She had been hanging in there, helping keep Janet on an even keel, making sure there was always an explanation, a shoulder to lean on, even if it wasn't used. A show of force that she was there when Janet needed and taking a step back when it seemed Janet needed her to disappear. That was the worry though, she could feel herself slowly disappearing, losing herself in what Janet wanted…needed.
She was in love with Janet, she really was. It was that love that had sustained her to this point, but even that, even the adrenaline of that, had to run out eventually. She honestly wanted to help Janet mend the ties with her father, something which was obviously providing a deep-seeded angst. Even now, while she was floundering, losing more and more of herself, she was trying as best she could to help Janet take the steps that she needed to progress with mending her relationship with her father – only to have it thrown back in her face, "Stop telling me how to deal with my father".
She had left Janet's house that evening unsure of the next step. Janet would, as usual, likely come to her in the coming days, a beguiling smile on her face and a squint of her eye, Bianca would be unable to say 'no' and would give in to starting this rollercoaster ride all over again.
How long? That was the question she kept asking herself, "How long could she keep acting as the sounding board, the punching bag?" "How long until Janet was able to mend herself and overcome some of the issues plaguing her?" "How long would…could they keep up this dance?" "How long before Janet realised that without Bianca being the 'easy' person in her life, asking nothing and giving everything, she was not interested?"
Bianca knew love didn't conquer all, it never could, and it was futile to believe it would triumph for her as well. She was willing to give it all she could, but when was the moment, that time, when you had to own up to the fact that nothing was going to change? That you may love each other more than anything else, but there was too much water under the bridge, too much damage for it to work?
Hadn't Janet's father said that a strong person doesn't dwell on the past? Maybe it was stronger to focus on the future, to appreciate that something may not be progressing, that it couldn't, no matter the love. If that was the case, Bianca was weak. She didn't want to lose Janet, didn't want the nervous/excited feeling in the pit of her stomach to disappear. She also didn't want to lose herself, didn't want to take on the permanent role of being Janet's puppy – following her around and being provided attention at the sole discretion of Janet, being grateful that she may be in favour that evening, bestowed with love and attention, only to have it painfully withdrawn the next.
It had stung that Janet, even in her most subconscious of mind, had "alot going on at the moment" and was so willing to put their relationship, their future behind all of that. It wasn't a surprise to Bianca, and to be honest it wasn't even what was most upsetting - she had expected as much, hence her easy out to Janet, to deal with this when she was ready. When Janet was ready…
It didn't surprise her when Janet had a moment alone with her in the office, "We should talk through this"
Yes, they should, they should have talked months ago. Bianca had been trying, gently, gently, to get them to talk and Janet had always been able to circumvent having that discussion. Maybe she should have pushed harder, run the higher risk of Janet running – wasn't that what Janet was doing that night in her apartment, running from Bianca as she tried to help? The moment they were the closest to talking they had been? The irony was not lost on Bianca.
"I've wanted to talk since you came back from Fiji. Do you really think, here, now, is the right time?"
"Probably not…" Janet turned away, with her back to Bianca, looking at her desk.
"I tried to give you the space you needed to work through everything that happened with Peta, give you time to be immersed in the new Commission role, time to deal with your father… I give you the time, and there is always a push back whenever I try and delve into something deeper than work, deeper than sweet words and idle chat, when I try and ask for some time back. I want to know you, the real you, I want to truly be a part of your life and share that with you. I can't do that when I am forever at arm's length. Do you see that?"
Janet turned around, light in her eyes, jaw clenched, ready for battle.
Bianca gave a soft shake of her head and a rueful smile, "I don't want to fight with you Janet. I really don't, especially not here. While you may not want to share 'you' with me, I need to share something of how I am feeling with you. I don't expect anything from you, honestly. I just needed to tell you, to ease that pressure a little by giving the words air, getting them out there so that they aren't sitting on my shoulders weighing me down."
Janet seemed to ease the tension in her jaw slightly, and look unnecessarily to her left, before her eyes fell back to Bianca. There was a long pause. Janet opened her mouth to say something and closed it again.
Bianca nodded, bowed her head slightly and shuffled her feet, "I should probably get back out there"
Janet nodded, and have an apathetic, "Yep"
Bianca turned and walked towards the door. As her hand held the handle she stopped short of turning it, gave a small sigh and turned around, facing Janet again, "I am hopelessly in love with you Janet, I am, but I don't want that to evolve into feeling like I am living for you and not with you. For a split second the other night you started to open up to me, tell me how you were feeling, and as soon as the moment came you shut it down and shut me out. I am trying my best to be what you need, what you want - I just don't know what that is, and whether I can live up to that."
Janet closed her eyes briefly and when she opened them, all that was left was the silhouette of Bianca walking away down the hallway.
Bianca knew it had not been the best way to leave the situation but she needed to take back some power, in some way. The power differential had been so out of whack for so long, she wasn't even sure what 'normal' was anymore. They both still had work to see to, and while Bianca knew she shouldn't have given into downloading to Janet then and there, she couldn't help the words tumbling out of her. Now was the time to focus on work, take her mind off what had just happened and what the repercussions with Janet would be, and focus on what she knew best – her job.
She had managed, more engineered, two be out of the office that afternoon; out on the beat undertaking surveillance. The thought of being so close to Janet after their conversation, well her soliloquy, made her feel anxious – a tension that she was sure would be palpable to all in close proximity. They needed some space to digest everything and surely, they would reconvene in the near future.
It didn't take long; Janet was, if nothing else, determined when she had something on her mind. She was not the kind of person to let Bianca's words suffocate them and have the axe continuing to loom over their heads. The soft knock at Bianca's door at 9:00pm revealing Janet standing on the other side, bottle of wine in hand and a bag of takeout was not what Bianca had expected. She ushered Janet into her home, a home Janet had only been to two times previously. Wine was poured, food was laid out and social niceties were seen too.
Sitting cross legged on the floor, backs against the grey couch in Bianca's lounge room, red wine in hand, words began to flow.
"Sorry about earlier in the office. It really wasn't the place for me to say what I said. It left things unfinished, which can lead to mistakes" Bianca started, "It just started to roll out of me and I couldn't seem to stop it"
Janet hadn't turned to look at Bianca while she spoke, rather looking down at her glass of red, fingers running up and down the stem, "Is this you leaving?" Janet finally asked.
Bianca let out a long breathe, looking to Janet, who was still engrossed on her glass, "This is me reaching out to you, telling you how I am feeling, that I want to be more involved with you, know you better, but not knowing if that can or will happen"
Bianca looked over to study Janet, still Janet didn't look up from her glass, "Janet, I need to know if this distance, if this is how it will always be"
"Why?" Janet queried quietly.
"Why? Because people need to feel connected, involved, entrenched in their partners life. Need to feel that they know them, are part of their lives and bigger picture, not just a bit player in their life called in when needed."
"So… you think I am using you?" Janet hissed.
Bianca raised her hands and sighed, "No, that isn't what I am saying at all" Bianca stood up and paced over to the credenza, leaning back against it and turning to Janet, "I want us to truly be a part of each other's lives. I want to know about your family, you as a child, when you have a bad day at work I want to hear about it, I want you to trust me enough to let me in and not only on your terms all the time. I don't want it to be that I am waiting in the wings, holding out for you to acknowledge me, waiting for my queue to enter. I will be honest Janet, at the moment I feel like I am there for you, giving all of myself, all of the time, and I am not getting anything back. It can be exhausting and upsetting to be in that position."
Janet looked up from her glass at this point, meeting Bianca's gaze straight on, "I can't help you feeling that way."
Bianca turned her eyes away from Janet and let out a breath, took the last sip of her wine, and put her glass down. There was a long pause, Janet looked around Bianca's living room, taking in the art on the far wall, plush rug and couch, before landing back on Bianca whose head was bowed, thumbing a stray threat on her shirt.
They were at an impasse; the usual stubborn headed Janet was in place and Bianca knew there was no way for her to talk her around that. Janet couldn't, wouldn't, hear where Bianca was coming from, whether consciously or not. There was no getting around that, maybe not ever. Maybe Bianca was wrong, maybe she was being the overly needy one asking too much of her partner. All she knew was at this moment she needed to have some power, receive some concession from Janet so she could know there was a chance, a chance that they could really work together, for the both of them, not just for Janet,
Each continuing with their line of thought tonight was not going to result in any real outcome for either – they would be talking each other around in circles.
Bianca pushed herself off the credenza and made her way over to Janet, kneeling in front of the still prone Janet. The two women looked into each other's eyes, faces only millimetres apart. Bianca noticed Janet's eyes were looking glassy, but were looking at her with a mixture of adoration, vulnerability and dare she even think, they looked frightened. Janet wouldn't back down though, while her eyes may be betraying her now, she would not concede first, she would not give in - given in first and she would lose. Irony or irony was, say nothing at all and she really could lose it all.
Bianca cupped Janet's face with her hands and brought her lips to gently brush Janet's; an almost chaste kiss. The usually strong Bianca, always defiant in the face of pain, always looking after others, even if that meant sparring them her own sadness, felt wetness on her cheeks. For a second she was confused, was Janet crying? That was out of character. No, her own body was betraying her, and some tears had broken free. Reigning in her own feelings, a shallow breathe and a strong resolve, Bianca left another soft kiss on Janet's lips. Janet responded slowly, her hands still at her sides, her lips only moving ever so slightly against Bianca's.
Bianca pulled back, happy to had regained her resolve, and looked Janet in the eyes. Bianca was strong, she had seen the worst of humanity, and maybe for a brief sound of moments through life, experienced some truly amazing moments - they would both continue. She could not control when and how those moments entered her life, but she controlled how she responded to them.
"I love you Janet. You managed to work your way into my heart and life with such ease. I think maybe I love you too much. Maybe I want to be too much a part of your life, your world. Maybe you need to keep that part of yourself to you, to forever ensure a distance between you and everyone else. I can't imagine the pain you have been through, I know that you must want to do anything in your power to ensure you and the twins don't have to go through any of that pain again. Thing is while I know all of these things, hell, I can understand them, this stupid part of my aches to be close to you, to be in your world with you, not just looking in from the other side of the street."
Bianca paused a second and looked at Janet, whose head was bowed slightly, "This isn't goodbye Janet. This is, 'when you are ready', whenever that may be."
Janet gave a small sniff and looked up at Bianca. Bianca's eyes were glassy, but she tried to give a small smile to ease Janet.