Waking Up
I stare at the child, the Catalyst, and everything is clear to me. This is the way things are supposed to be. The only way to end the Reaper threat. The only way to save everyone. the only way to...
I look down at the gun in my hand. It's not mine, but I guess I picked it up after I fell. That has to be it. The Catalyst is looking at me with the eyes of a dead child, one more person I couldn't save. I need to do this to save the rest. I need to…
But how? A little thought forces itself to the surface. By joining the organic and the synthetic? Isn't that what Saren wanted? By controlling them? Isn't that exactly what the Illusive Man wanted? By destroying them? Wasn't that the purpose all along? But to kill the geth as well? To kill EDI? To destroy the relays in the process? Why? Why would that happen?
I need to ask the Catalyst why it doesn't think that organics and synthetics can't get along. I want to tell it to look at the geth and quarian ships, attacking the Reapers side by side. I want to tell it that EDI and Joker on a date was one of the strangest but also the sweetest things I'd ever seen. But I can't. Something is stopping me, preventing me from speaking.
The Catalyst is looking at me. I've dreamt of his face. I've seen that face inside my mind so many times, it's burnt itself into my mind. Into my mind…
That's right, the little thought in my head sounds proud. Welcome back.
I start walking towards the destruction button, my head suddenly clear. It's ridiculous. Like any real place would have three neatly lined up spots to decide the fate of the galaxy. My leg hurts like hell, but hey, they say pain is only in your head, and this time it's completely true. I stop in front of the button and turn to look at the Catalyst, who has followed me.
"I don't know if you're the Harbinger or one of the other Reapers. I don't honestly care. But there are five things I do know," I say, turn towards the button and aim my gun.
"The geth won't die." A pull of the trigger.
"EDI won't die." Another shot.
"The mass relays won't magically burst into pieces." Third shot, and the machine starts to explode.
"You will die," I say as I turn to the Catalyst. "All of you. Not because some of some mystical machine, but because we will win." Then I raise the gun to my temple.
"I will wake up." A final shot.
A ragged breath. It sounds broken, close to death. It's me. The pain comes instantly and I scream. Desperately, I scramble to apply all my remaining medi-gel, five units one after another, but the pain is still there.
"Shepard, can you read me? Shepard!"
"Admiral," my voice comes out in a ragged breath as I manage to answer the comm.
"Shepard, the Crucible! It's doing nothing, but the Reapers… They seem to be in disarray, not targeting us properly."
"Finish them off," I say, or actually wail as another wave of pain hits me. "The Crucible won't do a thing. Just tell everyone to attack the Reapers. We can destroy them."
"Understood, Shepard. Shepard, where are you?"
I'm too tired to respond. It doesn't matter anymore. I stare at the sky, at the geth fighter squad flying over me and turn my head to see them targeting a Reaper latched onto a skyscraper nearby. The Reaper is having trouble aiming and it hits only one of the fighters, while the others get nearby and start shooting its vulnerable spots.
I had not thought that me shooting myself in the head would be so traumatic to the Reapers. The poor things don't know what to do with themselves. The thought is funny as hell, but I can't laugh. I cough and it feels like my lungs are on fire. This is the way it ends, then. I wanted to go to a beach and collect seashells in memory of Mordin. I wanted to share that drink with Chakwas every year for many years to come. I really wanted to adopt those krogan babies. I wanted to see him one more time, I…
"Lola! Shit, Shepard, hang in there."
"James," I mumble and then some of the pain is gone as something is injected into my neck. There are shapes around me, but it's hard to make out any of them.
"James!" I force all my remaining strength into my voice. "James, is… Garrus…"
"Alive, Lola," he says and lifts me up. "Now let's make sure I can tell him the same thing about you."
The Reaper falls down from the skyscraper. The geth fighters head on to their next target. I close my eyes and welcome the darkness.
Note from the writer: I'm not certain if this ending supports the indoctrination theory or the "are you kidding me, what was that, are you kidding me?"-theory or "what the hell, let's get drunk and wath hanar porn together"-theory. What I do know that it at least gives my Shepard a chance to make a choice that isn't handed to her by a ghost child.
And she's romancing Garrus because once I get my Fem!Shep/Garrus fanfic going, this will be the start of the final chapters, unless a sensible official ending comes out before I get that far in the story.