twice… Though the second time wasn't really fun.
Shizuo – I always make a point to mess his 'evil plan' every time I can, and sometimes without knowing it.
Izaya – I made him lose his jobs four times.
Shizuo – Wait four!? When was the fourth?
Izaya – Never mind that, thrice… And we try to kill each other on daily basis.
Have you ever been caught having xxx?
Shizuo – No.
Izaya – Yes.
Shizuo – W-what!? When?
Izaya – Whatever you might think, Shizu-chan… a dead-end alleyway is hardly a private and secluded area.
Shizuo – And you didn't tell me!?
Izaya – Well my mouth was otherwise occupied at that time…
How many months have you been together?
Shizuo – Together as in that annoying "official couple" again? Way too much.
Izaya – Do you even remember? You're such a protozoan that you probably can't even count –
Shizuo – Shut up, you damn flea! It has been six fucking years, three damn months and seventeen freaking days, alright!?
Izaya – … waw… you even keep track of the days… That's kind of embarrassing you know? Please don't tell me that you even remember the time, it would be pitiful…
Shizuo – Go die! I bet you remember the time.
Izaya – Well I do have an excellent memory… because I'm awesome like that.
Would you like to have children with your lover?
Shizuo – A bunch of cute tiny fleas…? Calling me 'papa'?
Izaya – Why are you hiding your face, Shizu-chan? Are you blushing? And I'd hate – no actually I'd love – to break your peaceful little world but you do know that you can't get me pregnant, right!?
Shizuo – That's because I don't try hard enough…
Izaya – No, no… really, that's not the problem there.
Would you get married to your lover?
Shizuo – Heiwajima Flea has a nice ring… You should change your name.
Izaya – It's Izaya! And that's probably the worst proposal ever, Shizu-chan.
Shizuo – Alright let's do that tomorrow, you're free right?
Izaya – As a matter of fact I'm not. And please do not decide to marry someone without their permission.
Where would you get married?
Izaya – Like I said I don't want to –
Shizuo – Dunno…At Shinra's?
Izaya – We can't.
Shizuo – Why the hell not?
Izaya – Because he's a doctor.
Shizuo – Who cares? He could as well be useful and marry us… That is what friends are for, right?
Where would you have your honeymoon?
Shizuo – Ikebukuro.
Izaya – Hah? Do you even know what honeymoon mean, Shizu-chan?
Shizuo – It's a fancy way to say 'sex-marathon', right? We don't need to go to some foreign fucking countries to do that…
Izaya – …sometimes you do have a point.
How far has your relationship gone?
Shizuo – Far enough.
Izaya – Well we could always try to –
Shizuo – No.
Which body part do you like the most on the other person?
Shizuo – Well it depends on the situation really.
Izaya – What is it with that average answer, Shizu-chan?
Shizuo – But it's true! Take your mouth for example, I hate it when it is uttering fucking nonsense with that damn smirk on, and constantly trying to mess up with someone else life… But… it would also let out all those little sounds that make me go all crazy… But if I must pick a favorite part, then it would be your whole body… 'cause it is three times far more honest than your damn mouth will ever be, and so responsive to my –
Izaya – Okay, that's enough, Shizu-chan.
Shizuo – See there? Your face is scowling and slightly irritated… But here, your ears are all red, are you embarrassed, Izaya-kun?
Izaya – I wish a meteorite would fell on your house soon. And since you decided to be obnoxious today, it means that I can retaliate, ne? The body part I like the most? Obviously his p****.
Shizuo – THE HELL!? Do you have a death wish, IZZZAAAYA-KUN?
Izaya – But it's true, your… is the only one part of that protozoan body of yours which isn't unpredictable… And it's always very happy to see me, ne? Begging for my attention and –
Shizuo – FUCK YOU!
Izaya – Not now, Shizu-chan, we do have a guest, ne?
How do you express your feelings?
Shizuo – Well throwing stuffs essentially.
Izaya – That's a fair and very protozoan way to get your point across.
Shizuo – It's slightly better than messing with people's life.
When do you feel that you are being loved?
Izaya – Haa.. I never feel more loved than when a trashcan crash right on my face.
Shizuo – … You're really a sick masochistic flea.
Izaya – I was being sarcastic, Shizu-chan.
Shizuo – That damn louse would always steal my packs of cigarettes and replace them all with fucking nicotine patches just to piss me off… He switches my strawberry milk with disgusting sour orange juice… He hides all my sweets and cakes, and puts random baskets of fruits all over my place. That's fucking annoying you know? And sometimes at night when he knows I'm particularly tired he sneaks into my bedroom and changes the alarm setting just to make me oversleep and late to work the next morning!
Izaya – Oh so you notice…
Shizuo – Of course I did! Who wouldn't, you bastard! But… then I just have to go to his apartment and I would sometimes find a pack of my favourite brand of cigarettes on the coffee table…
Izaya – That's just because some of my clients left them there.
Shizuo – …a bottle of strawberry milk in his fridge…
Izaya – That's for when the twins are coming over… You just so happen to have the same taste as my teenaged little sisters Shizu-chan.
Shizuo – … and freshly baked cakes from one of the most expensive bakery of Ikebukuro. And –
Izaya – Drop dead!
Shizuo – Yeah definitively that too.
What would you do if your partner got forced into bed?
Izaya – Who? Shizu-chan!? Ha, what a joke… The poor guy or girl who tried would probably be dead before they even manage to take his shirt off. But if it wasn't the case… Then that person better has a very efficient way to flee this galaxy right away, ne?
Shizuo – What kind of stupid question is that, anyway!? The flea is hardly some kind of defenceless damsel in distress. But I'm the only one allowed to get his flea's germs, you know. So anyone touching him should be prepared to be killed whether he dies or not, you know.
Izaya – Like I said 'killed whether he dies or not' is not –
Shizuo – Aaah!?
Izaya (sighs) – Alright, do as you wish, Shizu-chan.
Will you kiss in front of anybody?
Shizuo – No.
Izaya – Yes, just to see their reactions and pissing Shizu-chan off.
If you had the choice now, would you?
Izaya – Yes, why not?
Shizuo – Definitively not!
What about now?
Shizuo – NO! Damn it!
Izaya – Killjoy.
Would you like to show some love in front of me?
Izaya – Okay… But I would be force to take your eyes and tongue out afterwards… is that okay?
Shizuo – Don't. That's disgusting.
Closing statements?
Shizuo – What was the point of all those damn questions?
Izaya – Now if you would be kind enough to give me all your notes – did you really think that I would let you keep them with all those personal information about Shizu-chan and me? – that hidden camera in your bag and that listening devices Erika-chan gave you. Thank you very much.
Shizuo – Was that really necessary?
Izaya – Of course, Shizu-chan! It would be bad, if this somehow manages to slip online, ne?
Owari!
A.N : I don't know if it was funny or downright boring... But please let me know what you think...