Those damn decisions

Waffle: Hello-ness!!! I was wondering how Seras dealt with the vampire bloodlust so thus this story was born! Tada!! This of course takes place kinda in the middle of the series; forgive me if some ppl are OOC! Also, this a one shot so don't ask when the next chappie is gonna be up, cause it's gonna be never! Ok, also forgive me it this is a bit short; this was just a little idea so yeah…. Thank u so much! Read and review please!!!

Those damn decisions

(Seras POV)

I'm not a freak. I'm not a monster. I can control my urges. I can control my desires, my desires for blood. I faulted once but that won't happen again, even though it wasn't directly from a human, just the thought of me devouring the blood ….ugh…my stomach can't take it.

I loved the taste of blood, don't get me wrong. It was the best thing I had ever had, it was sweet, sour, tart, spicy, cold, hot, bland, it sent chills of pleasure through me. Oh sweet blood, I would do anything to taste the addicting drug and that's exactly the reason I don't want to drink it anymore.

My Master said I would grow weak from the lack of it, but I don't care, I don't want to lose myself in the pleasure, I refuse to. I just seem like some beast, a bloodthirsty monster and I just can't bear to be like that. I'm not human but I'm not a vampire, I'm Seras Victoria.

I was pissed, I was tired and I was hungry, I've never felt hunger like this. Closing my eyes, ignoring the loud growl from my stomach, I focused on anything and everything.

Walter pouring Sir Integra's tea, my master prowling waiting to go hunting, Sir Integra opening her mail angrily. To my surprise I could hear steady pounds, some only Mila seconds apart and it took a few moments to realize what I was hearing. I groaned, this was great, just great; I could hear every human's heartbeat in this God forsaken place. I hated this place, I hated that I needed blood but what I hated the most was myself. I should be able to control this! It's my fault, I told my Master to make me a vampire, I should have said no, to just let me die, I should have never drank blood in the first place. I flailed me legs in frustration and screamed into my pillow. Damnit! Damnit! Damnit! DAMNIT! I felt trapped, like being strangled, drink blood and live…er..sort of, or starve myself and become so weak that I can't do anything. Decisions….God damn decisions.

I thought about waiting till the sun was about to come up and just let it burn me to cinder, no, to let it burn me so bad that there wouldn't be a trace of me left. No proof that I had ever existed. But I was too scared to do it and besides, what my master do? Would he mourn my….uhhhhh….death? Or would he be happy that I' gone and forget about me? I don't think he'd miss me…my Master's not like that and I don't think he'll ever be….

I hated deciding things for myself, I was so used to people just telling me what to do, I just….I just didn't know how to think for myself anymore. My Master..He said for me to drink because it would make me strong, my Master's master, Sir Integra would say to drink because if I want to be of any use to Hellsing I can not and will not starve myself. Don't get me wrong, I'd do anything for my Master, follow him wherever he goes but I don't know if it's worth it…is drinking blood worth losing my humanity over? Should I give in and satisfy my bloodlust or should I keep fighting it?

"You know what decisions to choose, Police girl."

I looked around, my Master's voice was so close I could swear he was sitting next to me but I was alone.

"I know, Master," I answered back like the obedient servant I was.

Somehow, in my heart I knew as long as I was with my Master, I didn't mind losing my humanity as much as I thought. Maybe drinking blood wouldn't be so bad after all….then again….maybe not.