I looked at that psychologist bitch contemptuously. Everything about her disgusted me. Her Armani heels, her spotless navy suit and skirt and her mousy brown hair tied back in that sickeningly tight bun. So cold, so closed off. I liked nothing more than to liberate her. Set her inner spirit free. Instead, there I sat with her judgemental eyes combing over me and I knew that she considered herself better than me in every way. She said she was going to help me whilst that fake smile plastered her fair face. For someone who has been in this business for thirteen years, she was so transparent.

"So Hilary," she started in that calm voice, "What's been happening my lovely girl?"

"Nothing much Laura," I replied, my voice taking on the sweetest tone. "I just want to go home."

"I'm afraid that can't happen yet," she said kindly, "Not until we find out what snapped inside of you."

I could not help but smile. I had been seeing Laura for a year now. Not by choice. I was sitting in the big white meeting room at Wacol Institution for the Mentally Impaired. It was three days before my sentence was up, and the only thing standing between me and sweet freedom was this uptight bitch and her little notepad.

"How about we go back to the beginning of last year?" Laura suggested carefully, noting that my smile suddenly dropped, "Can you tell me what you remember?"

I hated this question. My body moved unconsciously. My arms hugged my own body protectively and my mind went blank. I looked to the ground and closed my eyes tightly.

"Hilary's not here any more," I whispered, "Please, just leave us alone. I didn't mean to kill him. It was an accident."

"Is this Nani I'm talking to now?" Laura asked gently.

I nodded silently, completely aware of myself and taking on my other self, Nani. A little girl I had created in my mind to fool the police into thinking I was nuts. In these situations, it wasn't uncommon for a person to create another side to themselves in order to trick themselves into thinking what was happening to them, was happening to the other person. I looked up to Laura tearfully.

"Please," I whispered as salty tears trickled down my cheeks, "I just want to go live with my Grandma and Grandpa again. Please let me go. I didn't mean to hurt him! I promise it won't happen again!"

Laura stared at me with true sympathy in her eyes.

"Nani, I want to ask you a few questions. First, has Hilary been taking her medication?"

I nodded, "Yes. I never come out anymore. Only when I have to remember bad things. Hilary doesn't want to talk about it. It makes her sad. She's sad because I got hurt. She did bad things to help me. To save me! Please don't be angry at her."

"I know Nani," Laura said quietly, "Can you tell me about that night?"

I bit my bottom lip and looked to the ground.

"Tomorrow maybe?"

"Alright Nani," Laura smiled, "We'll talk about it tomorrow."

I smiled back at her, "Thank you Doctor Laura."

I closed my eyes again and heard her stand up to leave. She was spouting some nonsense about getting me back to normal. Stupid woman. She had no idea how much it hurt. She had no idea how much I wanted to kill myself and everyone around me. She never would either.

###

It happened at the beginning of 2008. My family had never been great. In fact, we were down there lower than dogs. My mother was a drug addict and neither of us had any idea who my father was. It all began when she lost her job. I had been sitting my room in the dingy little shit box we called an apartment, doing an assignment due the next day for my twelfth grade English class. Unlike the rest of the house, my room was clean. I had a job my mother did not know about. I paid for my own food. I bought my own clothes. I did my own washing. I studied my arse off because there was no way I was ever going to end up like my bitch of a mother.

I heard the door burst open and uneven footsteps heading towards my room. My door opened and my mum stood against the frame with an almost empty bottle of bourbon in her hand. She stared at me, her glazed eyes filled with thought.

"Yes?" I asked, "If you're hungry there's some pizza in the fridge."

It's three days old and I hope you choke on it you drunk bitch… I thought.

"You're eighteen now aye?" she asked me.

"Since two months ago." I replied wearily.

She half nodded and walked away, leaving the apartment just as soon as she had come. I shook my head and continued to study, feeling unease well inside of me. I looked at the photo on my backboard and smiled. My grandparents had always been there to support me. They were kind and loving. My mother had moved away from them a few years ago because she thought they were filling my head with false ideals and trying to steal me away from her. That was why I was working. I knew where they lived, all I needed was money to get there.

I heard the front door burst open again and the same uneven footfalls heading towards my room again. My mother stepped into the doorway again, though this time there was a man at her side. I surveyed him intently. He was tall and clean shaven, already too classy for a woman like my mother. He wore a Gucci suit and polished shoes with a glistening Rolex on his wrist. He was a man who had a lot of money. His eyes combed over me, making me feel self conscious. He was confident, and attractive but not by much. Though I instantly saw the wedding band around his finger.

He stepped over to me and smiled. Taking my chin between his thumb and finger.

"You're very pretty. I like your hair. It would look better a little longer though. My name is Boris."

"Boris is going to be coming over at least three times a week!" My mother said excitedly, "He's going to help us out!"

I pulled my face out of his hand and stepped away from him.

"Why would you help us out?" I asked suspiciously, looking over to my mother and noticing her especially low cut skirt today, "Do you mean to say you're going to give us money or something?"

Boris nodded and smiled, "Eight hundred a week. That should help you buy food and pay your bills."

I blinked in disbelief and smiled, not caring that my mother was obviously whoring herself out to this married man, only caring that if I pocketed some of the cash for myself, I'd be able to run away to my grandparents place faster than I had estimated.

"So we have a deal?" My mum asked excitedly.

"Most definitely." Boris agreed, "Shall we?"

My mother nodded then did something I wasn't expecting at all. She left, closing the door behind her. Before I could do anything, Boris threw me onto my bed and was instantly on top of me, sitting on my hips whilst he undid his tied and suit jacket.

"What the hell are you doing?" I screamed, "Get off! Get off me you bastard!"

Boris threw his jacket and tie on the floor before seizing my wrists and pinning me down. He smiled at me sickeningly and terror flooded my senses.

"This is our deal," Boris whispered to me, holding both of my thin wrists in one hand while the other undid both his own belt and my denim shorts, "I pay the money, I get some alone time with you."

He crashed his lips against mine and I felt him pull down my shorts. I kicked and struggled as hard as possible, wrenching my face away from his and screaming with some emotion too nauseating to be called betrayal and too potent to be just fear.

"NO DON'T! MUM! MUM HELP ME PLEASE!"

"What's your name?" he whispered to me as he pulled off his own pants, "Tell me your name."

I clenched my teeth as tears tumbled down my cheeks, shaking my head no. His hand suddenly struck me and I felt the coppery taste of my own blood fill my mouth.

"Tell me your name!" he hissed in my face, "Now!"

"Hilary!" I cried, "It's Hilary now please! Stop! Please!"

"Hilary," he whispered with a smile, "I love that name. Oh sweet Hilary."

I felt his free hand travelling up the inside of my legs and touching me everywhere.

"Why?" I sobbed brokenly, "Why are you doing this? Don't you have a wife?"

"My wife… she doesn't fulfil my needs. She likes it gentle. She likes romance. She is too fragile for what I want. So… that's why I now have you."

He forced himself between my legs and into me, and I know that my mother would have heard me screaming. It hurt. He tried to make it hurt. I went limp and closed my eyes, hoping it would be all over soon. It wasn't. It felt like hours and it hurt the most at the very end.

He stood up beside my bed, surveying me like a wolf over a dying lamb. I couldn't move. I could only cry. He leaned down and lifted my shirt for a moment for releasing it with a smile.

"Very nice." He commented. "Thank you Hilary. I'll see you on Friday."

I watched as he walked out the door. I saw my mother sitting on the couch watching television. He passed her a handful of cash and left. She didn't even look in to see if I was alright. She didn't care if I was or not. She didn't care that I was bleeding. She didn't care if I was crying. She didn't care that Boris had just taken my virginity, something I was saving for the love of my life, Kai. All she cared about was the money.

I don't know how long I spent in the shower that night. The hot water burned my skin even though it still did not feel hot enough. I scrubbed my skin, but nothing could get rid of the dirty, gritty feeling that covered me from head to toe. My tears mingled with the hot water as I sank to my knees. I cried and cried until the water went cold. I left the bathroom and saw my mother still sitting on the couch watching television. I tried to walk quietly to my bedroom but she heard me.

"I'm sorry Hilary," she said, her eyes not moving for the screen, "But we need money and he said I was too old. Don't tell anyone about the deal. Boris will be very angry."

I felt my stomach squirm and ran back to the bathroom, only just making it to the toilet bowl as vomit erupted from my mouth.

###

It's hard to tell how long my forced relationship with Boris lasted. All I knew was that my mother hid the money well, or spent it all on crack. I sat in my English class, reading Tess of the D'urbrevilles and felt my heart cave. My best friend, Mariah, stared at me, I could feel her gaze penetrating my crumbling walls. When the class was over she pulled me to the side and spoke in hushed tones.

"Hilary," she whispered and I knew what was coming, "What's wrong? What's going on with you? Please tell me what happened!"

I suddenly broke down. We went to a quiet place and I told her everything. She held me tightly and spoke gently.

"You have to get out of that house," she said firmly. "You can't keep doing this Hilary. It's killing you."

"I know," I whispered, "But we need the money or we'll be kicked out."

"Not this much!" Mariah shouted. "My parents are doctors and have money, come stay with us please!"

I wish I had listened to Mariah. Though it was already too late. I was dead on the inside. As I walked back home, I saw Boris's Mercedes parked on the curb. I didn't slow my pace. It didn't matter how long I took, it was going to happen anyway. I walked into the apartment and my mother just nodded towards my bedroom door expectantly. I hesitated just before I entered and saw him, sitting there with his tie and jacket already sitting over the chair in the corner while he sat on the edge of my bed. He smiled at me as I closed the door and I stood there. I looked past him, but felt his gaze coming over me just as it had the first night. The gaze of a wolf circling it's injured prey.

"Take it off." He said quietly and I obeyed.

I unbuttoned my jeans and let them fall, a puddle around my ankles as my black underwear fell to join them. I undressed quickly and quietly. It did no good to take my time. He was eternally patient and it only added to his excitement. He stood up and circled me, letting his cold fingers trace along my flesh.

"Get on the bed."

I obeyed silently. I walked towards my bed, the alter where I would once again sacrifice myself for no reason. Boris had to celebrate his anniversary to his wife that night so he was fast, condensing hours of torture into a few short minutes. He got dressed and that was when I saw a new item on my study desk. It was a video camera. He picked it up and smiled at me.

"For memories. We'll play again tomorrow," he said then left.

I was frozen in place. It was at that moment that Laura would say I 'snapped'. Months of torment just so my bitch mother could enjoy an hour of drug induced ecstasy. Months of sacrificing myself so that she wouldn't have to. Months of getting beaten and raped just so I could sit there and feel like dying while she laughed at whatever was on that fucking TV.

I got out of bed and walked like a dead doll towards the door. I didn't care that I was naked. I didn't care that blood trickled between my legs. I walked out into the lounge room and saw my mother counting money. She looked at me and grinned.

"Eight-hundred and fifty! You must have done well! Ew, go wash yourself and get some clothes on. God, you're useless."

I smiled and walked around behind my mother with a clenched fist. One brutal, quick punch was all I needed to knock her out.

###

I heard the door open and knew it was Boris. He walked straight to my room like always. He closed the door behind him and took off his suit, noting that I was sitting on the bed.

"How was your day Hilary?" he asked, loosening his tie.

"I spent it with my friend Mariah." I replied hollowly, "Her parents are doctors, so we hung out at their practice and helped out."

"Sound like fun," he looked back to me and his smile suddenly dropped, "Why are your clothes still on?"

"Sorry," I muttered quietly, "I don't feel like getting raped today."

Boris laughed nastily, "Really? You don't really have a choice Hilary-girl."

Boris pushed me down onto the bed, grinning down at me evilly. His smile dropped again and was replaced with confusion. I smiled as he looked down and saw a syringe embedded deep in his stomach. I pulled it back out and pushed him off me. He fell off the bed and crashed to the ground with a heavy thud, his eyes still wide and staring at me as I stood over him.

"It wasn't hard to find a paralytic while I was at the doctors today," I said, throwing the syringe away. "You won't be able to move for a good five hours. Oh, what's wrong Boris?" I kneeled down beside him and laughed quietly, "There's fear in your eyes."

I raised my hand and slapped him as hard as I could across the face before smiling and standing up. I wandered over to my study desk and put my hand under my books, pulling out one of the large chopping knives I had taken from the kitchen.

"I really do have to thank you Boris," I said, walking over to my closet and putting my hand on the door handle. "Because of you, I now know that no one is on my side. No one loves me except Mariah and my grandparents. I can trust no one. I thought I could trust my mother to at least keep me safe from creeps like you. Instead, she sold me to you. For only eight hundred bucks. So," I opened the door and my mother fell out, her body stained in blood and mutilated almost beyond recognition. "I decided to sell her organs for only eight hundred bucks."

I could see the terror in Boris's eyes, the unbridled panic which consumed him. He tried to scream, but his mouth refused to work. I laughed murderously and ran over to him, pointing the knife towards his face but stopping just inches from his eyes.

"You did this to me!" I hissed at him, "You turned me into this! Now you're paying for it! You destroyed my life! Oh but don't worry," the smirk returned to my face, "I've begun a new life now Boris. I'm stronger than before, and I've never seen more clearly. You will never hurt me or any other girl ever again."

I stood up again and walked over to my chair in the corner, making sure I was still in his field of vision. I pulled the chair across and I knew he saw the video camera sitting on top. I smiled at him as tears trickled from his eyes.

"For memories." I said, turning it on, "Let's play."

###

It was a lot easier than I thought. I didn't realise just how much anger was inside of me until I was carving Boris up into little tiny bits. I sat in the passenger side of a stranger's Ute, watching the scenery pass by as we drove cross country, far away from my crime. I could see him constantly peeking glances at my smooth legs and smiled to myself. The creeps always picked up hitchhiking girls in skimpy denim shorts and tank tops. We were close to Tamworth when he suddenly drove off road. I felt my heart rate accelerate with anticipation. I looked at him innocently.

"Where are we going? Isn't Tamworth just up ahead?"

"It is," he said darkly, hitting the lock button on the doors and barring my escape, "But now we have to discuss payment."

I felt his eyes combing me. This was my favourite part of the game. I fished through my backpack and smiled at him.

"Oh right, how much do I owe you?" I asked sweetly, "Will a hundred do?"

He unbuckled his seat belt and put his hand on my thigh, gripping me tightly so I got the right idea. I looked at him in shock. God I loved acting.

"What are you doing?" I squeaked, "Let go! Get off me!"

He lunged at me and I grinned, pulling my hand out of my bag and bringing out the dagger I had stowed away. The man stopped instantly with the tip touched his throat gently, not hard enough to break the skin. He stared at me through wide, terrified eyes and I laughed softly.

"So predictable." I whispered, "You think you're the first old man I've hitched a ride with? Please. Tell me something, can you smell the blood on my knife?"

"Please don't kill me!" He begged, "I-I'm sorry alright!"

"You know the two before you said the same thing," I traced the tip of my blade along his neck. I grinned sinisterly, "This is my favourite part of the game… let's see if your blood runs as red as theirs did."

###

It took them a month to find me. I had told my grandparents what I had done to my mother, and just like I suspected, they still loved me and kept me protected from the police for as long as possible. While I was in jail, I thought up Nani, my alter self. A little girl who helped me to win the insanity case and score only a year at the Wacol nut house. My grandparents and Mariah told the court what my mother and Boris had done. The jury was crying for me. I could see their tears. They truly sympathised with me. My grandparents even lied to the court, saying they had picked me up from the corner near my home so they couldn't connect the murders of three other men to me. Those sleazy old men had it coming anyway. Just like the men who worked at this god forsaken institution had it coming.

There's always one in any crowd who sees a weak girl and has to take advantage of them. I could hear the girl in the next room crying and screaming when he attacked her. She was severely schizophrenic. She would never be able to tell people what had happened to her. Even if she did, they wouldn't believe her. I always saw him watching me. He knew that I was a rapist killer. I knew he thought he could 'tame the beast' as it were. He even had lunch with me in the mess hall.

Mistake.

I had been waiting for this for months. I had been preparing. In a few months, it was easy to find some form of weapon. Metal shavings from the ground were mine. I asked him to get me another drink and he did like the nice gentleman he was. I mixed the shavings in to his mashed potatoes which he just swallowed completely. I still remember watching him cough up blood as the metal shredded his insides. I smiled at him just before he was taken away in an ambulance. He knew it was me. There was no proof. According to all the other staff, I was the sweetest little thing and didn't deserve my fate. They loved me to bits. I never saw the man again. Unfortunately, I always heard the girl in the room next to me screaming in her sleep. Yelling at him to get off. My heart ached for her. Her name was Chloe.

I sat in the meeting room across from Laura, waiting for her to pull out her notebook and pen. I smiled at her and she smiled back.

"How are you today Hilary?" she asked.

"I'm alright. How about you doctor?"

"I'm good thank you," she said, "Now. You're getting out of here in a few days right?"

I smiled and nodded, "I can't wait! My grandparents came to see me yesterday. They said they already have my room and everything set up!"

"That's excellent," Laura smiled, "But Hilary sweet heart, you know that you can't leave until you are completely better right? And even then, you still have to come and see me."

My smile dropped and I nodded.

"That means I have to talk about that night, doesn't it?"

Laura nodded quietly then leaned forward.

"I don't want to be too forceful Hilary. You don't have to tell me everything."

I closed my eyes and took on my alter personality.

"It's Nani again doctor. Hilary doesn't want to talk about what happened to me. I can tell you. Is that alright? Maybe it will be better for me to get it off my chest."

Laura sat back and smiled at me.

"Hello Nani. Alright then darling. Where did you want to start?"

I hesitated for a moment then looked Laura straight in the eyes. My heart ached.

"She sold me," I whispered, "My mother just brought a man into our home. I thought she'd whored herself out because she said he'll give us money. Then she closed my door and he… he…"

Tears leaked from my eyes and what surprised me was that they were real. My pain was real.

"He hurt me… and forced me to do things… He raped me for almost a year… and my mother did nothing to help me… She'd sit in the next room just watching TV and didn't care if I was crying, or bleeding or screaming for him to stop. Then she'd take his money and buy drugs… It's not fair…" the tears tumbled thickly down my cheeks, "Why me? I'm her daughter, why'd she betray me like that? She's supposed to protect me…"

I heard a knock at the door and turned to look. A nurse stood there, looking at Laura. She was one of my favourites. Her name was Anna-Maria, and she was like a real mother to me.

"Sorry for intruding," she said to Laura, "But you said to come if Hilary needed me right?"

Laura looked to me and smiled, "Would you like Anna-Maria to stay Nani?"

I looked over to Anna-Maria and nodded with a small smile on my lips. Anna had the same look in her eyes that I had. One of hurt and betrayal – a broken bond of trust.

She sat beside me and put a hand on top of mine.

"I'm here with you," she said quietly and somehow, it comforted me.

I looked back to Laura and scrubbed my eyes, continuing in Nani's voice.

"When Boris hurt me… some times I was too sore to move. My mother would say to wash up, I looked disgusting. I was nothing to her any more. She kept saying she loved me every time I said I wanted to live with Grandma and Grandpa but Boris would still come over three to four times a week. The last time he hurt me… he video taped me… He said it was for memories. I was broken… and bleeding between my legs… It hurt so much I couldn't put clothes on… I walked out and my mum said I must have done well because… because he gave us a fifty dollar tip… then she called me disgusting… I can't remember anything after that… I can only remember getting into my grandparents car when they picked me up… They said that I cut my mum and Boris into little pieces but I could never do that! I loved my mum, that's why I stayed…"

Laura nodded and wrote on her notepad, trying to keep her emotions from her professional façade. Anna-Maria held me tightly and I could feel her tears dripping into my long hair.

"I still have nightmares…" I whispered, "He's always in them… Always after me… I want them to stop."

"They will stop sweetie," Laura said with a kind smile, "It will just take some time. Now tonight, I want you to try those sleep exercises that I showed you and make sure to take your medication."

"I'll make sure Hilary does that," I said with a smile, "She'll listen to me."

Laura smiled and nodded, "In that case I'll see you tomorrow my precious. It will be our last session in this place."

I smiled excitedly, "Then I get to go be with my grandparents!"

Laura smiled and left the room, leaving only me and Anna-Maria. She stroked my hair and kissed me on the forehead the way I wished my mother had done.

"You're very brave for doing that."

"No I'm not," I said quietly, "Nani is the brave one. She's the one who has helped me so much."

Anna-Maria smiled and stood up.

"Come on, let's go get you ready to leave.

###

The first step out of that place was like a breath of fresh air. I walked with my grandparents on either side of me, guiding me towards their car. I couldn't help but smile to myself. After a year in that prison all I wanted was to feel the thick red syrup that spewed from the throat of a man that deserved to die.

I studied criminology in university, as well as starting a degree in forensic science. I always looked like I was eighteen years old. A major advantage in what I considered my hobby.

I was twenty years old when I walked the back streets of a bad area near where I lived. I took a shortcut down an alley when a hand – reeking of tobacco and alcohol – descended on my shoulder and pulled me back. The disgusting man looked at me and ran his hands over my body.

"Hey there girly, daddy needs some fun."

I smiled dangerously, staring at the man who began my rampage that led to my new title – the Rapist Killer. To this day I'm not really sure if the police want to catch me. Even if they did, I never leave any proof. There are never any witnesses. I am unstoppable.

"Please sir," I said innocently, backing away until my back hit the gritty alley wall, "Don't hurt me! I'll give you all the money you want!"

He laughed darkly and pushed his body against mine, pinning me to the wall as his thumb hooked my shorts. I hid my smile. I loved this game. I put my hand behind my back and faster than he could blink, I pulled my knife out and pressed it to his throat. I grinned darkly as his shock and fright.

"And just like that the first little piggy met his end. Oink… oink… oink…"

###
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Hello. I hope you liked it. I thought it was pretty cool to write, I had been thinking about the idea for a while and just thought I'd put it down on paper. Anyway, please review? Have a good night xxx