103 Ways to Annoy, Harass, Confuse or Generally Scare Lord Voldemort:

Sure-fire ways to get Yourself Killed, or At Least Crucio'd Round the Block and Back Again

A Series of Vignettes by ladyAlyafaelyn

AN: The original list is credited to Amanda Lack of Mugglenet. Thanks especially to Morgan "Snapesgirl34" Payne of Elfwood for the hilarious Death Eater Fangirl comics, which spawned this. Check her out at www . elfwood . com / fanq / m / o / morganp2 / morganp2 . html by removing spaces. Character is used with permission from said hilarious author. :)

This is a TOTAL crack!fic. It's mostly written between midnight and 2am. Please excuse any spelling mistakes... it's very late at night. Also! Bold text indicates thoughts. 3

Disclaimer: Is on my main page.

Chapter 1- #23 Keep a "Good Behavior Chart". Award points and give out gold stars.

"Fangirl, what are you doing?"

Morgan beamed. "It's a behavior chart! The person with the most Gold Stars at the end of the week gets a PRIZE!"

Severus cringed. "What kind of prize?"

"The best kind of prize, Sevvy dearest! A surprise!" she giggled. Morgan tilted her head then suddenly skipped away, singing something about rainbows, butterflies, and sunny days.

Severus shook his head and looked at the cheerfully colored chart. On the top row was each Death Eater's name in bright blue or bright pink. The first column was a list of chores, and then spaces for stars. He began to read the chore column: Make bed, shower, brush teeth, put dirty laundry in hamper, clean room, assist the Dark Lord, help with yardwork, help make dinner/set table....

For Merlin's sake, it's not like we're four years old anymore! Not to mention the Malfoys practically crawl with house-elves….

Cursing the Fangirl under his breath, Severus tried to take the chart down, but to no avail. The chart could not be torn down; the Fangirl had used her otherworldly powers to secure it. So Severus had to just huff and do his chores (because there was NO way he would lose anything to those Malfoy prats again!).

The week went on, and stars of many colors were put upon the chart. There were also many ugly black Xs. On Saturday, Narcissa Malfoy, Bellatrix Lestrange, Severus Snape, and Antonin Dolohov were neck and neck. Until Bellatrix and Dolohov got careless, anyway.

Dolohov missed a sock that had somehow gotten into "that confounded muggle contraption SHE brought!" for preserving perishables...Snape found it hanging over the last piece of chocolate cheesecake and consequently gagged Dolohov with it. Bellatrix's careless scourgify had missed a spot of wine under the leg of the couch...at least until Narcissa found it and ground it out with white vinegar and her own special disinfectant.

Saturday night, while Voldemort was occupied contemplating his baldness, Morgan captured Wormtail and dragged him to the ballroom. After using his arm to summon the Death Eaters, she gave him a cookie and waited.

Once everyone was gathered, Morgan stood behind a box covered with a tablecloth, raised her arms and announced grandly, "Welcome, my duckies! Welcome to the Awards Ceremony for this week's Best Behaved Death Eater!"

No one clapped. No one cheered. No one did anything but stare at the Fangirl. So she put her hands on her hips and pouted.

"Fine. I'll just hand out the prizes, then." She sniffled. "Not that anyone will appreciate them anyway."

There was murmuring among the Death Eaters. No one had said anything about prizes! Most felt ashamed that they had not done more chores since there was apparently a reward. A few wondered what kind of prizes the Fangirl would give. "She is only a fangirl, after all."

Little did they know how envious of the winners they would become.

"In third place, Bellatrix Lestrange. Come forth, Bella sweetie, and get your brand new BASEMENT TORTURE KIT!"

Bellatrix came from her place in the middle of everyone and was completely thrilled when the tablecloth was whisked away from the box in front of the Fangirl. It was large and dark, with many pictures featuring chains and cartoon people screaming. Bellatrix hugged the box, then charmed it to be feather-light and took it back to her spot. Snape glared at the Fangirl. How dare she give something like that to Lestrange! He could have used it much better on students who didn't brew potions correctly. Pity he couldn't nab Granger, though. She was too smart for her own good.

Morgan beamed and hugged herself. Everything was going wonderfully!

"With second place, we have the lovely Narcissa Malfoy! Cissa, dearest, do I have something for you!"

Snape frowned as Narcissa came hesitantly up to the Fangril. This was ridiculous! Favoritism, that's what this was. The Malfoys owned this manor, were rich beyond belief and had house-elves at their every beck and call.

Morgan hugged Narcissa, and handed her a piece of golden parchment.

"Thirty days of free glamour charms from Witch Weekly!" cried Mrs. Malfoy happily. Snape's frown deepened. That was something he could desperately have used as well. He put his head in his hands and wished for this stupid ceremony to be over.

Morgan again raised her arms, commanding attention. "Duckies, duckies! Our little party is not over! I still have to give the first prize!"

All the Death Eaters (minus Snape) clamored for what the prize was and who was to receive it. Morgan smiled enormously, declaring the prize. "The first place winner will be given everything for a true follower of today's biggest trend. Posters, t-shirts, figurines, bed clothes, you name it! All featuring…" Here Morgan paused dramatically and pulled out a poster with two people on it, one with golden, cat-like eyes, and the other a plain-ish girl. "TWILIGHT!"

There was whispering among the Death Eaters, who had never even heard of this thing. Morgan mistook the confusion for excitement, and pressed on. "Who shall receive this prize, my lovelies? It can only go the to one who has given the most support to the Dark Lord, the one who has done the most this week to prove his worthiness."

Snape sighed and rolled his eyes. He felt truly sorry for whatever sot got this prize. It looked like something teenage muggle girls would fawn over, not a Death Eater.

Morgan waited for the tension to build. Whoever got this would be the coolest person in the history of Eater-hood. She held up her arms once more, and called everyone to attention. "Duckies! Duckies! Don't you wonder who won this dazzling prize? Put your hands together for our own, dearest, SEVERUS SNAPE!"

If it was at all possible, Snape got paler. He walked stiffly to the fangirl and reluctantly shook her outstretched hand. Morgan giggled and whispered, "Sevvy, you don't have to be so formal. Give us a hug!"

Morgan squished him in her mighty fangirl-hug. Snape nearly choked and thought about putting her in a trunk when he went back to Hogwarts.

I'm sorry this took so long to finish this chapter. I am almost done with the next chap, so hang tight. Now please press that nice little review button. Loves!- Fae