Author's Note: Ok so this is something that I wrote on a day professors cancled my classes for the day... once I was already t the building _ but I put it to use! this takes place right after the blackout, before the 'fight' and any of the Jenny crap (: the three songs used in the middle here are Dark Blue, Goodnight Goodnight, and Never Think... enjoy!
This flood (this flood) is slowly rising up swallowing the ground
Beneath my feet, Tell me how anybody thinks under this condition so
Dark clouds seemed to be the notion for the day as the landscape filled with abysmal shades of grays and dark blues. They seemed to swallow her up with one glance out the bay window. She sat on the blue Ikea couch she and her sister had pushed against the window. It was her week for the couch and the crink in her back just added to her solemn and dejected mood. She took another deep breath and let out an exasperated sigh as she closed her eyes and leaned her head against the window. The sounds of the busy city below fueled her headache, or was it heartache? Heartache was something she hadn't experienced till the last few months. He was the reason for it, she hadn't meant to let herself get attached. He wasn't supposed to be someone she attached herself to.
He was everything she hated. The popular good for nothing asshole that had more money then a third world country, that wasn't her type. Why she'd let herself see the real him, the him that wasn't a part of the UES's wasn't in her nature. Somehow he'd knocked down the walls she'd worked so hard to put up. He'd completely crushed them to the ground and she wasn't sure how she'd let him do that. Her heart hadn't been up for grabs yet in his very him way he'd taken what he wanted without a second thought how she would feel about it. Who was she kidding? She loved the fall. She just didn't like how it felt when the fall was over and she crashed to the ground in a broken blistery mess. That's how she felt, because her heart was bleeding and she didn't know how to make it stop.
Mourning over breakups was never supposed to be her forte that was to be left to the Serena Van der Woodsen's and Blair Waldorf's of the world. She wasn't like them and she'd swear it up and down. She didn't get flustered and giddy when his name was mentioned, that was only on the inside, she wouldn't any longer have dignity if that secret got out. The only person that knew it was him, because it was written in colors all over her face when ever his sapphire eyes collided with her hazel ones. He captivated her under his spell, she should have known better then to let herself trust him.
She'd been so sure before the black out, so sure that things were going to get better and that she'd finally be able to have her prince. How she'd become Cinderella without herself even noticing she didn't understand, but lately she found herself falling back into childhood dreams. The way he held her hand even doing something so simple as walking down the street. She looked forwarded to that, to being entangled with him.
Her eyes opened and she glanced out down below at the hectic active street. The rain drizzling down on the side walk, yellow taxies, and people rushing about here and there on the sidewalks would have made for the perfect opening sequence in a black and white movie. For the first time since she was nine she didn't have the resolve to get up and grab her camera. Dan would have taken her temp if he's seen her sitting so stationary at the window. She may not have been the most up flighty person in the world but she was never one to sit around without moving or doing anything else.
Why had she let herself trust him? The worst part was that the black out had extenuated her feelings for him even more. She had to protect him now, it gave her reason. It also gave her reason to protect her heart and try her best not to let it fall for him anymore then she had. Why it was disobeying her and continuing on its downward bleeding spiral wasn't clear. She just wanted it to stop and shut down rather then quiver whenever his name was mentioned or she saw his face. She hated herself for not being able to stop it and get it back to normal.
She didn't even blame him for making her fall, she couldn't understand why he'd picked her to make fall. But more then anything she blamed herself for doing the initial falling. It was her heart that had put it's self on the line never mind what her brain had said. Impulse and desire had inclined her trip down a road she'd vowed not to go down. She'd started to venture down it once only to land on the opposite side of the fence. It was a note to self never let your heart go for your best friend. It only nearly tarnishes a friendship, or in her case it leads her down the path of meeting him.
The him she was sure she couldn't get out of her head if she tried and she had tried plenty of times. When it all came down to it, it was still his hands she could feel on her face, on her hands, on her back, on her hips, he was everywhere on her whether she liked it or not. One night of random thrown together passion on the floor of a café had such powerful lasting affects. Even to the day she could still remember the fell of it all and it had nothing to do with it being her first time. He'd just had a certain charm about him that she still felt and still wanted to feel. They were both images and touches she were sure would never leave her.
Exerting another sigh she finally un curled herself out of the ball she'd been in and placed her feet down on the floor only to bring her hands to her face and rub her eyes. If her memory would erase and he'd just ease from her mind for a few hours she'd be able to clam herself and her emotions. To bad that wasn't anywhere in sight in the coming time. She'd just have to suffer with the fact that she was still without him, even if it was for his own protection didn't mean it made it any easer on her. She hated the older women for having the upper hand. She wanted for just once to have everything to work the way she wanted it to. Why the hell did that have to be too much for her to ask.
Knocking on the door tore her from her daydream and she jumped suddenly. She wasn't in the mood for company even if Dan or Jenny meant well. They weren't going to help her over come the broken heart she'd suffered. Jenny had already tried and failed, Dan was suffering himself. That could only lead them into the realm of disaster if they both tried to battle it out together. She'd seen enough dumb sappy stories to know how that went. She didn't want to be comforted she didn't want anyone to see the way she really felt.
I'm sorry, I did not mean to hurt my little girl
It's beyond me, I cannot carry the weight of the heavy world
He was so sick of it all, his life, the people around him, everything. As he sat on his bed with the X-box 360 remote in his hand he threw it violently against the door in rage. She was the one thing in his life that had seemed to make him better. How could he have been such an asshole to just up and push her away like she was nothing. She was the only one he could tell it all to. The only one that would trust him and listen to him without judgment or resentment, she was his. He needed her in his life to keep him from going off the deep end. Yet he'd been the one to push her away. It was the last thing he'd meant to do yet he'd let the worst of him boil over.
Getting off of his bed he walked to the window of the game room and leaned his head against the glass looking out over the city. He hated the brownstone, he hated the people in it, he hated the path his life was written out as. With her she'd shown him that he didn't have to follow it. He could follow what he wanted in life and be happy; it was what he wanted and only what he wanted. He had her to take for opening his eyes and he blew it all.
She deserved so much better then everything he'd done to her. All the times he'd stood her up or forgotten she'd said she understood and that was something he'd never understood, how she could be patient with him, there was also the way she listened. He'd never in the past had anyone he could omit his feelings to in so much depth. That was something he'd always be grateful to her for. It was something he'd come to learn to need. He needed her.
Subconsciously his finger touched his bottom lip and all he could see was her face. The shock and somewhat fear that had been in her features when they'd kissed on the door stop on the café. He could still remember how afraid he'd been that night. Not because of their actions, because like any male he wanted it. But because he didn't want her to think he was using her. That wasn't anywhere near what he felt or what his intentions were when he'd walked her up the step. Once their lips had met he hadn't been able to pull away, she was so different from the rest of him. Every kiss had been met with a fiery spark, every touch had been needed and wanted. He hadn't expected it to take off so much.
The memories of laying on the café floor after were ones burned into his mind. The way she'd just laid there wide awake on his chest listening to their syncopated breathing for an hour without saying anything. Moments he'd never forget he was sure of it, because that was the moment he knew that there was no going back for him. He'd never felt that way before. Not with Serena, and not with Blair. It was only her that pulled him in and made him never want to leave. He wasn't sure if he could live without that again.
Bass wedding was something he'd insisted she attend with him, even after she'd refused and said that she didn't do weddings. When his eyes fell on her in the orange dress with the flower in her hair he was pretty sure he'd felt more then the groom did when he laid his eyes on Lily walking down the isle. She always seemed to take his breath away as tacky as it sounded. She was just so unique and unusual that no one else even came close to comparing to her. He'd never been more glad to take a girl's hand and show her off then he was when he'd held onto her as they took their seats. Holding her hand through the ceremony he'd kissed it every once and a while to ease her apprehensions. He'd of done anything for her in that moment and every moment.
True fact, she was the first girl ever to see him cry out of emotion. After punching his father he'd been on a whirl win of emotions. He was so angry at his father but at the same time he was fighting with all the guilt over punching him. She backed him up on every feeling he was going through and reasoned with everything he said. She didn't place any of the blame on him what so ever. That's what made holding her through the dances at the Bass wedding that much more important to him. She was the one he didn't want to let go.
She'd lent him her ear that night, with Ruby away and him not being the biggest fan of going home alone she'd taken care of him. With his insists they'd stopped at Whole Foods and picked up the means to make chicken marsala and he'd taken special note to pick up tiramisu also. Still he could feel them lying on the floor under the Pooh quilt as they shoved desert into one another's faces. Everything innocent and right, he hadn't wanted to move. That was the end of it though, that night they'd decided that maybe for the summer he needed to concentrate on himself, she'd decided that for him. It hadn't been something he'd chosen, far from it in fact. But he'd do what ever he could to please her. That was the only thing that mattered to him.
Catherine hadn't mattered any to him, she'd merely been a distraction to get his mind away from Vanessa all summer. His body reacted to Catherine's touches and soon spending the afternoon in her bed turned into something he needed and craved just for the escape. His addiction to Catherine was an escape just like Chuck's alcohol problem. A minor root away from the past for just a little bit.
I ain't got no fight in me
In this whole damn world
Tell you to hold off
The rapping on the door got louder and she couldn't muster up the ability to tell whoever was on the other side to go away. Instead she dragged her feet up and over to the door. With a deep breath she brushed the gloss from her eyes and tried to cover up her non coverable emotions that were displayed on her face as she pulled the cheep gold door handle with a twist.
When she saw him all of her words completely left her, he too looked just as pained as she. His eyes bloodshot like salty water had been running rapid from his face, he had bags under his eyes from lack of sleep. She stood there with her mouth slightly open and he didn't bother to say anything or explain himself either. She didn't care, who needed talking. There was enough being communicated in their looks and wanting behavior.
Then there it was, his hand was on the side of her face. Her heart was fluttering and she could hear his racing also. Everything was dead silent besides the sounds of two hearts beating and the rain dipping against the window. Both of his hands were on the sides of her face now and their perfect colored eyes were locked on one another. Nothing had to be communicated or exchanged before he pressed his lips to hers gently and softly.
She tried hard as she could to muster up the ability to shut him out of her apartment. His heart and pride were too far in the door to be pushed out as suddenly as he'd gotten there. She pulled herself away from the kiss and put both her hands on his chest trying to push him away, his hands refused to leave her face. All he wanted to do was touch her, he needed to feel her soft skin under his hands. He'd been such an asshole to her. Every word that come out of his mouth he hadn't meant, she wasn't the only one afraid of falling. It was unlike anything he'd felt with Blair or Serena, this was something real. It was something he'd never expected.
Her heart was quickly giving in as her hands suddenly formed fists on his shirt, grasping tightly and pulling him closer to her. Their battle of denying one another was over, nether one was strong enough to push the other away. They weren't strong enough to do it for even a moment. He began to push her backward and she followed his pull as she stepped back anticipating when she'd come in contact with the couch. There weren't anymore kisses, just his arms moving his her waist and pulling her tightly to him. Her arms were around his neck now, locked tightly as she held his hair with both of her hands. She wasn't about to let go, if she were dreaming she didn't want to wake up.
Just as she'd been waiting for her legs hit the couch and she sat back just as her eyes bubbled over with the tears that had wanted to drip, it was then that she realized that he also had wet spots falling down his cheeks.
Not a single word needed to be said to confirm how they both felt. They just lay there, and neither even cared how much time passed. The sun set and the stars set in as Vanessa stayed silent and at peace in Nate's arms. For the first time in a long time Nate felt completely at peace as he held Vanessa to his chest and once and a while pressed a sweet reminding kiss to her forehead.