Letter to an Ex-girlfriend
Dear Tess:
This morning, on my way to work, I saw a squirrel getting run over by a Hummer. Naturally, my thoughts turned to
So, how are you? Actually, to tell you the truth, I really don't care how you are. For all I care, you could be covered in crabs, pan handling for euros in Rome. But I thought I'd ask just to be all those Tabasco bottles you tossed under the sofa during those football games you used to watch with Kyle? Guess what. I recycled them all, and bought a Lexus with the money I got. The rest I stashed away into a portfolio of mutual that's not all.
Remember those scummy socks you always left under the bed? That's right. Turns out, they grew a new form of mold that cures herpes. I just received the patent yesterday. So I guess our relationship did have some value, after all!Which reminds me -Who's washing your clothes these days, Kivar or Lonnie? Are you back to drying your socks in the microwave?
Did I tell you I had no choice but to trade my entire wardrobe? It turns out, nothing fits after the 15 pounds I lost after signed up Liz Parker as my personal trainer.
Hope you're having anniversary,
Max
P.S. One final thing. Unlike you, I am not afraid to make a commitment. I got married last week to the girl of my dreams. She is not afraid to watch a movie that's got no subtitles, knows what love is and how to show it, and doesn't always whine, 'I'm your wife!'
The repairs for the my heart came to an indescribable amount. Please overnight a bank check, before I have to send over one of Liz Parker to beat your ass. Thanks for your understanding.